Thursday, December 30, 2010

Closing Out 2010

So, here we go again, about to close the book on another eventful year. Who knows what the New Year will bring our way? Will it bring more bed bugs? Will we see more massive snowfalls thus forcing Al Gore into another year of hibernation? Will Lindsay Lohan make an appearance on Celebrity Rehab? Only Dionne Warwick and her psycho network can predict these things.

Preparing for the New Year, we're all going to make New Year's resolutions that we know we can't possibly keep. I don't even waste my time with resolutions anymore. If I couldn't drop twenty pounds through 2010, what difference will 2011 make? What can I say, I like Arbys and I fear treadmills. And plus, I've never met a draft beer that I didn't like. Well, there was this one recently at the Pratt Street Ale House, but I still drank it. So, if I continue on my chunky path, I'll just start hanging out with people with overactive thyroids so I'll seem smaller. Say what you will, but at least I have a plan.

Ok, I guess if I really had to change something going into the New Year, it would be to eat more fruits and vegetables. Currently, about the about vegetables I consume are the jalapeno peppers on my occasional order of nachos. And any fruits that enter my body are usually coated with chocolate. But I'm working on it...

New Year's Eve is coming up and everyone's preparing to celebrate. I never quite understood this. Everybody parties all night, then when the midnight hour approaches, the dog and pony show starts. People will round up all of the drunks and talk to them like five-year-olds by saying, "Come on, you guys, we've got five minutes until the New Year. Five minutes, can you believe it?"

I can hardly take it!

Then, everyone is herded to the front of the nearest TV to watch that stupid-ass ball drop at Times Square. I just never got it. Everyone gathers and inevitably breaks into the 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-HAPPY NEW YEAR routine. Then, Guy Lombardo kicks in with Auld Lang Syne and we all hug, kiss and dry hump each other like we've just come home from World War II. What am I missing here? Hasn't everyone been partying together for the past six hours? So, what's up with the impromptu reunion?

On more thing....Before now and January 1st, I am going to absolutely freggin' snap if someone says to me, "See you next year!" To me, this is like the old "Have a good one" farewell. Have a good what? It drives me crazy. The only thing worse is when someone tries to be extra witty by saying "Half a good one! A whole one might kill ya!" It doesn't even remotely make sense.

Anyway........

On a serious note, I'm glad we've all made through another year. Paraphrasing one of my favorite songs, sometimes I feel like we're all lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. But hey, at least we're still swimming. So, keep living life and make everyday count!

I've had a ball (but not the Times Square kind) writing my rants and stories over the past year. Thank you all for taking the time to read them. I really do appreciate it.

May you and yours have a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year.....

Ken

Friday, December 24, 2010

Breaking Loose

When I was a kid, opening Christmas gifts was relatively simple. I would effortlessly rip through the thin wrapping paper to expose the gift behind it. On a bad day, this would still only take about five seconds. Once the Christmas wrap was off, I was pretty much home free. The only thing left to do was to open the box that held my momentary bliss.

Today, things have gotten much more complicated. Toys are shrink-wrapped tighter than Joan Rivers' face. And then once you get the shrink wrap off, the toy is often secured with various tie wraps, staples and spot welds. And, of course, most five-year-olds aren't capable of freeing Barbie from captivity. So, they look for the nearest adult to help them out.

A couple of years ago, my niece ran into this exact situation. So, she asks me if I can get her doll out of the package. After about ten minutes of struggling with it, I had to break out my surgeon's tools: a pair of scissors and a steak knife. I proceed to spend the next twenty minutes clipping and sawing at the various straps and tie-wraps. Sadly, in the process, Barbie got an unwanted haircut and a couple of nice lacerations. The situation wouldn't have been quite so bad if someone had the hindsight to pick up the Barbie Emergency Room!

Anyway, I finally freed Barbie and handed her to my niece. I'm hoping that she doesn't notice my mishaps. But, kids don't miss anything. She stares at the doll for a minute, then asks me, "What happened to her hair?"

Of course, I try to play it down by saying, "Don't worry, it will grow back."

Then, when I think it can't get any worse, she says, "Oh, my God! Her arms and legs are cut!" Then, she drops Injured Barbie and goes running off into the next room. The poor kid was traumatized and I felt like a total loser. As a result, she now thinks that I'm Charles Manson. Yeah, I'm at real hit at the kid's birthday parties these days.

And it's not just the kid's stuff. Have you ever tried to open a CD lately? Let me just say, it ain't easy. Last year, I picked up the latest Kelly Clarkson CD. Like anyone else, I was eager to pop it into my car's CD player and fire up "My Life Would Suck Without You". But not so fast! I nearly lost an eye while trying to get it out of the cellophane wrapper. I recklessly poked and pulled on the wrap with my car key until I finally broke the cellophane. But just when I thought I was home free, I then had to deal with that thin sticker that runs along the top of the CD case (Can someone please explain to me what the purpose of this sticker is?). So, I pluck at the sticker with my thumbnail like a madman. Right before my thumb totally cramps up, I finally free the CD from it's jewel case. God Almighty, freed at last!

