Slapstick Security

Before I even get started, this story doesn't apply to all security personnel. But I have have seen enough of these situations to feel compelled to comment. What you are about to read is just one experience.

From Walmart to office buildings to the airports, I can't say that the "security" makes me feel any safer. In a lot of cases, I actually believe that a life-size cardboard cut-out of Barney Fife would be just as effective.

While conducting some personal business recently, I had the pleasure of spending some quality time with some security (I use that term loosely) guards. The particular location doesn't really matter because, like I've said, I've seen the same type of behavior at many other places. So, here's how this latest one went down......

While waiting in the "security" area, there were a total of four "guards". My guess is that they had the collective IQ of a hard boiled egg. There were two women and two men. And the women were much more intimidating than the guys. Well, before long, one of the female guards starts lecturing the other guards about leaving their coats on the chairs. According to her, there's at least one guard who has a reputation of sitting on everyone's coat. She explains, this is very inconsiderate and it causes the coats to "smell like ass". She then segues into a rant about having to spend $20 at the dry cleaners to get the smell out. As she tells the story, you can see her getting increasingly upset. I guess if my coat smelled like ass, I'd be upset too....

The whole time, I'm trying like hell not to laugh.....

The next thing I know, the woman turns her attention to me. She tells me I have to sign in. Then, she lays the sign-in sheet on the desk. There were chicken bones and spilled soda all over the desk.The place looked like a food fight had recently taken place. So, I picked up the sheet of paper (which now had a large grease stain) and signed it up against the wall.

I hand the paper back to the angry guard. She takes it from me without an acknowledgement. Not missing a beat, she starts going off about one of the other guards who always smells of alcohol. She tells the other guards, "And I ain't mentionin' no names, but you know who I'm talkin' about. You can smell it coming through his pores. And from the smell, I can tell you he ain't drinkin' no Dom Perignon."

During the whole story, she's pointing her finger and bobbing her head like she's giving a sermon at Sunday church. I was waiting for the other guards to answer back with Amen or Hallelujah.

For these people to be in charge of security, they seem to be sharing way too much information with me. They continue to carry on in front of me like they're at Friday night Happy Hour.

Soon, another guy dressed in a guard uniform comes in. From what I picked up, this guy didn't work for this particular "security" firm, but he was interested in joining the disciplined force. I gathered that he was a friend or a relative of the angry guard. She makes a phone call to one of her superiors and puts in a good word for him. After she hangs up, she tells him that she has set up an interview for him. Then she gives him some profanity-laced advice on how to behave at the interview. She tells him that "he needs to get his shit together". Too bad the Ravens didn't have this woman in the locker room last week. With a pep talk like this, the Patriots would have been toast!


The other female guard resembles Aretha Franklin. Don't get me wrong, Aretha is great. But I don't think anyone's going to confuse her with a member of the A-Team. Anyway, I nearly get wedged in the doorway as the Queen of Soul attempts to squeeze by me. Couldn't she have just asked me to move? I can't help but wonder if she happens to be the infamous "coat-sitting" person.

Soon, one of the male guards starts to complain about an upset stomach. He says that the burrito he had for lunch is coming back to haunt him. He mentions something about "a dog scratching at the back door." I'm almost afraid to imagine what it means. But I assume that his sudden illness is nothing more than a ploy to go home early and play some X-Box.

I notice that they all refer to each other as Colonel and Sergeant as if they're members of Delta Force. They wear badges, but I'm thinking that they might be made of plastic. It's comforting to see that they do not have guns. I know what you're thinking. If they don't have guns, how much security can they really provide? Giving a gun to one of these folks would be like giving a salt shaker to a slug. It just wouldn't end well...

At long last, my contact comes down and finally rescues me. I almost wanted to hang around a little longer, just to see what the guard crew might do or say next. I couldn't help but think that they would be a great inspiration for a new sit-com. They might not make you feel very secure, but they will definitely make you feel amused...

Actually, it's kind of scary.........

kw

An Exciting Season For Raven's Fans

All right, it's Monday evening and most of my fellow Raven's fans have had all day to digest yesterday's disappointing loss. I'm not going to dwell on it too much. Yes, Billy Cundiff missed a chip-shot field goal that would have sent the game into overtime. I'm now hearing reports that he "wasn't ready" for the kick. I'm not really sure what that means...

