Fast Food

Sunday, March 8, 2009

You’ll hear a decent amount of criticism regarding fast food. But the bottom line is someone must like it. You’ll very rarely see a fast joint that isn’t crowded. And if that’s not enough proof, just glance at the ever changing McDonalds sign. How many burgers have they served? Something like ten billion trillion?

People eat fast food for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re in hurry. Perhaps they’re on a tight budget. Possibly they just want to keep their heart doctor employed. Regardless, fast food has a purpose in life.

I try to watch what I eat, but I still find myself frequenting these places. There are certain ones I like better than others. For instance, for a while there, I should have had a bumper sticker that said “I Brake For Arby’s”. I don’t know what it was about this place, but I used to have dreams about The Big Montana. That’s right, I’m talking about the king of the roast beef sandwiches, bud! Respect it.

Sadly, up until recently, there were no Arby’s in my area. So when I was in different parts of the country, I would pull into any Arby’s I saw along the way. I didn’t even have to be hungry. I just felt I had to take advantage of the situation. Probably a bit compulsive, but it is what it is.

My Arby’s obsession was finally cured when they opened one about a mile from my home. Now, it’s like, “I can eat that stuff anytime I want, so why bother anymore?” The thrill is gone…..

I also like Chick-Fil-A. Hands down, I think their chicken sandwich beats anyone. Sometimes, I’ll get a craving and pull into one of their drive-thru’s. One time, I drove towards the restaurant and noticed that the parking lot was not very crowded. I’m thinking, “Wow! What luck, I’ll be chowing down on that poultry patty before I know it!” Well, I’m waiting and waiting for the drive-thru attendant to open up the window. But it never happens. Now, I’m thinking, “Damn! They must have a lot of walk in customers today!” After several minutes, I say the hell with it and park my car and walk up to the main entrance. The door is locked. It’s the middle of the freggin’ afternoon and the door is locked! What kind of bullshit is this? Upon further inspection of the operating hours (posted on the front door), I see that they are closed on Sunday. Son of a bitch! Who closes a fast food joint on a weekend? Apparantly, Chick-Fil-A does!

Subway is a pretty decent place. Everything is usually fresh and your sub is born right before your eyes. However, I do have one complaint. Everything is pain stakenly premeasured! I always like to feel like I'm getting a little extra. When Taji is building my sub, I'll sometimes try to persuade him, "Hey bud, don't be afraid to throw another piece of salami on that cold-cut. I ain't driving.." Of course, I never get the bonus.

There are several other popular chains. Like Burger King. I can take it or leave it. However they do have a monster burger that defies logic. I think it’s some kind of triple Whopper or something. It contains something like 8000 calories and has more fat than Rosie O’Donnel’s ass. Instead of fries and a cola, these burgers should come with a defibrillator!

And McDonald has to be the Mack Daddy of all fast food joints. The golden arches are instantly recognizable to most people over the age of six months. When I’m looking for a quick cheap lunch, I’ll stop by and pick up a $1 double cheeseburger. Of course, I always order the $1 Diet Coke with it. I get tired of explaining this one. I very rarely drink regular soda. So, why would I order one with my double cheeseburger? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

And when I’m in a hurry, it never fails that the car in front of me will be ordering ten Happy Meals. These must really take some time to make because it never fails to hold up the drive-thru line. You can see the kids through the windows of the mini-van going ape shit! I have to admit it’s kind of funny but I always feel sorry for the poor mother who has to deal with the aftermath. If the kids are this wound up now, wait until the sugar from their cola and Happy Meal desert kick in! These thoughts always help me get through the delay.

I’m not a big fan of fries. So, I often opt just for a sandwich and a drink. Sometimes the counter person will ask if I want the value meal. I’ll tell them that I just want the sandwich and drink. Then, they’ll tell me that the meal is a better deal. I again tell them that I just want the sandwich and drink. In reality, the cash registers are set up by meal numbers. So, if you throw them a curve like I do, they’re clueless as to how to proceed. Almost always, a manager has to get involved. He’ll come over with a bit of an attitude and ask in a heavy foriegn accent, “What’s the problem?” By this time, I’ve had enough. This causes me to go into a Michael Douglas-like tirade. I respond “I JUST WANT A F*CKING SANDWICH AND DRINK! SON OF A BITCH! IS THAT SO HARD YOU NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING ASSHOLE? GOD DAMN!"