This Christmas, don't be surprised if you encounter similar situations. If I can offer any kind of advice, I would say just be very careful with the sharp objects. A trip to the ER always puts a damper on the Christmas spirit.


KW

Saturday, December 18, 2010

One Strange Concert

The year was 1993 or thereabouts. I'm not sure how or why, but I wound up with a pair of tickets to a Melissa Etherdge concert. The venue was Merriweather Post Pavilion in nearby Columbia, MD. I had heard a lot of Etheridge's music, and I actually liked it. Plus, her girlfriend was Anne Heche who I always thought was kind of hot. So anyway, I figured, "What the hell, it should be a good time."

So, Tina and I head down to Columbia. We park on the Columbia Mall parking lot which is right across from the entrance to Merriweather. As we're sitting in the car, we watch all the people heading over to the venue. Everyone seemed to be in a festive mood. Countless couples strolled past holding hands and embracing each other. But here's where it got a little weird for me. Although there were plenty people who initially appeared to be guys, in reality they were women with close cropped haircuts and flannel shirts. (By the way, I had never seen so many Jeeps on the parking lot. What's up with that?)

Now, let me say that I don't have a problem with any of this. Although I am indeed conservative on most issues, I don't think that I, nor anyone else, has the right to tell people how to live their lives. But, with that being said, here was my concern. I have been described as having the "stereotypical Republican look". So, how are these "ladies" going to respond to me? As silly as it sounds, I was afraid that they might view me as the enemy and sacrifice me in the name of alternate lifestyles across the world. And, all kidding aside, there were more than a few of these "ladies" that could have, no doubt, easily kicked my ass!

So, after a little help and encouragement from Samuel Adams, I finally ventured inside. After taking our seats, I noticed a fellow man in the row behind me. Even though we were an extreme minority, it gave us comfort that to know that we weren't totally alone. We gave each other a subtle upward head-nod as a sign of solidarity.

Once the show started, tensions eased. Mellisa was jamming out to "Bring Me Some Water" and the whole place was jumping. Maybe it was the beer, but I was actually digging the whole thing. Before long, Etheridge transitioned into "Like I Do", and then things started to get a little weird. Women seemed to be mesmerized as the bridge of the song kicked in. They were swooning and swaying. They were saying things like,"God, she's so beautiful". It was actually a bit cult-like. I couldn't take it anymore......

So, I figured this was probably a great time to hit the "mens" room. As I approach the line, I see that it's unexpectedly backed up. I'm thinking, "How can there be two hundred guys in line for the men's room when there's only ten men in the whole place?" Well the mystery was soon solved. There were actually no men at all in the line. They were all women. Can you believe this? So, I did what any self respecting guy would have done....I walked towards the front of the line.

This was probably not the smartest thing to do. Many of the women were visibly upset. How do I know this? Because they were throwing drinks at me and calling me an asshole. I had really kicked the hornet's nest this time. And being the fool that I am, I stood there and attempted to explain why I should get preferential treatment. After all, I was the only man here. Finally, I just said the hell with it and walked past everyone and into the Twilight Zone.

When I enter the men's room, it was somewhat surreal to see it packed with women. And some of them actually looked like women. There's certain things that you'll never forget in you life. I will never forget the time I had a conversation with a woman at an adjacent urinal at Merriweather Post Pavilion.

When I finally made it back outside, I saw Tina. She had a look of terror on her face. So, I asked her what was the matter. She told me to never do anything like that again. She tells me that I could have gotten both of us killed. She says that she was sure that I would not come out of the "men's" room in one piece. I tried to calm her down by telling her that everything was fine. Plus, I even made a new friend at the urinal. But I guess I wasn't too convincing. I have to admit, I was a little concerned about some of these "ladies" waiting for me on the parking lot. In an effort to blend in, I thought about buying a Melissa Etheridge t-shirt to wear on the way out. Some would call it a t-shirt but I viewed it as camouflage. Thankfully, we eventually made it home unscathed.

Not long after my adventure, I read a story about a guy at one of these shows in another town. He pretty much went through the same bathroom experience as I did. But unlike me, he filed a lawsuit. Honestly, the thought had never entered my mind. I figured that since none of these ladies kicked my ass, what's the big deal? I guess some people just aren't as open minded as I am.........

