Friday, February 26, 2010

Charming The Cobra

Through the years, I’ve met some rather interesting people. All of them are memorable in their own unique way. And for some unknown reason, I always seem to cross paths with the strangest ones. This story is about one of those individuals.

(To avoid calling anyone out, I’ll just refer to this person as "Spanky")

Earlier this year, Spanky joined our bowling league. The rumor has it that he was kicked out of a nearby bowling house because he was caught playing tug of war with the Cyclops in the ladies bathroom. I wasn't there to witness it (Thank God!) but this is what we've been told.

Well, from I understand, Spanky was reprimanded again this week for doing the five knuckle shuffle (this time in the men’s room) after someone complained. Sometimes truth is indeed stranger than fiction! How do you even deal with something like this? When it comes to bad habits, some people drink and others might smoke. It appears that this guy is a habitual salami slapper.

I guess it gives a whole new meaning to the bowling term “holding your wood”. And when it’s his turn to bowl, I’m guessing we shouldn’t say, “Hey Spanky, you’re up!” He’d probably look down and say “Sure enough” and run to the nearest bathroom. And watch what you say around the snack bar. If you order a pizza and say, "Hold the pepperoni", Spanky will probably shout back, "I've already got that covered!"

I thought I heard Spanky in the bathroom stall a few weeks ago. There was rustling and bustling but I didn’t think much of it. I’m not the most observant guy in the world. I figured he got a bad order of nachos from the snack bar and he was just working things out. The whole time, he was probably slap boxing with the one-eyed champ! Even though he was concealed within the bathroom stall, it disturbs me that I was just a few feet away during his dishonorable discharge! I don’t want to talk about it anymore……

What do we do? Should we call a meeting? (Kind of pointless since Spanky is already holding regular "staff" meetings). He's been warned to knock it off. But how do you reason with a guy who’s obsessed with doing skin flute solos in public bathrooms? Do you call the police? And what would you charge him with, holding his sausage hostage? Or maybe illegal hand to gland combat? This is crazy!

I can't understand the mentality of a guy like this. Maybe as a kid, he confused Jack in the Beanstalk with jackin’ the beanstalk? Who knows?

Hey look, if someone wants to light some candles and have a romantic evening at home with Palmela Handerson, it’s none of our business. But something definitely needs to be done about a jerk-off who continues to get in touch with himself in bowling alley bathrooms!

People are indeed strange……..

Monday, February 22, 2010

Another Gym Tale

I’ve been hitting the treadmill (at home) every morning, but it's not quite doing the trick. So, I decided to go back to the regular gym yesterday. Spring will be here before we know it, and I really need to shed off some of that “feast and frolic” from the past few months.

So, like always, nothing can ever go without incident for me. Having a stress-free workout is apparently asking way too much.

It all starts when I wander back to the corner where they have the abdominal machines. I figure I’ll try to work out those dimples in my beer belly. Well, as soon as I enter the area, there’s a strong stench of body odor coming off of the only other guy back there. It kind of smelled like the inside of a barn, but worse. I almost ran to the locker room to grab my deodorant. I figured I could rub a generous portion on my upper lip, then offer it to Sir Stinks-A-Lot.

Well, the guy finally leaves the area. Then, I proceed to do a series of sit-ups with one arm draped across my face. And just when I think it can’t get any worse, a woman comes into the area and obviously smells the B.O. Then, she shoots a disgusted look my way and turns around and leaves! She thinks it’s me! Can you believe this bullshit? Now, I feel like I have to explain things to her. So, I stop in mid-crunch and rush out to the main part of the gym to catch her. Feeling a bit awkward, I just pass by her so she can catch a whiff of my freshness (I use Irish Spring and smell nice). Not knowing what to say, I just blurt out, “See, it wasn’t me!” She looks at me like I’m nuts, but at least I set the record straight!

