Beer Is Good Food

I remember the old Miller beer commercial: “When it’s time to relax, one beer stands clear……..” Like many other average guys, I like my occasional cold beer(s). All right, who am I trying to kid. I like A LOT of beers. Through the years, I’ve consumed so much beer that it’s a wonder I have any brain cells left. But, somehow, I continue to defy logic and live on!

I consider myself a bit of a beer connoisseur. At this stage of my life, I’ve sampled (and I use that term lightly) almost every variety. Light, dark, flavored, domestic, imported, wheat, unfiltered, etc. I have very seldom met a beer that I didn’t like. And it works both ways because a beer has never crossed my path that didn’t say, “Drink me!” As a result, we have built a rock solid relationship over the years.


The type of beer a man drinks can tell you something about him.

• A light beer drinker is possibly watching his weight and doesn’t really care about taste. Or, I dunno, he might just be a pussy.

• A micro-brewed beer drinker might be sophisticated and independent. He probably drives a BMW or an expensive sports car. He also might be an egotistical asshole.

• A straight up Budweiser drinker likely owns a pick-up truck stocked with Lynyrd Skynyrd CD’s. And he’s always got a 55-gallon drum of whup-ass he’s ready to dump on someone. So, do yourself a favor and stay out of this guy’s way! By the way, this is probably the same guy who will crush a beer can on his forehead.

• A person who sits at a bar and switches between different beers is a bartender’s worst nightmare. He’s probably a guy who can never make up his mind on anything. Or he might just have ADD.

• A person who drinks his beer out of a forty-ounce bottle in a paper bag probably owns an unregistered handgun and the latest Snoop Doggy Dogg CD.


Drunk (no pun intended) in moderation, beer not only tastes good but it becomes a conversation enhancer. After a couple of cold ones, I sometimes find myself uttering words that I didn’t know were in my vocabulary. For instance, after being three sheets to the wind, I might say something like, "Excuse my abruptness, but that's a delectable f*cking lunch meat tray!" Ironically, after too many beers, the uttering can quickly change to bumbling. Like Clint Eastwood used to say, “A man must know his limitations”. Personally, I often wind up saying, “In all of the confusion I kind of lost count. Was it five or was it six?” Wait a minute; Clint Eastwood said that too, didn’t he?

Another benefit of drinking beer is that it has the tendency to make people more interesting. I’m serious. Sometimes I’ll walk into a party and see people that I really have no interest in talking to. However, after knocking back a few pints, these idiots don’t seem that bad anymore. By the end of the night, I’ll usually say something like, “It was great talking to you. I really can’t understand why everyone thinks you’re an asshole.”

Think about it. Your wife asks you go to some boring social gathering. Relax. As long as there's beer there, you're going to meet some interesting people.

And, not that I’m talking from personal experience, but I’ve been told that beer can make members of the opposite sex seem MUCH more attractive. You walk into the bar and see Frankenstein’s daughter. By last call, she’s somehow transformed herself into Angelina Jolie. Not sure how this happens….

Benjamin Franklin was once quoted as saying, “Beer is proof that God loves us.” Interesting theory but I would like to add a line to Ben’s revelation: “Hangover’s are proof that God wants us drink in moderation.” Hangovers! What kind of bullshit is this? It’s like cashing in your winning lottery ticket only to be robbed as you leave the bank.

Anyone who’s ever been the victim of a hangover knows exactly what I’m talking about. After a night of fun and frolic, the fee will come due the next morning. And it will come in the form of a pounding headache, nausea and the general feeling of wishing you were somewhere or someone else. Chirping birds will feel like sledge hammers upon your skull. Walking from one end of the house to the other will feel like a cross-country journey. The ringing of the phone will be more than you can possibly handle! And of course, you’ll swear that you’ll never drink again but we all know that’s just the pain talking. If someone could ever come up with a hangover proof beer, he’d become an instant millionaire.

With this being said, beer is indeed good food. Cheers!

KW