Random Things I'd Like To See

All of the cold and nasty weather has had me pinned inside my house for way more time than I'd like. At times, I feel a little stir crazy and eerily in sync with Jack Nicholson's character from The Shining. Just the other day, I got the sudden urge to start bouncing a tennis ball off the living room wall. But figuring it would eventually result in Tina bouncing a mixing bowl off my head, I let the urge quietly pass.

So, as I gaze out the window and into a blinding sea of white snow, my mind ponders things that I would really like to see. For instance, I would like to see just one weatherman come out and say, "Do I look like one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends? I have no freggin' idea how much snow we'll get!"

I would like to see one of those Walmart scooter-riders say, "You know what? I'm fat and I'm just too lazy to walk around like the other Wal-Martians."

I would like to see the asshole who invented computer pop-up ads to get a nocturnal case of explosive diarrhea.

I would like see animal abusers hung by their nuts and beat like pinatas.

Since he practically looks like one, I would like to see an official Al Sharpton Pez dispenser.

I would like to see a Smart car that doesn't look so dumb.

I would like to see the United States stop giving money to countries that hate us.

I would like to see at least one guest on the Maury Povich Show with an IQ in the double-digits.

I would like to see Mike Tyson fill in as an auctioneer. I hear thicks. We've got a thicks. Do I hear a theven?

I would like to see celebrities stop hijacking award shows with their political statements. I think I'm now down to three or four actors who haven't pissed me off yet.

I would like to see all of those stupid reality shows get cancelled. How many more Survivors can they possibly make?

I would like to see Maryland's speed cameras spontaneously and simultaneously combust. Throw the red light cameras into the fire and queue up Disco Inferno by The Trammps.

I would like to see Kayne West say.......Ummm, actually I'd like to see Kayne shut the f*ck up!

I would like to see a Chic-fil-A in my neighborhood. I could eat that stuff everyday...

I would like to see Scarlett Johansson have a wardrobe malfunction.

I would like to see one of those work-from-home telemarketers accidentally dial a high-priced 900 number.

I would like to see "The Wave" abolished at all stadiums. It's a Detroit thing. Can't we at least leave it there? On a similar note, why do fans who hate the Red Sox, automatically join in on that stupid Bah-Bah-BAH part in Sweet Caroline. It's the silliest thing since the Electric Slide.

I would like to see the Tinman from the Wizard of Oz in an airport screening line. The sight of him arguing with a TSA agent would be priceless.

And lastly, I would like to see Al Gore walk through downtown Boston immediately after a snowstorm and shout, "Hey, has anyone seen my polar bear!?"

I really can't wait for spring........

kw