It never fails. On the busiest shopping day of the season, I find myself needing some mundane item. Last year it was an extension cord. This year it happened to be a cable for my computer. Could I live without these things for a day or two? Maybe. But I decided to venture into the stores anyway.
As I pull up into the Best Buy parking lot, I can tell it’s going to be an adventure. There are countless cars roaming around looking for parking spaces. It kind of reminds me of sharks searching for a baby seal. Eventually, I pull into a spot at the far end of the parking lot. The thought of walking a mile and a half to the store starts to discourage me. Immediately, the old Clash song, “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” starts pounding through my brain.
As I approach the store, I can tell that this was a bad idea. People are actually squeezing through the front door sideways! So, I follow suit and squeeze my big ass through there as well. Once I’m inside, I immediately wish I was outside. The place is absolutely jam packed! This has to violate every fire code law there is. But, in the name of profitability, the shopping must go!
The whole scene is surreal. I haven’t seen so many people carrying TV’s since the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina! Even pre-school kids are carrying huge video game boxes as they bump into everyone yelling, “Mom! Can I get this? Please!!”
I make my way to the section where the computer cables are. Of course, there’s a group of people blocking my way. So, I start jumping up and down as if I'm on a pogo stick in order to find the right cable. I'm red as a beet and out of breath, but I finally see it. Quickly adapting to my new surrounding, I lunge over top of the hostile crowd and try to snatch the cable. The first time I miss, and it’s a little embarrassing. At least five people turn and look at me as if to say, “What the hell are you doing??”
So, I play it off for a minute or two, hoping everyone will forget about me. Taking short controlled breaths like an Army sniper, I try to time my next lunge more carefully. This time, I knock over a middle-aged woman with a mullet haircut (I was in Glen Burnie). An unfortunate civilian casualty. The good news is that I snatched the cable! In one fluid motion, I stumble toward the exit. I looked like Rocky after he went a few rounds with Apollo Creed.
And just when I think that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, I see the check out line. To my horror, it’s backed up to the end of the store! Now, what? Do I wait in line for three hours to pay for a $10 cable? I never advocate stealing, but the thought of sticking this thing in my pocket and stumbling out the door does indeed cross my mind. I figure that even if I get caught, I'd be out of the police station in less time than I'd spend in this line. But, even under these most trying circumstances, I can’t do it.
So, I scan the endless check out line for someone I can connect with. I overhear two guys near the front of the line having a political conversation. I listen closely to see if their from the left or right. Then I hear one of them referring to Nancy Pelosi with a barrage of four letter words. My big break! So, I nonchalantly chime in with, “You got that right!” It doesn’t take long before I’m fully engaged in their conversation. In fact, I take over their conversation. Before you know it, they’re patting me on the back and giving me high-fives. I sensed that the rest of the line was whispering, "Look at that asshole." But to my two new friends, I was the man!
Shortly afterwards, my new friends’ are called to the register to check out. I immediately shift gears, hand them ten bucks and say, “Damn guys, I enjoyed our conversation so much, I forgot all about this cable. Could you do me a favor?"
Of course, they said, “Absolutley!” And I was home free! For a split second, I felt a little guilt. But it quickly passed.
My friends, this is a survival story. Due to my quick thinking and total disregard for my own safety, I won this battle. Many others aren’t so lucky. Shopping on Black Friday is an extremely dangerous endeavor. If you choose to venture out, proceed with extreme caution. Please heed my warning…
KW
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A Day Of Giving Thanks
So, here I am on another Thanksgiving morning. I’ve been here a time or two before, so I pretty much know what the day has in store for me. In a few hours, I’ll be gorging myself on what will seem like a never ending supply of holiday food. And then, I’ll inevitably say, “Man, I can’t believe I ate all that!”
On this day, I’m obviously thankful to have a wonderful family and great network of friends. But I’d like to take a moment to give thanks for some things that we have a tendency to overlook. Bear with me….
I’d like to give thanks to the following:
• The turkey on my dinner table for making the ultimate sacrifice for our dinner pleasure. All I can say is, “You da man!”
• The rainy weather that prevents me from raking up the leaves before our holiday guests arrive.
• GlaxoSmithKline for making the Tums that I’ll surely need lately.
• My DVR so I won’t be lulled to sleep watching the Detroit Lions on the traditional 1:00 game.
• Wal-Mart for providing all of us with a source of entertainment all year long.
• Screwy Louie for lighting up B&A Blvd with his bicycle on those dark foggy nights (you have to live in Glen Burnie to understand this).
• 7-11 for keeping their doors open today just in case I have a sudden urge to grab a Chili Cheese Big Bite.
• My slippers for giving me something to throw at Tina’s cats when they try to steal a piece of turkey.
