Fast Food

Sunday, March 8, 2009

You’ll hear a decent amount of criticism regarding fast food. But the bottom line is someone must like it. You’ll very rarely see a fast joint that isn’t crowded. And if that’s not enough proof, just glance at the ever changing McDonalds sign. How many burgers have they served? Something like ten billion trillion?

People eat fast food for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re in hurry. Perhaps they’re on a tight budget. Possibly they just want to keep their heart doctor employed. Regardless, fast food has a purpose in life.

I try to watch what I eat, but I still find myself frequenting these places. There are certain ones I like better than others. For instance, for a while there, I should have had a bumper sticker that said “I Brake For Arby’s”. I don’t know what it was about this place, but I used to have dreams about The Big Montana. That’s right, I’m talking about the king of the roast beef sandwiches, bud! Respect it.

Sadly, up until recently, there were no Arby’s in my area. So when I was in different parts of the country, I would pull into any Arby’s I saw along the way. I didn’t even have to be hungry. I just felt I had to take advantage of the situation. Probably a bit compulsive, but it is what it is.

My Arby’s obsession was finally cured when they opened one about a mile from my home. Now, it’s like, “I can eat that stuff anytime I want, so why bother anymore?” The thrill is gone…..

I also like Chick-Fil-A. Hands down, I think their chicken sandwich beats anyone. Sometimes, I’ll get a craving and pull into one of their drive-thru’s. One time, I drove towards the restaurant and noticed that the parking lot was not very crowded. I’m thinking, “Wow! What luck, I’ll be chowing down on that poultry patty before I know it!” Well, I’m waiting and waiting for the drive-thru attendant to open up the window. But it never happens. Now, I’m thinking, “Damn! They must have a lot of walk in customers today!” After several minutes, I say the hell with it and park my car and walk up to the main entrance. The door is locked. It’s the middle of the freggin’ afternoon and the door is locked! What kind of bullshit is this? Upon further inspection of the operating hours (posted on the front door), I see that they are closed on Sunday. Son of a bitch! Who closes a fast food joint on a weekend? Apparantly, Chick-Fil-A does!

Subway is a pretty decent place. Everything is usually fresh and your sub is born right before your eyes. However, I do have one complaint. Everything is pain stakenly premeasured! I always like to feel like I'm getting a little extra. When Taji is building my sub, I'll sometimes try to persuade him, "Hey bud, don't be afraid to throw another piece of salami on that cold-cut. I ain't driving.." Of course, I never get the bonus.

There are several other popular chains. Like Burger King. I can take it or leave it. However they do have a monster burger that defies logic. I think it’s some kind of triple Whopper or something. It contains something like 8000 calories and has more fat than Rosie O’Donnel’s ass. Instead of fries and a cola, these burgers should come with a defibrillator!

And McDonald has to be the Mack Daddy of all fast food joints. The golden arches are instantly recognizable to most people over the age of six months. When I’m looking for a quick cheap lunch, I’ll stop by and pick up a $1 double cheeseburger. Of course, I always order the $1 Diet Coke with it. I get tired of explaining this one. I very rarely drink regular soda. So, why would I order one with my double cheeseburger? That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

And when I’m in a hurry, it never fails that the car in front of me will be ordering ten Happy Meals. These must really take some time to make because it never fails to hold up the drive-thru line. You can see the kids through the windows of the mini-van going ape shit! I have to admit it’s kind of funny but I always feel sorry for the poor mother who has to deal with the aftermath. If the kids are this wound up now, wait until the sugar from their cola and Happy Meal desert kick in! These thoughts always help me get through the delay.

I’m not a big fan of fries. So, I often opt just for a sandwich and a drink. Sometimes the counter person will ask if I want the value meal. I’ll tell them that I just want the sandwich and drink. Then, they’ll tell me that the meal is a better deal. I again tell them that I just want the sandwich and drink. In reality, the cash registers are set up by meal numbers. So, if you throw them a curve like I do, they’re clueless as to how to proceed. Almost always, a manager has to get involved. He’ll come over with a bit of an attitude and ask in a heavy foriegn accent, “What’s the problem?” By this time, I’ve had enough. This causes me to go into a Michael Douglas-like tirade. I respond “I JUST WANT A F*CKING SANDWICH AND DRINK! SON OF A BITCH! IS THAT SO HARD YOU NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING ASSHOLE? GOD DAMN!"

Then after a deep breath, I quietly ask, “Now, may I please have my cheeseburger and Diet Coke?”

Maybe I should just avoid fast food altogether………

KW