Black Friday - A Survivor's Story

It never fails. On the busiest shopping day of the season, I find myself needing some mundane item. Last year it was an extension cord. This year it happened to be a cable for my computer. Could I live without these things for a day or two? Maybe. But I decided to venture into the stores anyway.

As I pull up into the Best Buy parking lot, I can tell it’s going to be an adventure. There are countless cars roaming around looking for parking spaces. It kind of reminds me of sharks searching for a baby seal. Eventually, I pull into a spot at the far end of the parking lot. The thought of walking a mile and a half to the store starts to discourage me. Immediately, the old Clash song, “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” starts pounding through my brain.

As I approach the store, I can tell that this was a bad idea. People are actually squeezing through the front door sideways! So, I follow suit and squeeze my big ass through there as well. Once I’m inside, I immediately wish I was outside. The place is absolutely jam packed! This has to violate every fire code law there is. But, in the name of profitability, the shopping must go!

The whole scene is surreal. I haven’t seen so many people carrying TV’s since the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina! Even pre-school kids are carrying huge video game boxes as they bump into everyone yelling, “Mom! Can I get this? Please!!”

I make my way to the section where the computer cables are. Of course, there’s a group of people blocking my way. So, I start jumping up and down as if I'm on a pogo stick in order to find the right cable. I'm red as a beet and out of breath, but I finally see it. Quickly adapting to my new surrounding, I lunge over top of the hostile crowd and try to snatch the cable. The first time I miss, and it’s a little embarrassing. At least five people turn and look at me as if to say, “What the hell are you doing??”

So, I play it off for a minute or two, hoping everyone will forget about me. Taking short controlled breaths like an Army sniper, I try to time my next lunge more carefully. This time, I knock over a middle-aged woman with a mullet haircut (I was in Glen Burnie). An unfortunate civilian casualty. The good news is that I snatched the cable! In one fluid motion, I stumble toward the exit. I looked like Rocky after he went a few rounds with Apollo Creed.

And just when I think that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I see the check out line. To my horror, it’s backed up to the end of the store! Now, what? Do I wait in line for three hours to pay for a $10 cable? I never advocate stealing, but the thought of sticking this thing in my pocket and stumbling out the door does indeed cross my mind. I figure that even if I get caught, I'd be out of the police station in less time than I'd spend  in this line. But, even under these most trying circumstances, I can’t do it.

So, I scan the endless check out line for someone I can connect with. I overhear two guys near the front of the line having a political conversation. I listen closely  to see if their from the left or right. Then I hear one of them referring to Nancy Pelosi with a barrage of four letter words. My big break! So, I nonchalantly chime in with, “You got that right!” It doesn’t take long before I’m fully engaged in their conversation. In fact, I take over their conversation. Before you know it, they’re patting me on the back and giving me high-fives. I sensed that the rest of the line was whispering, "Look at that asshole."  But to my two new friends, I was the man!

Shortly afterwards, my new friends’ are called to the register to check out. I immediately shift gears, hand them ten bucks and say, “Damn guys, I enjoyed our conversation so much, I forgot all about this cable. Could you do me a favor?"

Of course, they said, “Absolutley!” And I was home free! For a split second, I felt a little guilt. But it quickly passed.

My friends, this is a survival story. Due to my quick thinking and total disregard for my own safety, I won this battle. Many others aren’t so lucky. Shopping on Black Friday is an extremely dangerous endeavor. If you choose to venture out, proceed with extreme caution. Please heed my warning…


KW