The Modern Middle Class

There seems to be a lot of talk of the middle-class today. The "war on the middle-class" is often brought up in heated political exchanges between Democrats and Republicans. No doubt, it's a demographic that's definitely getting a lot of attention.

In recent polls by CBS and USA Today, 90% of Americans identify themselves as part of the middle class. That number, in all probability, is way off.......

So, what exactly classifies as the middle class these days? It wasn't so long ago that a household income of $50,000 would bookmark your place in middle class America. But through recent years, that number has went up, especially in places along the east coast. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, the median income of the middle income household in America now stands at roughly $68,000 with the number ballooning up to $85,000 on the east coast. In most cases, both adults contribute to the income pool.

(To put things in perspective, if you earn more than $5000 in China, you're considered part of their middle class. And in a country of roughly 1.3 billion people, only an estimated 500,000 make over $64,000.)

When it comes to home ownership in America, at least according to a recent US News article, the average middle class home is worth $231,000. I expected the number to be slightly higher, but the overall decline in the housing market in recent years likely had a pronounced effect on this value. The average size of a middle class home is 2300 square feet.

A top priority for middle-class parent is making sure their kids go to college. A college degree certainly improves the kid's chance of joining the middle class (or better) in their adult years. A person with only a high school diploma is estimated to make $1.3 million over his/her lifetime. However, those with a bachelor's degree can expect to earn roughly double that. And those with doctorate degrees will likely make over $3 million during their lifetime. Something that I found interesting......an average middle class family sets aside $4100 for their kid's college expenses. At the same time, they take one to two vacations a year at roughly $3000 a pop.

And where do the bulk of the middle class people shop? Well, it probably won't come as a surprise, you'll  be more likely to spot a middle class family in Target or Sears rather than K-Mart or Walmart. The average Target shopper has a household income of about $61,000 with Walmart shoppers bringing in roughly $10,000 less.

Politically, I actually expected to see the middle class weighted heavily on the Republican side. However, in a recent Pew survey, only 25% of the middle class align themselves with the GOP. Democrats come in with 34%. And interesting enough, the largest group (Independent) came in at 35%.

There was a time when the middle class was thought of as mainly white-collar workers. That has shifted a bit as a "secure" job is now more important than wearing a white collar when it comes hanging with the middle class folks. Case in point, according to another article I read, only 66% of American males were employed as recently as 2010. If jobs continue to disappear, can the middle class be that far behind?

There seems to be a general feeling that the middle class hurts the most in a struggling economy. Many people believe that the rich will always be financially self-sufficient while the lower class will always have an advocate in the form of the Uncle Sam. I'm sure there's at least some truth to both sides, but from a first hand experience, it sure seems like the middle class doesn't get some of the breaks of the other two groups.

In recent years, the middle class has seen their cost-of-living expenses rise dramatically (gas, food, healthcare, etc.) while only receiving modest (if any at all) income increases. As a result, many families essentially take a indirect pay cut every year. The numbers will inevitably continue to shift up and down causing the middle class to make necessary adjustments.

As a kid, I can remember making $10 or $20 shoveling snow or mowing neighborhood lawns. At least for a day or so, I felt like a king. I had more than enough money to pay for my life's essentials: Yoo-Hoo's, Tasty-Kakes and baseball cards. Things have sure gotten a lot more complicated over the years.......

kw

Lost In America

In modern day America, there seems to be a convenient excuse for just about everything. If you're not where you want to be in life, it's easy to simply blame society for not giving you a fair shot. We've seemed to reach a point where most people want everything handed to them. But the fact of the matter is that most people are not born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Therefore, the only way for most of us to succeed is through hard work, dedication and at least some degree of sacrifice. Making excuses is easy. Finding a solution takes effort.

We're living in a world of the scapegoat. If Ted shoots someone, we can't possibly hold Ted responsible  It's much easier to blame the brainless gun. If a child fails a test at school, it couldn't possibly be because the child didn't study. It would be cruel and inhumane to ever suggest such a thing.We need to blame the teacher, textbook, President Bush, etc.

We're often told that failure is not an option. This is simply not true. Failure is always an option. The alternative is success. But it often requires much more work. Unfortunately, for many people, work has become one of those derogatory four-letter words. Ok, so maybe you did put for the effort and still failed. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that. As long as you've learned from the experience, you'll be better prepared next time. It's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get back up.