But even if Condiff makes the field goal, there's no guarantee that the Ravens would have won in overtime. Who knows, maybe the Patriots would have returned the punt return before overtime even began (If I recall correctly, there were about ten seconds left on the clock). Anything is possible.

And let's not forget that Lee Evans had an opportunity to give the Ravens the potential game winning touchdown if he could have just held on to the ball. But in his defense, the New England defender did knock the ball loose. Although I don't think the ruling on the field would have been overturned, I am really surprised that the play wasn't reviewed in some way. My understanding is that the replay booth reviews any scoring play in the final two minutes of either half. But since this wasn't technically a scoring play, I'm not sure what the rule is. Could John Harbaugh have thrown the challenge flag? I don't know.....

(On a side note, I never fully recovered from the way Steven Tyler butchered the National Anthem to start the game. Don't get me wrong, I love Aerosmith and consider Tyler to be one of rock's best front-men ever. But I really think he should leave The Star Spangled Banner to someone else..)

With all of this being said, the Ravens gave their fans another exciting season. The team should hold it's head high. They have proven to be a perennial playoff contender in one of the NFL's toughest divisions. As a fan, I don't think you can ask for much more than that. Baltimore doesn't just have a football team. It has a really good football team!

Some of this year's Raven's highlights:

• Beating the arch rival Pittsburgh Steelers twice and winning the AFC North
• The introduction of Balls So Hard University
• A Thanksgiving night victory against a strong team coached by the other Harbaugh
• The Joe-Man-Chu
• A perfect 9-0 record at M&T Bank Stadium
• The emergence of Ray Rice as one of the league's premiere running backs

I had a great time watching the games with family and friends this season. Our team may have fallen a little short, but it was definitely a fun and eventful ride. Each game brought a variety of excitement as well as good food, an ample supply of adult beverages, great company and many colorful conversations. If the Ravens were playing, it might have been "game time" for Ray Lewis and the guys, but it was party time for the rest of us. And party we did! I had an absolute blast this season. Looking forward to next year, so we can do it all over again.

Kudos to the Baltimore Ravens for yet another successful effort. See you in September!

kw

Airborne Vehicle Debris

Last night, the Baltimore area got it's first taste of the familiar rain/snow/ice mix. Before I could run my errands, I knew I had some prep work to do on my car. So, I cracked all of the ice off as best I could without doing any substantial body damage to my vehicle. I started the engine and cranked the defrost up to the maximum setting. Then I brushed the melting debris off with a large push broom.

Now, I didn't really feel like doing any of this work, But, as a driver, I felt like it's the responsible and courteous thing to do. But apparently, not everyone shares my feelings.....

This afternoon, I'm driving across the Hanover Street bridge on the edge of the city. I'm fully absorbed in David Gilmore's "Comfortably Numb" guitar solo. It was a very tranquil moment. Well, out of nowhere, a two-foot sheet of frozen snow crashes down on the hood of my car! It startled me so much that nearly drove off of the bridge! I looked ahead and saw more sheets of airborne snow crashing down on other motorists. One moment, I'm minding my own business jamming out to Pink Floyd, the next moment I'm in the middle of an avalanche....

As I focused on the road ahead, I could see that all of these projectiles were coming off of an SUV several car lengths ahead. This instantly infuriated me. As I came off of the bridge, I swerved around several potholes (and what appeared to be some kind of carcass) and tried to catch up with the icy SUV. I wanted to tell the guy that because of his laziness and inconsideration, he was putting everyone else's safety in jeopardy. At the very least, I wanted an opportunity to flip him off. But in the end, I caught a red light and he drove away like nothing happened. Maybe it was best....

As I made my way home, I saw several other cars with ice chunks blowing off. I have to think that this causes damages (or worse!) every now and then. It really pissed me off. Why can't people take a few minutes to brush off their vehicles. Is it really asking too much? I understand that some states, such as New Jersey, impose fines on drivers who don't clear their vehicles of snow and ice before heading out to the highway. Now, there's a  fine that I would support! Hey, how about icy car cameras? I mean, we seem to have them for everything else. Why stop with red lights and speeders? On second thought, forget that I mentioned it.....

kw

Can The Ravens Upset New England?

