The Reason For The Season

I was just reading a Washington Times article* about how most Americans view Christmas today. According to the piece, nine out of ten Americans participate in Christmas. And out of those people, three quarters believe in the biblical account of Jesus' birth. But most surprising is that only half of these people regard Christmas a religious holiday. Really?

After I think about it, I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. After all, commercialism has all but bastardized what's left of the traditional American Christmas. The celebration of Christ's birth has been dwarfed by the celebration and worship of the latest X-Box. In a traditional time of "giving", it seems that, ironically, we're becoming more and more greedy. And the worst part is that we're passing these materialistic attitudes onto our kids. I'll bet if you ask almost any 10-year old about the meaning of Christmas, he/she will likely say something like, "It's when Santa brings me lots of toys."

Hey look, I'm not trying to be the Grinch here. I acknowledge that the whole Santa Claus thing is a rite of passage. Who doesn't love the look of a child's face when they discover their presents on Christmas morning? But shouldn't they at least learn the meaning behind Christmas?

But it's almost gotten to the point where you can't even utter the word Christmas anymore. Especially in places of business, people are now terrified of using the "C" word. When did this happen? "Happy Holidays" has replaced "Merry Christmas" as the all-encompassing, family-friendly greeting.

If you happen to be a follower of another faith or no faith at all, I respect that. If you don't want to participate in Christmas celebrations, then don't participate. But why ruin it for the roughly 220 million Americans who do. Where's all of that tolerance that we about so much?

I believe that all of this politically correct bullshit is the reason why so many people ignore the religious significance in Christmas. Are we celebrating the birth of Santa Claus? Of course, not. We're supposed to be celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ (but you've got to promise not to tell anyone). Pretty soon, a black stripe will probably be required to cover the first six letters in Christmas. We will sending each other ------mas cards. Remember when Mayor Burgermeister Miesterburger outlawed toys in "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"? Of course, that could never happen today because spoiled kids everywhere would unite and fight back with high-pitched whines and temper tantrums. But how long before Christmas itself is outlawed? It might sound crazy but it's already gotten to the point where Christ isn't even allowed into the party. How crazy is that?

The reason for the season is becoming less significant with each passing year.......

kw

* http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/dec/18/half-of-america-strips-religion-from-christmas/

Blown Out But Still Breathing

As game time approached yesterday, I actually thought that the Ravens would give the Patriots a run for their money. Boy, was I mistaken! The highly anticipated grudge-match was one of the worst displays of game execution that I've seen in a long, long time. Last week, the Ravens relied on six field goals from Justin Tucker to squeak out a win against the Lions. This week, they could barely get the ball on their side of the 50-yard line. Baltimore's lone touchdown didn't come until the 4th quarter. After scoring three 4th quarter TD's against Minnesota a couple of weeks ago, they went on a seven quarter TD drought. You never know what you're going to get with this team.

Speaking of which......What was up with Justin Tucker yesterday? The guy just came off of the best kicking performance in Ravens history and then he misses a chip shot? Did someone kidnap Tucker and send Billy Cundiff out in his place? That was just crazy.

As I watched the game from a pub table at the local Greene Turtle, I got more and more frustrated with every Raven's mishap. The team not only looked flat, but they didn't seem to have any fire in their belly. At times, I was on the verge of throwing my beer mug across the bar. But I really didn't want to compound my football frustrations with a trip to the police station.

I've watched a few games at the Greene Turtle. It usually attracts a diverse football crowd. Yesterday, about half of the crowd were Raven fans. But also saw fans for the Packers, Redskins, Cowboys, Colts and Steelers. Watching the terrible towels come out after every Pittsburgh score had me on the verge of coming unglued. Thank God there were no Patriots fans in attendance. That would have been enough to push me over the edge!

Now, I'll say two nice things about Tom Brady: He's a really good quarterback and he's got a really hot wife. However, I really hate him. And I should feel really bad for the terrible things that I wished on him yesterday. But I don't. Trying to find something salvageable after the Patriots picked off a pass and returned it for a TD, I took joy in watching Brady walk around the sideline trying to give someone an high-five. Unfortunately, for Brady, there didn't seem to be any takers. Apparently, he's such a dick that his own teammates won't even high-five him. How cool is that?

The officiating in yesterday's game was pretty bad. I think the Ravens were called for some bullshit penalties. But you could make an argument that the Pats got their share petty flags and no-calls as well. It wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. The Patriots straight up whooped Baltimore's ass. To add salt to the wound, I had to endure the wrath of several anti-Raven Facebook friends as they delivered their predictable jabs. Hey, if I'm going to give it out when the Ravens are winning, I've got to be prepared to take my lumps when things go the other way. It's part of the game.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that this was supposed to be a rebuilding year. Six months ago, I had the Ravens pegged to finish at 8-8. Regardless of what happens this Sunday, my prediction will ring close enough. However, the good news is that Baltimore is somehow still in the playoff hunt. If they win on Sunday and either Miami or San Diego loses, the Ravens go to the playoffs for the sixth consecutive season. Strangely enough, the Ravens could actually lose on Sunday and still make the playoffs. Yes, that's right. If Miami, San Diego and Pittsburgh all lose, the Ravens move on regardless. But don't expect that to happen.

It's the last week of the season and we still have a shot. That's not so bad when you think about it........

kw

Christmas Shopping In The 'Dena

Last week, Tina & I decided to finish up our Christmas shopping. For the most part, we give out money cards to the kids and gift cards for the adults. We like to support the local businesses, so we headed up to the local Pasadena shopping center.

Our first stop was the Greene Turtle. Although our primary goal was to pick up gift cards, we felt obligated to stop off at the bar and have a beer. I'm a member of the Mug Club, so I personally wanted to make sure that no dust had collected on my mug. As we tipped backed our beers, a woman cozies up to the bar next to me to order a drink. She's wearing a Redskins shirt, so we strike up a conversation about football. I introduce to her to Tina. At some point, she asks, "Are you guys married? I don't see any wedding rings." I tell her that we are indeed married. Although feeling a little awkward, my ego starts to inflate because I assume that the woman is flirting with me.

Anyway, the woman then tells us that she's gay and introduces us to her partner. This leaves me feeling a bit dejected as it's more likely that she was actually flirting with Tina. She tells us that she likes coming to the Greene Turtle because people are accepting of her lifestyle and tend not to judge. I tell her that I have no issue with gay people. Hell, if Hillary gets elected in 2016, we'll have our first lesbian President. She starts to laugh. So, I say, "What's so funny? You really don't think that Hillary can win?"

Then, going back to football, I ask her, "If you must play for the other team, does it really have to be the Redskins?" Acknowledging my lame attempt at humor, she just shakes her head and laughs. I buy her a beer and we exchange a few more stories and laughs. A very cool woman who we hope to run into again.

We leave the Greene Turtle and then head over to the Lake Shore Shopping Center. We stop off at Two Rivers to pick up more gift cards. We purchase the cards and head down the strip mall for more shopping. Since I need to pick up a special sized lightbulb for Tina's china cabinet, we head into Ace Hardware. We were greeted by a red-vested employee at every turn. I picked up the lightbulb and to the checkout line where I noticed a display of Duck Dynasty Chia Pets. I find it funny and impulsively blurt out, "Do people really buy these things?" This prompted at least three people to turn around and stare at me. I quickly realized that we were in the 'Dena and people probably do buy these things.

We make our way back outside to the covered walkway. Tina decides she wants to check out cat food in the pet store. As we walk in, we're quickly greeted by a young man who has an uncanny resemblance to comedian and Katy Perry's ex-husband, Russell Brandt. Tina asks him a question about cat food. This sets him off on a 20-minute deep-dive into everything you ever possibly wanted to know about feline energy sources. I have never seen anyone so enthused about cat food. It was like watching one of those old Richard Simmons exercise videos. I almost felt like ripping a bag open and eating it myself!
When the guy eventually finished his seminar, I felt the urge to applaud. The guy gave us some free samples of the world's best cat food and we continued on our way.

Tina needed to pick up some of those money card/holders. So, she talked me into going into the Dollar General store. As soon as we entered the store, it knew it was going to be a mistake. The place was packed. It reminded me of the Star Wars bar scene. I saw one guy talking to himself and another one having a loud, obnoxious conversation on his cell phone. There was a woman with several small children in one of the aisles. The kids were pulling random toys off of the shelves and screaming, "I want this one! Buy me this one!" The mother would answer every demand with, "Put it back now. I'm not telling you again!" And then, she would tell them again. And again.....

As I turn down another aisle, I see a strange looking guy staring at the razor blade display. If Slingblade had a son.....

As Tina gathers up her things, she says, "Come on, I want to get out of here."

I reply, "You want to get out of here? I never wanted to come in here in the first place!"

"Just shut up and get in line with me", she says. Yes, I just love this time of year.

We get in line behind four other people. The cashier is about as fast as a turtle with a broken leg. The line quickly builds to the point where it's about 20-people deep and snaking down the far aisle. The cashier yells for her lone co-worker to open up another register. The new cashier says, "I can help the next person in line."

The woman in front of us, who was actually the third person in line, bolts to the newly opened register. Since no one else joins her at the new register, Tina and I move in behind her. At this point, the original line starts flowing like the Niagra Falls. Meanwhile the woman in front of us is having issues. She swipes three different credit cards and they all show declined. She's got about $29 worth of merchandise on the counter. She then starts to pull out various gift cards. With each one, she says to the cashier, "I think I've got five or six dollars on this one, can you check it?" At first, I was really annoyed. Then I thought about it. This woman might have been trying to buy gifts for her kids or grandkids. We almost offered to pay for her stuff. But she was attracting enough attention and we didn't want to embarrass her any further. So, we jumped over to the original line.