We have all heard of the youth sporting events where they no longer keep score. Keeping score would mean that a "winner" would eventually be determined. We can't have that because the losing team might have their feelings hurt. So, we just give each kid a trophy and pretend that everyone is a winner. It sure sounds nice but in reality, we're doing our children a huge disservice.

And something that really amazes me is that we are living in a time where information and knowledge are literally at our fingertips. We should be smarter than ever. But ironically, our overall society seems to be regressing in the knowledge department. Are the kids being born with less mental capacity than they were fifty years ago? I don't think so. But they're certainly more lazy. A-ha......

Also, our priorities seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way. We have been conditioned to worship the superstar quarterback while ignoring the guy who makes breakthroughs in cancer research. The millionaire who shoots a twenty-foot jump shot at Madison Square Garden is considered more of a hero than the Army private who defends our freedom halfway across the world.

Like other once dominant societies, America appears to be destroying itself from within. We can no longer have open discussions on hot-button topics for fear of being labeled a racist or a bigot. How can we expect to come together as a nation if we can't even have an honest discussion with one another? It used to be "us against the world" but nowadays it's more like "us against each other". Of course, we're not going to agree on everything, but we should at least be able to find a compromise that's mutually acceptable.

Politicians, on both sides of the aisle, are a huge part of the problem. They continuously fan the flames of political dissension  By keeping us at each other's throat, they secure their own positions of power and greed. The more I follow politics, the more that I believe that we are nothing but pawns in the never-ending pissing contests between are so-called leaders. Although many politicians are smart, they really don't care about the people whom they represent. And there lies the problem. I have often wondered if after a fiery debate on Capital Hill, our Congressmen all head over the local watering hole and knock back shots while laughing at all of us.

I used to listen to a lot of the political talk shows. But I have moved away from it for fear of my head exploding. I have recently revisited my CD collection to give my mind a much need vacation. from all of the bullshit. Maybe I won't learn as much, but now that I think about it, perhaps that's not such a bad thing......

kw

Baltimore - City of Angry Drivers

Having driven in different parts of the county, I'm pretty well convinced that drivers in the Baltimore area have the worst attitudes. It's like someone took a giant piss on the cornflakes on the average daily commuter around the area.

Case in point.....

This morning I'm driving on route 10 in Glen Burnie. I'm cruising in the fast lane minding my own business. I'm really grooving to the Rolling Stone's "Miss You", feeling every bass note thump through my car's stereo. Then, all of a sudden, I'm forced to swerve onto the left shoulder because the driver in the next lane decides he's coming over. Well, he finally realizes that there's not enough room for the two of us and swerves back into his own lane. Then, you gotta love this, he gives me the finger! Can you believe this? He practically runs me into a ditch and he's the one who's pissed. Since we were doing 60 mph, kicking his ass wasn't a valid option, So, I took a deep breath and tuned back into Mick Jagger, who brightened my mood by telling me about some Puerto Rican girls who were just dying to meet me.

Last week, I'm driving towards Columbia. The traffic was absolutely horrendous due to unfavorable weather conditions. There were accidents everywhere and the ride to my local office, which is normally about twenty minutes, took an hour and a half. I can understand people being a bit grumpy, but hey, I'm stuck in this mess too. Well, at one point, I needed to switch lanes on route 175. So, I put on my blinker and slid between two cars in the adjacent lane. The car behind me was at least five car lengths behind me and we were only doing about 15 mph, so it wasn't like I cut him off. But the driver starts going absolutely ape-shit. He's screaming and pointing at me like I'm the anti-Christ. And I could see his face was as red as a baboon's ass. I couldn't figure this guy out. Was he really that pissed because I was going to make it to the next bottleneck before him? As the cars slowed to a halt, the lunatic rolled down his window and spewed profanities like he was recording a gangsta-rap album. Now, through the years, I've found that if you stay calm in these situations, it pisses these morons off even more. So, I let him go on for a little while longer and then, because it happened to be February 14, I rolled down my own window and yelled, "Happy Valentine's Day!" The screaming abruptly stopped as the confusion took over. As I pulled away, I noticed that he now had a "WTF" expression on his face. Somehow, I felt victorious.....