• Sweatpants for their expandability
• Black Friday shoppers for continuing to amaze me.
• Tupperware for sending the tons of today's leftovers out of here.
• All of the rednecks who park their cars on their front lawns. This leaves more street parking for my guests.
On a serious note. I’d like to sincerely give thanks to all of our men and women of the US Armed Forces. It’s because of them that we are able to live in a free society and enjoy days like today. We too often take this for granted. Keep in mind; while you’re spending Thanksgiving with your family, many of our troops are a half a world away working to keep us safe. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers……..
KW
On this day, I’m obviously thankful to have a wonderful family and great network of friends. But I’d like to take a moment to give thanks for some things that we have a tendency to overlook. Bear with me….
I’d like to give thanks to the following:
• The turkey on my dinner table for making the ultimate sacrifice for our dinner pleasure. All I can say is, “You da man!”
• The rainy weather that prevents me from raking up the leaves before our holiday guests arrive.
• GlaxoSmithKline for making the Tums that I’ll surely need lately.
• My DVR so I won’t be lulled to sleep watching the Detroit Lions on the traditional 1:00 game.
• Wal-Mart for providing all of us with a source of entertainment all year long.
• Screwy Louie for lighting up B&A Blvd with his bicycle on those dark foggy nights (you have to live in Glen Burnie to understand this).
• 7-11 for keeping their doors open today just in case I have a sudden urge to grab a Chili Cheese Big Bite.
• My slippers for giving me something to throw at Tina’s cats when they try to steal a piece of turkey.
• Sweatpants for their expandability
• Black Friday shoppers for continuing to amaze me.
• Tupperware for sending the tons of today's leftovers out of here.
• All of the rednecks who park their cars on their front lawns. This leaves more street parking for my guests.
On a serious note. I’d like to sincerely give thanks to all of our men and women of the US Armed Forces. It’s because of them that we are able to live in a free society and enjoy days like today. We too often take this for granted. Keep in mind; while you’re spending Thanksgiving with your family, many of our troops are a half a world away working to keep us safe. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers……..
KW
Saturday, November 21, 2009
My Introduction To Southern Culture
Just so nobody gets the wrong idea; I want to set the record straight. I love southern people. To me, they are the most genuinely friendly people in this country. They live simple lives, pull their own weight and are generally happy. Southern culture is truly part of Americana.
But, by God, it does take some getting used to.......
With that being said, I would like to illustrate how I was introduced to southern culture. You see, my father was born and raised in the city of Winston-Salem, NC. (Yes, this is where the name of the cigarettes came from). My dad and his sister eventually moved up to Maryland but the rest of his family remained in North Carolina. So, growing up, we would often go down to visit them.
To say that it was a culture shock would probably be any understatement. Honestly, this was like a different world to me. For instance, the vocabulary is something that took me a while to grasp. One time I asked where the bathroom was, and one of my aunts replied, “It’s over yonder.” First of all, I had no idea what “yonder” meant and I was afraid to ask. And secondly, she was pointing out the window!
So, my young mind began to race and I explained that I had no clue what she just said. My aunt then smiled and said, “I recken y’all don’t have outhouses in the city, huh?” At this point, not only was I confused, but scared too! Did she just say outhouse? She’s got to be joking, right? To my horror, she wasn’t!
So, I decided that I would not go the bathroom for the entire weekend. If this meant not eating or drinking, so be it. I would prefer to deal with the hunger rather than find out what’s behind the mystery door of the outhouse!
Well, dinner time came around, and after skipping lunch, I was a bit hungry. So, I sat down with the rest of the family at the dinner table. There was plenty of food but I really didn’t recognize much of it. There was something called collard greens (or collards). In another bowl was something called okra. And the only bread was this heavy dry stuff called cornbread. But what really blew my mind were the fried pork brains. I couldn’t believe that they were really going to eat these. At this point, I realized that not eating for the whole weekend might be as bad as I thought!
Later that evening, I asked if I could have a soda. With a confused look on her face, my aunt left and returned with a box of Arm & Hammer baking soda. When I explained that I was looking for a Coke or a Pepsi, she said, “Oh, you want a pop.” I was really starting to doubt that I would make it through the weekend.
It was during this time, that I was trying to keep track of everyone’s name. I was used to normal names like John, Jim, Mary, Sue, etc. So, when I started hearing names like Myrtle, Alvin, Patsi and Jim-Bob, it threw me for a loop. I also had an uncle named Cotton. And I think it’s an unwritten rule that every family must refer to one of their kids as Junior.