Now, after already waiting for twenty minutes, we were back where we started. At this point, the beer from the Greene Turtle was putting a hurting on our kidneys. So, Tina says, "Ken, I really gotta pee."

I remind her that it was her idea to come in here. She responds, "Ok, whatever, Let's just put the stuff down and go. I can pick it up later."

I point out that we've already been waiting in line for a half hour and I'm determined to see this thing through. Then, she hands all of her miscellaneous items to me. And like an idiot I take them from her. I ask, "What are you doing?"

As she starts towards the exit, she says, "I'm going up to Two Rivers to use the bathroom. Meet me in the bar when you're done and I'll have a cold beer waiting for you."

The other people in line react with laughter and high-fives. One guy says, "Your wife has the right idea!" And then another says, "Man, that's cool. I wish my wife was more like that!"

I remind these delusional fools that she just left me stranded in the line at the Dollar General store. There is nothing right or cool about that. If it isn't already bad enough that I'm literally left holding the bag, now I've got to deal with Tina's fan club.

I finally see light at the end of the tunnel as I make it up the cash register. The young cashier laughs as I drop my items onto the counter. She tells me that I'm funny. I have an uncontrollable urge to go into the Joe Pesci "Good Fellas" rant..."You think I'm funny? Funny how? Like a clown? Do I amuse you.....?"
But I just smile and let it go..

I finally make it outside and walk a few stores up to Two Rivers. I stroll in with my Dollar General bag and see Tina sitting at the end of the bar. As soon as she sees me, she starts laughing. I tell her,"I'm really not finding a whole lot of humor in any of this." This only makes her laugh even harder.

Sometimes, it's easier to just shop online........

kw

Erv's 80th Birthday

(This was my roast/speech from my Dad's 80th birthday party on 12/15/2013)


Thank all of you for coming out today to help us celebrate my Dad's 80th birthday. Most of you here know my father and I'm sure you have had your own unique and memorable experiences. If anyone wants to share any stories or say a few words, I'm sure our friendly DJ would be happy to lend you the microphone. In the meantime, I'll tell you a few of my stories....

Since we're celebrating his birthday today, I'll start right here. Through the years, finding a birthday gift for my Dad was always an adventure. He's one of those guys who "never needs anything". I would always do my best to find the perfect gift but somehow, I always seemed to miss the mark. One time, I bought him a nice North Carolina Tarheels hat. I figured, he's from Carolina, it makes sense.....Anyway, after a couple of weeks, I notice that he's not wearing the cap anymore. I asked him what happened to it. He said, "I took it off because I got tired of people asking me who won the game. How the hell do I know who won the game? I don't even watch basketball!"

Another time, I bought him one of those expensive Polo shirts. But I eventually wound up taking it back NOT because it was the wrong size or color, but because it didn't have a pocket.You see, years ago, my Dad used to smoke. And he liked to store his pack of Winstons in his shirt pocket. If you look at some old family photos, my Dad is easy to find. He's the guy with the rectangular nipple...

When Dad finally gave up smoking, we were all happy. But I was especially happy. You see, I used to work with my Dad. And we would usually ride to work together. On our daily commute, Dad would smoke what seemed like half the tobacco in North Carolina. As the cab of the truck filled with smoke, I would hang my head halfway out of the window. Even though it was sometimes 10 degrees outside, I didn't care. I would often get strange looks from other drivers as they saw my frostbitten nose hanging out of the passenger side window. Eventually, my Dad would tell me to wind up the window because I was letting all of the heat out. By the time we got to the job site, I would stumble out of the truck, gasping for breath and rubbing my bloodshot eyes. Then, my Dad would look at me and say, "You know, you shouldn't go out partying when you've gotta work the next day."

There were other adventures too. One time, we were building a deck. We reached a point where we needed more wood, so I took the pick-up truck and headed up to the lumber store. I loaded up the bed with a stack of pressure treated wood. Now, the wood was 10 or 12 feet long, so I had to put the tailgate down. Keep in mind that my Dad's truck had one of those hard plastic bed liners. Well, I leave the lumber yard and start to make a left turn onto Crain Hwy. As I begin to accelerate, the lumber slips out of the truck bed and spills across both lanes of the highway. I get out of the truck and start to pick up the scattered boards and load them back into the truck. Luckily, some of the other stranded motorists got out and helped me. I guess they didn't have much of a choice since I had the whole highway shutdown. When I finally get back to the job site, my Dad says, "What the hell took you so long."

I just told him that there was a traffic jam.........I knew if I told him the truth, I would get an earful. You see, my Dad was way too smart these type of things happen to him.

Well, not long afterwards, (and I wasn't there this time), Dad tells me that he himself spilled a load of lumber all over the road. Trying my best to keep a straight face, I said, "Are you serious? How does something like that happen?" Then, I told him about my experience and we both laughed about it.

Back in the day, one of my Dad's favorite weekend activities has dabbling in flea markets and yard sales. When I was a kid, he used to take me along. I was always impressed with the way he would wheel and deal with the different vendors. He would always get things for the lowest possible price. He taught me that everything is negotiable. So, one day I walk into the 7-11 and the lady rings up my Big Gulp and Snickers bar, She tells me that it's going to be $1.49. I rub my chin and tell her, "I'll tell you what. Make it an even dollar, and we've got a deal!" Needless to say, I didn't inherit my dad's negotiating skills.....

In recent years, Dad had pretty much shelved his flea market activities to focus more time on building his lawn mower empire. On any given day, you can catch my father in his garage tweaking carburetors and breathing new life new into old lawn mowers. In the spring time, people are constantly stopping by to see the Lawnmower Man. One time, I stopped by to visit my parents and my Dad wasn't home. There was a knock at the front door, so I went to answer it. I greeted the two men standing in the front yard. They said, "We're here to see the Lawnmower Man." It reminded my of the scene where Dorothy and the gang finally arrive in Oz and they ask to see the Wizard.

Anyway, I explained that he wasn't home. They asked if I was his son. I said that I was. The next thing I know these guys are shaking my hand and telling me about the famous Lawnmower Man. It turns out that my Dad is Brooklyn's biggest celebrity since the $99 Dollar Down Man. Who knew?

Sometimes, my parents will have a house full of people and the door bell will ring. My Dad will shake his head and say, "I'll bet it's somebody wanting a damn lawnmower. I can't get a minute's worth of peace!" You think your life is tough? Try living the life of a lawnmower man.......

Now, if you've ever had an argument with my father, you know that you can't possibly win. I remember having an argument one time. I think we were talking about who we thought was the best baseball player. We went back and forth arguing our points. And as my Dad's blood reached a boiling point, I said, "It's just my opinion." He told me that I was entitled to my opinion. But I was still wrong. You see what I mean?

We probably have a lot of Baltimore Ravens fans in here. Well, my Dad's not one of them. If you want to get him fired up, just mention how awesome the Ravens are. Or if you want to watch him turn red and see steam come out of his ears, just mention Ray Lewis. This will usually result in him storming into the kitchen where he'll grab his canister full of news clippings. He'll hand you each clipping and say, "Here, go ahead and read this and tell me what you think."

One time, I said, "Dad, this is an opinion piece." He replied, "It doesn't matter, it's the truth!" Like I said, you're not winning any arguments with him.

Let me give you this piece of advice......If you ever get into an argument with my father and you feel that you're backed into a corner, just start talking about lawn mowers.

..............................................................................................................................

On a serious note......

As a young man, my Dad left the tobacco farms of North Carolina for the city life of Baltimore. He began a career as a carpenter and he soon discovered that he a natural talent for the trade. I worked with him on many projects through the years. And I was always amazed at his ability to transform a stack of lumber into an impressive looking deck or a beautiful house. He took pride in what he did and it always showed in his work.

Through the years, I learned a lot of things from my father. He taught me the normal father-son things but he also taught me many life lessons. He taught me the value of a dollar and how to step up and take responsibility. He also taught me respect and ultimately how to be a good father myself. In a nutshell, he taught me how to be a decent man. For that, I will always be grateful.

Dad, you're a good man. And all of the people here today should show you how fondly you're thought of.. We all love you and wish you many more happy years. Happy birthday......

Christmas Albums - The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

This is the time of year when I like to take a much needed break from my usual talk-radio shows. So, I proceed to blow the dust off of my favorite Christmas CD's and transport them out to my car. As I prepare to listen to the holiday tunes, I sometimes have to punch the CD button on the car stereo several times. I assume that since it's been stuck on the AM stations for so long, it has a difficult time understanding exactly what a CD is...

There are many good Christmas albums out there, but I have a few that rank as my personal favorites. They include:

• Christmas Eve & Other Stories by Trans-Siberian Orchestra - An absolutely brilliant album where the TSO takes you on a spirited Christmas journey.  If there is a such thing as a "kick-ass" Christmas record, this is certainly it.
• A Very Special Christmas by Various Artists - This album was produced in 1987 to raise money for the Special Olympics. It features artists such as Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, John Mellencamp, Stevie Nicks and Whitney Houston doing their renditions of their favorite Christmas classics.
• White Christmas by Bing Crosby - If you are having a rough day, let Bing Crosby take you away to a more relaxing place. The legendary crooner always delivers the perfect Christmas song.
• A Charlie Brown Christmas by The Vince Guaraldi Trio - This Christmas album always takes me back to my childhood when my biggest concern was getting to bed before Santa made his rounds.
• Elvis' Christmas Album - Elvis could make any song sound great. This collection of Christmas classics is a great example.
• The Coolest Christmas by Various Artists - This album features some of the best versions of Christmas classics. It includes the Bing Crosby/David Bowie version of The Little Drummer Boy, a cover version by The Alarm of John Lennon's classic "Happy Christmas (War Is Over)", Dean Martin's "Let It Snow" and Brenda Lee's yuletide favorite "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree". Another great Christmas CD to add to your collection.

