Another Gym Tale

I’ve been hitting the treadmill (at home) every morning, but it's not quite doing the trick. So, I decided to go back to the regular gym yesterday. Spring will be here before we know it, and I really need to shed off some of that “feast and frolic” from the past few months.

So, like always, nothing can ever go without incident for me. Having a stress-free workout is apparently asking way too much.

It all starts when I wander back to the corner where they have the abdominal machines. I figure I’ll try to work out those dimples in my beer belly. Well, as soon as I enter the area, there’s a strong stench of body odor coming off of the only other guy back there. It kind of smelled like the inside of a barn, but worse. I almost ran to the locker room to grab my deodorant. I figured I could rub a generous portion on my upper lip, then offer it to Sir Stinks-A-Lot.

Well, the guy finally leaves the area. Then, I proceed to do a series of sit-ups with one arm draped across my face. And just when I think it can’t get any worse, a woman comes into the area and obviously smells the B.O. Then, she shoots a disgusted look my way and turns around and leaves! She thinks it’s me! Can you believe this bullshit? Now, I feel like I have to explain things to her. So, I stop in mid-crunch and rush out to the main part of the gym to catch her. Feeling a bit awkward, I just pass by her so she can catch a whiff of my freshness (I use Irish Spring and smell nice). Not knowing what to say, I just blurt out, “See, it wasn’t me!” She looks at me like I’m nuts, but at least I set the record straight!

Later, I see an elderly lady wearing a skimpy workout outfit. Her pants are made of a shiny spandex material and she’s wearing one of those half-shirts with her belly exposed. I don’t understand why out an out of shape senior citizen would do this. It’s disturbing to me. Hey Grandma, you might be the pin-up girl down at the assisted living home, but you’re making me sick!

As I’m working out with some free weights, I trip over some asshole’s bag in the middle of the floor. And it’s not a typical gym bag. It’s one of those big-ass bags large enough to hide a human body. So, I shoot him “the look”. Instead of apologizing and moving the bag, he actually seems pissed at me because I tripped over his bag! Huh? So, I ask him, “Hey bud, can you move your luggage?” He just looks at me like I’m a fool. I would have kicked his ass, but this is my first day back and I didn’t want to strain anything. Plus, he was bigger than me.

I finally finish my workout and head into to take a shower. Afterwards, I’m standing at the sink in the locker room and an old man walks up to the urinal directly behind me. (There’s mirror, so I can see him.) As he prepares to take a leak, he drops his pants all the way to the ground. Now, I’ve got to look at his wrinkled white ass while I’m trying to shave! Do these people intentionally hunt me down???

Never a dull moment………

KW