Charming The Cobra

Through the years, I’ve met some rather interesting people. All of them are memorable in their own unique way. And for some unknown reason, I always seem to cross paths with the strangest ones. This story is about one of those individuals.

(To avoid calling anyone out, I’ll just refer to this person as "Spanky")

Earlier this year, Spanky joined our bowling league. The rumor has it that he was kicked out of a nearby bowling house because he was caught playing tug of war with the Cyclops in the ladies bathroom. I wasn't there to witness it (Thank God!) but this is what we've been told.

Well, from I understand, Spanky was reprimanded again this week for doing the five knuckle shuffle (this time in the men’s room) after someone complained. Sometimes truth is indeed stranger than fiction! How do you even deal with something like this? When it comes to bad habits, some people drink and others might smoke. It appears that this guy is a habitual salami slapper.

I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the bowling term “holding your wood”. And when it’s his turn to bowl, I’m guessing we shouldn’t say, “Hey Spanky, you’re up!” He’d probably look down and say “Sure enough” and run to the nearest bathroom. And watch what you say around the snack bar. If you order a pizza and say, "Hold the pepperoni", Spanky will probably shout back, "I've already got that covered!"

I thought I heard Spanky in the bathroom stall a few weeks ago. There was rustling and bustling but I didn’t think much of it. I’m not the most observant guy in the world. I figured he got a bad order of nachos from the snack bar and he was just working things out. The whole time, he was probably slap boxing with the one-eyed champ! Even though he was concealed within the bathroom stall, it disturbs me that I was just a few feet away during his dishonorable discharge! I don’t want to talk about it anymore……

What do we do? Should we call a meeting? (Kind of pointless since Spanky is already holding regular "staff" meetings). He's been warned to knock it off. But how do you reason with a guy who’s obsessed with doing skin flute solos in public bathrooms? Do you call the police? And what would you charge him with, holding his sausage hostage? Or maybe illegal hand to gland combat? This is crazy!

I can't understand the mentality of a guy like this. Maybe as a kid, he confused Jack in the Beanstalk with jackin’ the beanstalk? Who knows?

Hey look, if someone wants to light some candles and have a romantic evening at home with Palmela Handerson, it’s none of our business. But something definitely needs to be done about a jerk-off who continues to get in touch with himself in bowling alley bathrooms!

People are indeed strange……..