Then after a deep breath, I quietly ask, “Now, may I please have my cheeseburger and Diet Coke?”

Maybe I should just avoid fast food altogether………

KW

Drugs & Their Side Effects

Friday, March 6, 2009

It’s hard not to notice any of the new drugs as they hit the market. We are constantly being bombarded by magazine ads, TV commercials, billboards, etc. It seems like there’s a drug for any type of ailment, whether it be physical, mental or psychological. If you’re in pain, there’s a pill to numb you. If you’re blood pressure is high, there’s a pill to lower it. If you’re depressed, there’s pill to perk you up. If you suffer from erectile dysfunction, there’s a pill, well, to perk you up.

But it seems for as many ailments as these new prescriptions fix, they can also have the same number of side effects. Some of the side effects seem to be more dangerous that the ailment that they treat. I mean, you take a pill for depression but there’s a little problem with it causing erratic heart rhythms. Like that’s going to fill someone full of joy! Only time will tell if suicide or a heart attack crosses the finish line first.

One of the other side effects that I’ve heard of is anal leakage. Sure it sounds nasty, But can you imagine having to deal with it? How bad off do you have to be in order to risk a side effect like this? What do you tell your friends? “Yeah, my cholesterol levels are right on target. Oops, I’ll catch up with you later. I just shit myself again.” I think I would roll the dice and let my high blood pressure take care of itself!

And on the flip side, there's also a chance of constipation with certain narcotics. So, aside from being high as kite, you'll also be full of shit. Great!

There are several drugs out there to help you quit smoking. The most popular one being "the patch". One of the potential side effects of the nicotine patch is an irratating skin rash. So now, the friends that used to cringe at your second hand smoke will be made equally unconfortable by the sight of your new skin condition. The degree of uneasiness can be determined by how quickly they move away from you.

Sleep aids seem to be really popular these days. Lunesta and Ambience are a couple that come to mind. With some of these, there's a little side effect of sleep walking. This one has the potential to multiply into many other ailments. Think about it. You take a little blue pill at bedtime. A couple of hours later, you're in deep REM sleep. But your inner consciencenesss is nudging you to get a cupcake from the downstairs refridgerator. So, your overactive brain tells your inactive ass to pick itself up and head downstairs. You take one step onto the stairwell and go tumbling head over heals onto the landing. Now, not only are you awake, but you've also got a fractured vertabra to deal with! It kinda defeats the purpose if you ask me.

Moving on.....

The pills for impotence took the country by storm several years ago. Ironically, the first varieties of these were designed to regulate blood pressure. One of the “side effects” of the original blood pressure drug was a persistent hard-on. Genius! The drug companies seized the moment and boned up with a new marketing strategy. Viagra was born and the world got excited.

Of course, Viagra wasn’t without its own share of side effects. I always got a kick out of the commercial where the announcer says, “And for erections lasting more than eight hours, please consult a physician.” I’m wondering how many seventy year old men would listen to that bullshit. I'm thinking they would probably throw a hat on it and proudly parade it down Main Street. “Good afternoon, ladies. Just taking Richard and the twins out for a walk.” And for the more athletic guys, they might decide to do the backstroke down the river and yell, “Raise the drawbridge, you fools!”

Sometimes, I think the drug companies intentionally create the side effects so that they can sell you more drugs to treat those symptoms. Before long, things snowball and the local pharmacist is coming to you for pills!

KW

Let's Take A Ride

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I’ve owned about ten different cars since I started driving at the immature age of sixteen. And by conservative estimates, I figure I’ve driven over a half million miles since then. During my travels I’ve seen some crazy things as well as done some crazy things. I’ve seen accidents and have even been in a few accidents. And one particular time, about ten years ago, I was broadsided by a tractor trailer on the Washington beltway. Miraculously, I walked away without a scratch. It still boggles my mind to this day.