A few years ago, while waiting for a red light, the car behind me began to drift dangerously close to my back bumper. In an effort to alert the driver, a woman who seemed to be obliviously texting, I tooted my horn. This caused the woman to hit the brakes as she instantly saw that she was a few inches from my back bumper. I figured I did her a favor. Being the nice guy that I am, I even gave her a friendly wave. Well, all of a sudden the woman turns into Linda Blair from The Exorcist. She starts dropping f-bombs and calling me an asshole and other unflattering parts of the male anatomy. The kicker is that she had two small children in the car with her. 

Is there something in the Maryland air that makes the drivers so cranky? Or am I the only one who crosses paths with these morons??

kw

Evolution of the Controversial Song Lyric

There was a time when song lyrics were expected to as squeaky clean as Andy of Mayberry. But as rock and roll gained more popularity, the lyrics began to get increasingly more controversial. In 1985, this ultimately resulted in "Parental Advisory" labels being attached to any record with risque lyrics. Nowadays, it's hard to find a pop album without the warning label. For those keeping score, one of the very first records with the PA label was Prince's Purple Rain. The Grammy-award winning album is considered one of the top 100 records of all time.

Way back when, many new recording artists were introduced to America via The Ed Sullivan Show. Almost everyone has at least seen footage of the Beatles first appearance on the show. An estimated 73 million viewers tuned into to see what was considered the beginning of the British invasion. However, several other artists had a bit of controversy, specifically centered around their song lyrics.

For example, all-American rock legend Buddy Holly was scheduled to sing his hit single, "Oh, Boy!". Seems innocent enough by today's standards. But back then, the lyrics were deemed too raucous by Sullivan, so he asked Holly to use another another song.

Along the same lines, The Doors were asked to change the lyrics in their song "Light My Fire". Instead of the  line "Girl, we couldn't get much higher" (which was viewed a reference to drug use), the band was asked to use "Girl, we couldn't get much better". Although The Doors initially agreed, lead singer Jim Morrison sang the original lyrics on live TV. This angered Ed Sullivan enough to never invite The Doors back on his show.

The Rolling Stones were also asked to change the lyrics to "Let's Spend The Night Together". During their performance, Mick Jagger obliged by singing "Let's Spend Some Time Together". However, to show his reluctance, Jagger noticeably rolled his eyes every time he sang the chorus.

With the emergence of rap music, particularly of the "gangsta" category, and anti-establishment rock bands,  lyrics continued to get more and more flagrant. It's not uncommon to hear a seemingly innocent ballad laced with emphatic F-bombs. One of my all-time favorite albums, "Appetite For Destruction" by Guns & Roses was probably the first CD I purchased with blatant profanity. As crazy as it sounds, with as much raw attitude as the record has, it's hard to imagine it without the occasional F-bombs. 

Although almost all profanity is edited or "beeped" out during radio play, every now and then, a song seems to get a pass. The one that immediately comes to mind is The Who's "Who Are You". Several times during the song, Roger Daultry can clearly be heard singing "Who the f*ck are you?" Amazingly, this lyric always gets played on the air.

And even though the words themselves are not considered profane, the Rolling Stones get away with the suggestive lyric "You make a dead man come" in their song "Start Me Up". Hmmm, I wonder what they mean by this.....

And there are always the bands who push the envelope to the limit. For instance, the gansta rap group NWA released a song called "F*ck Tha Police". Although their name is controversial in itself (the WA stands for "with attitude", take a wild guess what the "N" stands for), they received heavy criticism for the song which centered around police brutality and racial profiling. It also called out black police officers for "abandoning their race". Police around the country obviously weren't big fans of the band, In fact, police refused to provide security for the band while it was touring. Singing about "bitches and ho's" is one thing, but pissing off the police is never a good idea.

Rapper Ice-T, with his band Body Count, similarly found himself in hot water when he released "Cop Killer", a song about a guy who goes around shooting "dirty cops".

More recently, a bonehead who calls himself Soulja Boy released a song called "Let's Be Real" in which he says "f*ck the FBI and f*ck all the Army troops". I wonder if this idiot has any idea why album sales are down...

