Breathtaking Scents

The other day, as I got into an elevator, I was almost asphyxiated by the overwhelming stench of cheap perfume. Trying to hold my breath, I took a quick glance around to inventory the crowd. Figuring I might pass out at any second, I wanted to be able to provide a description to the police later.

There were two women chatting about a bimbo named Snooki, a UPS guy fumbling with his package (that didn't sound quite right) and a sweaty maintenance guy. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the smothering aroma of Eau de Toilette was coming off one of the Jersey Shore girls. I'm not kidding, my eyes were on fire and my nose was running like I had just ate one of those little maroon peppers in General Tso's chicken. And, most concerning, I thought my throat was going to close up. I started to think that someone may have pumped some mustard gas into the ventilation system. And speaking of gas, I've been in elevators after someone floated an air biscuit, and don't get me wrong, it was bad. But I would take it any day over the suffocating smell of this woman's cheap perfume!

When the doors finally opened, I immediately exited. I was extremely thankful that I didn't pass out. As I flushed out my lungs with some fresh air, things started to return to normal. When I finally got my head together, I realized that I got off on the wrong floor. I decided to not take any more chances, so I walked up three flights of stairs to get to my floor.

Why do people feel the need to bath in perfume? Just because they like it, doesn't mean that everyone else is going to like it. Sometimes it can be downright offensive. I remember reading an article about a woman who was fired because she refused to stop wearing perfume while working in a confined office space. At first I thought it was a bit ridiculous, but now that I think about it, she probably deserved it.

When I was a kid, my buddy (Mark) and I would frequent the local joke shop at the old Jumpers Mall. One of our favorite purchases were these stink bombs. They were little glass vials of what I'm guessing was liquid methane. I'm not kidding you, when you cracked one open, it smelled like a rotten egg on steroids! We would wander into the local video arcade on a Friday night (when it was most crowded) and nonchalantly bust one of these things. We would head to the exit door, knowing that it would take about ten seconds for the full smell to kick in. Once we made it safely outside, we would watch through the glass wall as the pandemonium set in. At first, everyone would look at each other as if to say, "Was that you?" A few seconds later, when the full effect kicked in, it was every man for himself. It was total chaos as people nearly trampled each other to get outside. To make matters worse, the putrid smell would linger for a long time leaving the Pac-Man and Asteroid machines to fend for themselves. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do, but we were kids, and back then it seemed funny as hell. If something like this happened today, they would probably call in the Haz-Mat team and Mark & I would be on the terrorist watch list..

Was our prank offensive? The stampede of nauseous teenagers tells me yes. But is it really that much different than an unprovoked ambush by an overly perfumed woman on an elevator??

kw