I have to mention that I just picked up Kelly Clarkson's Christmas CD ("Wrapped In Red") and I give it an enthusiastic two thumbs up. Yes, I might be the only heterosexual male over the age of 21 who has every Kelly Clarkson CD. And yes, my friends often bust my balls about it. But anyone who thinks that the girl can't sing is either tone-deaf or delusional. 

Now, along with the good Christmas collections, there are also the not so good recordings. For instance, I recently saw an ad for "Duck The Halls" by the Robinson Brothers (aka the Duck Dynasty guys). To be fair, I don't know how bad it is because I never listened to it. And I don't intend to anytime soon....

After seeing the Duck Dynasty ad, I did a little research and found several other Christmas albums that will never get the opportunity to penetrate my ear canals. As crazy as it may seem, here are a few unconventional Christmas records that do indeed exist:

• Ho Ho Ho by Rupaul - Nothing gets you into the Christmas spirit quite like a 6-foot transvestite.
• Hung For The Holidays by William Hung - Yep, even an American Idol audition reject can make a Christmas album.
• Christmas On Death Row by Various "Artists" - A collection of uplifting holidays tunes from a bunch of gangsta rappers. It's all fun and games until someone busts a cap in Santa's ass.
• The Regis Philbin Christmas Album - I can think of a million other things that I'd rather do than listen to Regis sing anything.
• A Very Larry Christmas by Larry The Cable Guy - I imagine the same people who bought this CD also have a talking bass hanging on their living room wall. I'm sure this is a hot seller at the local Walmart but I think I'm gonna pass.
• A Twisted Christmas by Twisted Sister - If Santa had an evil twin brother, he would probably resemble Dee Snider. No, I don't think this is going to work.
• Christmas In The Heart by Bob Dylan - Listening to Bob mumble the lyrics to Winter Wonderland will have you reaching for the Scotch bottle long before he heads to the meadow to build a snow man.
• Christmas Time Again by Lynyrd Skynyrd - I had no idea Skynryd released a Christmas album back in 2000. Times must have been tight.
• Merry Christmas From The Brady Bunch - Sure, growing up, we all lived vicariously thorough the All-American sextet. But does anyone really want to hear them sing?
• The Star Wars Christmas Album - In space, no one can hear you scream. Hopefully, they can't hear you sing either.
• Yuletide Disco - This is just downright sacrilegious.

What's next?? A Big Ass Christmas Album by Kim Kardashian? Chugging With Santa Claus by Lindsey Lohan? Twerkin' Around The Christmas Tree by Miley Cyrus? Exposing My North Pole by Anthony Wiener?

When it comes to Christmas records, some are good, some are bad and some can be downright ugly........

kw

An Incredible Ravens Finish

Even after a full night of sleep, my heart is still beating extra fast after the crazy finish to the Ravens/Vikings game yesterday. Thinking of all the adjectives that I could use to describe it, "Wow!" probably sums it up best. With a just a few ticks before the two-minute warning, the Vikings were up 12-7. As hard is it is the comprehend, the game ended with the Ravens winning 29-26.

First off, I feel kind of sorry for the Minnesota Vikings and their fans. They fought just as hard as the Ravens in the end. Unfortunately, for them, the sand in the hourglass ran out on them. 

Secondly, I feel really bad for any Raven's fan who either left the game early or turned the game off in the fourth quarter. They missed what are some already calling the best two minutes in NFL history! It was certainly the best finishes that I can ever remember watching.

The thing that made yesterday's dramatic finish even more impressive was that the snow and freezing rain had turned the field into a giant ice rink. However, the poor playing conditions could not put a damper on either team's desire to win.

As much criticism as Joe Flacco takes from some of the fans, you can not deny his ability to stay calm in the most trying of circumstances. For him to march the team downfield in the final seconds and score the game winning TD proved to me that he is indeed a special quarterback. This doesn't mean that I won't criticize Joe at times. But I can't deny that the guy is a winner.

Speaking of winners, Dennis Pitta played his first game of the season yesterday. Although he's been injured most of the year, he came into the game looking as healthy as ever. He had six catches including a highlight-reel grab in which his body was parallel with the frozen tundra below. He also had a key TD catch that helped secure the Raven's victory.

And what can you say about Jacoby Jones? I don't even know why teams kick the ball to this guy anymore. He's pure dynamite when he gets his hands on a kick-off. When head coaches try to trip him on the sidelines, you know how dangerous he is. Hey Tomlin, this TD's for you!

Last year's playoff game between Denver and Baltimore is one of the best football games that I've ever watched. Yesterday, the Ravens gave their fans a two-minute condensed version of that excitement. It was the most heart-pounding two minutes of football that I've ever seen.

With yesterday's incredible victory, the Ravens stay in the playoff race for another week. The game against Detroit next Monday night will be huge. And of course, the following week the Ravens will play the Patriots. No doubt, both of the games will be tough, but they are certainly winnable, in my opinion. With any luck, the Ravens and Bengals will both have a lot at stake in the final regular season match-up on December 29.

No matter what pans out for the rest of the season, it sure feels good to be Ravens fan this morning....

kw

Great Cover Tunes

So, last night I got together with a bunch of friends to cheer on our good buddy, Lathan, as he filled in on drums for a local cover band. Live music is always a treat, especially when you know the guys behind the music. With that being said, most cover bands try to replicate the original song as closely as possible. Although there's nothing wrong with that, there's an added element of interest when a band puts their personal touch on a song. The band that we saw last night, Major Company, did exactly that. They were interesting, enjoyable and downright good.

After having a day to digest this, I got to thinking about cover tunes in general. Some bands record covers that fail to measure up to the original. In other cases, the cover sounds identical to the original. So, what's point? However, in a few rare cases, the cover blows away the original. Everyone will have their their own ideas of a great cover. Here are just a few that popped into my head:

• All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix - No doubt, Bob Dylan is a brilliant songwriter. However, I was never a big fan of his performance. Hendrix's classic guitar riffs and passionate vocals capture the mood of the song.
• Black Magic Woman by Santana - A song that was originally done by Fleetwood Mac (during the Peter Green days). Santana's Latin vibe added the key ingredient to make this song great.
• Green Manalishi by Judas Priest - Although this is one of Judas Priest's most well know songs, many people don't know that Fleetwood Mac did the original. The original version was a bit psychedelic and spooky. Judas Priest's cover delivered the powerful vocals and an updated guitar sound that the song needed.
• Hurt by Johnny Cash - I know Johnny Cash isn't considered "rock" by today's standards, but his cover of the Nine Inch Nails song is downright epic. The fact that Cash recorded the song shortly before he passed away makes it that much more amazing.
• Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson - Everyone is familiar with the original version by the Eurythmics. But Marilyn Manson adds a disturbing twist that makes the song even more memorable.
• Higher Ground by The Red Hot Chili Peppers - I really like Stevie Wonder's original version. But the Chili Peppers turned up the heat and made a great song even better.
• Me and Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin - The original version done by Kris Kristofferson was dwarfed by Joplin's much more passionate version.
• You Really Got Me by Van Halen -  The song that put Van Halen on the map. Their cover version blows the doors off of the Kink's original.
• With A Little Help From My Friends by Joe Cocker - While there's certainly nothing wrong wit the Beatles version, the soulful rendition from Joe Cocker is one of my all-time favorite cover tunes.
• Diamonds and Rust by Judas Priest - The original version by Joan Baez sounds like elevator music compared the the kick-ass version by Priest.
• Summertime Blues by The Who - The original 1958 version by Eddie Cochran is clearly outdone The Who's classic performance.
• Proud Mary by Ike & Tina Turner - Tina Turner tuned this classic CCR song into her own.
• Blue Suede Shoes by Elvis Presley - No offense to Carl Perkins, but if Elvis does your song, people are going to forget the original.

There are many other great cover tunes that I failed to mention. Maybe you can add a few to the list.....

kw

The Ravens Serve Up Thanksgiving Dessert

The Ravens-Steelers rivalry is, no doubt, one of the best in the NFL. When these two teams get together, you know there's going to be a lot of trash-talking, on-field fighting and highlight-reel hits. Watching these two teams go at it is like watching Ali vs. Frazier. And last night was no different.....

As the game approached, I was in desperate need of a 5-Hour Energy shot. The tryptophan from a large turkey dinner was taking it's toll. But I was determined to hang it there for what would be another hard fought battle between the division rivals. So, I popped open a cold Sam Adams Oktoberfest and got ready for kick-off.

The usual gathering of family members who join us for Thanksgiving dinner hung out to to watch the game. A few good friends also came over to cheer on the Ravens. However, for the first time ever, I allowed a Steeler's fan to join us. Not only did he join us, but he also donned the team's jersey. I was a little worried that this had the potential to turn into Jerry Springer episode. 

As the game progressed, the Ravens took a small, but seemingly, comfortable lead. But as we've come to expect, the Steelers would eventually come back to make it another nail-biter.

The most controversial play came when Baltimore's Jacoby Jones returned a punt for 73 yards. As Jones blazed down the sideline, it appeared that he would go all the way for a touchdown. But as he approached the 20-yard line, Pittsburgh head coach Mike Tomlin was standing on the sideline in front of Jones, The Ravens punt returner had to cut in towards the middle of the field to avoid hitting Tomlin. As a result, Jones was tackled by Steelers' cornerback, Cortex Allen. The Ravens ultimately settled for a field goal.

Tomlin's excuse was that he was watching the punt return on the stadium's JumboTron. Perhaps that's true. But how can he not see that he's in the way? I mean, the JumboTron is 24 feet high and 100 feet wide. Even Stevie Wonder should have been able to see that he was in Jones' way!

With the referee a few feet behind the play, I can't believe that a flag wasn't thrown. The Ravens should have been awarded a touchdown. But for some reason, beyond my comprehension, the officials let it go.