Each daily commute brings its own unforeseen adventure. Some are obviously more interesting than others. I’m often required to go into downtown Baltimore for work. These are usually the most eventful for a variety of reasons. I’d like to take you through a typical day in my driving life. So, how about strapping on your seatbelt and let’s take a little ride…..

I approach my car with a cup of coffee in one hand and my laptop, Day-Timer, granola bar, newspaper, cell phone and keys in the other. As I attempt to unlock the car door, I drop the keys. Predictably, the laptop, Day-Timer, granola bar, newspaper and cell phone eventually join my keys on the driveway. I bend down to pick them up, but not before glancing across the street and noticing my neighbors giggling their asses off. It’s a good thing that I’m in a hurry. Otherwise I’d walk over and ask them what’s so damned funny.

Eventually, I get everything picked up and get myself into the car. The next item of business is to make sure my radio is tuned to an AM talk radio station. And even though I’ve got a nice Bose sound system, I wouldn’t want to waste that superior audio quality on something like music. Plus, talk radio helps get me in the right mindset for my drive.

I wind my way of the neighborhood and head toward the local expressway. I’m not sure if someone is playing a game with me, but I seem to hit every damned red light along the way. And with every one, I can feel my blood pressure rising. As I finally get on the entrance ramp to the expressway, I see a line of cars in the right lane. It’s never easy, but I force myself in between a couple of unsuspecting motorists. (This is an acquired art, so please don't try it yourself.) As I approach a comfortable cruising speed, I start to loosen up and the blood pressure starts to come back down.

Before I can merge into center lane, I approach the next entrance ramp. I’m aware of the merging traffic but one particular moron doesn’t seem to be aware of me. He comes off the ramp with no blinker into my lane of traffic. Only because of my superior driving skills, I’m able to avoid him. For the time being, he winds up directly behind me, riding close to my bumper. My blood pressure starts to rise again, but I’m taking deep breaths and dealing with it. Then, out of nowhere the numb-nuts floors it, pulls up beside me and gives me the middle finger! Then he speeds off. Oh, now the blood pressure is off the charts! I take a big drink of my coffee and a bite out of my granola bar. Then I lay heavy on my gas pedal and pursue this knucklehead. He’s not flipping me off and getting away with it! So, while chasing him down, I’m thinking what bad things await in this guy’s immediate future. I quickly decide that throwing something at him is the best solution. So, while trying to maintain control of my accelerating car, I visually scan the interior of my car for something I can hurl. The best thing I can come up with is an empty water bottle. Yeah, that will teach him a lesson! The thud of a light weight plastic bottle across his windshield will surely intimidate him!

But in all of the excitement and searching for objects, I lose sight of the guy and he gets away. So, he lives to flip another day. Lucky bastard.

So it goes, and I continue my journey into the city. As I pass the other motorists on the Baltimore beltway, I take notice at how many of them are yapping on their cell phones. I would say three out of four are jawing away while trying to keep their focus on the road. They weave dangerously close to the adjacent lanes. I'm hoping none of them come close to me because I’ve still got the trigger finger on that water bottle. Things go without incident and I enter the B/W Parkway and continue towards the city that bleeds.

I can’t help but notice that as soon as I cross the city line, pot holes seem to appear out of nowhere. It’s like I’m suddenly driving across a mine field. I figure if I’m lucky enough to survive this ride, I’ll, at very least, need a front end alignment. I also notice the mounds of roadside hubcaps that have obviously been dislodged by the craters.

So, I bob and weave my way towards the stadium area. In addition to those pesky traffic lights, we now have to contend with red light cameras. Get your photo taken by one of these guys and you’re instantly $75 in the hole. Without elaborating on it, I’ll just say that red light cameras are bullshit.

So, traffic continues to move at a steady pace down Russell Street. That is until one of the traffic lights turns yellow. Now, there’s a scene of pandemonium. Half the people speed up and the other half lock up their brakes. Why? Because no one wants to get caught in the middle of the intersection by the red light camera! Ironically, the lying politicians say that these cameras are for “safety” purposes. To that, I again say, “Bullshit!”