Is the abundance of profanity in today's popular music just another form of expressionism? Or is it merely an attempt to for bands to draw attention to themselves? Are f-bombs now as essential as the E-chord in today's music? One thing's for sure, we've definitely taken a detour from Mayberry.....

kw

A Visit to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Being a rock fan for as long as I can remember, I looked forward to opening of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame back in the 80's. I got a chance to visit the Cleveland museum a few years ago and overall, I really enjoyed it. If you've ever been to any Hard Rock Cafe and seen all of the rock memorabilia hanging on the walls, the RRHOF is like a huge collection of this type of thing. However, unlike the Hard Rock, where you have to hoover over tourists dining on over-priced cheeseburgers, the RRHOF allows you to get up close and personal.

Although I really loved looking over all of the memorabilia  I found some of the displays a bit odd. For instance, there were displays involving non-traditional "rockers" like LL Cool J and Britney Spears. I don't have any personal gripe with any of these performers, but I certainly don't consider them "rock and roll". Of course, people might argue that inductees like Jackie Wilson and Marvin Gaye aren't traditional "rock and rollers" either. However, I believe that the early blues and Motown artists had a major influence on the progression of modern rock. So, in my opinion, they deserve a place in the Hall.

As I made my way through the various sections of the museum, I couldn't help but notice some of the bands who were not members of the "prestigious" hall. Hugely successful and perhaps more importantly legitimate rock bands like The Doobie Brothers, Rush, Steppenwolf, Heart, The Moody Blues and Stevie Ray Vaughn were amazingly not members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

But probably the biggest shock to me was that not only was Kiss not a member but there wasn't so much as one piece of Kiss memorabilia on display. How can one of the most successful, dynamic rock bands of all time not be included in the mecca of Rock and Roll? We asked one of the RRHOF employees about it. She explained that all of the artifacts in the museum were either donated or on loan from the artist. According to her, Gene Simmons refused to give anything away for free. If the RRHOF paid for any Kiss items, they would likely be expected to do it for other artists as well. Being a huge fan of Kiss through the years, I was really disappointed to hear this story.......

Although Kiss and many other worthy bands were not members of the HHROF, these "bonafide" rockers were:

• Madonna
• The Bee Gees
• Joni Mitchell
• Earth, Wind & Fire
• ABBA
• Run-D.M.C.
• Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five

Like I mentioned before, I don't have a personal beef with any of these folks, I believe that music is in "the ears of the beholder". However, I have a hard time trying to see these performers as part of the rock and roll crowd. If the requirements are this loose, can we expect to see Luciano Pavarotti, Rascal Flatts and Bob Marley inducted into the hall before long? Actually, Bob Marley was inducted back in 1994. Hey, I love his music and reggae in general. But it's not rock and roll, it's freggin' reggae!

This year, I'm glad to see that Rush will finally be going into the Hall. The have released over twenty albums and have been one of rock's most successful touring bands ever. They have been together for over forty years. It's mind-boggling to me that it's taken this long for them to get recognized. 

Also, Heart will be going in this year. Another great rock band that's been together since the mid-70's and who has given us iconic songs like Barracuda, Magic Man and Alone. I caught them at Pier Six in Baltimore a couple of years ago and they are still as awesome as ever. And yes, Ann Wilson can still sing her ass off!

In keeping with tradition, the Rock and Roll Hall Fame has also decided to include Donna Summer and Public Enemy in this year's group of inductees. Donna Summer, who I admit was quite talented, was known as the Queen of Disco. I can remember when disco was the antithesis of rock and rock. And now Disco Royalty is going into the Rock Hall of Fame? And Public Enemy? Yeah, when you think of rock's greatest songwriting teams such as Page/Plant, Jagger/Richards and Lennon/McCartney, it natural for Chuck D/Flavor Flav to come immediately to mind.

As crazy as it might sound and staying true the RRHOF logic, I would actually recommend that you to visit the museum if you happen to be in the Cleveland area. Although I don't understand some of their decision making, it really is an interesting place for a "popular music" fan to spend the day. 

kw

Checking Out The Grammys

I don't usually watch any of those awards shows. They're usually nothing more than a bunch of pretentious people gathering together to kiss each other's ass for three hours. Well, for some reason, perhaps out of sheer boredom, I found myself tuning into the Grammy Awards last night.