Now, if I could rewind the clock, I would have liked to have seen it play out this way:

Jacoby Jones comes barreling down the sideline and sees that Tomlin is going to impede his path to the end zone. Jones lowers his shoulder and collides with Tomlin. The impact is so violent that it sends Tomlin's headset flying into the upper deck. As the Pittsburgh head coach lays there wondering what train hit him, Jones breaks into a Dancing With The Stars victory dance over top Tomlin's semi-conscious body. The crowd goes ape-shit as the referees gather to discuss what just happened. Eventually, the head ref announces, "The Pittsburgh head coach impeded the runners path, Therefore, by rule, this is a touchdown! Please relay this information to head coach when he regains consciousness." 

I know, I know, This might sound a bit extreme. But something similar happened to the Steelers on the way to the end zone when Steelers running back Le'Veon Bell attempted to punch the ball in from the 1-yard line. As Bell approached the goal line in the final minute of the game, he was leveled by Ravens Jimmy Smith. Bell's helmet came off and squirted through the end zone. Bell looked like he just took an uppercut from Mike Tyson as he appeared to be unconscious. I didn't know it until last night but when the runners helmet comes off, the play is dead. I wonder what happens if the runner is dead? 

The good news is that the Steelers running back, although a bit dizzy, was able to walk off the field. The Steelers made a valiant effort but came up a bit short. But the game proved to be another edge-of-your-seat showdown between the two division rivals.

The Ravens victory was a perfect dessert for the awesome Thanksgiving dinner that we enjoyed earlier in the day. I must mention that our lone Steelers fan was a good sport about everything. In a den full of rabid Ravens fans, it couldn't have been easy for him to sit through all our verbal abuse directed at the Steelers during the course of the game. Who knows, maybe we can convert him..........

kw

A Day of Giving Thanks - 2013

Thanksgiving is a time when we should give thanks and appreciation for all that is important in our lives. Whether it's family, friends or just the fact that we've made it to another day, there are certainly many things worthy of our appreciation.

There are mornings where I wake up and wonder what I ever did to deserve such a good life. I've got everything I ever wanted. As crazy as it sounds, I sometimes feel a little guilty about it. And although material things can certainly be nice, they have very little to do with it. A new car or a piece of jewelry might make you feel happy for a short time. But true happiness must come from within and it's the people in your life that bring it to the surface. Money doesn't make you nearly as rich as surrounding yourself with positive people.

Today, I am thankful for my family. Although we often get busy with our personal lives and maybe don't see each other as often as we'd like to, we know that we can always count on one another. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.

I am also thankful for all of the good friends that have been a part of my life over the years. You have all touched me in some way and I am very grateful. One of my all-time favorite movies, "It's A Wonderful Life", pretty much sums it up for me. Without family and close friends, we are nothing. At the end of the classic movie, George Bailey's brother proposes a toast and says, "To my big brother George, the richest man in town." From the first time I saw the movie, I wanted to be "George".

Additionally, I am thankful beyond words that I wake up every day in the United States of America. I give thanks to all of the veterans who have provided the freedom that has made my wonderful life possible. I'd especially like to thank our troops around the world who can't be with their family and friends today. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Wishing all of you a safe, happy and memorable Thanksgiving.....

kw

The Joys of Flying - A Case Study

Preparing for my flight from Denver to Baltimore last Friday, I went through my normal routine of checking-in online 24 hours beforehand. I was disappointed to see that only middle seats were available. Actually, this isn't quite true. In yet another attempt by the airlines to gouge passengers, there were several middle and aisle seats available, if you were willing to pay a $56 upgrade fee. Of course, this got my blood pressure up. But already feeling beaten down by my recent flights, I reluctantly reserved the "free" middle seat. I figured with my luck, even if I paid the upgrade fee, there would be a family of squatters camping out in my "premium" window or aisle seat. And we all know how that's been turning out for me.

Flight day......

As I wander into Denver International Airport, I make my way up to the United Airlines "counter" to check my bag. I soon discover that the counter is actually more of a self-serve kiosk. I could tell that half of the customers were thoroughly confused as the poked at the touch screen as if were the Pillsbury Doughboy. Behind the counter, there were several United employees. Their job was to drift from station-to-station to assist people as needed. It seems to me that things could be handled way more efficiently if the employees were doing the actual baggage check in the first place. But, from what I assume is an attempt for the airline to save a few bucks, we're left to do it ourselves.

And speaking of checked bags, there's also the issue of charging for this "service". In United's case, it's $25 per checked item (under 40 pounds). Since my suitcase itself weighs about 10 pounds, this only leaves my 30 pounds for a weeks' worth of clothes and a winter coat. If I go over the 40 pound limit, I will be forced to pay another fee. Obviously, all of this has the potential to tack on a substantial sum of money for a vacationing family. As a result, people opt-out of checking their bags and carry them onto the plane to avoid paying any fees. More on this later.....

As I make my way into the main part of the terminal, two airport employees direct me to the screening area where "the line is much shorter". I head over to the security line which is growing as it snakes back and forth. If this is the "shorter line", I'd hate to see the other one! We are poked and prodded through the line like clueless cattle by the various TSA agents. I accept that the security screenings are a way of life in a post-9/11 world. However, it irritates me knowing that 99.9999% of all passengers are harmless and totally undeserving of the screenings, pat-downs and gropings.

After about twenty minutes, I finally make it to the point where you take off your shoes, belt, watch, dental fillings or any else that might set the metal detectors off. I then step into the body scanner where my image is sent to an unknown TSA screener in an undisclosed location. I can't help but feel like a Peeping Tom victim every time I go through this process.

Somewhat relieved, I make it through without setting off any bells or whistles. I gather up my belongings and head to the tram that will take me to the Gate B of Denver's large airport. The tram is full of anxious passengers. Every time the underground train stops and starts, people practically falls on top of  one another.

As I make it to the B Concourse, I find a place to sit. Although the flight isn't scheduled to leave for another hour, people have already begun to stand in line at the various boarding stations. Scanning the crowd, I see a very familiar face at the front in boarding group A. It's none other that Oriole legend, Cal Ripken Jr. My mind drifts as I imagine getting a seat next to the Ironman and talking Orioles baseball all the back to Baltimore. But reality soon kicks me in the head as I realize that Cal is in the First Class section while I'll be huddled with the rest of the cattle back in the coach section. Oh well, sometimes it's fun to dream....

I eventually board the plane, hoping that my neighbors for the next few hours will be anorexic runway models. I don't mean to be insensitive, but the skinnier these people are, the more room there is for my fat ass in the middle seat. As I approach my seat, I see that there is no one else in the row yet. I sit there and watch the other passengers struggle to fit their oversized luggage into the overhead bins. When it becomes clear that some of these bags won't physically fit, a flight attendant announces, "Folks, we'd like to leave on schedule. If your bag won't fit into the overhead bin, we will check it for you at no charge."

WTF?

So, people like me, who play by the rules, get stuck paying $25 to check our bag. But the people who clearly violate the size limit of the carry-on rules get to check their bags for free? What is wrong with this picture??

As I feel my blood pressure rising again, I am comforted when a young lady. who happens to be the size of an Olympic gymnast, interrupts my mini-stroke and asks,"Excuse me, can I squeeze by you? I've got the window seat."

Shortly afterward, a surprisingly thin guy sits in the aisle seat to my right. I finally relax, knowing that I won't be crushed into numbness on the flight home. God bless skinny people!

As my flight progresses, I kill time by digging into John Grisham's latest book. Before I know it, we are descending into BWI. The gymnast next to me is sound asleep. The flight attendant wakes her to tell her that she needs to return her seat to the upright position. Here's something that I never quite understood. Since we're already pinned in our seats like veal, why would the airlines even allow seats to recline? Through the years, I have spilled multiple airline cocktails because some asshole in front of me decided to aggressively recline his seat.

Anyway, we eventually land and make our way to the baggage claim area. As I see my brand-new bag coming around on the carousel, I notice a large scuff mark on the side. Did the plane run it over on the way to the gate? I guess you have to pay an extra $25 if you don't want your bag f*cked up?

If you've ever flown before, you can probably relate to a lot of these things. If not, just be prepared. Isn't flying just grand??

kw

A Developing Flight Pattern

Well, it was deja vu all over again for me, folks. I was faced with a recurring dilemma on my flight to Denver this past Sunday. I recently told you my story about the flight back from Florida*. Of course, that flight had a happy ending.

Here's the latest story from the friendly skies.....

Going through my usual pre-flight ritual, I checked in online 24 hours in advance. My seat number was 37A, which is a window seat. Although I prepare the aisle seat, a window seat is perfectly acceptable. As long as I don't get the dreaded middle seat, I'm good to go.

On Sunday, I head to airport. The flight is totally full. In fact, it's overbooked. How do airlines get away with this? If you have 300 seats, you should only be allowed to sell 300 tickets. But anyway, I eventually board the plane and make my way to the back of the large plane. As I approach the mid-30 rows, I see one empty window seat on the right. Using deductive reasoning, I conclude that this has to be my seat. I squeeze past the guy who's already sitting in the middle seat and shoe-horn my ass into the small window seat. I strike up a conversation with the guy next to me. He tells me that his wife and small child are in the row in front of us. His wife is in the middle seat with a young child that I would estimate to be about a year and a half old. In the window seat next to the mother, sits the couple's three year toddler.

The guy "apologizes in advance" for any commotion that the kids will cause during the 4-hour flight to Denver. This couldn't be good. In a lame bribe attempt, he offers to swap his middle seat with the guy in the aisle seat in front of us. But we all knew that wasn't going to happen. Given the choice of a middle seat and a screaming kid, I'll take the screaming kid every time.

Well, before long, a young woman in her mid-20's stops at our row and, in a not so friendly tone, says, "You're in my seat."

