A Night At The Karaoke Bar

Over the weekend, I found myself in a karaoke bar on the southeastern coast of Delaware. Normally, I don't have that big of an issue with karaoke bars. Hell, if my head is numb enough after several drinks, I've even been known to get up and sing a song or two. But on this particular night, due to being bloated from an earlier crab feast, the thought of knocking back an abundance of Samuel Adams didn't appeal to me at all. So, I limited my drinking to an abundance of Coca-Cola.

First off, I'm always intrigued my the way some karaoke singers handle themselves. For instance, there are the ones who think that they are channeling Elvis through the PA system as they kick into the opening lines  "I Can't Help Falling In Love". I remember seeing one guy sing an Elvis song as his eyes were rolling back into his head. I didn't know whether to laugh or call 911. When he finally finished, I was expecting him to wipe his brow and toss the handkerchief to a girl in the front row of bar stools.

I was in a redneck dive-bar many years ago. As I entered the smoky barroom, a young 20-something girl was belting out a Reba McIntyre tune. I have to admit, she sounded pretty good. But what really got me was after she sang, she walked around peddling a "greatest hits" CD of her past karaoke performances. In a different setting this might have been acceptable. But trying to sell her stuff to the Pabst Blue Ribbon crowd had the same effect of a "Will Work For Food" guy making his rounds at a crowded intersection. The bar sitters mostly ignored her. After all, why would they shell out five bucks for her CD when the money could be spent more wisely on another round of PBR's?

But worse than the Elvis wannabes and the redneck karaoke queens are the people who can't sing at all. There was one guy the other night who simply mumbled the lyrics to each song. The worst part was that when he finished mumbling one song, he would immediately sign up to sing another one. Bartenders often cut off a guy when he has too much to drink. Karaoke DJ's should have the right to cut off lame-ass singers after they inflict cruel and unusual punishment onto the rest of the bar.

And I hate it when I'm forced into a karaoke performance. Like I said before, if I've had a few drinks, I usually have no issue burning people's ear with one of my Frank Sinatra renditions. But without any liquid courage, I don't want any parts of singing in front of a crowd. A few years ago, I met some old friends at a local hangout on a Friday night. Since I was on call for work, my partying was limited to a cheeseburger and a couple of artificially sweetened iced teas. Keep in mind, my friends were musicians who actually could sing. So, as the night goes on, my buddy requests "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen and then proceeds to drag me (kicking and screaming) up to the stage. I tell him that there's no way that I can sing Queen. Attempting to give me some impromptu advice, he tells me to grab my nuts on the high notes. Great! Well, I stood on stage with my friends feeling like a total idiot. As they actually did the singing, I "Britney Speared" it and lip-synced my lines. The song was only six or seven minutes, but it felt like two weeks!

And have you ever noticed the back slapping and congratulatory treatment that the regulars give each other? Someone will finish a song and as they walk back to their seat, other karaoke people will slap them on the back tell them things like, "Holy shit! For a minute, I thought I was listening to Celine Dion. You should make a record. Great job! No, really!" It reminds me of one of those awards shows where everyone walks around kissing one another's ass.

There are also the people who will show up "in costume". Some will wear cowboy clothes and others will dress like they're members of an 80's hair metal band. I've seen some of the wannabe rock guys play air guitar and even twirl the microphone ala Roger Daltrey. And of course, you can always expect a large group "performance" of the B-52's "Love Shack" or Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead Or Alive". These songs are like nails on a chalkboard for me. The most amusing thing about the drunken group performances is that it really tends to annoy the "professional" karaoke singers.

Years ago, after a few rounds with Jim Beam, I decided that things were getting a bit too serious and uptight in a local karaoke bar. So, in an attempt to loosen things up, I signed up my buddy (Rip) to do Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman". There were plenty of confused faces when he walked up on the stage. By the time he was midway through the song, I was laughing so hard that I nearly pissed myself. If I had to describe Rip's vocal style, I would say he sounds like a jealous moose in mating season. And to hear his unique vocals belting out the 70's ode to feminism was absolutely priceless. If there was a Grammy Award for karaoke, Rip would have won it for "Most Original Score". He got a thunderous applause and I had a pain in my side for three days from laughing so hard!

So, whether you're a performer or just an innocent bystander, I will give you two words of advice regarding karaoke.........drink up!

kw