As the Baltimore Ravens prepare for their battle with the New England Patriots in Foxborough on Sunday, I can't help but notice how most of the sports guru's have already written the Ravens off. It's like the second seeded, 13-4 Ravens don't even have a chance. I don't understand this.....

The Ravens have a 7-0 record against playoffs teams this season. That sounds like a team that might have a chance against anyone. And watching the Ravens this season, they are a scrappy team that can find ways to win. And I know yesterday's win against Houston wasn't pretty. But the goal is to advance to the next round, and that's exactly what the Ravens accomplished yesterday.

No doubt, Baltimore will have their hands full with Tom Brady and the Patriots offense. But I believe that the Raven's defense can hang with anyone, including Tom Brady. What really worries me though, is how quick the referees will be to throw the flag on any Raven who gets within three feet of Brady. If we start seeing "roughing the QB" penalties early on, it's going to be a long day for the Raven's defense.

I'm amazed at the way some sports writers dismiss Joe Flacco as a below-average quarterback who only wins as a result of having a great running back and a top notch defense. Flacco racked up 40 wins in his first 60 starts as the Raven's QB (an NFL record). Flacco is also the only NFL QB to start and win a playoff game in each of his first four seasons. Sounds pretty impressive to me.

But to be fair, I have my own criticisms of Flacco. (Not the least of which is that stupid looking mustache.) At times, he seems to be flat-footed and appears to lack peripheral vision as the pocket collapses around him. But he often makes up for it with his pin-point accurate passing and his ability to avoid costly mistakes. He knows when to throw the ball away instead of trying to force a play that isn't there. Flacco is not flashy, but he is consistent. And most importantly, he's a winner....

I can remember people criticizing Trent Dilfer too. And all he ever did with the Ravens was win a Super Bowl. 

Keep in mind that Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees put up huge passing numbers this year, but they'll both be watching the Super Bowl from home this year. Hmmm......

There's no telling what will happen in New England this Sunday. If Ray Rice gets hot against the average Patriot's rush defense, the Ravens have a shot. If Joe Flacco can pick apart the weak pass defense of the Patriots, they definitely have a chance. And if the Ravens D can pressure Tom Brady, who knows?? The bottom line, the Ravens are a more balanced team than New England. That's gotta count for something.

The Patriots are 6-1 against the Ravens lifetime. However, the Ravens lone win did come in the playoffs in 2009. Could they do it again?

I don't have any skin in the game, but I wouldn't count the Ravens out just yet......

kw

Pissing On The Enemy

In case you haven't already heard, there's a group of Marines who are in some hot water over a video that's been making it's way around the internet. In the video, four Marines are shown urinating on the Afghan corpses. The corpses are assumed to be fallen members of the Taliban.

A Taliban spokesman has called the golden shower barbaric, inhuman and unforgivable. Keep in mind, this is coming from the same group of cave-dwellers who routinely torture and behead people. This kind of behavior tends to make me a little less sympathetic to their outrage.

Ok, let's look at the diplomatic side of this. You know that our enemies in the Middle East (which seems to be pretty much all of the Middle East) are going to run this up the propaganda flagpole and milk it for all that it's worth. I'm sure some will argue that in this time of transition, especially in Afghanistan, this pissing incident couldn't have come at a worse time. And I get that. But honestly, do you really think that people in this part of the world are ever going to really embrace America? I personally don't think so.

And then there's talk of retaliation by the fun-loving Taliban. Is this to insinuate that the Taliban only tortures and kills when provoked? If they weren't provoked, am I to believe that members of the Taliban would actually be producing things instead of blowing things up?

Agreed, pissing on the enemy and then putting it on a video for the whole world to see probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. But, where is all of this outrage when the videos are circulating that show American journalists being savagely beheaded by the Taliban? Where was this outrage when bodies of American soldiers were mutilated and dragged through the streets of Somalia? And where is this outrage when an Islamic fundamentalist straps on a bomb and blows up a marketplace full of women and children? These are the kinds of things that really piss me off.

If I feel bad for anyone, it's the Marines in this case. They are going to be made to look like the barbarians when this is all over. Hell, they're already comparing it to Abu Ghraib. That certainly can't be good.