Later, I see an elderly lady wearing a skimpy workout outfit. Her pants are made of a shiny spandex material and she’s wearing one of those half-shirts with her belly exposed. I don’t understand why out an out of shape senior citizen would do this. It’s disturbing to me. Hey Grandma, you might be the pin-up girl down at the assisted living home, but you’re making me sick!

As I’m working out with some free weights, I trip over some asshole’s bag in the middle of the floor. And it’s not a typical gym bag. It’s one of those big-ass bags large enough to hide a human body. So, I shoot him “the look”. Instead of apologizing and moving the bag, he actually seems pissed at me because I tripped over his bag! Huh? So, I ask him, “Hey bud, can you move your luggage?” He just looks at me like I’m a fool. I would have kicked his ass, but this is my first day back and I didn’t want to strain anything. Plus, he was bigger than me.

I finally finish my workout and head into to take a shower. Afterwards, I’m standing at the sink in the locker room and an old man walks up to the urinal directly behind me. (There’s mirror, so I can see him.) As he prepares to take a leak, he drops his pants all the way to the ground. Now, I’ve got to look at his wrinkled white ass while I’m trying to shave! Do these people intentionally hunt me down???

Never a dull moment………

KW

Friday, February 19, 2010

Morning Wood

So, Tiger Woods finally emerged from the woodwork this morning to issue a formal apology. Please help me understand this. I mean, why is he apologizing to the public? Does his bimbo banging really have any effect on anyone outside of his immediate family? Personally, I couldn’t care less.

Tiger’s initial excuse when he got busted was that he’s addicted to sex. Here’s something else that I don’t understand. Ever since the days of Fred Flintstone, guys have been quite fond of sex. Heck, there are even some women who like it too! It’s natural. So what’s the point of sex therapy? Do they drain your testosterone and train you to be a hairdresser? What’s next, Boobies Anonymous?

Hey look, I’m not defending Tiger Woods. He’s a married man and he shouldn’t have been running around with all of these women. I think that everyone would agree with that. But again, it’s between him and his wife. And not that it matters, but Tiger’s wife is smokin’ hot! Why would he run on her in the first place?

And let’s not forget that Tiger’s merely a golfer. Why all of the media coverage? It’s not like he’s the President of the United States. When Bill Clinton was getting his Slick Willy smoked by Monica Lewinsky, I could sort of understand all of the media coverage. It’s big news when the most powerful man in the world settles for a chubby intern. Hey, at least Kennedy went for Marilyn Monroe!

Ok, I’m getting a little off track here……

The point I’m trying to make is that what’s happening here is a personal matter for Tiger and his wife. No doubt, he let his family down and will likely have to pay for it for a long time. But I don’t think it should affect his eligibility to play golf in the future. I mean, is it any worse than the conduct of many of the players in the NFL? Ray Lewis was involved in a double murder but fans quickly overlooked it. In fact, Ray is adored in Baltimore.

Like I said before, I really don’t care about Tiger’s situation one way or another. I’m just amazed at how much attention it continues to generate......

KW

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Winter Olympics

I wouldn’t consider myself a huge fan of the Olympics, but I do enjoy tuning in from time to time. I caught a little of the sledding (the luge and skeleton) competition the other night. It’s actually pretty exciting to see these guys heading down that icy track at what seems like 100 miles per hour. The best thing about the winter Olympics to me is that most of the events involve speed and a certain element of danger.

However, there is one exception that immediately comes to mind: curling. Has anyone ever seen anything like this? Basically, one guy gently pushes a 42 pound rock across the ice. Then, while using brooms, two of his “teammates” frantically brush the path ahead of the rock to guide it to its target. They look like they're trying to start a fire! The game itself is kind of like shuffleboard on ice. The first time I saw this event, I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Who came up with this stuff??

The only thing crazier than curling is the biathlon. This sport combines cross country skiing and shooting a gun. Who came up with this idea? Maybe they should have made it a triathlon and added ice fishing to the mix.