I find it odd that she looked at me when she said it. So, I reply, "Sorry, I think you might be mistaken. I have 37A"

And then she replies, "Well, you're sitting in 38A. That's my seat."

I realize that I made the mistake, so I apologize to girl and start to move out into the aisle.Then, I realize that the three-year old is sitting in my seat. Now, what?

So, I look at the parents and say, "Oops. How are we going to work this out?"

The mother tells me that the child is frightened and doesn't want to sit next to a stranger.. The father then utters what I've been dreading. He asks, "Would you mind letting my daughter have your seat? You can have her seat in the next row."

Almost afraid to ask, I say, "What is your daughter's seat number?"

He says, "36B."

Now, 36B might be a desirable bra size, but when it comes to airplane seats, it's anything but desirable! I instinctively give the guy my best "are you kidding me" look. My attention is then directly to the guy's daughter who is now clinging to her mother in an Oscar award winning kind of way. As the little girl starts to whine, another passenger says, "Aw, she's afraid that she's gonna have to move away from her mother." Everyone turned their heads to see what was going on. I felt like the passengers were conspiring against me. Can you believe this bullshit?

So, just like my trip from Florida last month, I had no choice. If I make the child get out of my seat, I will ironically look like the anti-Christ. I have no recourse except to say, "Fine, you're daughter can stay where she's at. I'll squeeze in between these two guys." I reluctantly squeeze into the row in front of the mother/daughter and take the dreaded middle seat.

As the child realized that her Oscar winning performance had paid off, she instantly began to laugh and play like she was going to Disney World. As the flight was in process, the little girl would occasionally let out a loud, ear-piercing scream. Napping passengers would jump every time she screamed. To add to the commotion, the girl began to fight with her younger sister. I put my ear-buds in and cranked up my I-pod to full blast to try and drown them out.

I've talked to some other people about what I've experienced. Some of them have told me that they won't switch seats regardless of the situation. I can see their point. After all, they check in at the appropriate time to secure a desirable a seat. Why should someone be able to set you up by planting their kid in your seat? It's a below-the-belt tactic, if you ask me. If families want to sit together, airlines will often allow an early check-in for a small fee. Ironically, it's often the guy that pays the early check-in fee who gets forced out of his seat.

I'm really starting to hate flying.......

kw

* http://kensmouthpiece.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-party-flight-from-panama-city.html

Can Obamacare Work Itself Out?

The Obamacare roll-out is well into it's second month and the problems continue. The millions of cancelled health insurance plans has the President fumbling to save face with the American people. The President, this week, actually backtracked a bit and has proposed extending the individual insurance market for one year. Essentially, this would allow people to actually keep their existing plan for another year. This is really nice of him considering that's what he promised in the first place.

But should any of this come as a big surprise? After all, the Affordable Care Act was
 rushed through Congress and sold to us on a lie. If you remember, we were told that it was not a tax. However, the main focus by opponents of the bill, was whether or not it was actually constitutional. When it eventually made it's way to the Supreme Court, to the Republican's dismay, it was deemed to be constitutional. Why? Because it was TAX!!  So, Obamacare staggered on......

And as if that wasn't hard enough to absorb, the President told us time after time that if you like your plan, you can keep it. To millions of Americans, that turned out to be another lie. Are you sensing a pattern here?

Somewhat related, we were also told that 30 million of currently uninsured individuals would be covered under Obamacare. Many of these folks would receive free medical services and Obama promised that it "wouldn't add a dime to our deficit". Was this also a lie? Technically, no. You see, as people are kicked off of their current plans and forced into the Obamacare exchanges, they'll likely pay higher rates for coverage that they don't really need. The idea being that the overcharge would subsidize the free services. In other words, the people who could afford to pay for insurance would cover the people who could not afford it. So, per se, it would not add to the deficit. But it would likely add to cost of many of our insurance plans.

But while all of this was being digested, something unexpected happened......

As people started to get cancellation letters from their insurance companies, they got a little upset. As a result, they contacted their representatives and voiced their outrage. Since many Congressional Democrats carried the President's water on the Obamacare campaign, they had some serious explaining to do. 

In a strange turn of events, Obama is now feeling pressure by members of his own party to somehow put a positive spin on this. Obama is between a rock and a hard place right now. His approval rating is at an all-time low and the midterm elections are right around the corner. Today, Senate Democrats outnumber Republicans 53-45 (2 Senators are Independent). Since there are over 30 seats up for re-election, all of this could have a major impact in 2014.

Yesterday, a house bill was passed that would not only allow insurers to offer policies on the individual market, but they would also be allowed to sell policies to new customers. The bill, sponsored by Republican Fred Upton of Michigan, was passed 261-157 with 39 Democrats voting in favor. This is an indication that at least some Democrats are prepared to jump ship on Obama to save their own asses back home. However, it is assumed that if the bill somehow makes it through the Senate and onto to the President's desk, Obama will veto it.*

Here's the thing with politics.... Everyone has their reasons for who or what they believe in. However, when you start hitting people in the wallet, they take it personal. And more precisely, when people are negatively impacted by a lie(s), especially in the pocket book, it becomes a major challenge to win back their trust and confidence. That will be Obama's biggest hurdle in the upcoming months. He will have to convince Americans that what we've experienced in the initial weeks are only minor "bugs" that will eventually work themselves out. At this point, it appears that it will be a hard sell....

In spite of everything I've mention above, here is my biggest problem. The President claimed that he wasn't aware of the problems leading up to the website debacle. This seems hard for me to believe considering that this is his signature piece of legislation. How could he have not been informed of any potential problems? Additional, when he continuously promised that everyone would be able to keep their current insurance plan, did he simply not know that millions of people would be dropped? If so, in hindsight, it seems irresponsible that he would push a bill that he didn't even understand. If he did know about all of this, then there's no other explanation other than he lied. If that's the case, he didn't think people would react when they got the cancellation letters from their insurance companies?

Am I the only one who thinks that Obamacare was rolled out after the 2012 elections for a reason?

I read the news reports (from both liberal and conservative sources) and try to make sense out of all of it. I certainly don't claim to fully understand it. But, from what I've seen since it's roll-out, it appears that the people who gave us Obamacare don't quite understand it either.....

kw

*http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2013/11/15/House-Passes-Upton-Fix-for-ObamaCare

Pit Bulls - Dangerous or Unfairly Biased?

People have various opinions of dog breeds, especially of the pit bull. The media can certainly influence these opinions. Whenever there's a brutal dog attack, it seems like we can almost guess that the reporter will reveal that there was a pit bull involved.  However, when I was a kid, the German Shepherd was the dog that intimidated us the most. A decade later, the Doberman and Rottweiler were competing for the title.

But in recent years, the pit bull has surpassed the notoriety of all the other breeds. We have all heard the  stories where a pit bull attacked without provocation. In the worst cases, the attack resulted in a fatality. Just last week, a 56-year-old Baltimore woman was mauled to death by her own pit bull. This particular dog had also attacked the woman twice in the past. Also last week, a woman in Kernersville, NC was killed by her two pit bulls. Last month, a 5-year-old was mauled to death by a neighbor's pit bull in Baker City, OR. And in September, two toddlers were killed by pit bulls in separate incidents, one in Colten, CA and the other in Gilbert, AZ.

And just this morning, I was reading an article about a woman in Wilton, CN who had one of her arms ripped off by her sons' pit bull.*

I have personally witnessed the aftermath of a pit bull attack. The daughter of my sister's friend was savagely attacked by a neighbor's pit bull when she was about five old years old. The dog literally ripped the child's face off. She has had many reconstructive surgeries through the years to repair the massive facial damage.

Quite frankly, when I saw the little girl and learned of her story, I instinctively developed a hatred for pit bulls. The terror that the young child experienced was unfathomable. My thought was that the volatility of a pit bull was no different than leaving a loaded gun laying around. I also questioned why anyone would want to own such an unpredictable animal, especially where children were present.

However, as years went by, I personally encountered several of these dogs, some of which were owned by close friends. My experience in these cases were much different. Although I was initially intimidated, I eventually found these pit bulls to be playful, almost like overgrown puppies. I started to question whether I unfairly stereotyped the breed.

The fact of the matter is that any dog, assuming it has teeth, can bite. Case in point, I ran into a mailman last week who had recently been bitten by a dog. Curious about the large bandage on his hand, I asked what kind of dog bit him. It was a Chihuahua.

During my lifetime, I have been bitten by three dogs. The first time was by a German Shepherd when I was about twelve years old. When I had reached over to pet the Shepherd while he was eating, he instinctively deposited his fang teeth into my right hand. Although I was quite surprised that the usually mild-mannered dog snapped at me, I quickly learned that you don't mess with a dog while he's eating. A short time later, I was bitten on the leg by another friend's dog as we were running through his house. This one happened to be a small German Schnauzer. And the third time came courtesy of my aunt's Chihuahua, who I was convinced had a serious anger management issue.

Fortunately, for me, all of my dog bite experiences were minor and required no medical attention. Of course, there's quite a difference between a dog bite and a dog attack. I looked up some random statistics on all of this and here's what I found:

• Children, especially boys between 5-9, are the most likely targets of dog bites
• Dog bites rank second in annual childhood emergency room visits. (Baseball/softball injuries rank #1)
• There are approximately 885,000 reported bites a year. Roughly 20% of these bites require medical attention
• Over 16,000 dog bites are work related. Mail carriers account for roughly 6000 of these bites
• The number of fatalities due to dog attacks is relatively low. However, the number is on on the rise. During the 1980's and 1990's, the average death rate due to dog attacks was 17. In the past six years, the annual rate has nearly doubled to 31 
• According to the American Humane Society, 92% of fatal dog bites involve male dogs, 94% of which are not neutered
• Somewhat surprising, 25% of dog attacks involve chained dogs
• Since 2006, pit bulls have accounted for the most fatal attacks by breed

And while the pit bull seems to be synonymous with today's dog attacks, according to studies conducted by the CDC**, there is no scientific proof that they are human aggressive or inherently vicious. Additionally, they are not the breed that bites the most. For instance, recent records have shown that the Chow is more likely to bite than a pit bull. And the German Shepherd is five times more likely to cause bite trauma than the notorious pit bull.*** I owned a German Shepherd and never felt the least bit intimidated by him, but you never know. And let's face it, the reason that police use German Shepherds isn't only because they're good-looking and smart. They use them because they're bad-ass! While the pit bull might be viewed as a relentless street-fighter, one could make the argument that the German Shepherd is the highly skilled MMA fighter. Both can be dangerous in their own way.....

