Pimp My Ride

Everyone has their own preference when it comes to cars. Some people like big gas-guzzling SUVs while others prefer those un-masculine, yet economical hybrids. Whatever works for you is fine with me. But I don’t understand some of the aftermarket add-ons and “enhancements” that people will sometimes use.

For instance, I was deep in the bowels of the city one day sitting at a red light. A car, filled with what I assume were members of a local gang, pulls up beside me. I tried not to look at them but I guess my peripheral vision “disrespected” them. So, the driver fires up the hydraulics and the car starts to bounce up and down like a kid on a pogo stick! I felt like a mouse that was about to be pounced on by a cat. If they were trying to intimidate me, it worked! As soon as the light turned green, I floored it and I was out of there. If it wasn't for the possibility of getting killed, I would have yelled, "Kiss my yuppie ass, you crazy bastards!"

And another day, I’m sitting at another red light on Security Boulevard (I like to live dangerously). As I’m engulfed in a talk radio program, I notice a car pull up beside loaded with another group of fine looking individuals. The car pulled to a stop, but strangely, the wheels continued to move. The car appeared to be moon-walking! I did a double take and rubbed my eyes, but it didn’t change anything. For a moment, I thought someone at the Subway might have put something in my Diet Coke. Could I be hallucinating? Later, I found out that these were called “spinner rims”. One of the silliest things that I ever saw!

Years ago, people would sometimes hang a pair of fuzzy dice from their rear view mirror. Aside from impairing your vision, I never really saw the purpose of these ridiculous looking things. Regardless, this leads me right into my next experience….

As Tina & I are driving on route 10 in Glen Burnie, I notice something hanging from the truck’s trailer hitch in front of me (“dangling” is probably a better way to describe it). As I get closer, I see that it’s a pair of testicles! I impulsively tense up and think about the poor bastard that “supplied” these decorations. I soon realized that they are fake (Thank God!). Then, then humor kicks in and I start to laugh.

Tina asks, “What’s so funny?”
Trying to downplay it, I say, “Oh, nothing. But that’s nuts!”
Tina asks, “What’s nuts?”
And then, I point at the truck bumper. And we both start laughing.

No doubt, a set of latex balls dangling from a trailer hitch is funny. But what’s even funnier is that I hear the local lawmakers are writing a bill to outlaw the balls (no, I’m not kidding). So, while other towns are working on public safety and commerce issues, my town is working on outlawing balls. Another Wal-Mart moment brought to you by Glen Burnie!

Ok, are you still with me?

I never really got the whole idea of making your ride sound like a jet engine. Wasn’t the muffler invented so we didn’t have to listen to the annoying noise of the engine exhaust? Well, my non-English speaking neighbors down the street don’t see things my way. Some times, they’ll fire up their car in the backyard and it sounds like the sky’s falling. I don;t even know how it's possible to make a car this loud! I’m serious. One day last summer, I’m lounging around my pool. It’s a quiet day and the only noise is the chirping from the birds. I’ve got a book in one hand and a drink in the other. I’m about as relaxed as you can possibly get. Then out of nowhere, it sounds like the freggin’ space shuttle just launched from my front yard! I fell off my lounge chair, skinned my knee and worst of all, spilled my drink! Sure, I’m pissed! But I can’t say anything because I don’t speak Spanish! Eventually, the morons blew their engine and peace was restored.

Personally, if I buy a car and it runs good, I don’t feel the need to mess with it. I certainly don’t need hydraulics, spinner-rims or anything dangling from my back bumper. But, obviously, not everyone agrees……

KW