As I get deeper into the downtown area, I start to notice the homeless people with their familiar signs on each corner. It’s the usual, “Will work for food” bullshit. Hey look, I don’t mean to come off cold hearted, but these guys won’t work for food. Let’s just say I’ve experienced their “sincerity” firsthand. Most of them only want enough money to buy a cheap bottle of scotch. Nonetheless, it is indeed upsetting to see these people every time I go downtown. But I have to focus on my mission at hand. I flip what's left of my granola bar to one of the beggars and continue on....

As I enter the heart of the city, the traffic naturally gets more congested. Throw in a lane closure here and a Fedex truck double parked there; things can get a little hectic. And let’s not forget the red light cameras. This is where there’s a fine line between patience and aggressiveness. So, I continue down Baltimore Street. Then I notice a woman with a cell phone in one hand something that appears to be a chicken leg in the other. She’s dancing to the obnoxiously loud car stereo in between bites of the chicken. And the best part is that she’s trying to merge into the next lane during all of this. And, amazingly, she’s not the least bit upset. It’s like she knows she’s going to get to her spot even if no one else does. And she doesn't appear to be in any particular hurry. I have to say, I admire her effort.

As my light finally turns green, I proceed a whole block before the very next light turns red. This trend continues all the way across the city. You would think that after so many years, someone in the city government would be able to get the lights synchronized. This not only compounds traffic congestion but it also wastes gas. The government’s answer? Buy a hybrid car.

My blood pressure is getting dangerous high at this point. I'm starting to feel my heartbeat in my head. I know I’ve only got a few blocks to go, but I’m starting to get worried. As my car coasts to a stop at the next red light, I’m ambushed by a guy with a dirty wet rag in one hand and a squeegee in the other. Before I know it, he’s sloshing the dirty rag across my clean windshield. Son of a bitch! It’s more than I can handle! I jump out of the car, go into a full Jim Palmer-like wind up and hurl the water bottle towards his skull.. Sadly, I missed but it didn’t matter. The guy turned white as a ghost and high tailed it out there so fast that he left his dirty rag and squeegee in the middle of Pratt Street. Normally, I would laugh at something like this. But this time all that comes out of my mouth is, “Run, you motherf*cker!”

I compose myself and try to nonchalantly ease myself back into the driver’s seat. I’m trying to convince myself that no one noticed what I just did. But the confused looks on the other driver’s faces tell me that I would be a topic of discussion throughout their day. I didn’t care, I finally felt relieved. It’s not good to let things build up. Every once in a while, it’s good to just pelt someone!

I finally make it to the parking garage of my place of business. I park my car and take the elevator down to the lobby. I nod to the security guard and board another elevator to take me to my place of business for the day.

As I make it to my floor, I’m greeted by an acquaintance who says, “Hey Ken, it’s great to see you. How have you been?”

I smile and say, “Never been better. Nice day out there, huh?”

Thanks for riding in with me today………:-)

KW

Churchill Busted

It’s to be expected that the new President will be treated with kid gloves by the American media. After all, he is The Messiah. But I’d like to point out one particular incident that basically got no exposure from the mainstream media. And I think it should have…..

When President Obama made his initial rounds of his new home, he made plans on redecorating the Oval Office to his own tastes. This is nothing new and is actually an expectation of any new President. I guess this is a way for the new President to stamp his identity on the spot where he’ll work for the next 4-8 years. It sounds reasonable to me. But one of the first “changes” our new President saw necessary was to get rid of a bronze bust of Sir Winston Churchill. He had it sent back to its proud owner, the British government.

Let’s back up a second and look at how it wound up in the Oval Office in the first place…..

Shortly after the terrorists’ attacks of September 11, British Prime Minister Tony Blair sent the bust to the White House. This was a token of solidarity from our transatlantic brother. It was Blair’s way of saying, “We’re in this with you!” And Blair stuck to his guns and Britain remained our strongest ally in this war just as they had in former global conflicts.

The Churchill bust was on loan to the US through January 2009. But the British government agreed to extend that loan through the first Obama term. Keep in mind, Winston Churchill is regarded as one of the world’s all-time greatest leaders. But Obama wasn’t interested in having him looking over his shoulder for the next four years. Could there be an underlying reason for this? If this is Obama’s way of fixing America’s “bad image” across the world, I think he’s off on the wrong foot.