As far as the skiing, I’ve always liked the ski jumping. These guys have to have balls of steel to ski off of that ramp and soar high into the mountain air. And for the skiers to have the confidence to know that they can land smoothly is amazing to me. That’s what I call believing in yourself! One little twist of an ankle and it could mean game over in more ways than one. I still remember that old Wide World of Sports intro where the guy has the crash landing. For years, he was the poster boy for “the agony of defeat.”

And then there’s figure skating. The precision and athletic ability of the skaters is quite impressive. Although adequately strong, the women skaters tend to be cute and petite. Of course there’s always an exception. Enter Tonya Harding. I’m sure everyone knows the story. Shunned from the skating world, Tonya has recently traded her ice skates in for boxing gloves (yes, I’m serious!). Wouldn’t it be funny if Tonya and Mike Tyson hooked up for a pairs skating competition. Tonya could crack their opponent’s knee caps while Mike chews on their ears like one of Michael Vick’s pitbulls! What a team they would make!

At last count, the United States was slightly trailing Germany for the over all medal count. But there’s still plenty of time to make it up. Go USA!!

KW

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Bizarre Foods

After being confined to the house during the recent snowstorms, it's no surprise that I've watched more television than normal. One of the more interesting shows that I've seen in Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. Basically, Andrew travels all over the world and samples the local cuisine. And believe me, it's much more than your typical meat and potato dishes.

This guy will eat anything from raw fish eyeballs to goat testicles. I don't know how he does it. Amazingly, he eats these things the same way we might knock back a hot dog at the ball park. A typical segment might go something like this:

“So, here we are in Southeast Asia. I will now tear into a local delicacy that us Westerners might better know as petrified skunk's ass. As I take the first bite, I would describe the flavor as rather pungent and the texture as a bit leathery. I feel a slight urge to throw up. But all in all, not too bad......”

I've seen this guy eat lizards, wasp larvae, crickets, eyeballs, rotten fish, cow spleen, and of course a multitude of testicles. I've heard him describe these as “gelatinous”. Kind of makes you squirm, doesn't it?

Personally, I'm kind of boring when it comes to food. I like a nice (beef) steak every now and then. And when it comes to seafood, I usually stick with the traditional shrimp, crab and white fish. Once in a while, I might even go for some littleneck clams or crawfish.

On my first trip to Colorado years ago, I found myself in a restaurant with a group of co-workers. When it came time to order, they seemed to be obsessed with me trying the Rocky Mountain Oysters. I thought it was a bit odd that they would have oysters in a place that is nowhere near an ocean or bay. When I asked the waiter if these oysters came from the east coast or west coast, my “buddies” all started laughing. Then, I knew something was up. I erred on the side of caution and declined the Midwestern oysters. And it's a good thing. I later found out that they were actually bull testicles! And these boneheads thought it would be funny if I unknowingly ate these things. Surprisingly, it turns out that they are considered a delicacy in the Denver area. Go figure!

On another trip to Colorado, I found myself driving through a mountain town. There were vendors set up alongside of the road every few miles. I eventually stopped to see what was up. I struck up a conversation with a guy who was selling all types of jerky. He had beef, turkey, elk, deer, caribou and several others. Feeling adventurous, I bought a little of each. When I got home, I grabbed a couple beers and took the jerky out to my back porch. The beef was great but the others were lacking. I'm not sure why anyone would even want to try to improve on the flavor of good ol' beef.

Once in a blue moon, I'll order calamari for an appetizer. If it's cooked right, it's not bad. But too many times, it's rubbery and I leave most of it on my plate. When I was in the Bahamas several years ago, the big local delicacy was conch, which is basically a big snail. I tried it, but it was quite bland and a little chewy. Not something that I'm going to miss. And more recently, while in South Carolina, I tried some alligator nuggets. As expected, they were quite rubbery and would probably be more useful as Superballs than an appetizer.

On a local level, I never really understood the fascination with raw oysters. I mean, you slurp the mucus-like creature out of it's shell and swallow it whole. Where's the dining pleasure in that?

