Fast Food Reunion

Over the past few weeks, I don't I've ever eaten so much fast food. I know it's not healthy, but when you're busy, you just want something fast and filling. As a result, my blood probably has the consistency of a strawberry milkshake. But nothing a good night of drinking won't fix! If there's any truth to the old cliche "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I should change my name to Hercules!

Hey, I know could do the smart thing and order a salad. But I always thought of eating a salad in a burger joint akin to drinking Pepsi in a bar. So, I will continue to fall in line with the portly masses.

As a result of my recent burger binge, I'm now going through an impromptu detox, which among other things, includes mega doses of Metamucil. For those who don't know about Metamucil, just think of it as a liquid pry-bar that goes through your digestive system with wreckless abandon. But enough of the biology lesson. Let me tell you about some of my recent fast food experiences.....

First off, let me say that Chick-fil-A still beats all fast food joints, hands down. This is amazing to me considering that there's not even one burger item on the menu. And let me add that their shakes are top notch too. The biggest problem that I have with Chick-fil-A is that are only two restaurants in the whole Glen Burnie/Pasadena area. Some guys dream about owning a bar. I dream about having my own Chick-fil-A one day.

Now, I don't really care so much for McDonald's. But in a pinch, it will do. When I stopped off at the Sun Valley Mickey D"s recently, I immediately had the pleasure of witnessing a five year old having a Chicken McNugget temper tantrum (I wonder if Dr. Phil has a diagnosis for this). The kid was jumping up and down, screaming, "Nuggets! I want Chicken Nuggets! Waaaaaa!" The mother, who was obviously conditioned for this type of outburst, just carried on her conversation as little Lucifer continued to annoy the rest of the patrons. Before long, the rest of us wanted the kid to have the McNuggets more than he did!

Anyway, the thing that attracted me to the McDonald's in the first place was one word: Angus. There's just something magical about this word. For me, it automatically triggers an impulse to hunt down something with beef in it. So, I step up and order an Angus snack wrap and a Strawberry-Banana smoothie from the non-English speaking counter person. She hands me my food and I head up the door. I soon realized that she gave me one of those new frozen Strawberry-Lemonades by mistake. Maybe the fact that we spoke two different languages had something to do with the mix-up. But I didn't worry about it. It was a hot day and the icy drink actually sounded pretty good.

After tearing into my Angus wrap, I took a generous drink of the cold, fruity beverage. And that's where the fun started. The brain freeze rocked me like an overhand right! I dropped what was left of my wrap and stumbled across the parking lot towards my car. A group of nearby landscapers gave me a concerned look as I staggered past them. It took several minutes to fell normal again. Once I got into my car, still a little confused, I gave myself one of those quick "how many fingers am I holding up" tests. Then, tempting fate, I  took a couple of more "mini-hits" of the frozen drink to test the waters. It hurt my teeth a little, but the pain in my head seemed to be at least manageable now. When they say don't drink and drive, I'm thinking that they might want to include frozen Lemonade to the list!

Another day, I dropped by a local Burger King. I approached the heavily tattooed employee behind the counter. He just looked at me. Actually, it was more like he was looking through me. There was none of the usual "Can I help you" banter. He just continued to stare. I almost did the double hand-wave thing to snap him out of it. During this uncomfortable encounter, I noticed what appeared to be the word "Thug" tattooed across the side of his neck. I couldn't be sure, but I thought I remembered seeing this guy on an episode of Gangland. Needless to say, I didn't wave my hands in his face.

Fearing an imminent shanking, I simply said, "I'll take a number one with a sweet tea." I instantly regretted using the word "sweet" in front of Penitentiary Face. With the faintest hint of a smirk, he relayed my order to the assembly crew. I sensed that he viewed the sweet tea as a sign of weakness. Hey, give me a break. I would have ordered a beer but it wasn't on the menu! When tattoo guy handed me my order, he finally spoke to me with a warm "Thanks, Cuz". Hell, if I had known that we were related, I wouldn't have been so nervous!

Now that things are finally settling down, I'm trying my best to steer clear of the fast food joints. As long as they don't tempt me with the word "Angus", I think I'll be ok.........

kw