Upon visiting one of my uncle’s homes, I got to hang out with my cousins and some of the other local kids. At one point, I noticed a really cute girl. Although I was only eight years old, I figured I could impress her with my charm and sophistication. So, I proceeded to tell her all about my cool Huffy bike and baseball card collection. Instead of responding, she reaches down and grabs a Styrofoam cup and spits into it! And not only was it just spit, it was this nasty looking brown spit. I was speechless! She might as well have turned into Medusa and sprouted snakes from her head!
I immediately ran over to one of my cousins and said, “Did you see what that girl just did? She spit out a bunch of brown crap into a cup!” My cousin just smiled and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a “pouch” of something called Red Man and said, “Here, you wanna chew?”
At this point, I was waiting for the banjo-playing kid from Deliverance to drop out of the sky! I ran into the house and told my parents, “Please take me back to the city. I'm scared!!”
I managed to survive the weekend, and went back for many more visits over my childhood. Eventually, I adapted to their culture and learned to deal with it. I found out that these people were exactly what John Denver was talking about in his song “Thank God I’m A Country Boy”.
Ironically, after my initial exposure to southern culture, I respect these people more than anyone. Most southern folks would give you the shirt off of their back and expect nothing in return. There’s something to be said for that……
KW
But, by God, it does take some getting used to.......
With that being said, I would like to illustrate how I was introduced to southern culture. You see, my father was born and raised in the city of Winston-Salem, NC. (Yes, this is where the name of the cigarettes came from). My dad and his sister eventually moved up to Maryland but the rest of his family remained in North Carolina. So, growing up, we would often go down to visit them.
To say that it was a culture shock would probably be any understatement. Honestly, this was like a different world to me. For instance, the vocabulary is something that took me a while to grasp. One time I asked where the bathroom was, and one of my aunts replied, “It’s over yonder.” First of all, I had no idea what “yonder” meant and I was afraid to ask. And secondly, she was pointing out the window!
So, my young mind began to race and I explained that I had no clue what she just said. My aunt then smiled and said, “I recken y’all don’t have outhouses in the city, huh?” At this point, not only was I confused, but scared too! Did she just say outhouse? She’s got to be joking, right? To my horror, she wasn’t!
So, I decided that I would not go the bathroom for the entire weekend. If this meant not eating or drinking, so be it. I would prefer to deal with the hunger rather than find out what’s behind the mystery door of the outhouse!
Well, dinner time came around, and after skipping lunch, I was a bit hungry. So, I sat down with the rest of the family at the dinner table. There was plenty of food but I really didn’t recognize much of it. There was something called collard greens (or collards). In another bowl was something called okra. And the only bread was this heavy dry stuff called cornbread. But what really blew my mind were the fried pork brains. I couldn’t believe that they were really going to eat these. At this point, I realized that not eating for the whole weekend might be as bad as I thought!
Later that evening, I asked if I could have a soda. With a confused look on her face, my aunt left and returned with a box of Arm & Hammer baking soda. When I explained that I was looking for a Coke or a Pepsi, she said, “Oh, you want a pop.” I was really starting to doubt that I would make it through the weekend.
It was during this time, that I was trying to keep track of everyone’s name. I was used to normal names like John, Jim, Mary, Sue, etc. So, when I started hearing names like Myrtle, Alvin, Patsi and Jim-Bob, it threw me for a loop. I also had an uncle named Cotton. And I think it’s an unwritten rule that every family must refer to one of their kids as Junior.
Upon visiting one of my uncle’s homes, I got to hang out with my cousins and some of the other local kids. At one point, I noticed a really cute girl. Although I was only eight years old, I figured I could impress her with my charm and sophistication. So, I proceeded to tell her all about my cool Huffy bike and baseball card collection. Instead of responding, she reaches down and grabs a Styrofoam cup and spits into it! And not only was it just spit, it was this nasty looking brown spit. I was speechless! She might as well have turned into Medusa and sprouted snakes from her head!
I immediately ran over to one of my cousins and said, “Did you see what that girl just did? She spit out a bunch of brown crap into a cup!” My cousin just smiled and reached into his back pocket and pulled out a “pouch” of something called Red Man and said, “Here, you wanna chew?”
At this point, I was waiting for the banjo-playing kid from Deliverance to drop out of the sky! I ran into the house and told my parents, “Please take me back to the city. I'm scared!!”
I managed to survive the weekend, and went back for many more visits over my childhood. Eventually, I adapted to their culture and learned to deal with it. I found out that these people were exactly what John Denver was talking about in his song “Thank God I’m A Country Boy”.