Although familiar faces like Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift were on hand, there were a lot of bands and performers to which I was totally unfamiliar. For instance, I had never heard of Mumford and Sons, Gotye, Fun. (I'm not sure why they have a period after their name), The Black Keys and The Lumineers. I have to admit, I really liked the performance by The Black Keys. In fact, I picked up their latest CD earlier today. Tina really dug the performance by Bruno Mars, so I picked up his latest CD for her. 

Jack White had a pretty interesting performance as well. I can't quite figure this guy out. At times, his shrilly vocals and screechy guitar sound like fingernails on a chalkboard. But somehow, he creates an electricity on stage that always captures the audience's full attention.

There was a guy named Frank Ocean who seemed to be nominated in almost every category. I figured the guy must be pretty good. When it was his turn to shine, he performed a bizarre song about Forrest Gump. I thought it was about exciting as watching paint dry. His vocals also seemed to be a bit out of key at times. Personally, I thought the song and performance sucked. I honestly thought half the audience would be asleep by the end of the song.

My friends all break my balls about this, but I'm a huge fan of Kelly Clarkson. I was really happy to see her win a Grammy for Best Pop Vocal Album. Say what you will, but the girl can flat out sing. I tend to draw a bit of ire from the guys when I sandwich one of her songs in between Judas Priest and Led Zeppelin.

The camera kept catching Taylor Swift as she sang to everyone's song. Maybe she was sincere, but it just seemed a bit over the top to me. There's a fine line between cute and obnoxious.

And what's up with Chris Brown. I'm not sure what his "talent" is, but nonetheless he was certainly in attendance last night. Can someone explain to me how a guy who beats up on women even gets invited to an event like this? Not to mention getting nominated for a freggin' award! Don't give him an award, give him an ass-whoopin'!

Adele won the Grammy for Best Pop Solo Performance. No doubt, the woman can sing, but her winning song ("Set Fire To The Rain") was a live version from her Grammy award winning album of last year. I don't think she should have been nominated this year for last year's music. Give someone else a chance.

Gotye won for Best Duo/Group Pop Performance for "Someone That I used To Know". I had heard this song several times before, but I actually thought that Sting sung it. Interesting...

And Carrie Underwood won for Best Country Solo Performance with "Blown Away". I actually like Carrie. She can sing her ass off and she's very easy on the eyes. But I don't know what it is about this particular song, it just annoys the hell out of me. I don't know, maybe I'm just bitter that Miranda Lambert didn't win...

kw

The Ravens - Ch-Ch-Changes

Ok, the football season is officially over and I'm ready to move on. But I just wanted to talk about a few final things before we turn out the lights.

One again, congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens for a superb season. Although many people didn't give them due credit, they proved all the nay-sayers wrong. The are the team to beat next season. Or are they.....

It will be interesting to see how they'll do next year considering all of the players who are now free agents. Obviously Ray Lewis won't be back. His absence will be felt on and off the field. Having Lewis around was like having a defensive coordinator in the huddle. Someone is going to have to step up next year.

But what about key players like Ed Reed, Paul Kruger, Dannell Ellerbe, Bryant McKinnie and Cary Williams. These guys are are now unrestricted free agents.There's possibility that none of these guys will be in a purple uniform next season. Keep in mind that both Tight Ends (Ed Dickson and Dennis Pitta) are restricted free agents.

The imminent re-signing of Joe Flacco is going to take a big chunk of the Raven's salary cap. I think it's safe to say that this will be enough to guarantee the departure of some of the free agents. Ed Reed, as much as I'd love to see him end his career as a Raven, it ain't gonna happen. I would be shocked if he gets the money that he wants in Baltimore. However, I do expect another team (possibly the Patriots) to scoop him up. Ed Reed has been one of the Raven's all-time greats and, except for his singing,  he will certainly be missed. (Sorry, Ed.  But after hearing your rendition of "Two Tickets To Paradise", I now know how a defenseless receiver must feel after you bury a shoulder into his chest.)

So, who should the Ravens concentrate on re-signing? Personally, I think you've got to look hard at Ellerbe, who will be the most likely to fill Ray Lewis's shoes. I really like Paul Kruger too, but I don't know if it's possible to pay them both big bucks. Out of the two, I think Ellerbe makes the most sense.