The pit bull will likely remain the "poster child" of dangerous breeds. And we can't deny that it's, at least a somewhat, deserved reputation. However, we also can't ignore that fact that many other breeds are capable of attacking or, in the worst cases, killing. One of the keys, in my opinion, is responsible ownership. As a gun owner, you need to take precautions. The same should hold true in the case of dogs.......

kw

* http://www.ctpost.com/news/article/Pit-bull-bites-off-owner-s-arms-4976857.php
**http://mabbr.org/pit-bull-ownership/the-truth-about-pit-bulls/
*** http://www.thedogpress.com/Columns/Dog-BiteStatisics-09_Jade.asp

The Deception of Handicapped Parking

Have you ever paid close attention to the people who park in the handicapped parking spaces? Of course, there are some folks who are legitimately deserving of these spots. But I'd be willing to bet that the majority of these people are about as "handicapped" as Miley Cyrus during a twerking competition.

I recently saw a guy pull into a handicapped spot in front of Macy's. He jumped out of his truck and sprinted across the parking lot and into the store. That's right, he sprinted like Bruce freggin' Jenner! I was going to report the guy to one of the teenage mall cops. But as I walked past the guy's truck, I was shocked to see that he actually had handicapped tags. Legal or not, how does a guy who runs a four-minute mile have the conscience to park in a handicapped zone?

And sometimes, instead of the traditional handicapped license plates, people will use those tags that hang from the rear view mirror. The advantage is that they can easily move these tags to different vehicles. And as a result, these portable tags also make it easier to abuse the whole handicapped parking situation. For instance, I've seen people who looked like Olympic athletes park in handicapped spots. And, appearing to defy logic, they have one of those familiar tags hanging from the mirror. When I see these inconsiderate assholes effortlessly strolling across the parking lot, I instinctively get the urge to go all "Tonya Harding" on them. But  because there are laws against this type of thing, I've never actually do it. But I have to assume that nothing would turn an abused handicapped tag into a legitimate tag quicker than a brisk thump to the knee cap.

There is a hefty fine if you park in a handicapped spot without proper tags. But I think that the fine should be double or triple if you have the tags and then proceed to run across the parking lot! In my opinion, this is just another case of entitlement fraud.

So, if you happen to be one of these thoughtless morons who makes it a habit to abuse handicapped parking, please do us all a favor... the next time you get out of your vehicle, at least humor us and walk with a limp. It's the least you can do!

kw

More Offensive NFL Teams

The controversy regarding the Redskins "offensive" name is still alive and well. But as I was thinking about it tonight, I realized that people might have it all wrong. If any team should be offensive to Indians, shouldn't it be the Cowboys? I mean, who was giving the Indians the most grief in the old westerns? It wasn't a burgundy and gold football team. It was the freggin' cowboys! And when we were kids, we didn't play football and Indians. No, indeed. We played Cowboys and Indians. So, instead of the Oneida Indian Nation putting pressure on Dan Snyder, maybe then should head to Dallas and have a talk with Jerry Jones.

Aside from the Redskins controversy, I also thought about how some of the other teams could be deemed offensive. For instance, what about the Giants? Couldn't their cockiness be considered just a bit insensitive to short people? Didn't they already suffer enough emotional abuse from Randy Newman?

And what about the Saints? Should the Vatican take offense? After all, this was the "saintly" team who put out bounties on opposing players. That sure doesn't very saint-like to me. I think the Pope should head to New Orleans and have a sit-down with the team.

Let's look at the St. Louis Rams. I'm sure there's a group of pissed-off mountain goats out there somewhere who don't want their name associated with a big city. By the way, has anyone ever seen a ram in St. Louis?

Why does Buffalo get away with calling their team the Bills? There's probably at least one guy named Bill who doesn't take too kindly to Buffalo using his name. He should petition the team to change their name to the Steves, Johns, Joes or Bobs.

The San Francisco 49ers.....why not give some love to a few of the other numbers? 

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers..... I wonder how those Somali pirates feel about this?

The Green Bay Packers? I'm not going to touch this one.

And regarding the Jaguars, there's probably a group of promiscuous, old women who have a problem with the name. Oops, sorry, I was thinking about cougars. Nevermind....

kw

Halloween Ramblings

As another Halloween approaches, I've been reading some interesting news stories regarding the traditional fall event. For instance, a woman in Fargo, North Dakota has said that she plans to give out notes to overweight trick-or-treaters instead of the traditional sugary treats. The purpose of the note is to lecture parents about their overweight kids. Come on, really? Hey, when I was growing up, I was one of those overweight kids. And I can tell you this, if someone dropped a "fat note" in my plastic pumpkin, their car windows would have been immediately introduced to my bar of Ivory soap.

Back in the day, we certainly had our share of Halloween disappointments. But it usually came in the form of pennies or a piece of fruit. I always perceived the people who dropped a few pennies into your bag as cheapskates. But the people who gave a kids fruit for Halloween were delusional. If a kid has a choice between a Snickers bar, a Reese's Cup, a roll of Smarties and an apple, guess which one he won't pick?

But probably the worst trick-or-treat "candy" that I ever received was a hard boiled egg. Looking back on it now, this was quite possibly my very first "WTF" moment. For a kid, getting a sweater for Christmas is bad. But getting an egg for Halloween is ridiculous. The neighborhood kids eventually developed a "system" to alert future trick-or treaters of the egg lady. They basically just tossed the eggs into the street. If you saw a rubbery sea of yellow and white in front of a house, you knew to bypass it. Simple, but effective. That's how we rolled....

While we're on the subject of undesirable Halloween treats, according to a recent Fox News report, here are the ten worst candies to give out:

• Necco Wafers - They look like large Smarties but instead of tasting sweet, they're bitter and nasty
• Circus Peanuts - These are actually soft, banana-flavored, peanut-shaped candy. The first one tastes ok, but any more and the nausea begins to kick in
• Mallo Cup - One of my all-time favorites. If anyone wants to get rid of their Mallo-Cups, send them my way!
• Mary Jane candy - Hard chewy peanut-butter candies. A money maker for dentists as they have a tendency to extract fillings and crowns.
• Goldenberg's Peanut Chews - Another candy that I really like. I'm surprised to see it on the list. Maybe it has something to do with peanut allergies?
• Wax Lips - These are just silly and flavorless.
• Wax Coke Bottles - These always seemed like a wasted effort. You chew and chew then eventually get a squirt of colored, sugar water. We even bother?
• Hershey's Symphony Bar - I've never had one, but if it's made with chocolate, can it really be that bad?
• Licorice Bites - I always preferred the longer Twizzler sticks.
• Jaw Breakers - I've never heard of anyone breaking a jaw on one of these, but I imagine quite a few teeth got broke.

I was also reading about an Ohio dentist who was offering to buy back candy from local kids. I don't quite get this. This would be like the Post Office promoting email. As I pointed out in my Mary Jane comment above, candy is good business for dentists. Why would they want to take it away?

Moving away from the candy, Halloween costumes can be interesting, funny and sometimes quite controversial. For instance, Dancing With The Stars winner/actress Julianne Hough got into some hot water when she dressed up as a character from the hit series "Orange Is The New Black". Honestly, I had never heard of the show until I read the news blurb about Hough. What really got the actress into trouble was that she was dressed up as "Crazy Eyes", a black woman on the show. Apparently, people took offense to Hough wearing dark face paint.

Taking it one step further, a duo in Massachusetts dressed up as George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin. While I think a lot of the racial stuff is overblown, I think this one was in very bad taste.

Last week, the University of Colorado instructed students to not wear any costume that could be deemed offensive or a crude stereotype. Included in the list were cowboys, Indians and anything "ghetto" or "white trash". 

Speaking of white trash, a mother and daughter in Detroit dressed up as exactly that. Donning white trash bags and face make-up which simulated blackened eyes, the couple wore the controversial costumes to an elementary school's "Trunk or Treat" party. Something tells me that me that Mom won't be invited to the PTA Christmas party this year. 

And lastly, dressed up as a clown, some drunk moron in Wisconsin dangled an 8-year-old from an overpass. A clown is already terrifying enough to a kid. The clown in Stephen King's "It" still freaks me out. Can you imagine the emotional distress that would result from a shitfaced clown dangling you from an overpass? If there's anyone out there from social services, you really need to pay this guy a visit. 

With all of this being said, I hope everyone has a fun and safe Halloween. And don't forget to send me those unwanted Mallo Cups!

kw

If You like Your Plan.......Oh, Nevermind

The Affordable Care Act was sold to us from the very beginning on a big lie. We were told that it wasn't a tax. However, after taking a trip to the Supreme Court, is was indeed determined to be a tax. So, it shouldn't come as a big surprise when we hear of even more lies concerning the President's signature domestic achievement.

