Healthy Living

As we get older, there are many things we can do to improve our health. We get advice and opinions from everyone from medical doctors to annoying infomercial pitchmen at 2:00 in the morning. I’ve tried a few of their suggestions and here are my findings…


Green Tea

Loaded with antioxidants, I’m told that green tea is one of the most overall healthy drinks in the world. Millions of Chinese people can’t be wrong, right? The biggest problem that I have with green tea is that it has no flavor. To me, all the green tea in China doesn’t taste nearly as good as a Sam Adams from Boston!


Red Wine

When I heard that red wine was healthy for the heart, I was ecstatic. Finally, a valid excuse to drink! So, I bought my first bottle of red wine. (Ok, I’m lying; it was actually a five liter box.) Well, I pour my first mug and start on the path to a healthier heart. After several more mugs, I was definitely feeling healthier. And best of all, pain free. I seriously thought I had discovered the Fountain of Youth.

Well, the next morning comes and all of my optimism went out the window. My head felt like someone hit me with a ten pound sledgehammer and my stomach was in knots. But I assumed that my heart was healthier than ever.

I later learned that you’re not supposed to drink red wine out of a beer mug. And that you should limit yourself to one or two glasses a day. How was I supposed to know this?


Fiber

I’m told that most Americans don’t get near enough fiber in their diets. Fiber is important, especially for middle-aged men like me. So, I decide to start a “fiber therapy” routine. I head down to the local drugstore and pick up a container of psyllium fiber (also known as Metamucil). I mix a teaspoon of this grainy powder into a glass of water. I gulp it down and begin my journey to cleaner colon.

After about an hour, I start to feel some rumbling in my stomach. It progresses to the point where I start to think that I might be pregnant with twins. I was thinking, "You've really done it this time!"

I was too anxious to sleep. So, I chased a handful of valiums down with a couple shots of Nyquil. This did the trick and I slept in a coma-like state until the next morning. When I woke up, let’s just say that I felt the need to “purge” my system. And the purge began. I think everything in my digestive tract came out, including a bad burger that I ate in 1982! I instantly felt like Mr. Clean.


Sinus Rinse

I had been reading about how people in India have been doing sinus rinses for centuries. They claim it has tremendous health benefits. Millions of Indians can’t be wrong, right? So, off I go on another trip to the drugstore to pick up a rinse kit.

In my kit, there’s a small plastic water bottle. There’s also a screw-on lid that has a tube that extends to the bottom of the bottle. I also find a supply of sodium packets. The idea is that you fill the bottle up with warm water and mix in the salt packet. Then, you hold the bottle up to one of your nostrils and squeeze. If done correctly, this is supposed to force the water into your nasal cavity and out of the other nostril. Then, you do the same thing with the other nostril. The theory is that this will flush out any debris and/or excess mucus. Sounds delightful, huh?

My initial rinse was an experience to say the least. I put the bottle up to my left nostril but had trouble pulling the trigger. I looked at the terrified fool in the bathroom mirror and yelled, “You can do this, man! Come on!” Then, I reluctantly squeezed the bottle. The saline solution blasted into my sinus cavity like a freight train! This was “brain freeze” in the tenth degree. I was disoriented and felt like my head was going to explode. I’m hanging onto the top of the bathroom door with one hand and massaging my skull with the other. Then, just when I think it can’t get any worse, Tina comes down the hall and says, “What in the hell are you doing?” I tell her that I think I might be drowning. She responds,"OK. Just don’t make a mess!" And then goes back to watching TV.

I survived to tell about this one, but it was a close call. They say you can drown in a teaspoon of water. And boy, do I believe it!


Stretching

Ever since I was kid, coaches always told us to stretch before jumping into a competitive game. Yeah, I guess it made sense, but we very seldom did it. But as I get older, I notice that a lot of the guys have indeed started the stretching routine before the game (whether it’s golf, tennis or even bowling).

So, a few months ago, I decided to stretch out a little before a tennis match. Maybe it would limber me up and perhaps even give me an advantage on my opponent. So, at the risk of looking like a fool, I start my routine of twists, rotations and leg stretches at courtside.. Just when I’m starting to feel like this was a great idea, I feel a sharp pain in my right ass cheek. I get up to walk it off, but all I can manage is a pathetic limp. So, not only was tennis out for the day, now I had to sit around with my leg propped up for the rest of the weekend. No more stretching for me!


If it's true about "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I might as well change my name to Hercules! As I get older, I’m sure I’ll be suckered into trying more “healthy” routines. But at this point, I’m wondering if it would be better to just to roll the dice and drink more beer!


KW