New Years Resolutions

So, here we are at that time of the year where everyone will begin to make their resolutions for the upcoming New Year. Typically, people will resolve to lose weight, get a better job, start exercising, etc. All of these things would certainly be nice, but I have a few non-traditional resolutions for 2010.

In no particular order, my resolutions are:

• To stop cursing so much. But it’s going to have to wait until football season is over.

• To stop putting things off for the day. Instead I will put them off indefinitely.

• To stop confusing Joan Rivers with the Joker from Batman.

• To start taking my camera with me to Wal-Mart. I have missed way too many Kodak moments over the past year!

• To buy bigger clothes. That diet thing isn’t working too well.

• To stop being so verbally abusive to telemarketers. I will try my best to simply hang up on them.

• To stop trying to understand why the fattest girls wear the “clingiest” clothes.

• To learn Spanish so I’ll be able to get through the line faster at the DMV.

• To stop being so hard on stupid people.

• To stay out of Home Depot. It almost always translates into extra work for me.

• To learn how I can qualify for some of that “government cheese”. Working every day and paying taxes doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.

• To buy a new bathroom scale. The current one seems to be off by 30-40 pounds.

• To drink more beer. Since I cut back on my drinking a couple of months ago, I’ve gained ten pounds. I guess there’s some kind of weight loss characteristic in alcohol?

• To be more open-minded. Yes, I’m always right, but I should at least humor people that aren’t as smart as me.

• To buy a snow blower. Working the old traditional shovel makes me feel so Amish.

• To buy more lottery tickets. Happiness is becoming an instant millionaire.

• To stay off of the dance floor when I’m drinking. It’s only a matter of time before someone gets hurt.

• To cut back on Red Bull and sleeping pills. I’m starting to feel like Elvis.

• To stay away from spicy foods. As I get older, Old Bay seasoning gives a new meaning to fire in the hole!


I know it’s a tall list and I might not be able to accomplish everything. But a man must have goals!

I look forward to sharing more stories, rants and adventures in the upcoming year. Wishing all of you a safe and Happy New Year.

KW