When President Obama started hawking the ACA back in 2009, he promised time and time again that people would get to keep their existing doctors and healthcare plans. It turns out, that was a lie. In fact, we're learning that approximately 1.5 million* Americans have already received cancellation letters from their insurance companies. Current policies are being cancelled because that fail to meet the minimum requirements dictated by the Obamacare mandate. It has been estimated that the cancellations could reach 14 million.** These are the folks who purchase insurance on the individual market and not through their employer, Medicare, Medicaid or the V.A.

It's one thing to lie or equivocate. After all, we've come to expect it from politicians. But it is now being reported that even though it was known that people would be forced out of their current plans, Obama continued to spew the lie in which he promised people would be able to keep their plan. 

All of this is especially embarrassing for the administration after the computer debacle that continues to go on. Critics of Obamacare predicted that it would be a train wreck. And that's certainly what it has been so far. Even liberal news sources are uncharacteristically highlighting the mishaps of the ACA. It's like they have a premonition of things getting much worse, so they want to get out in front of it now. This way, the conservatives won't be able to accuse them of protecting the President and his healthcare reform later.

And I almost feel sorry for White House Press Secretary Jay Carney when I see him fumbling through his daily press briefings. Watching Carney attempting to put a positive spin on the Obamacare clusterfuck is like watching one of those sad SPCA commercials. I'm almost expecting a caption that says, "For only pennies a day, you can help get Mr. Carney out of the White House and into a warm, loving home...."

At some point, you would think that Obama himself would step up and take some of the responsibility. But considering he "knew nothing" about Benghazi, NSA spying, IRS abuse of power, Fast and Furious, nor what Reverend Wright was preaching for 20 years, I expect him to plead ignorance on this one as well. 

And remember when the ACA was passed and VP Joe Biden whispered into Obama's ear that "this is a big fucking deal"? Actually, I guess you could say that he had a point. But has anyone seen or heard from Uncle Joe since Obamacare went live? 

It's hard to say how problematic this thing really is. Will it ultimately become the train wreck that most critics predicted? I guess Nancy Pelosi was right when she said, "We have to pass the bill to find out what's in it...." By the way, has anyone seen her lately??

kw

* http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Government/2013/10/28/ObamaCare-Costs-15-Million-Their-Health-Insurance-So-Far

** http://money.msn.com/investing/post--white-house-knew-millions-could-not-keep-plans-under-obamacare

Shut Up & Play Football

It's always disappointing to me when I see one of my favorite bands or actors trading the traditional stage for a political soapbox. When I go to a concert or a movie, my intention is to get away from the craziness of the world for a few hours. When politics are injected into the mix, there's always a tendency to ruin the atmosphere for many of the fans.

The latest example of this comes to us from the NFL's Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens recently accepted a $130,000 contract to promote the President Obama's Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). This comes after the NFL made a decision to ignore pleas from the Obama administration to promote the hotly contested healthcare plan.

This especially disappointing to me as I am a big Baltimore Ravens fan. I love watching them play on Sunday afternoons. But, I really don't look forward to see the organization pushing Obamacare down my throat. Quite frankly, they have really pissed me off on this one. At this point, I couldn't care less if won another game this season. They have risked angering a big portion of their fan base in order to promote a political agenda. I just don't get it. At the very least, I think the fans deserve an official explanation from the Ravens organization.

Although entertainers and professional athletes certainly have a right to their opinions, I don't think that it's a good idea to rub the fans' faces in it. In any group of people, it's very likely that a decent percentage won't share your political belief. So, why would you risk alienating any of them? Shouldn't all the fans be important? After all, they paid to hear you sing, act or throw a ball. When did ESPN and VH1 become CNN or Fox News?

It really ticks me off to have my tax dollars going to my favorite football team to promote something that I don't support. Although I haven't found any specifics on why the Ravens chose to go against the NFL's decision, I have a suspicion that some of Maryland's "Obama-ass-kissing" politicians could have been a major factor.

As silly as it might sound, I actually feel betrayed by my team. I'm not sure what kind of long term impact all of this will have on me. Right now, I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. Maybe I'm just caught up in the emotion right now and I'll eventually find my way through it.

Under normal circumstances, I would stick with my team through thick and thin. However, when they start pushing a political agenda, especially one that I don't agree with, it really makes it tough for me to just sit back and ignore it. To add salt to the wound, I have friends who are big fans of the Steelers, Patriots, Colts, etc. They will undoubtedly be giving me a bunch of bullshit over this. And what will I be able to say? Nothing! I'll just have to sit there and take it. Do you how humiliating it's going to be to have a Pittsburgh fan bust my balls over, of all things, Obamacare?

I'll probably get over this but the bottom line is.......Football teams should focus on playing the game leave the political grandstanding to the assholes in Washington.

kw


 http://washingtonexaminer.com/super-bowl-champ-baltimore-ravens-getting-paid-130000-to-promote-obamacare/article/2537602

Pressure Mounts on the Redskins

I wrote about the Redskins "offensive" name a couple of weeks ago*. But since then, depending on who you talk to, things have gotten even more serious or ridiculous. For example, there's a newspaper in Virginia (Richmond Daily News) that has announced that they will not be using the word Redskins in any of it's pages. The newspaper says the word is insulting to Native Americans, racist and divisive.

Another Richmond based newspaper, the Richmond Free Press, is dropping the Redskins name from it's pages because it calls the name racist. The publication, which targets Richmond's black community, has called the word "Redskins" divisive and insulting to Native Americans.

The Virginia newspaper isn't the only one that has chimed in on the subject. a New York paper recently published a political graphic (shown below) which comperes the Redskins logo to the swastika and confederate flag. The flags are described as "Archaic Symbols of Pride and Heritage". Are you kidding me? The swastika, I agree, is a deplorable symbol of hate. Although the confederate flag is certainly part of American history, it has been abused by white supremacist groups, so I can understand why some people might be offended by it. However, I don't see how the Redskins logo represents hate of any kind. In fact, I think it portrays the American Indian as proud and brave. What's so offensive about that?



And the controversy has moved beyond the media outlets. In Washington DC, several schools are pushing for a ban on Redskins jerseys in the classroom. I guess the ban on education wasn't enough?

Even on last week's Sunday Night Football game, announcer Bob Costas took an opportunity to get up on his politically-correct soapbox and chime in on the Redskins controversy by saying, "It's an insult, a slur, no matter how benign the present day intent." Remember when Costas lectured us on gun control during a game last year? I wish he would just stick to calling the game and leave the politics to the assholes in Washington.

And speaking of Washington, there is actually a bill in Congress to strip Dan Snyder's football team of it's trademark protection of the Redskins name. Snyder, however, has vowed that no matter how much pressure comes his way, he will not change the team's name.

There were also suggestions from a few commentators for a more "appropriate" name. For instance, columnist Charles Krauthammer suggested shortening the name to the Skins. Since most fans refer to the team by this term anyway, it seems like a logical choice. But perhaps the most interesting suggestion came from Fox News host, Bill O'Reilly. During a recent interview with David Letterman, O'Reilly said that he would like the team's name changed to the Washington Chaos. With everything the craziness that's going on in DC today, O'Reilly's idea sure seems fitting.

And no fabricated, racial-charged controversy would be complete without the race-hustling Grand Poohbah, Jesse Jackson chiming in. Super Jesse, through his twitter account said, "The name of the NFL's Washington Redskins must be changed."

Ok, for arguments sake, let's say that the Redskins do indeed changed their name. Do you think it's going to stop there? After all, there are several other high-profile sports teams with "Native American" names. A few that come to mind are the Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs, Florida State Seminoles, Golden State Warriors and Chicago Blackhawks. Are any of these team names any less offensive than the "R" word?

As I mentioned in my previous blog*, the majority of Native Americans (aka Indians) have no problem with the Redskins or any other name connected to the "indigenous" people of America. So, what's the big deal?

I'm a Ravens fan at heart. But I have to admit, after hearing all of this bullshit, I find myself saying, "Hail to the Redskins!"

kw

* http://www.kensmouthpiece.blogspot.com/2013/10/are-redskins-offensive.html

An EBT Shopping Spree

As if the government has hadn't enough recent "glitches", on Saturday there was another glitch in the Louisiana area in which EBT (Electronic Benefits Transfer) cards were showing no limits. Although the limit varies for different people, there is definitely a limit. But when it was discovered that the EBT system was "broken", word quickly spread around Louisiana towns like Springfield and Mansfield. And before long, people were flocking to Walmart.

When Walmart announced that it would honor EBT cards in spite of the glitch, EBT cardholders began to load up their shopping carts with "free" stuff. Shoppers impatiently lined up, eagerly waiting to "pay" for their goods before the system came back on line. Louisiana area Walmarts hadn't seen this much action since Hurricane Katrina. 

But then, to the EBT shoppers' dismay, the system came back online....

Almost immediately, all of the would-be shoplifters abandoned their overfilled carts and left them scattered all over the store. The place looked like a cyclone hit it. And Walmart employees spent the rest of the weekend restocking the shelves.

What the hell is wrong with people? Although these folks were already getting a government handout, apparently it still wasn't enough. By choosing to steal these items (and yes, it is stealing), they're essentially biting the hand that feeds them. I know there will be people ready to break my balls for picking on welfare recipients. But I'd like someone to try and explain to me how any part of the Louisiana EBT incident was right. The people that took part in these activities knew what they were doing was wrong, but they did it anyway. 

To me, this is the same as finding a credit card on the parking lot. You know the card isn't yours, but you decide to run into the Best Buy and load up on the latest electronics anyway. Sure, you might get to walk away with your new I-pad and 60-inch TV, but someone else will ultimately get stuck paying the bill. In the case of welfare fraud, it's usually the taxpayer who gets left with the bill. These types of people have no moral conscience and, in my opinion, they are nothing more than social parasites.

Just to be clear, I am NOT criticizing all welfare recipients. I know there are decent people out there who happen to be struggling  due to circumstances beyond their control. I have no problem at all helping people get back on their feet. With that being said, no one is ever going to convince me that there's not a hell of a lot of welfare fraud out there.

