An Unproductive Doctor's Visit

Several weeks ago, Tina got sick. She had the usual cold symptoms (congestion, body aches, fever, etc.). So, on Saturday morning, I roll her up in a blanket and take her up to one of those 24-hour healthcare facilities. The doctor quickly diagnoses her and informs her that she does indeed have the flu. He gives her a prescription and sends her home.

There must have been some magic in those pills, because the next day she's feeling 100% better. All's going good until Monday when I start to feel the same flu symptoms that she had. By Monday night, I felt like I had gotten run over by a bus. I suffered through this for a couple of days before I decided to see the magic doctor myself.

So, I drag myself into the car and head off to the clinic. Aside from the usual flu-like symptoms, I'm also light headed. So, I stagger through the front doors like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night. I get a strange look from the receptionist but I don't really care. I sign in and wait to be seen.

Although there was only one other person in the waiting area, I still had to wait for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually the receptionist comes out with her clipboard and starts yelling, "Kenneth Wilson! Kenneth Wilson!"

Now keep in mind, the only other person in the waiting area is a young woman. From that, I would have thought the receptionist would have gathered that I was the one named Kenneth. But nonetheless, I purposely delay responding to her and look around the waiting room as if I'm waiting for the real Kenneth Wilson to stand up. Just for spite, I make her announce it once again, then I say, "Oh, that would be me."

She takes me back to fill out some paperwork. I tell her that I've got the flu and just need some of those magic pills that they gave my wife a few days before. The receptionist doesn't seem to hear anything I say as she steadily pecks away at her computer's keyboard. She finally looks up and says, "You can go back to the waiting area. The doctor will be with you shortly." (Of course, she collected a $20 co-pay before she dismissed me.)

After a short wait, a woman who appears to be some sort of nurse comes out and leads me to the back. She sits me down and proceeds to take my blood pressure, temperature and other vital signs. Then out of nowhere, she mumbles something about a nasal swab and rams an eight inch Q-tip up my left nostril. She now had my undivided attention as I temporarily lost sight in one eye. I think she might have touched my brain with the Q-tip as I began to feel disoriented. I guess she recognized my discomfort because she gave me a rather unconvincing, "Sorry about that".

After having my sinuses assaulted, I was transported to the check-up room. There, I sat for another twenty minutes waiting for the doctor to attend to multiple phantom patients. He finally comes in and introduces himself. He asks, "So, Mr. Wilson, what brings you in here today?" I almost respond, "Oh nothing really. I was bored and wanted to rub elbows with some sick people."

But instead, I say, "My wife gave me the flu. You gave her some pills a few days ago and it fixed her up. I'd like you to fix me up too."

He looks over the chart and informs me that I tested negative for the flu. He tells me that I have an upper respiratory infection. So, I reiterate, "Ok, then give me some pills for that."

He tells me that there is nothing to give me. The infection will just have to work itself out. I'm flabbergasted! Are you kidding me? I remind him that I just gave the receptionist $20. Shouldn't I at least get a couple of pills for that?

The doctor refuses to give in. He tells me to drink plenty of fluids and get some rest. I couldn't believe it. He then sends me on my way with nothing but a headache from the over-aggressive Q-tip.

So, because I technically didn't have the flu, I had to suffer through my "upper respiratory infection" for two weeks. I think next time, I'll just find someone with the flu to cough on me. That way, at least the doctor will have to send me home with something....

KW