I have to wonder if this has anything to do with the Mau Mau rebellion in Kenya in the 1950’s. You see, at that time Kenya was under British colonial rule. Kenya is of course, Obama’s homeland. And taking it one step further, one of the rebels who was tortured and imprisoned by the Brits during this rebellion was Hussein Onyango Obama. This man happens to be the grandfather of Barrack Hussein Obama. Hmmmm……

Could this be a personal grudge? Or is Obama just interested in pissing off our strongest allies around the world? Maybe he’s more interested in becoming buddies with countries like Iran and breaking bread with Hamas. Obama has already talked about sending the Palestinians $1 billion! Does he actually think that much of this money won't help to fund terrorism? And let's not forget that Obama's first televsion interview as Preseident was on Al Arabiya (an Arab station). I'm starting to wonder who's side this guy's on! And if Obama thinks that kissing the enemy's ass is good foreign policy, he should look at Jimmy Carter's Presidency and see how that worked out!

In the end, the Churchill bust was replaced with one of Abraham Lincoln.

KW

The Generational Theft Act of 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

Politicians are much like car salesmen. They both will tell you anything you want to hear in order to get your money. It really doesn’t matter that they rely on heavy bullshit to make their case. The ends to them definitely justify any means. And once they sucker you into the deal, you’re nobody to them. (Until, of course, the next time they need your approval on something). In defense of car salesmen around the country, I believe that they’re actually much more honest than politicians.

The latest Stimulus Package is a great example of this. With the economy in the tank, Democratic politicians saw a golden opportunity to pull the wool over America’s eyes (Hey, I know both parties are guilty of this. But it’s mainly the Dems in this case!) . They disguised the Stimulus Package as a catalyst that would jump start one of the worst recessions most American’s have ever experienced. It sounds good. But little did we know…….

For years, conventional wisdom told us to live within our means and save money our future. This sounded like a good idea and many people, like myself, lived this way. We controlled our frivolous spending and we put as much money into our 401k's (or other retirement funds) as we could afford. We had the security of knowing that there would be a large chunk of money growing as we approached retirement. Although we lived our lives responsibly, we foolishly trusted the government to behave the same way.

Many businesses, banks and individuals did NOT choose to do the responsible thing. They made foolish decisions and and lived life the was no tomorrow. They borrowed, spent and didn't save a dime. Eventually, the well ran dry. Businesses started reporting record losses and were on the verge of bankruptcy. Banks were loaning money to people who clearly couldn't afford to pay it back. And individuals continued to borrow, spend and rack up debt that they had no way of climbing out of.

Although there was plenty of blame to go around, the government had a large hand in all of this. ESPECIALLY in the mortgage meltdown. But the same government that oversaw the current financial crisis is now asking us to trust them to get us out of it. As Ronald Reagan once said, "The most frightening thing you'll ever hear is, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"

Well, now the government is here to "help".........

Uncle Sam is now going against conventional wisdom by trying to borrow and spend his way out of this mess. Yeah, yeah, I know what's you're thinking. Didn't the government get us into this mess by doing this very thing? Of course, they did. But they've got a plan this time. And our new President is oozing with hope. And they need us to trust then to do the right thing. Hey, I know they've been wrong many times before, but they say this time is different.

The printing presses are open and the new money is on it's way to a location near you. Although it's value is rapidly diminishing, the government still says to go out and spend. After all, it will stimulate the economy! It doesn't matter that this will only give an artificial boost to the economy. Dammit, we can spend our way out of this mess! Sure it will only be temporary, but it will at least keep us afloat until our shift is over. By the time the debt comes due, our grandchildren will have to deal with it. Hey, after all, irresponsibility got us into this mess. By God, let's let irresponsibility get us out of it!

Maybe there are some legitimate pieces to Obama's recent package. But there’s also a hell of a lot of wasteful spending. This thing is loaded with more pork than a redneck family reunion. Take note of where some of the money is going:


• $150 million will be spent on honey bee insurance (Yes, I'm serious.)

• $650 million for digital TV conversion coupons (And what part of the economy will this stimulate??)

• $13.9 BILLION on Pell Grants (I'm not totally opposed to this, but this is very bad timing.)