So, the the big questions now........What's going to happen to these people who knowingly overspent the limit on their EBT cards? Will they be forced to pay back the money? Will they be charged with welfare fraud? From what I understand, you have to use a PIN number to activate each card, So, it seems like it would be fairly easy to track everyone down. Of course, if the government cuts off next month's deposit, these same assholes will be complaining about how unfair and unreasonable it is.

Defend them if you want to, but these folks were nothing more than a bunch of thoughtless morons who saw an opportunity to steal. They can try to feed me all the bullshit they want about how "they just couldn't wait", "they had hungry kids waiting at home", blah, blah, blah...I'm not buying it! No one was going to starve because they had to wait an extra hour to purchase a pack of Hot Pockets. I get sick of this crap. Walmart should have refused to process any EBT purchases until the system was back online. If people had an issue with it, too f*cking bad. We all have to deal with inconveniences in life. The difference is that most of us don't react by shoplifting!

kw

The Initial Days of Obamacare

The other day, I attempted to log into the Maryland Health Connection website to explore the recently implemented Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare). However, in order to explore to site, you need to create a user ID which requires your social security number. Now, I had just finished watching a CBS news segment where they were reporting on the glitches of the new Healthcare websites. They also advised current users to change their passwords. When I heard this, I figured that offering up my SSN to a vulnerable website might not be such a good idea.

So, I researched several other safer web sources and this what I found out....

According to the latest US Census statistics, approximately 46 million Americans have no health insurance. The purpose of Obamacare is give these folks an opportunity to purchase affordable insurance. However, in the political arena, there's a fine line between the meaning of opportunity and demand. People no longer have a choice in whether they want insurance or not. The government is now forcing us to purchase insurance.

Of course, you might feel compelled to give Uncle Sam the middle finger and say, "You can't make me buy anything. That's unconstitutional!" In the old days, when the constitution actually meant something, you would have a valid point. However, in today's world of  "let's pass the bill to see what's in it", your argument doesn't apply. You see, the Affordable Care Act was sold to us on a lie that it was not a tax. And on this premise, it was reviewed by the Supreme Court, who ultimately ruled that it was indeed a tax. Otherwise, they would have had no choice but to rule it unconstitutional. But enough of the history lesson....

Let's get back to the nuts and bolts of the program.....

If you choose not to purchase health insurance, you will be forced to pay a fee (the current bullshit word for "tax"). How much tax? Well, it will start off at $95 per adult or 1% of your family income, whichever happens to be greater. You're probably thinking, "$95 a year isn't going to break the bank. Things could be worse." Exactly. Things will get worse. Starting in 2016, the tax will be $695 per adult or 2.5% of your family income, whichever happens to be greater. For instance, if you and the wife are making a combined income of $100,000 per year and choose not to buy health insurance, you'll be required to pay $2500 to the government.

All of this reminds me of a line from the Rush song "Freewill"......."If you choose to not decide, you still have made a choice." Although this is true, either "choice" is going to cost you.

So, why not just buy health insurance? After all, it's probably the responsible thing to do. For people who currently have health insurance through their employer, aside from higher premiums and deductibles, things will pretty much remain status quo. However, should you have to purchase insurance from the exchange, things might get a little tricky. The following graphic was pulled from a conservative North Carolina website. If this happens to be true, I have to wonder how anyone will be able to afford it. You'd probably be better off paying the tax or "fee" and then just paying for your healthcare needs out of pocket. In that situation, people can continue to do what they've been doing for years with the exception that now they'll have to kick over some money to Uncle Sam.




It would be unfair to say that Obamacare will be unaffordable to everyone. For instance, people who are now living below the poverty line, will likely get a government subsidy in the form of a tax credit to offset the costs of their healthcare plan. However, they may be impacted by longer wait times due to the influx of millions of newly insured.

And how will the ACA affect business? If a business has more than 50 employees. beginning in 2015, they must provide health insurance for those employees. If they choose not to, they will be required to pay a tax of $2000 per uninsured employee. With the cost of most health insurance plans, I would think that it would be a hell of lot cheaper for employers to just pay the fine.

Many high-profile people have weighed in with their opinions of Obama's signature act. Probably one of the most compelling opinions came from world renown neurosurgeon, Ben Carson. Yesterday, at the Voter's Value Summit in Washington, DC, Carson summed up the Affordable Care Act by saying, "Obamacare is really, I think, the worst thing that has happened to this nation since slavery. And in a way, it is slavery. It is making us subservient to the government. And it was never about healthcare. It was about control."

If the recent glitches with the health exchange websites are a sign of things to come, we could be in for a whole lot of trouble. But then again, what could possibly go wrong with a government run program.....

kw

The Party Flight from Panama City

A couple of weeks ago, Tina & I were flying home from Florida. Since we were flying via Southwest Airlines, I made sure to check in early enough to secure decent seats on the plane. When we finally board, Tina takes a window seat and I decide to strategically take the aisle seat. If I'm lucky, everyone will pass us in an attempt avoid the dreaded middle seat. But before I even get a chance to stretch my legs, a guy walks up, and with a southern drawl, asks, "Hey, y'all mind if I take that middle seat?"

Southern people always seem so nice to me, so I say, "I'll tell you what, I'll slide over and let you have the aisle seat."

He seemed grateful and thanked me. Trust me, most people would not voluntarily sit in the middle seat. But I figured with Tina sitting next to me, we could pull up the arm rest to make things a little more comfortable. Well, before I could even buckle my seat belt, the guy leans over and says, "Excuse me, are y'all together?"

I respond, "Yes. This is my wife."

Then, he comes back with something that made me cringe....."Can I ask y'all to do me a favor?"

Now, I had already done the guy a major solid by offering him my aisle seat. But, crazy enough, he wanted more. With his young son standing in the aisle behind him, he says, "Would y'all mind switchin' seats with my wife and son? He wants to sit with his Mom & Dad."

Now, normally, I would probably say, "You're f*cking kidding me, right?"

But the guy had me over a barrel. With his son hanging out in the aisle with a sad face, I really didn't have much of a choice. If I tell the guy no, I'll look like the anti-Christ. Plus, if the kid whines all the way to Baltimore, I'll have all of the other passengers blaming me. This guy committed a major "bro faux pas" but I was stuck. What could I do? So, I said, "Sure, we'll switch. Where's your wife?"

He points to the back of the plane and his wife emerges from the very back row. As Tina & I make the transition, the guy and his wife thank us. Yeah, yeah, whatever. But as we approach the last row of seats, there's a large women who resembles Sweet Pea (the infamous stripper from the recent Jacoby Jones incident) sprawled out over the window and middle seats. She's sound asleep as I can hear her sawing logs from a few rows back. This makes me immediately want to run towards the southern guy and punch him in the head. But quickly realizing that there's probably some stupid FAA rule that prohibits that type of thing, I take a deep breath and let it go.

Figuring I got us into this mess, I told Tina that I would sit next to Sweet Pea. As I sat down, one of the woman's oversize thighs was clearly intruding on my seat. It was like deja vu all over again*. I sat down and slowly pushed my hips against her fat leg. I managed to move her an inch or two, but she was pretty much dead weight. I prepared for the inevitable backache and neck cramps that would likely kick in before we hit cruising altitude.

But there was some good news.......

Although I felt like an idiot, we looked golden to the rest of the passengers and the crew. One of the flight attendants walked over and, it her own southern drawl, said, "That was very nice of you, folks. I will get you a complimentary drink shortly." (Did I mention that I really like southern people?)

And then, the guy sitting across from Tina in the aisle seat says, "Hardly anyone else would have given up their seats. You guys are really nice. Do you drink?"

Of course, I immediately say, "Does a TSA agent grope a 90-year-old? Hell yes, we drink!"

The guy, who introduced himself as Larry, signals for the flight attendant to bring a round of drinks for us. He tells us that the drinks are on him all the way to Baltimore. All of a sudden, even with Sweet Pea breathing down my neck, things were finally looking up!

I must mention that Larry appeared to be three sheets to the wind before the plane even took off. I knew that we would get along just fine....

We knocked back several rounds and swapped funny stories. I could tell that we were getting louder because people were turning around and laughing too. Before long, Larry is giving us a humorous show-and-tell via his cell phone photos. He covered everything from the shark he recently caught in the Gulf of Mexico to his girlfriend's tramp-stamp. Despite Sweet Pea leaning on me and practically cutting off the circulation in the left half of my body, I was comfortably numb enough from the beer to not care. We were having a euphoric blast. But then, it abruptly stopped.....

Larry asked the flight attendant for another round. But instead of complying, she shocked us with a beer drinkers worst nightmare..."Sorry, I'm going to have to cut you guys off."

We couldn't believe it. We were being cut off at 30,000 feet. This would be a personal first for me.

Using Tina and myself as leverage, Larry pleaded with the flight attendant, "Aw, come on. These guys gave up their seats. They gave up their seats for a kid. You have to admit, that was a pretty decent thing to do. Can't you just give us one more round?"

When that tactic didn't work, Larry resorted to flirting. Still holding the flight attendant's attention, he said, "You know, you are really cute. I'll bet you hear that all the time. Hey Ken, isn't Crew cute?" (She was wearing a nameplate that said "CREW", so Larry assumed it was her name)

Before long, we were descending into Baltimore. And wouldn't you know it, Sweet Pea finally decided to wake up. I don't know how she possibly slept through our loud joking and storytelling. It's quite possible that she was hibernating.

I have to tell you that most flights seem like they take forever. But this particular flight, for some reason, seemed like it only took about ten minutes. What could have turned out to be a miserable experience, turned into a party. At least for three of us......;-)

kw

* http://kensmouthpiece.blogspot.com/2013/05/big-man-in-middle.html