Let's Take A Ride

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I’ve owned about ten different cars since I started driving at the immature age of sixteen. And by conservative estimates, I figure I’ve driven over a half million miles since then. During my travels I’ve seen some crazy things as well as done some crazy things. I’ve seen accidents and have even been in a few accidents. And one particular time, about ten years ago, I was broadsided by a tractor trailer on the Washington beltway. Miraculously, I walked away without a scratch. It still boggles my mind to this day.

Each daily commute brings its own unforeseen adventure. Some are obviously more interesting than others. I’m often required to go into downtown Baltimore for work. These are usually the most eventful for a variety of reasons. I’d like to take you through a typical day in my driving life. So, how about strapping on your seatbelt and let’s take a little ride…..

I approach my car with a cup of coffee in one hand and my laptop, Day-Timer, granola bar, newspaper, cell phone and keys in the other. As I attempt to unlock the car door, I drop the keys. Predictably, the laptop, Day-Timer, granola bar, newspaper and cell phone eventually join my keys on the driveway. I bend down to pick them up, but not before glancing across the street and noticing my neighbors giggling their asses off. It’s a good thing that I’m in a hurry. Otherwise I’d walk over and ask them what’s so damned funny.

Eventually, I get everything picked up and get myself into the car. The next item of business is to make sure my radio is tuned to an AM talk radio station. And even though I’ve got a nice Bose sound system, I wouldn’t want to waste that superior audio quality on something like music. Plus, talk radio helps get me in the right mindset for my drive.

I wind my way of the neighborhood and head toward the local expressway. I’m not sure if someone is playing a game with me, but I seem to hit every damned red light along the way. And with every one, I can feel my blood pressure rising. As I finally get on the entrance ramp to the expressway, I see a line of cars in the right lane. It’s never easy, but I force myself in between a couple of unsuspecting motorists. (This is an acquired art, so please don't try it yourself.) As I approach a comfortable cruising speed, I start to loosen up and the blood pressure starts to come back down.

Before I can merge into center lane, I approach the next entrance ramp. I’m aware of the merging traffic but one particular moron doesn’t seem to be aware of me. He comes off the ramp with no blinker into my lane of traffic. Only because of my superior driving skills, I’m able to avoid him. For the time being, he winds up directly behind me, riding close to my bumper. My blood pressure starts to rise again, but I’m taking deep breaths and dealing with it. Then, out of nowhere the numb-nuts floors it, pulls up beside me and gives me the middle finger! Then he speeds off. Oh, now the blood pressure is off the charts! I take a big drink of my coffee and a bite out of my granola bar. Then I lay heavy on my gas pedal and pursue this knucklehead. He’s not flipping me off and getting away with it! So, while chasing him down, I’m thinking what bad things await in this guy’s immediate future. I quickly decide that throwing something at him is the best solution. So, while trying to maintain control of my accelerating car, I visually scan the interior of my car for something I can hurl. The best thing I can come up with is an empty water bottle. Yeah, that will teach him a lesson! The thud of a light weight plastic bottle across his windshield will surely intimidate him!

But in all of the excitement and searching for objects, I lose sight of the guy and he gets away. So, he lives to flip another day. Lucky bastard.

So it goes, and I continue my journey into the city. As I pass the other motorists on the Baltimore beltway, I take notice at how many of them are yapping on their cell phones. I would say three out of four are jawing away while trying to keep their focus on the road. They weave dangerously close to the adjacent lanes. I'm hoping none of them come close to me because I’ve still got the trigger finger on that water bottle. Things go without incident and I enter the B/W Parkway and continue towards the city that bleeds.

I can’t help but notice that as soon as I cross the city line, pot holes seem to appear out of nowhere. It’s like I’m suddenly driving across a mine field. I figure if I’m lucky enough to survive this ride, I’ll, at very least, need a front end alignment. I also notice the mounds of roadside hubcaps that have obviously been dislodged by the craters.

So, I bob and weave my way towards the stadium area. In addition to those pesky traffic lights, we now have to contend with red light cameras. Get your photo taken by one of these guys and you’re instantly $75 in the hole. Without elaborating on it, I’ll just say that red light cameras are bullshit.

So, traffic continues to move at a steady pace down Russell Street. That is until one of the traffic lights turns yellow. Now, there’s a scene of pandemonium. Half the people speed up and the other half lock up their brakes. Why? Because no one wants to get caught in the middle of the intersection by the red light camera! Ironically, the lying politicians say that these cameras are for “safety” purposes. To that, I again say, “Bullshit!”

As I get deeper into the downtown area, I start to notice the homeless people with their familiar signs on each corner. It’s the usual, “Will work for food” bullshit. Hey look, I don’t mean to come off cold hearted, but these guys won’t work for food. Let’s just say I’ve experienced their “sincerity” firsthand. Most of them only want enough money to buy a cheap bottle of scotch. Nonetheless, it is indeed upsetting to see these people every time I go downtown. But I have to focus on my mission at hand. I flip what's left of my granola bar to one of the beggars and continue on....

As I enter the heart of the city, the traffic naturally gets more congested. Throw in a lane closure here and a Fedex truck double parked there; things can get a little hectic. And let’s not forget the red light cameras. This is where there’s a fine line between patience and aggressiveness. So, I continue down Baltimore Street. Then I notice a woman with a cell phone in one hand something that appears to be a chicken leg in the other. She’s dancing to the obnoxiously loud car stereo in between bites of the chicken. And the best part is that she’s trying to merge into the next lane during all of this. And, amazingly, she’s not the least bit upset. It’s like she knows she’s going to get to her spot even if no one else does. And she doesn't appear to be in any particular hurry. I have to say, I admire her effort.

As my light finally turns green, I proceed a whole block before the very next light turns red. This trend continues all the way across the city. You would think that after so many years, someone in the city government would be able to get the lights synchronized. This not only compounds traffic congestion but it also wastes gas. The government’s answer? Buy a hybrid car.

My blood pressure is getting dangerous high at this point. I'm starting to feel my heartbeat in my head. I know I’ve only got a few blocks to go, but I’m starting to get worried. As my car coasts to a stop at the next red light, I’m ambushed by a guy with a dirty wet rag in one hand and a squeegee in the other. Before I know it, he’s sloshing the dirty rag across my clean windshield. Son of a bitch! It’s more than I can handle! I jump out of the car, go into a full Jim Palmer-like wind up and hurl the water bottle towards his skull.. Sadly, I missed but it didn’t matter. The guy turned white as a ghost and high tailed it out there so fast that he left his dirty rag and squeegee in the middle of Pratt Street. Normally, I would laugh at something like this. But this time all that comes out of my mouth is, “Run, you motherf*cker!”

I compose myself and try to nonchalantly ease myself back into the driver’s seat. I’m trying to convince myself that no one noticed what I just did. But the confused looks on the other driver’s faces tell me that I would be a topic of discussion throughout their day. I didn’t care, I finally felt relieved. It’s not good to let things build up. Every once in a while, it’s good to just pelt someone!

I finally make it to the parking garage of my place of business. I park my car and take the elevator down to the lobby. I nod to the security guard and board another elevator to take me to my place of business for the day.

As I make it to my floor, I’m greeted by an acquaintance who says, “Hey Ken, it’s great to see you. How have you been?”

I smile and say, “Never been better. Nice day out there, huh?”

Thanks for riding in with me today………:-)

KW