In the overall scheme of things, flying seems to make more sense than driving. Why would you want to drive two or three days when you can jump on a plane and be there in a few hours? The good points probably outweigh the bad. But in usual fashion, I’m here to tell you about the bad side….
First off, just getting to the airport can be a chore within itself. The outside of the airport can be pandemonium. Crazy foreign cabbies cut off the shuttle busses while confused housewives drop their frantic husbands off at the terminal. The whole scene is best viewed from a distance.
Once you finally get inside the terminal, you’ll usually have to wait in a long line to get your boarding pass. This is also the same place where you’ll usually pay an additional fee for having the airline check your bag(s). I don’t get this. Most people carry at least one piece of luggage. Why charge them for this? This is like charging a person for bringing their head with them. I better watch what I say; I don’t want to give the airlines any new ideas!
After finally getting your boarding pass, you’re forced to go through a security screening by the intellectual giants of the TSA. On one of my last flights, I had to practically disrobe in order to get their approval. I thought for sure a full body cavity search was in the works! For the record, I would walk to my destination before I let these assholes search my …..….. oh nevermind!
Eventually, if you’re lucky, you actually make it the boarding gate on time.
As a result of the baggage fees, many passengers don’t check their bags. Instead, they carry them aboard. Although the rules clearly explain how large a carry-on can be, most passengers conveniently ignore it. They’ll bring aboard suitcases big enough to hide Oprah Winfrey's ass! This creates another set of problems as there is only so much overhead storage space inside. This always pisses me off because, you see, I play by the rules. I bring only a small laptop case. But because of all the inconsiderate assholes bringing their luggage onboard, there’s no room in the overhead bin for it. It's bullshit, I tell ya!
Once I get seated, it doesn’t take me long to realize that comfort isn’t part of the airline’s plan. Unless you’re one of the munchkins from the Land of Oz, legroom isn’t an option. My knees are already touching the seat in front of me. Then, the asshole sitting in it decides to recline. Of course, I’m pissed but what can I say? For a split second, I think about reaching over the seat and yanking the inconsiderate bastard's hair. But I decide it's probably not a good idea. So, there I sit resembling a praying mantis with my hands pinned up against my chest.
Shortly after taking off, the captain announces that it’s now safe to move about the cabin. At this point about half the passengers immediately stand up and head towards the bathroom. We just left the terminal less than 30 minutes ago. And now all of a sudden everyone has to piss??
The flight attendants soon begin pushing big metal carts down the aisle in order to dish out snacks. One of them leans over and asks me if I’d like a drink and/or a bag of pretzels. Looking up from the praying mantis position, I respond, “That sounds f*cking delectable!! But unless you’re going to feed it to me, I don’t see it happening.” She moves on up the aisle. Was it something I said??
The girl sitting next to me decides to start up a conversation. She tells me that this is her first trip to Baltimore. She wants to know what Charm City is known for. I tell her murder and gonorrhea. She nods and goes back to reading her in-flight magazine. I guess I wouldn’t be a very good tourist guide.
After an otherwise uneventful flight (this is a good thing), the captain instructs the flight attendants to prepare for landing. The plane makes a rapid decent and before long we’re back on the ground, safe and sound. I pass the flight crew on the way to the exit. I thank them for getting me home safe. The pilot smiles but the flight attendant that offered me the pretzels seems a bit hostile. What's her problem?
Once I gather up my bag from the luggage carousel, I bolt out to the parking lot to get back to my preferred method of transportation: my car. Flying is definitely the faster way to go, but it does indeed have its issues……
KW
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Ken, I was on a overseas flight to Germany a few years ago. Because of the contract we had, we got to fly Business class. I don't know if you've ever done it but on a long flight this is definitely the way to go. But of course like you, I had some problems.
ReplyDeleteBasically business class is domestic first class. Bigger, wider seats, more leg room, chairs that recline pretty much all the way, free booze, and decent food. If you've ever flown out of Dulles before, getting there can be half the battle, It would almost be faster to swim across the Atlantic. The other thing is, transatlantic flights from Dulles almost always leave in the evening, around 7 or 8 PM. If you want the get to the airport on time you need to get there around 4 or 5 so that means driving there in the middle of rush hour. So to get there at 5 you need to leave your house at 2 just in case. OK. we get on the plane and everything is going OK but behind me I hear a distinctive southern drawl between the 2 guys behind me. I'm sorry but a woman with a Southern drawl sounds sexy as anything but a guy with one just sounds dumb. So these 2 guys are talking and gradually getting louder and louder as their alcoholic intake increases. As they are getting louder, the kicking of my seat begins. At first I ignored it. But after 10 times or so, it started to get old. And its not like coach where you can't help it, you can park a small car between these seats. So I get up, turn around and just say can you guys stop? Of course I get the I'm sorry, we didn't realize. How can you not realize? You're f'in kicking my seat. It stops for a while then as the alcohol flows more and more it starts again. I ask again for them to stop. Now I get the what's your problem look but they stop.
Now, its well into the flight and people are starting to recline and go to sleep. So these guys a well into their 10th gin and tonic an I'm thinking time for these guys to pass out. So eventually they recline back and die down. I think grea,t so I recline back and attempt to go to sleep. I suck at sleeping on a plane but was really tired and started to doze off. Just as I was drifting off, I feel something hit my head. Being half asleep, I just brushed at whatever it was with my hand and put my head back down. It happened again. This time it stayed there. I looked back, and the guy behind me had his fu.king feet on my chair. I mean you have 3 feet between chairs so to do this you have to scoot way down in the chair. I pushed them off and laid back down. About 10 minutes later, he did it again. This time I stood up, pulled my seat upright while holding his feet. When his feet were clear of the chair, I dropped them. They hit pretty loud and woke the guy up. He mumbled something like what's your problem. I just glared at him and sat back down. Once again in 10 minutes he did it again. At this point I couldn't sleep anyway, pulled my seat up and watched movies for the rest of the flight.
Now, that's a airline story! I've experienced a few similar situations, but not quite that bad. I'm surprised you guys didn;t come to fistacuffs! LOL
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