But before we rush to judgement on these guys, let's keep something in mind. There's no telling what kind of horrors and atrocities these Marines have witnessed. Can you imagine the stress level in a war zone? Fortunately, most of us will never know because these guys go in and do the dirty work for us. A moment of bad judgement sometimes happens.

Maybe some of their buddies were killed by Taliban soldiers. Maybe by these Taliban soldiers. You think maybe that might be enough to cloud your judgement in a situation like this? I'm not saying it was right, but it's just something to keep in mind.....

kw

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/united-states-marine-corps-investigating-online-video-appears-show-marines-urinating-corpses-taliban-fighters-article-1.1004795

NFL Overtime Rules

During the regular NFL season, most football fans are familiar with the standard "sudden death" overtime rule. Basically, in the the event of a tied game after four quarters, a coin flip determines who will receive the ball at the commencement of the overtime period. Of course, it's not mandatory that the winner of the coin toss receives the ball. But with "first team that scores, wins" situation, is there really any other choice?

I never particularly liked the sudden death rule. Here, you have two teams that have fought it out for four grueling quarters. And then you put in place a scenario where the initial overtime punt return could end the game in less than a minute. I don't think it's fair that one team might not even get a chance to touch the ball in overtime.

Well, at least the NFL has started to make a few changes regarding overtime. Last year, they tweaked the overtime rules a little bit. There would no longer be a traditional sudden death situation. However, there could be. Let me explain....

At the beginning of the overtime period (15 minutes, by the way), if the team that receives the ball marching downfield and scores a touchdown on their first drive, it's game over. However, it the team kicks a field goal, the  game continues and the other team receives the ball and gets an opportunity to score. If this team also kicks a field and ties the game, then the sudden death rule kicks in. Additionally, if at any time, the defense scores, it's game over.

I guess this is a little better than the old rules, but I still don't like it. A football game is a battle not only against the opposing team, but against the clock as well. So, why should the clock be dismissed by a sudden death win? I think there should be a determined length of play designated for overtime play. Whether it's five, ten or fifteen minutes, let the game play out.

I know it can be a demanding game and you can't have these massive athletes playing five or six overtime periods. But, first of all, how often would that happen? But in anticipation of a situation like this, I would say to limit the overtime to two full  periods. If there's still a tie after that, than we could adjust the rules and come up with some kind of tie breaker. At least by this point, both teams would have been given an opportunity to win.

kw

Evolution of the Musical Format

Most of the youngsters today probably can't imagine their favorite tunes coming from anything except an i-Pod or a compact disk. But there was a time, not so long ago, when music wasn't quite so easy and convenient.

My first experience with music came in the form of the good ol' vinyl record. I was probably four or five years old when I first discovered my parent's Herb Albert & The Tijuana Brass album. I can still remember the album cover. It showed a woman in a whipped cream wedding dress. I have to imagine that this was a bit on the risque side back then. (By the way, here's a bit of trivia....Herb Albert is the "A" in A&M Records).

Before long, I had my own collection of rock albums. I had all of the Kiss albums, Frampton Comes Alive and many other records that would go on to become rock classics. The old record albums featured a lot of things that have gone by the wayside with today's downloadable music. For instance, the cover art and liner notes were always interesting. A lot the albums also featured lyric sheets on the inside record sleeve. I always enjoyed reading along while the record played. It had the tendency the give you a better appreciation of the music.

As for the sound of the vinyl record, you're likely to hear mixed reviews. Personally, when played on a good quality turntable, I always thought the music had a deep, warm sound that seems to be lacking on a lot of today's digital music. Now on the other hand, the more the the record was played and handled, the more likely it was to become degraded. As a result, you might start to hear subtle pops and hisses. And in worst cases scenarios,  the record might become scratched which would cause noticeable skipping.

With all of this being said, the biggest disadvantage of the vinyl record was that it wasn't mobile. I mean, you could drag your record player outside and run an extension cord, but who wanted to do that? And you certainly couldn't play records in your car.

So, lo and behold, we were introduced to the 8-track tape........

