Moving Ain't Easy

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a while since I wrote anything. I really wanted to write something sooner but I've been busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest! You see, we moved into our new house about a week and a half ago. And it's been non-stop activity ever since. This moving crap is for the birds!

First off, let me thank those who lent us their backs for the big moving day. I owe you guys big time! Getting a "can you help me move" request has the same chilling effect as one of those unexpected 2 am phone calls. They say friends will help you move, but real friends will help you move a body. But I honestly think it would have been much easier to move a body than our assortment of sofas, dressers, beds and televisions.

As a man, I really don't have any say in the furniture that comes into our house. But maybe it's time to re-think this. Case in point, Tina doesn't even look at a piece of furniture unless it's as heavy as Rosie O'Donnell after a all-you-can-eat meal. Humping this stuff between floors in our new home was absolutely excruciating! At one point, my brother-in-law asked, "Is there anything that weighs less than five hundred pounds??"

And moving this stuff up and down stairways is always an adventure to me. No matter how tight or impossible the situation, I always feel that if I push hard enough, something will eventually give. The end result is usually about $2000 worth of drywall damage. It's just collateral damage in my eyes. Hey, I never claimed to be professional mover....

Another thing I hate about moving is that I can't find anything. I know it's somewhere in the house, but I have I no idea where. It could be in any one of a hundred cardboard boxes. The result is multiple trips to the Home Depot to buy things that I know I already have. Then inevitably, Tina will ask, "Why did you buy that" You have one right here." I just mumble to myself and walk away.......

And finding your way around a new house can open up another can of worms. For instance, the other day I was getting ready to jump in the shower. As I raised my arms to take off my shirt, my fingers were nearly severed by an industrial strength ceiling fan. I'm not kidding you, the wooden blades hit my knuckles with a Rodney King-esqe crack. It was so loud that our two cats immediately bolted out of the room! The scariest part is that there are fans in every room! For me, this translates into an accident waiting to happen around every corner.

When the warm shower finally came, it was a welcome relief to a stressful day. However, once I got out of the shower, I was in for another surprise. You see, my new neighborhood has well water which requires a water conditioner. For those who don't know, this gives you the feeling of having soap all over your body. How was I supposed to know this? I gave myself third-degree towel burns trying to dry myself!

The next item of business is the yard. I guess I should be grateful, but this yard is much more than I anticipated. Cutting the grass with a traditional push mower wasn't going to be an option. So, I had no choice but to go out shopping for a lawn tractor. I have to admit, the shopping part was kind of cool. In the end I narrowed my choices down to Troy-Bilt, Craftsman and John Deere. I almost bit on the John Deere model because they were throwing in a free JD ball cap with the purchase of a tractor. I visualized myself rolling across my front lawn on my John Deere lawn tractor with my matching ball cap belting out Kenny Chesney's "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy!" What a welcome addition I would be to the neighborhood!

Don't worry, when reality finally set in, I wound up buying the Craftsman model. Sears didn't give me ball cap but they did give me free delivery....

Something else that my new neighborhood has is an abundance of deer. I was coming home from work last Friday, seeing a large figure in the distance, I instinctively yelled, "Look at the size of that f*cking dog!" Of course, as I got closer, I realized that it was actually a young deer. I'm going to have to get used to this...

I'm sure there will be many more stories. We've only just begun..........

kw