Graduation Day - Scenes From The Crowd

Last week, Tina & I attended the college graduation of our daughter-in-law. The event itself was very nice. The crowd, however, had it's moments......

As we walked into the large "tent area" where the ceremony was to be held, people were already marking their territory. To make the best effort to keep the adjacent seat vacant, people would strategically scatter their belongings. If you happened to say, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting in this seat?", you were greeted with an instant attitude. I don't get it. I shower at least once daily with Irish Spring. Plus, I'm actually a pretty nice guy. Why wouldn't someone want to sit next to me?

We eventually found a couple of unoccupied seats on the end of a row. In what I'll describe as simply a blatant disregard of judgment, we sat ourselves behind a sweaty woman of robust stature. And let's just say that was quite obvious that there hadn't been any Irish Spring in the woman's recent past. It was a warm evening and the air flow under the tent was pretty much non-existent. So, in an attempt to cool the perspiring woman, her husband began to fan her with his graduation program. Of course, the side effect of his cooling process caused her body odor to be directly propelled toward us. As if she thought it might make things a little more bearable, Tina whispers to me, "I think it might be somebody's feet." My lungs were being slowly singed with each and every breath as I secretly wished for a dryer sheet to bury my nose into.....

There was a motorcycle "club" member, all decked out in his "colors", who kept strolling up and down the aisle. Really, dude? You couldn't leave your gang clothes back at the clubhouse for a few hours? Of course, I didn't say any of this out loud because I really didn't want Jax and the rest of SAMCRO showing up and kicking my ass after the ceremony.

When I go to these types of events, I like to listen to various speeches. They can often be inspirational and enlightening. For example, in the valedictorian's speech, a young graduate told the crowd about her life-journey from China to the United States. Not only was it uplifting, but the young lady also did a brilliant job with satirical comparisons of life in the two countries. As I tried to absorb every word, I was constantly being distracted by the couple in front of me who were determined to play a loud game of peek-a-boo with their toddler. Every now and then, the child would let out an ear-piercing screech. I don't have a problem with people bringing their kids to these things. But it's downright rude and inconsiderate to encourage your kid to scream while someone is trying to give a heartfelt speech. I really felt like slipping the kid a dozen candy bars after the ceremony. I figured, at least then, the parents would have to deal with the kid screaming and bouncing off the walls all night. Never underestimate the power of a Hershey bar.

Along these same lines are the various adults who have loud, animated conversations during the ceremony. If you happen to have a case of "running-mouth disease", either take it outside or talk low. I'm trying to listen to what's going on up on the stage, dammit!

Of course, no crowd would be complete without the intermittent chirping of cell phones. Even though people are told to turn off (or mute) their phones, there's always a handful of morons who feel that they are simply too important to obey this request. I love the people who answer the phone right in the middle of a ceremony and then proceed to have a loud, obnoxious conversion. One of these days, I'm going to snatch up the phone and bounce it off of the idiot's forehead. Would this really be so wrong?

And then there's always that one family who brings their own personal cheering section. When "Maurice" made his way into the venue, three rows of people in front of us went absolutely nuts. They were hooting and hollering so loud that I thought the roof might collapse. And then, sporadically, one of them would occasionally belt out an emphatic "Mar-REECE!!" At one point, I had a Tourette's (or Steve Miller) moment and almost shouted out "Some people call him the space cowboy!"  By the time Maurice finally received his diploma, the group was jumping over top one another like it was Black Friday at Walmart! Amazingly, no one was injured during the celebration.

And let us not forget the people in the middle of the aisle who were constantly running in and out. It was a never-ending adventure standing up and down to allow these guys to squeeze by. An hour of this was like doing a super-set of squats at the gym. All of this exercise caused me to work up an appetite which I extinguished with a trip to Chic-fil-A afterwards......

kw