Winter Static

It should come as no surprise that I’m not a big fan of winter. Aside from the snow (which I’ve already ranted about enough for one season), there’s a multitude of other things that put me in such a jolly mood this time of year.

I don’t know what planet Al Gore in on, but global warming hasn’t seemed to affect Mr. Wilson’s neighborhood. My outside thermometer is currently reading 28 degrees. Hey Al, send those polar bears to my back yard. They’ll be just fine!

And because it’s so damned cold, I’m forced to run the heat way more than I’d like to. And as they say out West, it’s a “dry heat”. The problem with this is that it causes static electricity every time I walk more than three feet. I’m afraid to touch anything made of metal in my house between December and April. I’m not kidding, I’ve created sparks that could light up a football field. One time Tina yelled down the hall to me, “Was that lightning?” I told her, “No, it was just me turning on the light switch!”

It’s so bad that I sometimes tip-toe down the hallway and “sneak up” on the light switch. (Like this is somehow going to prevent me from getting shocked). Tina will sometimes catch me and say, “What in the hell are you doing?” I’ll shush her, wave my hands and point at the wall switch. Then, I'll swipe my hand across it as quickly as I can. Sometimes I get shocked, sometimes I don't. But I always prepare for battle!

I know I sound like I’m nuts, but I was lit up more than the Christmas tree this year! I’m at a point now where I carry a wooden ruler in my back pocket. This allows me to turn on my TV and appliances without setting myself on fire. Yeah, it looks pretty stupid, but at least there’s no pain involved.

And to add fuel to the fire, Tina will throw a polyester blanket on our bed. So, when she moves in the middle of the night, it looks and sounds like the fourth of freggin' July. When the fireworks start, the cats let out a loud screech and crash into the walls as the try to get away. And me? I’m too afraid to move! Of course, Tina sleeps right thorough it…

Another side effect of running the heat is that it causes my skin to dry out. So, I’ve found myself using more moisturizer than ever before. You can break my balls if you want. But without the moisturizer, I’m afraid that I’ll explode like a box of matchsticks one day!

For me, summer can’t get here fast enough. The thought of 90 degree heat sounds pretty appealing to me right now. I just hope I can survive until then……


KW