KW

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Christmas Thorns

Even though it can be stressful, I try my best to stay in festive mood in the weeks leading up to Christmas.But every year, there are certain things that really test my patience. So, without further ado, here are the things that  pushed my buttons this year:
  • Public Schools - For referring to the down-time between Christmas and New Years as a "Winter Holiday". Why don't these politically correct cowards tell us exactly what traditional "holiday" we're actually celebrating this "winter"?
  • Honda - Although I think they make a great automobile, the song in their latest commercial drives me nuts. You know, the one that goes "Holiday oh Holiday, it's the best time of the year...." Every time I hear it, I feel like throwing something at my TV.
  • Christmas Thieves - Christmas is supposed to be a time of expressing goodwill toward your fellow man. It really bothers me when I hear of thefts from charitable organizations like Toy For Tots. Stealing Christmas gifts, especially from children, is about as low as you can go.
  • The NFL - For playing football on Christmas Day. Yes, the Cowboys and Cardinals will be playing this Christmas.I love football, but it pales in comparison to spending quality time with your family. Football will be here forever. Your family and friends won't. 
  • Politically Correct Companies - For having "Holiday Parties". Again, what holiday is it that we're celebrating??
  • The ACLU - For asking us to be tolerant of "other" religions and then telling us that we can't say the word "Christmas" because it's offensive to some people. The ACLU can kiss my Christmas celebrating ass! Is that offensive enough for you??
  • Snow - Sorry folks, I'm just a not big fan of the white stuff. Sure, it looks beautiful on a postcard and everyone dreams of a White Christmas, but in reality, it always turns into a slushy mess. Plus, I can't get too thrilled about anything that's going to eventually force me to pick up a shovel.
  • Christmas Tree Vendors - I hate when the tree lots display a huge sign that says "Any Tree On Lot $30". Then below it, in really tiny, barely legible letters, it says "Except Firs". Aren't firs the most popular variety of  Christmas Trees? Of course, they are. 
  • Lame Looking Santa Claus' - I recently saw a mall Santa who was so skinny he looked like a red and white Q-Tip. I'll bet the guy used ChapStick as deodorant. Hey, I thought Santa Claus was supposed to be plump
  • Retailers - Why don't stores offer those "blow-out" Christmas deals year round? Maybe we would shop there more often if they did. Just a thought....
  • Overzealous Pet Owners - For the love of God people, please don't dress your dog or cat up as a reindeer. You gotta ask yourself, how would you like it?
  • Chick-fil-A - I actually surprised myself with this one. After all, Chick-fil-A is, without a doubt, my favorite fast food restaurant. However, every year, they tease me for a couple of months with a Peppermint Chocolate Chip milkshake. Then, right after the holidays, they take it away. It's cruel....
All right, I think that's about enough complaining for now. After all, I wouldn't want to ruin my jolly mood. Damn, it's snowing again!

KW

Monday, December 13, 2010

The NFL Hair Club

As I watch football anymore, I can't help but get confused and distracted by all of the hair. It's like the NFL has morphed into the Hair Club For Men. I was watching my favorite team, the Baltimore Ravens, last week play the Pittsburgh Steelers. Baltimore appeared to have the game in hand late in the game. Well, the next thing you know, quarterback Joe Flacco drops back to pass and WHAM! He gets blindsided by Diana Ross! I immediately jumped out of my chair and yelled, "That's bullshit! She shouldn't even be on the field!"

Well, after further review, I discovered that it really wasn't Diana Ross. And it wasn't the guitar player from Guns and Roses either. It was none other than Steelers' safety Troy Polamalu. Hey, it was easy enough to make the mistake. I'm serious, the guy looks like a Chia Pet! Poor Flacco probably thought he got hit by a sheep.

And although I'm no fan of the Steelers, it's not just Polamalu with the long hair. It seems that half of the guys in the NFL now have either the grunge rock-star look or the Rasta man look. I was watching one game where I swore Bob Marley was running down the field for a touchdown. I thought I was hallucinating!

I don't know how these guys can stand it. I would think all that hair would be hot, irritating and/or distracting. Like I said before, it definitely distracts me. Sometimes, I don't know if the team is huddling up to discuss the next play or if they're preparing to segue into Buffalo Soldier. Don't get me wrong, I love Bob Marley. But we're hear to play football, guys!

And what is up with New England's Tom Brady? I can't believe that one of his fellow Patriots hasn't told him that the Justin Bieber look doesn't work beyond the age of twelve. Sure, he's a great quarterback. So, what? He looks absolutely ridiculous.

What happened to the days when the football players used to have manly haircuts. Remember the flat-top that Johnny Unitas used to sport?  Now, there was a haircut. Ol' Johnny U always looked like a fresh Marine recruit. You could land a helicopter on his head. God bless him!