And I think you've got to make every effort to bring Cary Williams back. He's shown that he can step up in big situations. The defense is going to really need an experienced cover guy. If they don't sign Williams, the Ravens will likely have to make an off-season move to acquire another experienced cornerback. It probably makes more sense to just bring Williams back.

As for the tight ends, I think Pitta's got to be your go-to guy. His soft hands and overall toughness reminds me a a lot of Todd Heap. He has proven that he can go across the middle, take a big hit and still take care of the football.. His name doesn't get mentioned nearly as much as some of the other star players, but Pitta was key in the Raven's Super Bowl journey this year. Give the guy what he wants and get him signed!

Now, here's one that I don't quite understand. I hear that there's a possibility that WR Anquan Bolden won't be re-signed for the upcoming season. But when I look at Baltimore's contract details, it shows Bolden as being signed for $6 million for the 2013 season. In any event, this guy has got to be on the team. Along with Torrey Smith, he completed the circuit for Joe Flacco this season. No doubt, Flacco made some pinpoint passes, but there aren't that many receivers who have the talent to catch them. Bolden does! Make sure he's here next year.

Now, as for Torrey Smith, he will indeed be here next year. He is scheduled to make approximately $683,000 for the 2013 season. Alot of money to most people, but relative chump-change for a premiere NFL receiver. The good news is that since they've got Smith at a bargain basement price for the next two years, the Ravens should have a few extra bucks to spend elsewhere..

And keep in mind that Ray Lewis was signed through the 2015 season at a total cost of around $18 million. Now, I'm not sure what happens to that money since he retired. But nonetheless it should at least free up a little money for another player or two.

I don't know how any of this will pan out. In a perfect football world, we would be able to bring back all of the players from this year's Super Bowl team. But realistically, we all know that it's financially impossible. The Raven's front office has shown that they are one of, if not the best, in dealing with these situations. So, I expect them to find the missing pieces of the puzzle by the start of next season.

kw

One Day at the Shoe Store

So, I'm in the shoe store earlier today. To be exact, it was a place called The Shoe Dept. I figured I could use another pair of casual dress shoes (aside from the 15 pair that I already have), so I ventured out of Sears and into the adjacent store.

I walk down the aisle where the men's shoes are shelved. I see a pair of nice Rockports that interest me. So, I sit down and start the routine of trying them on. Well, before I even got the first shoe on, something comes flying over from one of the other aisles. WTF? It turns out to be a kid's tennis shoe. Shortly after it hits the wall next to me, I hear a woman yell, "Knock that shit off! I ain't tellin' your ass no more!"

Then, I hear what sounds like a young girl begin to whine. This sets the mother off even more as she screams, "Zip it, now! And sit the hell down!" Of course, she's yelling at the top of her lungs like she's testing out the echo at the Grand Canyon. I don't know why people do this, it's so ghetto.

Well, eventually I hear the woman grunting and groaning while interjecting an occasional "Oh, my Gawd! . I tempted to peek around the corner to see what's going on. After a few minutes, she says, "Damn girl, I'm all outta breath now. I'm not used to bending over like that and putting on shoes! Whooooo!" Have you ever heard of anyone exhausting themselves trying to put on a pair of shoes??

About this time, the kid starts to act up again. The woman, who by now seems to be laboring to breathe, yells,"All right, Aereola, I told you to knock it off! (breathing heavily) Now, get your shit together and let's go!" I started to laugh as I realized that this woman named her daughter after a nipple. No wonder the kid is throwing shoes at people.

So, I decide not to buy any shoes and start to walk towards the exit. But, of course, I have sneak a look at the mystery woman. As I glance down the aisle, I see a very large woman who is sporting the most disturbing case of muffin-top that I've ever seen. Her sides of flesh are spilling over the top of her stretch-pants like the fondue pot at the Golden Corral. She's sitting on one of those small stools that you often see in shoe stores. She straddles the stool which gives the illusion that it's being eaten alive by her husky ass cheeks. I feel that if I stare at this for too long, I might turn into salt (or something worse)...

