1. Squirrels - If you're going to go, then GO! Why do you run halfway into the street then break into a Michael Jackson routine?? If you want to know why the squirrel crossed the road, he didn't. He got squashed halfway through his moonwalk!
2. Women who ask men - "Do these pants make my ass look fat?" - Come on, Ladies. If you gotta ask, you probably already know the answer. Why drag us into it??
3. Grocery store employees - Don't ask if there's anything you can help me with, then look at me funny when I say, "Yeah, where can I find the barbarque pork rinds?"
4. Camel Crickets - Indigenous to Glen Burnie, these things are not only ugly, but they're extremely aggressive. It's not uncommon to see one of them waiting patiently on the ceiling like a ninja ready to pounce on you. Your only defense is an open flame and a can of hair spray. (Be careful around the curtains)
5. Dreadlocks - Unless you can do a kick-ass version of "No Woman, No Cry", it's time to wash your hair.
6. Smart Cars - They actually look kind of stupid to me......
7. Plumbing Projects - No matter how much duct tape I use, there will always be a leak.
8. Bees - I tested that old wives tale about "if you don't bother them, they won't bother you". The result? An excruciating painful burning sensation that throbbed for several hours.
9. Electronics - Ten minutes after I buy the latest and greatest gadget, they come out with a new and improved version.
10. Old Wannabe Rock Stars - The Iggy Pop look just doesn't fly when you're working at the local Radio Shack. The time to lose the ear rings, torn jeans and fish head tennis shoes is long overdue.
11. Humidity. If it weren't for cigars, humidity would have no use at all.
12. DJ's who say "This one goes out by request." - As if that somehow makes the song better.
13. People who drive 20 mph under the posted speed limit - My blood pressure always goes through the roof when I get behind one of these drivers. I'm really concerned that one day my head will explode.
14. Check out lines -When a new line opens, why is it that the last person in the old line always gets to be the first person in the new line? I always feel the urge to trip them as they pass me.
15. Crooked baseball caps - Are you a dumbass? Or are you just trying to look like one?
16. Pot holes - When people turn up missing in Baltimore, the city's pot holes would be a great place to start the search. (I once saw a low-riding Cadillac Eldorado with spinner rims get swallowed up near the Lexington Market.)
17. Cigarette smoke - Yeah, I smoke an occasional cigar, but it's different.
18. Hard boiled eggs. I don't particularly like the taste of them, plus they smell like ass.
19. The emergency room - You can always count on kids running rampant and at least one redneck sleeping across three or four seats. And, of course, you have to listen to bitching and moaning from almost everyone else.
20. Loudmouths with cell phones - I can't stand when my own conversation is drowned out by some moron on a cell phone at the next table. I'm not the least bit interested in hearing about your favorite American Idol contestant or what you've got planned for the weekend.
21. Pseudo handicapped people - I'm talking about the ones who will pull into a handicapped spot (with handicapped tags), then sprint to the front door like Carl Lewis.
22. The Baltimore Orioles - Remember when they used to win?? Contrary to popular belief, the movie Eight Men Out was not based on the Oriole's starting line-up.
23. Commercials - Years ago, wasn't cable television offered (for a fee) so we wouldn't have to sit through commercials? What happened? Thank God for DVR's!
24, Leaves - Why can't they just be happy and stay in the tree??
25. The door lady at the local BJ's - You know the one...(Hello, how are you, thank you, bye-bye, how ya doin', have a good one, ok, bye-bye now). The other day she had the line backed up halfway through the store!
KW
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