The Evil Karaoke Guy

So, last night I'm enjoying some pizza and beer with friends at a local Italian restaurant. Things were reasonably quiet as we sat there and discussed ways to save the world. But then, just when we thought we were safe, a DJ appeared and announced, "All right folks, it's karaoke time. If you want to sing, please fill out a slip and drop it in the box. We'll get started in a few minutes."

As I looked around the room, I felt pretty confident that there weren't any American Idol finalists in our presence. But I had no doubt that there would be no shortage of people who would attempt to prove me wrong.

Before long, it was on and the DJ called out the first singer. A guy with spiked hair appears from the back of the room and retrieves the microphone. The DJ queues up the karaoke track which quickly ignites a heavy metal guitar riff. Holding the microphone in a death grip with one hand, the singer bends over at the waist and starts throwing punches at the floor with the other. I guess it was kind of like watching Elvis do his karate routine? Anyway, the guy eventually launches into the vocals. But instead of singing in English, he starts discharging the lyrics with a deep, guttural German dialect. I have to admit, he definitely had everyone's attention at this point. There was a baby nearby who looked like she had just seen the evil clown from "It". Although it was kind of sad, it was also funny as hell.

The guy continued to pour his heart into his performance. As the intensity of the song increased, I expected him to start breaking stuff. But since he was singing in German, we had no idea what the guy was saying. For all we knew, he might have been saying, "I am Satan and you all must die tonight!" 

The song definitely had a violent vibe. I kept my eyes on the guy just in case he decided to make any sudden moves. Armed with nothing but a cold slice of pizza and an empty bottle of Miller Lite, I was in a bad spot if this guy decided to go Postal. My anxiety grew as my mind transitioned to "fight or flight" mode. After some heavy deliberation, I decided that if he started to come toward me, I would push my buddy Kevin in front of him while I ran for the front door. 

Thankfully, the song ended with no one getting hurt. At the very least, I expected to see a small animal get sacrificed. But the guy simply handed the microphone back the DJ and disappeared into the back of the room. The contrast of his aggressive performance and quiet exit added another element of drama to the mix. This guy was like Alfred Hitchcock!

My brain was still trying to comprehend what I had just witnessed. But, honestly, I have to give the guy an E for effort. Anyone who would put that much energy into a karaoke performance at a pizzeria definitely has a special gift. Although I wouldn't recommend this guy for kid's birthday parties, he was definitely entertaining. He certainly threw down the gauntlet for the rest the evening's performers....

kw