My old 8-track player

Now, the 8-track tape was a piece of work. First off, it was relatively bulky. If you had a collection of 8-track tapes, you might carry them in a case that was the size of a good size toolbox. But it was a reasonable trade-off for being able to play our favorite tunes in our cars and through portable stereos. I used to have a portable player that looked like a dynamite detonator. You pushed the t-shaped handle down to change "programs" or "tracks". And if a track played until the end, it would automatically sequence to the next track.

I can remember rolling down the road, jamming out to Black Sabbath's "Heaven and Hell". Ronnie James Dio would start to belt out the opening verse of the song:

"Sing me a song, you're a singer. Do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil...."(fading out to silence)

CLICK!

(slowly fading back in)".....The devil is never a maker. The less that you give, you're a taker. And it's on and on and on!"

A typical 8-track tape.
Note the four "programs".

It would ruin the whole mood. You see, due to the time limits on each of the four tracks, sometimes a song was split across two tracks. It might start on track one and then "click" over to track two. Another drawback of the 8-track was that most players didn't have the ability to rewind or forward the tape. So, you might have to sit through a couple lame songs before you heard a good one. Fortunately, we didn't have to wait too long for an improvement on the tape technology. This came in the form of the cassette tape.....

The biggest improvement with the cassette was that Ronnie James Dio would be interrupted no more. We were now able to listen to both sides of the "record" in it's entirely. Another bonus was that the the cassette was considerably smaller than the 8-track. And rewinding and forwarding was a standard option on almost every player. Things were looking up.......

....until your player "ate" the tape. I can remember hearing the dreaded "garble" sound coming out of my 6x9 coaxials. If I was lucky, I would hit the eject button before my Van Halen II tape was turned into a pile of magnetic spaghetti. In those not so lucky cases, I would spend the next hour fishing the broken tape out of my car stereo with a pair of needle-nose pliers.

Although I knew only a couple of people who ever had them, I must also mention reel-to-reel tapes. The exposed tape was wound up on a large reel that resembled a movie film reel. I never saw a record store that sold them and I always thought the they looked like much more trouble than they were worth.

When the compact disk (or CD) was first introduced, it appeared to be the biggest advancement in recording media ever. Since nothing in the CD player physically touched the disk, we wouldn't have to worry about the wear and tear that were sometimes experienced with vinyl and tape. The biggest initial drawback for CD's was the cost. I bought a few CD when they first hit the market. If I recall correctly, they were roughly $17-18 a pop. Then, you had to shell out a few hundred more bucks for the player. If you wanted one for your car, you could easily shell out $500 or more. I wound up waiting until the price came down to the $10-12 range before I started to beef up my collection. I'm guessing that have at least 500 CDs now. (I bought many of these used for much lower prices at flea markets and the old Record & Tape Traders)

I like a lot of things about the CD. The sound quality is good and the disk itself is fairly durable. However, you can scratch them. If this happens, just use it as a coaster or a miniature Frisbee as it will never play music quite the same.

Here are some interesting tid-bits regarding CD's:

• The first album to be released on CD was Billy Joel's 52nd Street. It was released in Japan in 1982.
• The first album to sell a million copies on Cd was Dire Straits' Brother In Arms (1985)
• A typical CD has the recording capacity of 74 minutes
• There is only one "track" on a CD. It spirals from the inside hub to the outside edge.

And closing things out, i-Tunes and other digital downloads have taken over the current market. There's no doubt that this type of music is the most convenient. And you can't deny that the quality can be quite good. But I still prefer to have a hard copy of the record, even if it's in the form of a CD. Admittedly, I will transfer my favorite CD's onto my i-Pod for the convenience of listing to them while I'm at the gym, on a plane, etc. But I still want the peace of mind to know that I can reference the CD jacket for song info, band bio, lyrics, etc.

There have definitely been great some advancements in the recording industry through recent years. Have we finally reached the end point with the current digital technology. Or can we expect to see yet another format in the near future? Stay tuned....

kw

Smokers Need Not Apply

I was just reading an article in the USA Today (link attached at bottom) regarding the increasing number of employers who are imposing smoking bans on their employees. The smoking ban goes for current workers as well as potential new hires. And  this ban doesn't only apply to the workplace. It's applies to your private life as well.