I catch a glimpse of the kid, a young girl, who appears to be about 6-years-old. She didn't seem to be phased at all by neither her mother's verbal reprimand nor the assault on the poor stool. She continues to open up box after box, tossing random shoes to the ground like discarded peanut shells at the Texas Roadhouse. The strewn shoes made the floor look like the outside of the Ball-Crawl at Chuck E. Cheese. The kid really needed to have her ass busted. But the mother was having her own issues trying to maintain her balance on the stool.

The whole scene reminded me of something that you might see in an episode of Married With Children. I could see this dynamic duo crossing paths with America's most infamous shoe-salesman, Al Bundy. He surely wouldn't have tolerated any of this nonsense!

kw

The Fastest Mail Lady in Town

Most mail carriers quietly make their daily rounds as they deposit the bundles of junk mail into your mail box.  But things are a little different in my neighborhood. You see, our mail carrier makes her deliveries with reckless abandon. Please allow me to paint the mental picture.......

I can always tell when she's within a five mile radius. I can hear her gunning the engine of the large mail truck from house to house. It kind of sounds like an M1 Abrams tank racing through a battlefield. Because of this, we've affectionately nicknamed our mail carrier "Speed Racer".

Her her daily routine consists of speeding up to the mailbox at approximately 75 mph. Then she'll slam on the brakes and skid into position in front of the box, taking out any flowers or small animals in her path. Once her vehicle comes to rest, she'll recklessly throw in a bundle of worthless junk mail. The smell of burnt rubber permeates the air as she slams the door on the mailbox. Then, she guns the engine again and continues the same routine throughout the entire neighborhood.

My house is located on a cul-de-sac at the end of the road. She drives so fast that's it's only a matter of time before she takes the turn too fast and the mail truck winds up on my front lawn like a beached whale.

Sometimes, when she has a large package to deliver, she'll race down the long driveway.  One of these days, I can see her crashing through one of my neighbor's garage doors. And when she drops off the package, she throws the truck into reverse at breakneck speed and hits the street like Mario Andretti. It's amazing that she can control the large vehicle at that speed.

Our speedy mail lady has also gotten an earful for spinning her wheels on the manicured lawns in my neighborhood. One of my neighbors owns a local nursery. It pains me to see her John Deere mail-truck churn up pieces of his beautiful turf. I think people do get a little upset about it, but what are you going to do? Do you really want to piss off a postal worker? That kind of thing doesn't always work out too well.....

But on one occasion, she was racing through the neighborhood and was stopped and reprimanded by one of my neighbors, who ironically, just happens to be a mail carrier himself. Although the exchange was rather heated, no one was injured during the confrontation. It could have been really ugly if you know what I mean....

Last year, Tina was coming home from work and wound up behind Speed. Now, it's not uncommon to see families of deer running through the neighborhood. But because most responsible people obey the 25 mph speed limit, they have plenty of time to avoid hitting any of the deer. Well, with the way our mail lady drives, not even a pack of cheetahs would have a chance. As you've probably guessed, she winds up hitting one of the deer. And the worst part is that it didn't even faze her. From what I heard, I doubt if she even knew she hit anything. She just kept on trucking! You would have thought she might have slowed down to see what exactly it was that she hit. After all, there are kids in the neighborhood.

Tina did call the post office about the incident. Their basic response was, "Well, what do you want us to do about it?" I know postal workers can be a disgruntled bunch, but I was actually a bit surprised by their unconcerned attitude in this case. They explained that their carriers have a certain amount of time to get the mail out. I guess public safety takes a back seat to getting the Pennysaver out on time?

There are speed bumps on the main road in my community but Speed Racer seems to oblivious to them. Taking them on a full force, I can envision the letters and packages spilling all over the inside of the truck. This might explain why she often comes racing back up the street to retrieve my neighbor's mail out of my mailbox.

Hey, maybe the post office can get this woman off of the street by promoting her. After all, from what several postal employees have told me, the unofficial motto of the post office is: "You screw up, you move up!"  So, maybe they can bump Speed Racer up into management and put her in a position where she can't steamroll anyone. Hell, with the way this woman guns the engine of that gigantic mail truck, the USPS will save at least a half a million in gas a year!

