The Senior Bikers Of Glen Burnie

I could probably write a book on the idiosyncrasies of the place I used to call home, Glen Burnie, MD. But I’ll save that chore for another day. Today, I’m going to address the rather peculiar phenomenon of old men and mopeds.

Yes, that’s right, silly old men impeding traffic around town driving these silly looking “bikes”. If you get stuck behind one of them, don’t plan on getting anywhere on time. Because I’m guessing these things top out at an annoying 10 miles per hour. That’s great if you’re ten years old, but how can a grown man feel good about that?

These guys are in a class by themselves. I’m not sure if I would call them a gang. But I guess you could consider them some type of club. And their clubhouse is the local Dunkin’ Donuts. You’ll see their “bikes” neatly lined up out front as the members congregate inside over endless cups of coffee. I can only imagine what they talk about.

The typical “biker” looks something like this: Long gray hair, full beard, flannel shirt, faded "hi-water" jeans and old dirty tennis shoes. Occasionally, one might wear a pair of work gloves or a scarf. My guess is that they're going for that "homeless" look. And there always seems to be an object strapped behind the seat for the world to see. It could be anything from a bottle of Geritol to a blow-up doll. Yes, it’s strange. That’s what I’m trying to tell you!

When these guys decide to go on a “run”, they inevitably piss off all of the drivers with real vehicles. And let me tell you, Glen Burnie isn’t the most forgiving place. You’ll hear terms of endearment like, “Hey, you old bastard, get the f*ck out of my way!” And one time, I saw someone roll down their window and chuck a Mountain Dew can at one of the poor bastards. Of course, the old men are oblivious to the whole situation.

It doesn’t take long for a long line of cars to collect behind one of these guys. I’m wondering if this has ever made the official traffic reports. I can hear it now: “We’ve got some slowing on the east side of 695 due to some road work. And, this just in, we’ve got a three mile backup on B&A Blvd. due to some clueless asshole on a moped!”

I did have the rare occasion of seeing a young guy on a moped recently. But being in Glen Burnie, you know there’s a twist. Sure enough, the guy weighed about 350 pounds! Both halves of his ass where spilling over each side of the seat. It looked like Fudgy The Whale trying to swallow the Gordon’s fisherman! And the worst part about it is that we were going uphill! I have to admit, I really felt sorry for the poor moped. But somehow, after what seemed like a week, the guy finally made it up the hill. I guess he bought the model with the diesel engine.

Anyway, I think you can see how ridiculous this whole thing can be. Just beware if your driving through….


KW