Snowflakes Keep Fallin' on my Head

In my forty-plus years of life, I have never seen so much snow in such a short amount of time. It’s a bit surreal. And it’s almost like Mother Nature is playing a cruel game with us. If that’s the case, “Mama, you win. We give up. Enough already!”

Everyone is beginning to get a little stir crazy from being stuck in the house for the past week. All we can do at this point is wait it out and deal with it. It will surely be challenging, but there are certain little things that we can do to help each other out.

For instance, when you finally get around to shoveling out your vehicle, be sure to clear ALL of the snow off of it. More specifically, please get all of the snow off of the roof. The last thing I need is a foot of ice crashing into my windshield at 50 mph because you were too lazy to clean your car off! It will only take you an extra few minutes and possibly save you an ass whuppin’ later!

And watch those icicles that inevitably form under the front door to your house. Some of those things can grow to several feet. And to make matters worse, they can be very sharp. If I’m going to die an untimely death, I certainly don’t want to be the main subject in the “Man Killed by Falling Icicle” story. I’d prefer to be hit by a high speed train while attempting to rescue a puppy. It’s got a nicer ring to it……

Watch out for those scattered patches of ice. Sure, there’s a primal urge to laugh when someone busts their ass on the ice. But let’s not forget that it can be quite dangerous. If you find yourself laughing, (after you regain your composure) go over and help the poor bastard up.

If you have a rear-wheel drive car, don’t even think about going out in this mess. You’re going to eventually get stuck. And I’m in no mood to dig your stupid ass out.

Be understanding to your delivery people. I’m talking about the mailman, the paper deliverers, the Fedex guy, etc. These people are doing the best that they can. Don’t be the asshole that complains because you didn't get your newspaper. Besides, is it really going to tell you anything you don’t already know? It's snowing! Yes, we know....

And, do we really need 24-hour news coverage of the snowstorm? I mean, all I have to do is look out my window to see how bad it is. I don’t need Marty Bass’s official Outback yardstick to confirm it for me!

And why are some people so happy? Some misguided fools see this as a big party. What am I missing here? My ideal setting for a party is on a warm beach with a cold beer in my hand. Not freezing my ass off in the middle of a blizzard with a snow shovel!

And where is Al Gore these days? I guess the global warming poster boy is shoveling snow instead of bullshit these days. Hey Al, if you want to save the polar bears, send them down to Maryland!

I’m guessing that the snow won’t be completely melted until sometime around the Preakness. With all of that moisture soaking into the ground, I’m assuming that everyone’s lawns will be especially green this year. As hard as it is to imagine, spring is only about six weeks away. Try to hang in there until then……

KW