The Gym Revisited

Well, after several months of laziness and bad eating habits, I finally forced myself back into the gym this week. I’ll have to admit, I went kicking and screaming, but I did go. So after finally getting in a few workouts, I expected to feel better. But quite the contrary. I actually feel like I just went through the extended cycle of a heavy duty washing machine!

No pain, no gain. Isn’t that what they say?

And if the pain and discomfort isn’t enough, I got on the scale yesterday and realized that I’ve gained a couple of pounds! What kind of bullshit is that? Exercise is supposed to help you lose weight! I explained my frustration to one of my buddies in the gym. In an effort to not discourage me, he tells me that I’m probably building up muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. As much as I’d like to believe him, the noticable jiggle of my man boobs convinces me otherwise.

Several gym buddies asked where I’ve been for the past few months. Too embarrassed to tell them the truth, I made up a story about being in jail for nut-kicking the Oriole’s bird. I don’t know, it seemed to sound more dramatic than saying I’ve been lying around drinking beer and watching Sopranos reruns.

And even though it’s been a while, the characters in the gym remain the same. For instance, the most overweight women still insist on wearing the tightest clothes. And it’s not just the tightness that disturbs me. They wear those clingy polyester-type pants that highlight every dimple of cellulite from their ass to their cankles. Ladies, for the love of God, please stop it!

And of course, the bulky muscle heads are still there trying to lift ridiculous amounts of weight. I want to try to get a couple of huge (but very light) plastic dumb-bells that have “200 lbs” etched into each side. As I prepare to lift these things, I’ll call one of the muscle heads over to spot me. As I “struggle” to lift the weight, I’ll grunt and yell out like a wounded wildebeest with Tourette’s syndrome. “Whoa, bitch! Watch me! Watch me! You got it?? One more rep! ONE MORE REP!!!” It would be interesting to say the least.

And I don’t get this. When I look around the gym, 99% of the people are overweight and out of shape. Quite different than the Bally’s commercials where everyone has a sculpted body with 3% body fat. Why don’t I ever see these people when I’m at the gym? Maybe they sneak in at two in the morning while the rest of us fat-asses are sleeping? Who knows?

And something else that bothers me is that there is a McDonalds right across from my gym. Talk about about something that can break a man's spirit. This would be like the stadium beer man setting up outside of a AA meeting. "Budweiser here! Get cha cold Budweiser!"

With this being said, my plan is to continue a regular routine and not go on another four month hiatus. We’ll see how that works out…….

KW