The Angry Driver Behind Me

Last Saturday, I'm driving down route 301. I'm listening to some nice Christmas music in an attempt to induce myself into a tranquil state of mellowness. Well, I happen to look into my rear view mirror and notice that the driver behind me is going absolutely ape-shit! I instinctively look down at my speedometer and confirm that I'm going reasonably fast enough to discredit this guy's outburst. So, I just shrug my shoulders and go back to listening to Bing Crosby and David Bowie's kick-ass version of "The Little Drummer Boy".

After another minute or so, I glance back into my mirror. The guy's outburst has progressed into a full-out meltdown. His arms are flailing to and fro. And although we're in separate vehicles with the windows closed, I can clearly read the F-bombs spewing from his lips. Sitting in the passenger's seat, his wife appears stoic. I have a feeling that she's all too familiar with her husband's episodes of road rage.

Now, normally, I would just switch lanes and let the moron pass me. However, there was a congested line of traffic on all sides of me and there was nowhere to go. So, we were stuck with each other for while.

I ignored him for another minute or two. And then, like the hypothetical train wreck, I felt the need to look once again. The guy was still yelling. But this time, he pushed the envelope by pointing directly at me. Now, not only was it was personal, it was officially on! I felt compelled to respond.

So, I introduced myself by flipping him the bird. I know, not the most mature thing to do. But what can I say except the guy took me down to his level. Anyway, he recognized my "greeting" immediately and this caused him to go even more ballistic. He turned to his wife to let her know what I had done. And miraculously, the wife somehow came to life! Her "deer in the headlights" appearance instantly transitioned into an all-out outburst. I couldn't help but giggle. I had no idea that I was capable up getting this much emotion out of another human being. Of all the cars traveling on route 301 this afternoon, these two ass-clowns wound up behind me. I felt truly blessed!

I actually slowed up a little so I could "get a better seat for the show". As luck would have it. we eventually hit a red light. Jackpot! As the two continued to spew profanity at me, I turned around and gave them the "keep on yapping" sign by rapidly touching my thumb to my fingers. This pissed them off even more. I was actually laughing now! To enhance the mood, I popped my Pretty Reckless CD into my car stereo. The thumping bass line to "Follow Me Down To The River" seemed to be in perfect rhythm with the couple's tirade. I would have loved to have been able to hear what they were saying about me.

I'm not sure if the song had anything to do with it, but I actually started to feel guilty. Here I was, having a blast, while the two people behind me were on the verge of blowing out an artery.

As the light turned green, I finally saw an opportunity to switch lanes. I had drank a large bottle of water about 30 minutes earlier and I was getting dangerously close to pissing myself from laughing so hard. As much fun as I was having, it was time to end this. As I switched into the other lane, the guy gunned his engine and blew past me. I waved goodbye as he and his wife passed me. And yes, they were still cursing at me.

As crazy as it sounds, I'm really going to miss them.......

kw