First off, let me just say that I don't, and never have, smoked cigarettes. Personally, I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke. Yes, I smoke an occasional cigar. Maybe that makes me a bit of a hypocrite, I don't know. Honestly, the cigar smoking is more of a social thing for me. I guess you might describe it as a "conversation enhancer". However, if you told me that I could never burn another one, I would actually be fine with it. So, I don't really have a personal dog in the fight when it comes to these smoking bans. So, lets try to examine it from all angles.

I believe that these bans are creating a dangerous precedent. Next year, can we expect to see bans on people who are overweight. Hell, that would probably affect more than half of the American workforce. Maybe there will be a crackdown on people who consume daily doses of caffeine. No more Red Bull for that afternoon pick-me-up!

And what about alcohol? Will employees eventually be prohibited from having an overpriced draft beer at the weekend ballgame?

Hey, I understand why employers would prefer that their workers not smoke. Smokers tend to have more medical issues than non-smokers for one. This, of course, translates into more sick days. And according to the USA Today article, smokers rack up roughly $3500 more in medical costs than non-smokers. I would think that this would drive up the overall insurance premium for the employer.

I'm just wondering if lost productivity in general has anything to do with it. Let's face it, we've all seen smokers huddled up outside of office buildings. If they take 3-4 smoke breaks a day, you're probably talking about more than an hour of lost productivity each each. Multiply that over the course of a whole year and see how it all adds up. I'd be willing to bet that this plays into the equation.

By the way, I find it a bit ironic that we used to go outside to get some fresh air. Nowadays, it's not uncommon to open up the door and walk right into an ambush of second hand smoke.

I guess the good news is that less people are smoking with each new generation. According to statistics, roughly 19% of adults in the US smoke cigarettes today. In 1965, the number was 42%. I'm guessing that the decreasing number is due to things like public awareness, increasing costs and health concerns. But I really believe that some people give up smoking (or never start) because it's just become too much of a hassle. Is it really worth freezing your ass off outside just for a few hits of nicotine?

About fifteen years ago, a buddy was telling me how he got pulled over on the parking lot of a local defense contractor. He said that he received some type of citation for smoking a cigarette on the company's property. It made no difference that he was in his car. We thought it was a bit Orwellian even back then. What a company chooses to enforce on their own property is up to them. But when we start dictating what people do  in their personal lives, I think we're walking a slippery slope.......

kw

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/story/2012-01-03/health-care-jobs-no-smoking/52394782/1

Let's Sue Somebody!

Drinking my first cup of coffee this morning and trying to catch up on the morning news, I was ambushed by one of those lawyer commercials. You know, the type that starts out with, "Have you or someone you know ever been the victim of bodily injury or some other mishap that was no fault of your own? If so, please contact the law offices of Joe Blow, Attorney at Law. We won't rest until you get paid!"

Maybe it was due to the fact that I was half asleep, but it somehow peaked my interest. I mean, if it's so easy to sue someone and then receive a  fat-ass check, put me in coach! The only problem I have is that I don't have anyone to sue.

So, in the land of ridiculous lawsuits, I figured it wouldn't be too hard to come up with something. For instance, just yesterday, some little pecker-head in a Prius cut me off and gave me the finger. My feelings were a little hurt and now I'm thinking that I might have some permanent behavioral issues. Because now, every time I see someone in Prius, I have the uncontrollable urge to flip him off. I have no idea who the original driver was, but would it be possible just to go after Toyota, since they manufacture the car?

And just last week, I found myself taking a detour on Fort Smallwood Road near Curtis Bay. Before I had time to react, a gut-retching stench hit me so hard that I nearly passed out. Since there were no visible signs of a dead skunk, I have to assume that the smell was coming from one of the nearby factories. So, can I sue one of them for putting me through this putrid experience? Someone needs to pay up......

We've all heard the stories of people who look for potential lawsuits at the grocery stores and various retailers. If there happens to be a spill in aisle five, you can bet your ass that someone will be willing to bust their ass to get a fat settlement check.

And who can forget the infamous coffee incident from McDonald's several years ago? As a result, we now see warning labels on coffee cups to warn us that the contents are hot. Really? Isn't coffee is supposed to be hot! I'm wondering  how long it will be before we see warning labels on bathtubs that say: "Do not submerge your head for extended amounts of time without approved scuba gear."

