I’ve written about “security” guards in the past, but like Wal-Mart, they’re always good for another story or two. It still amazes me that some of the very people who are in a position of “protection” are often less effective than a scarecrow in an urban vegetable garden.
Speaking of Wal-Mart, the other day I was doing a little shopping at one of the local stores. The first thing I noticed was the “guard” near the front entrance. I’m guessing the guy was about eighty-five. And that’s just his weight! His age was probably closer to ninety-five! Seriously, how could this guy possibly intimidate any potential shoplifter (or worse)? I mean, what’s he’s going to do, trip them up with his walker? And any excitement would certainly have huge potential for a massive heart attack. And to make matters worse, the poor guy had his uniform pants hiked up to his chest. Not exactly the embodiment of an authority figure....
I was in another building recently where the “security” guard was quite the contrast of the Wal-Mart guard. This guy was fairly young but instead of eighty-five pounds, he probably weighed closer to four eighty-five! Watching this guy struggle to stand up was pretty sad. Although I felt sorry for him, I couldn’t help feeling a little anger towards the idiots that put him in this position. It was like a cruel joke. If a situation arose where the guy had to draw his gun, I don’t even think he could reach it.
And the last time I went through an airport, some of the TSA agents looked more like regulars on America's Most Wanted than security personnel. As I removed my watch and wallet and ran them through the metal detector, I quietly reminded the guard that I wanted them back. He looked at me like I was nuts, but I hear the stories.
And the mall cops are always a treat, especially in the malls that are located in the seedy parts of town. They only thing these guys have going for them is their youth. Most of the ones I see are usually in their early to mid-twenties. But seeing that they don’t carry guns and don’t appear to be MMA fighters, the odds are clearly stacked against them.
Several years ago, I saw the aftermath of a stabbing at a suburban Baltimore
Fortunately, the real cops quickly appeared on the scene and everyone felt safer. The food court was roped off and treated as a crime scene. (I was a little upset because I left half of a Subway Spicy Italian on the table and wasn’t allowed to go back and get it. But that’s another story….)
It’s actually scary when you think about these kinds of things. And let’s face it, it’s never going to get any better. Basically, you get what you pay for. You’re not going to get Steven Seagal for a security guard when you’re paying minimum wage. So, we’ll continue to rely on the Keystone Cops to protect us………………
KW
My favorite is the rent a cop in the Weis market by my house. Most of the time, they have a genuine off duty cop doing the guard duty. They're armed and generally look like they could kick your ass. But every once in a while, I guess this joke gets his turn in the rotation. He's about 60, 250 lbs. with one of those beard no mustache things on his face. He routinely makes it his job to:
ReplyDelete1. Tell people where to stand. I was on my way out and was standing near the Redbox machine waiting to return a movie. There's not really alot of room there so I was getting ready to move my cart for someone who was coming my way. Just before I moved I was told I should get out of this person's way. At that I told him I'd move when I was ready. As if it's his job to teach courtesy. There could have been 20 people running out with sides of beef under their arms and he was more worried about me getting out of the way.
2. Tell people where to park. On many occasions I go to the store and notice people PARKED, not waiting, but parked in the fire lane. I think this is beyond lazy but if they want to risk getting a ticket, so be it. There are also people who dropped somebody off and are waiting in the car for them. This really doesn't bother me. They are in the car and if they need to can move it at a moment's notice. Now I do it with the Sheriff of Nottingham on duty. He doesn't miss a beat coming outside from where he's leaning or sitting inside and tell me to move. I usually ignore him or ask him why? It says no parking and I'm not parked. He never has an answer.