• $400 million on STD prevention (To be fair, this was finally axed due to heavy opposition by the Republicans. I guess Congress woke up and figured it was cheaper to tell people to buy condoms than to waste $400 million dollars!)

• $5.5 BILLION to redesign and furnish the Homeland Security Headquarters (Yep, that's certainly going to generate revenue!)

• $25 million for tribal alcohol and drug abuse reduction (I say let the Indians continue to smoke their peace pipes!)

• $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees (This was likely slipped in as an added bonus to reward the failing US auto makers)

• $30 million to preserve the wetlands (isn't this a swamp??) and the habitat of the endangered Salt Marsh Harvest Mouse in the SF Bay area (this is one of Nancy Pelosi's "pet" projects)


These are just a few things. There’s billions of more tax payer’s dollars being wasted on these pet projects. In a time of economic crisis, this is NOT the time to be going out on a pork barrel spending spree. The Democrats should be ashamed of themselves. What they’ve done is basically borrowed money to get us out of debt. Are we to believe that this $800 billion won’t have to be paid back? All I can say is best of luck to our future generations. God knows they’re going to need it!

And the worst part for people like myself, is that we have been penalized for doing the right thing all of these years. We have watched out retirement funds lose 50% (or more!) of their value. Anything that was in the common market is probably worthless by now. We are going to get no help with our mortgages, because after all, WE WERE RESPONSIBLE!!!

Considering the average length of a recession is eighteen months, I have to wonder what would have happened if the government did absolutely nothing. The government certain has a history of messing things up. And the American taxpayer is the one always left holding the bag. Winston Churchill once said, “For a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.”

And that's exactly what we appear to be doing......



KW

Tickets

Remember the good old days when you found out that your favorite band was coming to town? I remember walking up to the customer service department of the local Hecht’s store. That’s where you would by your concert tickets. Back then, I’m not 100% sure if it was run by TicketBastard or not. But you would wait your turn in line and anxiously keep glancing at the clock because for every minute that passed, your seats were drifting further and further back. But eventually, you were able to purchase your seats. And in most cases, you would be satisfied. The price seemed fair and the seats were usually close enough to the stage. And, unlike today, the “service charges” were minimal.

(By the way, my very first concert was a Ted Nugent show at the old Capital Center back in 1980. Keep in mind, Nugent was one of the top concert draws in the US at that time. I still have the ticket stub. The ticket price? $8.80.)

Fast forward to present day……

This past Saturday, I attempted to purchase two tickets for the Kenny Chesney show at Merriweather Post Pavilion in May. Tickets went on sale at precisely 10:00. So, I sat down in front of my computer and logged into my TicketBastard account a few minutes before 10:00. When it came time to buy, I put my order in for two tickets. I figured I’d get pretty decent pavilion seats because, after all, THEY JUST WENT ON SALE! Not the case. I could not buy two seats together in the pavilion. The only “seats” that were left were on the lawn. What a bunch of bullshit! How can roughly 16,000 seats sell out in less than half a second????

Look, it’s bad enough to have to pay the ridiculous face value of today’s tickets. But there are also the service fees, convenience fees, parking fees, facility fees, etc. Where does it end? If that’s not bad enough, you can’t even buy a ticket in the traditional way! Now, you’re almost forced to go to a retail broker (I think we used to call this scalping!) and pay two to three times the face value. What’s more troubling is that TicketBastard owns a company called Tickets Now. If you go to their website, you’ll see that MANY of the pavilion seats for the Chesney are now selling for insane amounts. Some are over $1000! How is this even legal?

There are many other scalping companies out there. And there’s also the old classified ads (or Craigslist) where people offer to sell you inflated tickets. I don’t understand this either. Isn’t this against the law? I mean, it wouldn’t be hard to catch these people, the person’s name and telephone number are right in the ad.

It’s funny, if you go to an Oriole’s or Raven’s game, they have dedicated “no scalping zones” What’s up with that? Does that mean if you’re out of “the zone” you’re free to charge whatever you want?

Hey, maybe they’ve changed the laws. Or maybe no one even cares. But I look at this as just another example of the average person getting screwed!

