Another Wal-Mart Adventure

I've voiced my fascination with Wal-Mart in the past. But it’s now reached another level for me. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m actually terrified of the place. This became evident to me yesterday…..

I dropped by the local Wal-Mart yesterday to pick up a few things. This, in itself, wasn’t an easy decision. I went back in forth in mind whether I should be just pay an extra few bucks and go to Target. But the cheap-skate in me finally won out. And into Wal-Mart I went.

I don’t really have a good explanation of what happened next. All I know is I walked through the door, took a quick glance at the surrounding shoppers, then I experienced some type of panic attack. Almost immediately, I felt as if I was just dropped into the set of The Night of the Living Dead (except many of these “zombies” had mullets). I try not to prejudge people, but this is truly the way I saw it.

It didn’t take long for me to break out in a nervous sweat and I had an instant urge to run out of there. I looked towards the exit door, but it was blocked by a crowd of shoppers and an cranky Wal-Mart employee who was checking receipts. They would probably catch me if I made a run for it. I’m not sure if they would eat me, beat me or simply release me. But I wasn’t taking any chances.

So, I had to improvise……..

Keep in mind, I was really confused and disoriented. My only thoughts were, “I’ve got to try to fit in with these people and I’ve got to make them think that I’m one of them!”

So, not having long enough hair to imitate a mullet, I simply ruffled it to give myself that “just woke up” look. To accent this look, I dropped my lower jaw and left my mouth open. I drooled a little too. To add a little flair, I started to drag my right leg behind me. At this point, I really started to believe in myself.

Now, keep in mind, if I put on this kind of charade anywhere else, I would probably be committed. But here, no one even batted an eye. My new look must have been totally convincing.

So, I circle around and hobble towards the exit door. During my initial escape attempt, I knock over one of those “Roll Back the Prices” signs with the big yellow smiley face. This obviously draws unwanted attention to me. From the looks of some of the shoppers, you would have thought I just kicked a puppy. I can’t help but think that the big Wal-Mart smiley face is some kind of religious symbol to them. As if I wasn't already upset enough, now I'm thinking that I might have committed some kind of sin!

In an attempt to "apologize", I rock back and forth and smack myself in the head several times. Amazingly, this works! And the shoppers immediately go back into their trance.

After what seems like an eternity, I approach the exit. I have to wait for a distraction before I attempt the final escape. As luck would have it, one of the cashiers forgot to remove the anti-theft tag off of some dude's WrestleMania DVD. As the guy goes through the exit door, alarms and lights start going off. Thank you, God! I immediately run through the door like an NFL full back busting through the goal line.

After I make it through the door, I keep on running. I don’t even look back. I jump into my car and leave rubber on the parking lot. I barley miss an incoming shopper who's driving towards me on riding lawn mower. Once I finally hit the open road, the emotion hits me like a ton of bricks. I realize that this could have been the end for me.

Is this an isolated event? Or has anything like this ever happened to you?


KW