So, anyway I gotta run. The Ravens and Texans are getting ready to go at it. I sure hope Flacco keeps his eyes open for anyone who looks like Diana Ross this week!

KW

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Joys of Christmas Shopping

I've never been a big fan of Christmas shopping. For one, I never know what to get anyone. As December 25th approaches, I always feel the increasing pressure to get that special gift. And, if that's not bad enough, I never know how much to spend. If I spend too much, it makes the recipient feel bad and if I spend too little I feel like a cheapskate.

And buying for children is always tough for me. If I get the kid a sweater, he tosses it aside, gives me a dirty look and says, "Awww, I didn't want clothes!" It's like I stole the kid's cell phone or something. And if I buy him a pellet gun, the parents get mad at me. I can't win. So, as undramatic as it might be, all the kids in my family get cash.

And every family has that one person who either has everything or doesn't want anything. In my family, that honor falls to my Dad. I gave up on buying traditional Christmas gifts for him years ago. I knew whatever I bought him was eventually going to be returned. And it was usually me that had to return it. So, as a bonus, not only did I get to stand in line to purchase the gift, I also got to stand in a return line. So, now I just give him a gift card and we're both happy.

Of course, shopping usually involves going to the crowded mall. Hey, under normal circumstances, I enjoy being around people. I really am a social person. But when other human beings impede my ability to get from point A to point B, I get a little irritated. You see, having long legs, I walk at a pretty decent pace. So, it really bothers me to be strolling along only to have to slam on the brakes to avoid trampling over a group of senior citizen mall walkers. 

The seniors are one thing, but why do teenagers have to walk toward me and take up the entire walkway? Do I look like a ninja who can just conveniently flip over them?

Another thing that bothers me are those vendors that set up in the middle of the mall. I'm not really sure what kind of first impression I make. But do I really look like someone who wants his cuticles polished?

And what's up with the Hickory Farms carts that are always set up this time of year? I'm sorry, but I can't think of anyone who would look forward to unwrapping a summer sausage on Christmas morning. Ok, that didn't quite sound right.....

Anyhow.......after dealing with the volatile mall crowd, the last thing I feel like doing is standing in a long checkout line. So, I'll usually try to come up with an alternate plan. For instance, let's say I'm at Sears. I'll roll my shopping cart through the crowded store and into the auto department. When I start to unload the contents of my cart (none of which has anything  to do with a car), the auto guy will tell me that I can't pay for my stuff there. Appearing annoyed, I let out an extended sigh and tell him that "Joe" from electronics sent me over here because he had a problem with his credit card reader. The auto guy mumbles something mean about poor "Joe" but he reluctantly starts scanning my various non-automotive items. Of course, I sometimes have to deal with some bitching from people behind who came to get an oil change.But I'll just shrug my shoulders and say, "Hey, it's not my fault. Joe sent me over here. Take it up with him!"

It's a dog eat dog world out there, folks. You gotta be one step ahead of them. Be careful and happy shopping!

KW

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Who's To Blame?

So, here we are on the brink of the busiest travel season of the year. The airports are always expected to be crowded but I don't think anyone will be prepared for the lines they'll experience this year. With all of the extra "security" measures, the patience of airline passengers will be tested like never before.

With all of the controversy over full body scans and getting felt up by TSA agents, it's easy to understand the people's frustration. How did getting from point A to point B become so complicated? Remember the good ol' days when you could arrive at the airport an hour before your flight and still have plenty of time to spare?

I've got trip coming up in a few weeks. And even though it's about 500 miles from my home, I'm considering driving. I figure it might take me less time to drive than go through all of the bullshit at the airports.

So, who's responsible for this snafu? Sure, it's really easy to direct our anger at the TSA agents. In my opinion, many of them are unprofessional and lack the necessary job skills to perform their duties. Not to mention, they can also be cold and unfriendly. However, to be fair, they're not the ones who perpetrated this whole security fiasco. They're only doing what they told to do.

Of course, it's not politically correct to say it, but radical Muslims are to blame. They hate everything about America. they will continue to work hard at creating havoc in our society. But somehow, we're supposed to pretend that this really isn't the case. Instead of viewing Muslim extremists as the enemy, we're supposed to "try to understand them". I've said it before, I learned everything that I need to know about radical Islam on September 11. Don't insult my intelligence by asking me to understand or tolerate an enemy who wants to kill me.

So, instead of using common sense tactics like Israel does, the US will continue with the politically correct dog and pony shows. And with all of the virtual strip searches and intrusive pat-downs, has any potential terrorist plots been uncovered? Do you really feel any safer watching a TSA agent frisk a five-year old like he was a West Baltimore drug suspect?

There seems to be a distinct characteristic pattern with the people who want to blow us up. I don't know why it's so taboo to come out and say it!

KW