Call me boring, but I'm going to stick with my filet mignon and crab cake!

KW

Friday, February 12, 2010

Snow In The City

During the recent snowstorms, WZJ-TV has been my window to the outside world. I’ve enjoyed watching the interactions between the reporters and the citizens of Baltimore. The people come and go into the bars and coffee shops, dismissing the blizzard as a minor inconvenience. I have to applaud their attitude.

However, when I ventured into Brooklyn (on the southern edge of the city) yesterday, I found quite a different attitude. I didn’t see the jovial spirit of the people who I watched on WJZ. Quite frankly, I found the people that I ran into to be inconsiderate assholes.

The streets were a complete mess. Finding a drivable road was a chore within itself. And if you were lucky enough to find a drivable road, you would likely find cars parked in the middle of it. And I don’t mean “double-parked”. People were just leaving their cars dead smack in the middle of the streets. I don’t understand this. Are they too lazy to dig a spot out for their car? Maybe that’s asking too much. All I heard was, “Where are the plow trucks? When are they going to dig us out? Waaaaaa, waaaaa!” I’ve got a news flash, people… if you’re waiting for the city government to come over and make things better; you’re going to be waiting a long, long time!

Although I was driving a four-wheel drive vehicle, I still managed to get stuck several times. This was mainly the result of some asshole deciding to leave his unattended vehicle in the middle of the road. As I progressed down the middle of Maude Avenue, another car turned off of 5th Street and started to come up the hill. I figured the guy would see that I was already halfway down the street and it would be much easier if he would let me through. But no! He decides to come up the hill towards me. Keep in mind that our two vehicles could not physically pass each other. So, I roll down the window and give him my best “what are you doing” expression. Then, he starts motioning for me to back up. This pissed me off. So, then the city boy came out of me and I unleashed a string of profanities on him. At one point, I thought we might meet in the middle of the street for an old fashioned throw-down. But he eventually backed his car down so I could pass him. As I drove by his car, I gave him my “you’re lucky I didn’t kick your ass” stare. He just sat in his car cursing me as I slowly drove by.

(I notice that everyone here seems to be extremely comfortable with cursing. The F-bombs filled the air like snowflakes did the night before.)

I finally make it down to my parent’s house where my car gets stuck again. This time I’m sticking halfway out into the street. Not surprising another car soon pulls up. The driver is visibly angry and wants to pass NOW! I tell him to give me a minute to shovel myself out. He gets a disgusted look on his face and shakes his head then looks at his watch. After a few minutes, I finally get my car into the parking space and the guy passes. But not before looking at me and shaking his head and mouthing the word “asshole”. For a moment, I considered throwing my snow shovel at his car.

As I head out, I notice people shoveling snow into the middle of the road. Ummm, maybe this is partly the reason the roads are so bad? Just a thought....

I also notice that everyone has chairs “holding” their parking spaces. I can certainly understand this, but I’m not sure if it’s legal. After all, it is a public street. I personally wouldn’t do it, but what would prevent someone from simply moving the chairs and pulling into the spot? It would certainly be inconsiderate. But from what I’ve seen today, it would be fitting. I have to mention that I did see a sign attached to one of the chairs that said: “Park here at your own risk!” Hey, at least the guy is giving plenty of forewarning.

Personally, I don’t need all of this hustle and bustle. So, for future snowstorms, I think I’ll to stay home and watch life in the city through the rose colored lens of my TV.


KW

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snowflakes Keep Fallin' on my Head

In my forty-plus years of life, I have never seen so much snow in such a short amount of time. It’s a bit surreal. And it’s almost like Mother Nature is playing a cruel game with us. If that’s the case, “Mama, you win. We give up. Enough already!”

Everyone is beginning to get a little stir crazy from being stuck in the house for the past week. All we can do at this point is wait it out and deal with it. It will surely be challenging, but there are certain little things that we can do to help each other out.

