Tales From the Checkout Line

Yesterday, I needed some cold medicine and razor blades. So, like a fool, I stopped off at the local Giant instead of just dropping by a local Walgreens or Rite-Aids. I had completely forgotten about the pending snowstorm and, no surprise, the grocery store was packed.

I quickly grabbed my items and headed off to the checkout line. Every line was a dozen people deep as they waited to pay for their stereotypical bread, milk and toilet paper. I scan the area to find the express lane. I walk over and take my place in line. I’m instantly pissed when I see the woman in front of me with a shopping cart loaded with four gallons of milk, six loaves of bread and various other items. The lighted sign above the cashier's head clearly says “10 Items or Less”. Either she can’t read or she’s just trying to be a defiant bitch. Maybe it’s a combo of the two, who knows?

Eventually, the woman in front of me puts her stuff onto the checkout belt. And then she breaks another law of checkout etiquette: she fails to put the separator bar down. So, I reach over her items and grab the plastic bar and lay it behind her milk jugs. I make eye contact and give her my best “hey dumb-ass, haven’t you ever been in a grocery store before” look.

In the line next to me, a woman is having a loud argument with her five year old about a candy bar. Basically, the woman keeps yelling, “Put it back!” And the kid keeps responding, "No!” This continues until the woman finally says, “Ok, fine! Just put it on the belt!” Somehow, we all knew how it was going to end.

I finally lay my items on my belt. Then, the guy behind me starts craning his neck and fixating on my box of Tylenol Cold & Flu Medication. What's up with that? I view this as a blatant invasion of my privacy. An unwritten rule of the checkout line is: Thou shall not study thy neighbor’s goods. Do I even have to explain this?

After my items are scanned, I go to swipe my credit card. But the nosey guy behind me has pushed his cart up to where I have to reach across it to get back to the card reader. At this point, the congestion in my head is driving me nuts and, for a brief moment, I consider giving his cart a hard shove. But seeing the little old lady behind him makes me reconsider. So, while glancing at the shopping cart, I just say to the cashier, “Things are kind of tight here, huh?” She just smiles, clearly not wanting to get into the middle of a pissing contest between me and the moron.

During the whole checkout process, there’s an elderly guy on a bench just beyond the checkout lines. He makes stupid comments to all of the cashiers. It's gotta be torture for these poor girls to have to listen to this guy all day. And sadly, I'm told that he’s a “regular”. I feel like sitting down next to him and quietly asking him, “Sir, has your life become so uneventful that you have to spend your day harassing cashiers in a freggin' grocery store?” But I start to feel sorry for him. I dunno, maybe that Walmart greeter thing didn't work out for him. Or maybe he got ousted from the Senior Coffee Club at the Dunkin' Donuts. I let it go and gather up my things.

When I finally make it outside and there's a feeling of instant relief. Is it just me? Or does this stuff happen to anyone else??

KW