The Burrito Family

So, last Sunday I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to Denver. As usual, I saw people reading and listening to their I-pods while others were busy being hypnotized by their cell phones. There also happened to be an abundance of young kids scurrying about the waiting area. Flying can be stressful enough, so I sympathize with anyone who has to travel with young children. In a society where 9 out of 10 kids seems to have some type of hyperactivity disorder, trying to corral them in a busy airport can be quite challenging.

I was sitting across from a mother who had three kids in the 3-5 year old range. These kids were running all over the place, completely ignoring the mother's repetitious pleas to settle down. At some point, the kids all seemed to get hungry at the same time. As they headed back to the seating area to grab their grub, they resembled a bunch of puppies jostling for position at the food bowl. They started to pull their meals out of a large bag next to where their mother was sitting. Frantically grabbing at the contents of the bag, chunks of food rained down on the carpet below. I'm not really sure what type of food was in the bag. But judging by the big grease stain on the bottom, I'm pretty sure it wasn't loaded with fruits and vegetables..

Well anyway, the kids grab their food and then take adjacent seats directly across from me. They then proceed to devour the food like a pack of hungry wolves. Some of it winds up in their mouths but the majority of the food winds up on the floor. By the time they were done, the seating area looked like the bottom of a fast-food dumpster. I envisioned the cleaning crew walking up on this after we boarded the plane and exclaiming, "WTF!? I think we need a raise!"

Meanwhile, the mother conveniently ignored the mess as she devoured what appeared to be a large burrito. It must have tasted really good because she almost appeared to be making love to it. She carefully manipulated the cheese-filled tortilla in order to land the biggest bite possible. I desperately hoped that this woman didn't decide to sit next to me on the plane. When the after-effects of the burrito kicked in at 30,000 feet, I wanted to be on the other end of the plane. The cabin pressure would be no match to what was currently building up in this woman's digestive system.

My thoughts were quickly interrupted by a sharp, hideous twanging sound. As I turned my attention back to the kids, I saw one of them with a small nylon-stringed guitar. The greasy food must have given him a temporary burst of energy. He strummed the guitar as loud as he could. With every twang, people in the waiting area flinched as if they were hearing nails on a chalkboard. This almost classified as cruel and unusual punishment. I glanced at the mother in hopes of shooting her a "can you please do something about this" look. But her full attention was still dedicated to tearing up her burrito. My fear was that her little Elvis-wannabe would serenade us all the way to Denver.

When we finally boarded the plane, I took a seat near the front. The woman and her kids came aboard a short time later. I broke into a sweat as they came down the aisle towards me. I felt like I was pulled up the hill on a large roller-coaster. I impulsively gripped the handles of my seat and braced myself for the imminent plunge. But today would be lucky day as the burrito family strolled past me and made their way to the back of the plane.

Although I made it through this without incident, my thoughts went back to the cleaning crew. They were probably already firing up their industrial-strength vacuum cleaners. I had a feeling that they'd be calling in the janitorial SWAT team before it was all over. I silently wished them luck as the plane left the ground and carried me away from the natural disaster......

kw