For instance, when you finally get around to shoveling out your vehicle, be sure to clear ALL of the snow off of it. More specifically, please get all of the snow off of the roof. The last thing I need is a foot of ice crashing into my windshield at 50 mph because you were too lazy to clean your car off! It will only take you an extra few minutes and possibly save you an ass whuppin’ later!

And watch those icicles that inevitably form under the front door to your house. Some of those things can grow to several feet. And to make matters worse, they can be very sharp. If I’m going to die an untimely death, I certainly don’t want to be the main subject in the “Man Killed by Falling Icicle” story. I’d prefer to be hit by a high speed train while attempting to rescue a puppy. It’s got a nicer ring to it……

Watch out for those scattered patches of ice. Sure, there’s a primal urge to laugh when someone busts their ass on the ice. But let’s not forget that it can be quite dangerous. If you find yourself laughing, (after you regain your composure) go over and help the poor bastard up.

If you have a rear-wheel drive car, don’t even think about going out in this mess. You’re going to eventually get stuck. And I’m in no mood to dig your stupid ass out.

Be understanding to your delivery people. I’m talking about the mailman, the paper deliverers, the Fedex guy, etc. These people are doing the best that they can. Don’t be the asshole that complains because you didn't get your newspaper. Besides, is it really going to tell you anything you don’t already know? It's snowing! Yes, we know....

And, do we really need 24-hour news coverage of the snowstorm? I mean, all I have to do is look out my window to see how bad it is. I don’t need Marty Bass’s official Outback yardstick to confirm it for me!

And why are some people so happy? Some misguided fools see this as a big party. What am I missing here? My ideal setting for a party is on a warm beach with a cold beer in my hand. Not freezing my ass off in the middle of a blizzard with a snow shovel!

And where is Al Gore these days? I guess the global warming poster boy is shoveling snow instead of bullshit these days. Hey Al, if you want to save the polar bears, send them down to Maryland!

I’m guessing that the snow won’t be completely melted until sometime around the Preakness. With all of that moisture soaking into the ground, I’m assuming that everyone’s lawns will be especially green this year. As hard as it is to imagine, spring is only about six weeks away. Try to hang in there until then……

KW

Friday, February 5, 2010

Tales From the Checkout Line

Yesterday, I needed some cold medicine and razor blades. So, like a fool, I stopped off at the local Giant instead of just dropping by a local Walgreens or Rite-Aids. I had completely forgotten about the pending snowstorm and, no surprise, the grocery store was packed.

I quickly grabbed my items and headed off to the checkout line. Every line was a dozen people deep as they waited to pay for their stereotypical bread, milk and toilet paper. I scan the area to find the express lane. I walk over and take my place in line. I’m instantly pissed when I see the woman in front of me with a shopping cart loaded with four gallons of milk, six loaves of bread and various other items. The lighted sign above the cashier's head clearly says “10 Items or Less”. Either she can’t read or she’s just trying to be a defiant bitch. Maybe it’s a combo of the two, who knows?

Eventually, the woman in front of me puts her stuff onto the checkout belt. And then she breaks another law of checkout etiquette: she fails to put the separator bar down. So, I reach over her items and grab the plastic bar and lay it behind her milk jugs. I make eye contact and give her my best “hey dumb-ass, haven’t you ever been in a grocery store before” look.

In the line next to me, a woman is having a loud argument with her five year old about a candy bar. Basically, the woman keeps yelling, “Put it back!” And the kid keeps responding, "No!” This continues until the woman finally says, “Ok, fine! Just put it on the belt!” Somehow, we all knew how it was going to end.

I finally lay my items on my belt. Then, the guy behind me starts craning his neck and fixating on my box of Tylenol Cold & Flu Medication. What's up with that? I view this as a blatant invasion of my privacy. An unwritten rule of the checkout line is: Thou shall not study thy neighbor’s goods. Do I even have to explain this?

