Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Splish, Splash, I Was Taking A Bath

For the record, I am not a bath person. I have many reasons for preferring a shower. And my latest adventure is just one of them......

Last Friday, I was preparing to come home from a week-long business trip. I eagerly packed my suitcase and got ready to take my morning shower. The hotel bathtub had one of those pull-up gadgets on the faucet that transferred water to the shower head. I had taken a shower each of the previous four days without an issue. But on this particular day, I must have pulled a little too hard and wound up breaking the transfer gadget. Maybe the extra protein from all of the steak and seafood that I ate during the week gave me a burst of Popeye strength? Who knows? But nonetheless, I now had a serious problem on my hands.

I didn't have time to wait for the hotel maintenance people to fix it. So, I attempted to play Joe the Plumber. How hard could it be? So, for the next twenty minutes, I fumbled with the small plastic and rubber parts while cursing like a gansta rapper. I finally gave up and sat on the edge of the tub contemplating my options. I had to face reality. Either I was going to have skip the personal hygiene altogether, thus sharing the smell of stale beer, cigars and perspiration from the previous day with everyone I encountered throughout the day. (This would have been a real treat for whoever was lucky enough to sit next to me on the three hour plane ride back to Baltimore!) Or I was going to have to bite the bullet and take a good ol' fashioned bath! And this is where the real fun started.......

With an equal mixture of irritation and confusion, I started the bath water (I think they call this "drawing a bath"). I really had no idea what I was doing. I wondered if I should light a candle. Of course, with my luck, this could only end with the fire department showing up to put out the ninth floor!

After filling the tub up almost all the way, I got ready to submerge myself. Now, keep in mind, I've put on a few pounds over the past year. Anyway, I gingerly stepped into the tub and attempted to lower myself down. My wide body caused the bath water to begin to spill over the edge of the tub like a miniature Niagara Falls. I thought about pulling myself back up, but I wasn't so sure that I could. In all of the confusion, one of my my hands slipped. My portly ass came crashing down hard, forcing most of the water out of the tub. This, of course, caused a tidal wave to engulf the entire bathroom. Surf's up!

I was a little worried that water would start to drip through the ceiling in the room below me, so I quickly turned my attention back to the bath. I poured some shampoo on my head and lathered up. When it came time to rinse the shampoo out, I was at a crossroads. I was too big to drop my head under the bath water and I wasn't flexible enough to get my head under the faucet. To be honest, I think I might have drowned if I had tried either one of these things. So, my only choice was to reach for a glass that was setting on the bathroom sink. Stretching as far as I could, I grabbed the glass. But as I retracted myself back into the tub, the glass slipped from my hand and shattered on the bathroom floor.

All I could do is stare at the broken glass in disbelief as the shampoo began to dry on my hair. I had to do something quick. So, I basically started to scoop up handfuls of water from the tub and throw them at my head. I got most of the shampoo out but not before totally drenching everything in the bathroom.

By this point, I was done. I just wanted to get the hell out of this death trap. So, I pulled myself up and stepped out of the tub, carefully avoiding the minefield of broken glass that surrounded me. When I finally stood up, I realized that all of the towels had been soaked during the tsunami. So now, dripping wet, I walked back to my suitcase in search of a makeshift drying cloth. The only thing I could find was a t-shirt. But it did the trick.

During all of this madness, I walked bare-assed right past the open window. Yeah, it might have been seven in the morning, but the full moon was still clearly visible from room 927!

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally dried off and got myself dressed. I cleaned up the bathroom as best I could and headed downstairs to check out. When the hotel employee asked how I enjoyed my stay, I replied, "Absolutely fantastic!" I figured she would only laugh in my face if I told her about my adventures with the bath tub. Plus, I didn't want to be held responsible for any water damage to the room below.

From now on, it's showers or nothing!


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