The Eye Doctor

Most people probably don’t feel any anxiety when preparing for an eye doctor’s visit. After all, it’s usually just an eye exam. And more importantly, it’s generally painless. But as for me, I’d rather go to a drill-happy dentist than go to see the eye doctor. I can’t explain it other than I hate to have my eyes messed with.

So last week, I went to the local optometrist to get my eyes checked. His assistant sits me in a chair and has me look through an eye piece. So, I’m sitting there minding my own business and out of nowhere…”POOF!!” Totally unexpected, a blast of air hits my naked eyeball!

I fell out of the chair and immediately reached for my eye. I was relieved to find that it was still there. Then, from the floor, I blasted the assistant, “You asshole! What did you do that for?”

She tells me that this is the eye pressure test and that she warned me that I would feel a “poof of air”.

I tell her, “That's bullshit! I didn’t hear any warning. And come on, it was more than just a poof!! It blew me out of the chair, for Christ’s sakes!”

So, I regain my composure and everyone in the waiting area goes back to reading their magazines. I’m then escorted back to see the optometrist. He asks me to sit down and look through another eye piece. I immediately ask him if there's going to be any surprises. He assures me that this will be uneventful. So, I look into the viewfinder and proceed to read the letters and numbers on the eye chart. He makes several adjustments to the lenses to figure out what prescription I’ll need for my glasses.

He basically tells me that I’m short-sighted in one eye and long-sighted in the other. My initial fear is that if this gets worse, it will cause me to walk around in circles. He tells me that I’m being silly. He says that I might walk into walls, but never in circles. Great!

After this delightful news, I’m escorted back out the assistant. He tells her to give me the “peripheral test”. I tell the doctor that I’m a little apprehensive about this girl giving me any kind of test. He tells me to relax and everything will be ok. Easy for him to say!

So, I sit in the chair and gaze into yet another eye piece. It’s déjà vu all over again. She tells me to click a button every time I see an image pop up on the screen. After a minute, she asks, “Are you seeing anything?”

I tell her no and she tells me to try again. After another minute, she tells me that I should be seeing something on the screen. I assure her that I have no reason to lie and I’m telling her the truth. Then she says, “Then I dunno. You must be blind.”

I fire back, “I probably am blind after what you did to me last time!”

So, the doctor comes out and views my results. Of course, he tells me that it’s not good and he wants me to see an eye doctor. I respond, “An eye doctor? What are you? Just playing one?”

He tells me that he’s an optometrist. And what I need is an ophthalmologist. How am I supposed to know these things? I thought an eye doctor was an eye doctor.

I am now preparing to go see the ophthalmologist. I’m told that my pupils will be dilated and I won’t be able to see clearly for several hours. So, I’ll be about as useless as Mr. Magoo for the rest of the day.

Anyone want to join me for Happy Hour? I’m probably going to need someone to help pour my drink!

KW