After my items are scanned, I go to swipe my credit card. But the nosey guy behind me has pushed his cart up to where I have to reach across it to get back to the card reader. At this point, the congestion in my head is driving me nuts and, for a brief moment, I consider giving his cart a hard shove. But seeing the little old lady behind him makes me reconsider. So, while glancing at the shopping cart, I just say to the cashier, “Things are kind of tight here, huh?” She just smiles, clearly not wanting to get into the middle of a pissing contest between me and the moron.

During the whole checkout process, there’s an elderly guy on a bench just beyond the checkout lines. He makes stupid comments to all of the cashiers. It's gotta be torture for these poor girls to have to listen to this guy all day. And sadly, I'm told that he’s a “regular”. I feel like sitting down next to him and quietly asking him, “Sir, has your life become so uneventful that you have to spend your day harassing cashiers in a freggin' grocery store?” But I start to feel sorry for him. I dunno, maybe that Walmart greeter thing didn't work out for him. Or maybe he got ousted from the Senior Coffee Club at the Dunkin' Donuts. I let it go and gather up my things.

When I finally make it outside and there's a feeling of instant relief. Is it just me? Or does this stuff happen to anyone else??

KW

Monday, February 1, 2010

2010 Grammys

A toss-up between the Grammy’s or the NFL Pro Bowl, the Grammy’s won out last night. Normally, I normally don’t care for any of the awards shows. I see them as just an overblown ass-kissing event. I couldn’t care less for the awards themselves. I mean, what’s the point? However, I do enjoy the performances.

I’m normally an old-school rock and roll guy. But not too much of that stuff around anymore, especially at the Grammys.

Anyway, I did indeed watch some of the show last night. And surprisingly, I enjoyed it. Some chick who calls herself Lady Gaga took the stage. I was pleasantly surprised. Although there’s something that weirds me out about her appearance (reminds me a little of Marilyn Manson), her performance was awesome. She finished with a duet, across adjacent pianos, with Elton John.

And I don’t know that much about the Black Eyed Peas (other than that Fergie chick is pretty hot) but I thought their performance was extraordinary. Maybe a bit over the top at first, but by mid-way through the performance I couldn’t take my eyes off of the screen. And their songs seem to have an infectious groove to them.

On the country side, the Zac Brown Band opened with a tremendous rendition of America the Beautiful. They were joined onstage by legendary musician Leon Russell. Zac ended with “Chicken Fried” and a blistering acoustic guitar solo. Imagine Charlie Daniles on a nylon stringed guitar. Yeah, it was that good!

Taylor Swift performed with Stevie Nicks. Obviously, Tina was in heaven, but I thought the contrast was a bit too much to absorb. It just seemed weird to hear sixty year old Stevie singing songs with Taylor about her middle school love crushes. And Taylor seemed to fall a bit short on Stevie’s, “Rhiannon”. As Simon Cowell might say, the song seemed to big for her. But for the record, I think both Taylor and Stevie are phenomenal artists.

In another strange twist, I actually enjoyed the tribute to Michael Jackson. An original Jackson track was played in the background with Celine Dion, Usher, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson and Smoky Robinson performing. I figured Celine would eventually jump out in the front with her obnoxious “hey look at me, I’m a great singer” routine. But she behaved herself and shared the stage with the rest of the gang. All in all, it was very good (even without the 3-D glasses).

Pink performed her song while dangling and twisting high above the audience. She was suspending on a trapeze-like cloth. I honestly don't know how she did it. All of the twisting and turning would have disoriented me like a Tequila Happy Hour. But she was great.

But, in my opinion, Beyonce’s performance was the best of the night. Right out of the gate, she was filled with the passion and energy that we've come to expect from her. I wasn’t that familiar with the song(s) that she did, but it really didn’t matter. She was hitting on all cylinders. Somewhere in the middle she kicked in with Alanis Morrisette’s “You Outta Know”. The woman is a bona fide performer! Better than Madonna ever was, in my humble opinion.

There were probably plenty of things that I missed, But for what I saw, I was a great show.

KW