Speaking of frivolous lawsuits, here's one from many years ago.......

My dad and I were doing a remodeling project in the Baltimore area. Every day, there was a young couple (I'm guessing late 20's/early 30's) who would walk by the front of the house. The purpose of their daily trek was to pick up a case of cheap beer at the nearby liquor store. I'm assuming that neither of them worked and they were enjoying a government subsidized party each afternoon.

Anyway, the homeowner happened to own a large dog. Well, one day, the dog happened to be in the yard when the ambitious couple were making their predictable beer run. Apparently, the dog ran towards the fence and barked, thus frightening the female half of the dynamic duo. Ok, so she got a little startled. It's not like the dog attacked her. What's the big deal, right?

(I would describe this part as the punchline if only it wasn't true.........)

The homeowner told us that the woman got a lawyer and was threatening to sue her. For what, you ask? She said that because of the mental trauma she suffered, she was now unable to preform sexually! No, I'm not making this up. And let me tell you, from what I recall of the girl's appearance, that dog did humanity a service if he really did impair her sexual appetite! She had a face that could make an onion cry. I never did find out what the end result was, but just the fact that someone would actually pursue something like this is mind boggling.....

So, whenever I see those advertisements from the law-firms, I have to wonder how many opportunists come scurrying out of the woodwork looking for an easy payday.........

kw

Will The Ravens Go To Indy?

The stage is finally set for the NFL playoffs. The following teams will all be playing at least one more game before they take a seat on the coach with the rest of us:

AFC                                                                              NFC                                                                              

1. New England Patriots                                           1. Green Bay Packers

2. Baltimore Ravens                                                 2. San Francisco 49ers

3. Houston Texans                                                    3. New Orleans Saints

4. Denver Broncos                                                    4. New York Giants

5. Pittsburgh Steelers                                               5. Atlanta Falcons

6. Cincinnati Bengals                                               6. Detroit Lions

The top two seeds in each conference move right into the second round of the playoffs. As a Raven's fan, I have mixed feelings. Getting a "bye" in the first round means that I won't get to watch them play this weekend. On the other hand, it puts them one step closer to the Super Bowl.

And before I go any further, let me confirm that the number six seed in the NFC is not a typo. Yes, the Detroit Lions made the playoffs this year.

One of the most interesting teams in the whole mix has got to be the Denver Broncos. Here's a team who started off at 2-5. Then, from what some might describe as divine intervention, a guy named Tim Tebow came along and   led Denver to five consecutive wins. And just when you thought they would storm into the playoffs, they actually limped into the post-season, losing their final three games and ending up with an unimpressive 8-8 record. Actually, the Oakland Raiders and the San Diego also finished with 8-8 records. But  Denver won the tie-breaker scenario and gets to play another week. And because Denver won their division they will get to host the 12-4 Steelers this Sunday. Can Tim Tebow possibly resurrect some of that magic he showed us a few weeks ago?

Let's take a look the AFC North.....

Here's a division that sends three teams to the playoffs: Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Cincinnati. (By the way, if Denver happened to be in the AFC North, they would not have even made the play-offs.) What makes this so interesting is that these three teams have already faced each other twice during the regular season. From the first round match-ups (Houston vs. Cincinnati and Pittsburgh vs. Denver), I would expect both of the AFC North teams to win their first round games. Of the winning teams, the highest reaming seed will then travel to Baltimore to face the Ravens. So, it's very possible that either the Steelers or the Bengals will face their division rival for the third time this year. Keep in mind that Baltimore is 6-0 against the AFC North this season. And they are 8-0 at home. Could we possibly have a rematch of last year's Pittsburgh/Baltimore play-off game? Will Baltimore get it's revenge? One thing is certain, it would definitely be fun to watch....

This year's Super Bowl will be played in Indianapolis. How poetic would it be for Baltimore's "new" team to win the Lombardi Trophy on the turf of Baltimore's "old" team? And to make the deal even a little more sweeter, Hall Of Fame receiver Raymond Berry (and former Baltimore Colt) will be presenting the Lombardi Trophy to Commissioner Roger Goodell (who will then present it to the winning team).

It almost sounds like the script has already been written.....

kw