KW

The Gym

Friday, February 20, 2009

I’ve been going to gym fairly regularly for about the past 17-18 years. I’m not sure how much actual good it’s done for me, but at least mentally, I feel better for going.

Through the years, I’ve met some very interesting characters and seen some crazy things. Some of you may have seen experienced some of the same. Let’s look at a few examples.

Have you even noticed the burly power lifting guys? They’re the ones grunting and groaning while trying to lift ridiculous amounts of steel off of their chests. I swear, one time I thought someone shot a wild animal in the back of the gym! But it was just one of these primates squeezing out that last rep. On a rare occasion, one of the muscle-heads will ask me to “spot” him. I cringe when this happens, I try to act like I don’t hear him at first. When this doesn’t work, I turn into Robert DeNiro from Taxi Driver, “You talkin’ to me?” I mean it’s freggin’ frightening. I don’t want any parts of this bullshit! If this Neanderthal can’t lift this enormous amount of weight off of his chest, what makes him think that I can?

Years ago, I witnessed some steroid guys in action. They were a peculiar bunch. They would use this white chalk to help them grip the bar. They would have this shit all over the place! By the time they were done, it looked like a Pablo Escobar factory. The cleaning people definitely earned their money in that place!

To get in the mindset, these guys would smack the shit out of each other before they lifted anything. The lifter would be standing there with his eyes rolling back into his head. And he’d start shake his arms and legs in this strange rubberlike motion. His “friends” would then smack him across the face and yell motivating stuff like, “Come on, you pussy! Show me what you’ve got!!!” It was as disturbing as it was funny. As much as I wanted to laugh, I didn’t really want to get my ass kicked either.

Then, as if the poor bastard hadn’t had enough, he now had the actually lift the weight! So, he would pick it up, grunting like a wounded wildebeest, and attempt to complete his mission. The “friends” would be encouraging him by yelling things like, “Come on, you piece of shit! Is that all you got? My sister could out lift you!!” I’m watching this poor guy and thinking, “For God's sake! He’s going to f*cking kill himself! What are you guys doing???”

Afterward, these guys would congratulate each other like they had just won the Super Bowl. They’d give each other high fives as clouds of the chalk made the room appear like a smoky bar room. I wasn’t sure if I just witnessed an impressive lift or a gang initiation!

Ok, moving on, let’s tone it down a notch. God bless the senior citizens. I assume they come to the gym with good intentions. Some of them will pull themselves up onto the treadmill. Ten minutes later, they’ll fire the machine up to a speed of middle aged turtle with a bum leg. I’m not sure how much benefit they actually get out of this, but hey, at least they showed up, right?

Some of these folks will opt out on the cardio equipment altogether. Instead, they’ll congregate around one of the weight machines as if it were a corner table at a Dunkin’ Donuts. From the confused looks on the faces, it’s pretty clear that that have no idea what to do. Sometimes, I’ll offer to help them, but in their own way, they’ll tell me that they’ve got things under control.

While I was on one of the cardio machines this morning, an older gentleman plopped his big ass down on a weight machine in front of me. Sounds innocent enough, right? The problem is that his pants were obviously too low in the back and I was forced to stare into 6 inches of ass crack! Although it was only for about ten minutes, it seemed like an eternity! I felt like calling for one of the employees and saying, “Look at that bullshit. Are you guys running a family oriented gym here or what?” But I didn’t want to embarrass the fellow and I quietly absorbed the pain.

Another gripe I have deals with locker room etiquette. When I enter the locker room, I always find an unoccupied section of lockers and put my stuff in one of them. I like my privacy as most other people do. So, after my workout, I’ll change out of my workout clothes, wrap a towel around myself and head for the shower. The shower clears my head gets me ready for the day. When I’m finished, I quietly turn the corner and head back to my area. And it never f*cking fails! There will be a group of boneheads having a frat party right in front of my locker. I mean they have the whole damned room but they have to pick MY spot. Like my heap of sweaty clothes on the floor wasn’t a big enough hint for them? Maybe it’s just me but I don’t want a bunch of burly guys staring at my bare ass! In fact, I don’t want them any where near my ass! Man, this ticks me off!


KW