But for now, I guess they'll just cut out the Saturday delivery.......

kw

Baltimore Ravens - Takin' Care of Business

Super Bowl Sunday is a day of mixed emotions for me. On one hand, it's a chance to watch the biggest game of the year with all of my football friends. The Super Bowl parties are always a blast. But on the the other hand, I know that I'll be going through football withdrawal by next Sunday. Seven months is a long time to wait for the next NFL kick-off.

Of course, this off-season will be a lot less depressing thanks to the Ravens taking care of business in last night's big game. Baltimore fans can walk proudly as their team made an amazing run through the play-offs and into the Super Bowl. We heard that the Ravens would get picked apart by Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos. They didn't. Then we heard that Baltimore didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of beating Tom Brady in his house in Foxboro. Umm, sorry experts, wrong again. And then, going for the hat trick...... after beating two Hall of Fame quarterbacks in their home stadiums, the "experts" once again favored the 49er's and their rookie quarterback to beat the Ravens on a neutral field! 

Fellas, please see me after class. You obviously haven't learned anything about this team.....

Now, I figured that the Ravens would beat the 49er's last night. But I didn't see things unfolding quite the way they did. Early on, Joe Flacco seemed to be clicking on all cylinders. His passing was on target, he was scrambling well to avoid sacks and he was making smart decisions to throw the ball away when there was nothing there. In a nut shell, Joe was playing like a Super Bowl quarterback.

I felt pretty good when the Ravens went into halftime with a 21-6 lead. The defense was playing really well and I figured a 14-point would be tough for the 49er's to overcome. Then, when Jacoby Jones ran back the second-half kickoff for 108 yards, there was no doubt in my mind that Ravens would win.

Then the lights went out........

When a team is on a roll, the last thing it wants is any type of distraction or disruption. The Ravens momentum was in high gear and they were sensing victory. So, the 49er's must have been ecstatic when the lights went out in the Superdome. The timing couldn't have been more perfect for them. (By the way, I've read that Beyonce blew out the electric twice during her rehearsals for the halftime show. Since the power outage occurred shortly after halftime, could she have had something to do with it? Can someone find out if she's a 49er's fan?)

When the lights were finally turned back on, the 49ers took full advantage and scored 17 straight points. They were back in the game and the Ravens looked shell-shocked. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. And to make matters worse, CBS kept flashing the graphic reminding us that this would be the largest comeback in Super Bowl history (if the 49ers went on to win). It would certainly be a tough one to stomach for Ravens fans. Baltimore pretty much had this one locked up until those damned lights went out!

But in the end, Baltimore pulled themselves together. An impressive, late 4th quarter goal-line stand by the Raven's defense all but guaranteed a Baltimore victory. Not surprising, on the change of possession at their own 5-yard line, the Ravens kept the ball on the ground, milking the clock down to 12 seconds. As Baltimore prepared to punt the ball away, I was still a little worried. I figured that, even with a decent punt by Raven's punter Sam Koch, the 49er's would still have great field position. This could set up the option for one last Hail Mary pass from Colin Kaepernick. But the Ravens milked eight more seconds off of the clock when Koch shuffled around in the end zone and eventually gave up the 2-point safety. A great strategic move by Baltimore. The 49'ers hopes were now down to a punt return touchdown. In the end, the Raven's took care of business and secured the Lombardi Trophy for the second time in their relatively short history.

This wraps up one of the most exciting seasons that I can ever remember as Ravens fan.Who can ever forget the epic back-and-forth battle in the Denver playoff game? And what about Ray Rice's unbelievable 1st-down conversion on 4th-and-29 against San Diego? And how about Torrey Smith's inspirational performance against the Patriots shortly after his younger brother was killed. And one of my favorite memories of this season was when Dennis Pitta nearly got decapitated by the New England defense in the AFC Championship game. And then, on the very next play, Flacco throws a bullet to Pitta in the end zone for a touchdown! That, to me, defined the heart and determination of this team.

For a Baltimore Ravens fan, it doesn't get any better than this. Many people doubted the Ravens this year. And many said that Joe Flacco was no "elite" quarterback. Well, the Ravens are now World Champs and Flacco is the Super Bowl MVP. If that doesn't make Joe and the entire Ravens team elite, then I'm more confused than all of the "experts" who doubted them.

To the entire staff of the Baltimore Raven's, congratulations on an extraordinary season. You've made your city and countless fans very proud!

kw