Big Man in the Middle

The only thing that's good about air travel is that allows you to get from point A to point B relatively quickly. Other than that, it pretty much sucks. Let me tell you about my latest adventure from the friendly skies....

First off, I've been flying via Southwest airlines on my past few trips. In case you don't know, Southwest doesn't have assigned seating. Basically, when you check in, you are given an A, B or C "number". Usually, it's A1-A60, B1-B60 and C1-C60. The "A" group boards first according to the assigned number. So, the A group can pretty much get their choice of a window or aisle seat. The "B" group will board the aircraft next and are also very likely to get a decent seat. However, the "C"  group almost always get stuck with  the dreaded middle seat.

As a tall guy, I usually pick an aisle seat because it gives me a little extra room to stretch my legs. So, on my latest departure, I happen to be in the "B" group. I grab the first available aisle seat. Shortly afterwards, the "C" group enters cabin. They become instantly unpopular as the seated passengers know that one of these folks will be squeezing their ass into the seat beside them. In my case, a thin guy in his mid-20's takes the middle seat to my left. Trust me, in the cramped quarters of a commercial plane cabin, if you have a neighbor, you want him to be skinny. Well, after the plane reaches cruising speed  the guy pulls out his brown-bag lunch which appears to be some type of lo-mein. Impressively, he starts wailing on the food with a pair of chopsticks. Then, he reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bottle of soy sauce. With all of the TSA restrictions, I'm really surprised that he was allowed to bring this stuff on the plane. But what I really found weird is the guy takes a swig of the soy sauce as if he was knocking back a bottle of beer. Who drinks soy sauce??

Anyway, aside from that, the departure flight was rather uneventful. But I can't say the same about my return flight.....

As the C group enters the plane on the return flight to Baltimore, I see this monster of a man coming down the aisle. He stood about five and a half feet, however, he must have weighed in the neighborhood of 400 pounds. As he squeezed his wide body down the aisle, you could almost feel the anxiety of the seated passengers. Although this guy was probably a nice person, his size was going to make a very uncomfortable ride for his two soon-to-be "neighbors". Well, just as the guy makes it to my row, the flight attendant announces, "Folks, this will be a full flight, so grab the first available middle seat you see. The sooner everyone gets seated, the sooner we will get to Baltimore."

Right on cue, the guy eyes up the seat next to me and asks, "Mind, if I take that middle seat?"

As panic hit me, I almost said, "Are you serious?" But instead, I stood up and said "No, go ahead."

Now, as the guy moves into position, he lifts up the arm rest that separates our seats. At first, I figured he was just lifting it temporarily until he plopped his ass in the seat. But the fact of the matter is that the armrest couldn't come down because the guy's XXXL body was in the way! To make things even worse, half of his ass was on my seat! Like I really needed a confirmation, the guy turns to me and says, "It's going to be a little tight." I imagined that this was something an inmate might hear on his first day at the City Jail.

My right leg, which was now being crushed against the other armrest, was beginning to go numb. And we hadn't even took off yet! I'm in a real bind, because I really don't want to hurt the guys feelings. Hey, I'm sure he knows he's got a weight problem. But did he really have to sit next to me?

Because his large upper body was also partly on my backrest, I was forced to lean my torso halfway out into the aisle. After the plane ascended and the captain turned off the seatbelt sign, people began their predictable bathroom run. As each person passed me, they inevitably crashed into my right shoulder. I reluctantly accepted the fact that I was going to be in the mosh pit for the next three hours. I figured by the time we landed, I was going to need a shoulder and neck replacement.

As if things couldn't get any worse, the big guy began to sweat. With his body pushed against mine, this wasn't going to be good. You see, although I wouldn't call myself a germophobe, I am a bit of a clean freak. I have been known to take two or three showers a day. If I sweat, I usually wind up lathering on the Irish Spring a short time later. Call me strange, but nonetheless, to have this guy sweating on me was absolute torture! The perspiration was beginning to make itself known through his gray sweatpants. If I could have got my hands on a parachute, I think I would have jumped out! I desperately wished that I could somehow transform Big Hoss into the skinny guy with the chop sticks and soy sauce!

And because of the way I was pinned in, my arms and shoulders were contorted in a very unnatural way. I felt like a piece of veal. About this time, the flight attendant stops by and says, "Would you like a snack, sir?"

Instinctively, I almost blurted out, "You've got to be kidding me! Do you really think I can eat a bag of pretzels when my arms are pinned together like a praying f*cking mantis?"

A short time later, I attempted to put my tray table down. But the guy's right leg, which was clearly invading my space, was so thick that the tray table wouldn't come down all the way. Can you believe this bullshit?

So, here it is, three days later and my back, neck and shoulders still ache.

The really ironic part is that I paid the $12.50 Early Bird check-in fee to avoid this. Here's the thing, I have no personal beef with overweight people. Hell, I'm overweight myself! But if your ass is so big that it takes two seats to accommodate it, you need to buy an extra ticket! I know some of the airlines got into a bit of trouble for trying to implement this in the past. People called the airlines insensitive for even suggesting such a thing. Well, let me tell those people something. Try flying three and a half hours with a sumo wrestler sitting on your lap. And then tell me who's being insensitive!

kw