Blizzard of 2016 - The Postmortem

A week after life was predicted to end for the Mid-Atlantic masses, things are now pretty much back to normal. So, what should we attribute to this miraculous survival story? For many, perhaps it was the piece of mind that came from having an abundance bread in the pantry. Others may have rode the storm by basking in the comfort of knowing that there were six full gallons of milk in the Fridge. Whatever the case, somehow we made it.....

During the past week, I've observed a few things. For instance, the first establishments to declare themselves open for business were the local bars. And no matter how treacherous the roads might have been, there will be no shortage of people who risked it all to get there. Of course, come Monday morning, these are the same people couldn't make it to work because the roads were too bad.

I have to admit, the road in front of my house was pretty bad. Even with our SUV, the snow was too high to drive. By Monday, my neighbors and I gave up hope on the likelihood of seeing a snowplow any time soon. So, we all did what we could to create a drivable path to the main road. And wouldn't you know it? Shortly after we finished, a snow plow came rolling around the corner. Funny how that happens, huh?

The one thing that drives me crazy after a snowstorm is a dirty car. For the past few days, every time I look at my salt-encrusted exterior, I have the impulsive urge to fire up the garden hose. Of course, I can't do that because the hose is frozen solid. My only salvation is the freeze-resistant wiper-fluid that cleans the windshield. However, the life of a clean windshield is inevitably cut short by random sprays of dirty road juice. I frantically pump the wiper handle to keep the washer fluid flowing. By the time I get to my destination, I feel like I have carpal-tunnel syndrome.

And don't you just hate it when you realize that you're down to your last drop of wiper fluid? You can feel the anxiety kick in as you attempt to squeeze out those last few drops. Eventually, the well runs dry and your windshield gradually takes on the look of dirty chalkboard. Feeling like Stevie Wonder, you squint and bob your head as you try to find any hint of transparency. You're soon forced to roll down the window and drive with your head exposed to the elements. Your face gets peppered with road salt as you desperately search for a gas station or drug store where you can buy an overpriced jug of fresh fluid. Sound familiar?

Okay, enough of my problems, let's take a trip to the city......

I hear things are really heating up in Baltimore in the aftermath of the storm. Countless cars are still being held hostage by the mounds of heavy snow. And people remain stranded in their homes as they angrily await the arrival of the snow plow. The road crews are challenged with finding a place to put the snow. They've been loading a lot of it up and dumping it at Camden Yards. With the way they're piling it up, they'll be lucky if it's melted by Opening Day.

There's also an uproar over the city's decision to fine people who haven't cleared their sidewalk. Residents are arguing that that the roads aren't even plowed yet, so therefore they shouldn't be expected to clear their sidewalks. What kind of logic is that? Unless you're elderly or disabled, there's no excuse to not have your sidewalk shoveled a week after the snowstorm. I guess they're waiting for the government to come and shovel it for them? The mayor has even tried to guilt these people into doing it by using the "do it for the children" mantra. (Like the kids are going to leave the warmth and comfort of their PlayStations to venture out in the snow....)

I'd be willing to bet that before long, the city will start supplying snow shovels to "needy" residents. The city "leaders" will perpetrate the myth that "a shovel in every home" will magically translate into snow-free walkways. But what they fail to comprehend is that, in order to operate effectively, snow shovels require human intervention. The reason that that people don't shovel their sidewalks isn't because they don't have shovels. It's because they're inconsiderate, lazy assholes.

But there is one bright spot to the heavy snowfall in Baltimore. I was recently told that there were no murders in the city over the weekend. What? How is this possible?? Instead of passing more gun laws, maybe Al Gore should organize a "snow dance" between the Eskimos and polar bears to make it snow on Baltimore year round!


kw