Ironically, after my initial exposure to southern culture, I respect these people more than anyone. Most southern folks would give you the shirt off of their back and expect nothing in return. There’s something to be said for that……
KW
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Senior Bikers Of Glen Burnie
I could probably write a book on the idiosyncrasies of the place I used to call home, Glen Burnie, MD. But I’ll save that chore for another day. Today, I’m going to address the rather peculiar phenomenon of old men and mopeds.Yes, that’s right, silly old men impeding traffic around town driving these silly looking “bikes”. If you get stuck behind one of them, don’t plan on getting anywhere on time. Because I’m guessing these things top out at an annoying 10 miles per hour. That’s great if you’re ten years old, but how can a grown man feel good about that?
These guys are in a class by themselves. I’m not sure if I would call them a gang. But I guess you could consider them some type of club. And their clubhouse is the local Dunkin’ Donuts. You’ll see their “bikes” neatly lined up out front as the members congregate inside over endless cups of coffee. I can only imagine what they talk about.
The typical “biker” looks something like this: Long gray hair, full beard, flannel shirt, faded "hi-water" jeans and old dirty tennis shoes. Occasionally, one might wear a pair of work gloves or a scarf. My guess is that they're going for that "homeless" look. And there always seems to be an object strapped behind the seat for the world to see. It could be anything from a bottle of Geritol to a blow-up doll. Yes, it’s strange. That’s what I’m trying to tell you!
When these guys decide to go on a “run”, they inevitably piss off all of the drivers with real vehicles. And let me tell you, Glen Burnie isn’t the most forgiving place. You’ll hear terms of endearment like, “Hey, you old bastard, get the f*ck out of my way!” And one time, I saw someone roll down their window and chuck a Mountain Dew can at one of the poor bastards. Of course, the old men are oblivious to the whole situation.
It doesn’t take long for a long line of cars to collect behind one of these guys. I’m wondering if this has ever made the official traffic reports. I can hear it now: “We’ve got some slowing on the east side of 695 due to some road work. And, this just in, we’ve got a three mile backup on B&A Blvd. due to some clueless asshole on a moped!”
I did have the rare occasion of seeing a young guy on a moped recently. But being in Glen Burnie, you know there’s a twist. Sure enough, the guy weighed about 350 pounds! Both halves of his ass where spilling over each side of the seat. It looked like Fudgy The Whale trying to swallow the Gordon’s fisherman! And the worst part about it is that we were going uphill! I have to admit, I really felt sorry for the poor moped. But somehow, after what seemed like a week, the guy finally made it up the hill. I guess he bought the model with the diesel engine.
Anyway, I think you can see how ridiculous this whole thing can be. Just beware if your driving through….
KW
Monday, November 16, 2009
If I Was The Man
I’ve often wondered what I could do to make the world a better place. More particularly, what I could do to make our country a better place. And even though I love the passion and excitement of a heated political arena, I don’t think I could ever make it as a politician. For the simple reason, I don’t do political correctness.
So, for what it’s worth, I’d like to share some of my ideas on how I would handle things if I were in charge. As you’ll see, I would not likely be the most popular leader. But no one ever makes it to the top without pissing off a few people. In no particular order, here are my ideas for a better country:
1. The War on Terror (or whatever politically correct moniker Obama gives it these days) will now be known as The War on Radical Islam. If Muslims are offended, too bad. I'm offended when Islamic fundamentalists fly planes into our buildings. The last time I checked, it wasn't the Mormon Tabernacle Choir who was obsessed with blowing us up.
2. Effective immediately, anyone convicted of molesting a child gets the mandatory death penalty. This especially goes for pedophile priests! To me, there’s nothing worse than some monster who robs a child of their innocence.
3. Judges would have to take responsibility for the murderers, rapist and pedophiles that they turn back out to society. If the judges truly believe that these people are “rehabilitated”, they'd better be ready to answer for them!
4. English will be the official language of the United States. If you want to continue to speak Spanish, stay south of the border, amigo!
5. Anyone in this country illegally will be arrested and ultimately deported. There will be neither amnesty nor road to citizenship. If you want to become a citizen, come through the gates legally. And any businesses caught employing illegals will face stiff penalties.
6. There will be term limits for Senators. I think it’s ridiculous to watch a 90 year old man in the Senate struggling to stay awake.
7. There will be strict oversight on welfare recipients. Anyone caught committing welfare fraud will be hit with stiff penalties. I’m sick of footing the bill for their sorry asses! On top of this, welfare recipients will be required to complete some type community service. Every effort will be made on the government’s behalf to train these people for some type of vocation. Feeling sorry for these folks doesn’t do them a bit of good. Teaching them a job skill and instilling pride does!
8. There will be tax breaks for married couples. Children that grow up in a household with a mother AND father tend to be more successful. It’s about time that we get back to some traditional values!
9. There will be federal conceal and carry laws that allow law abiding citizens to sufficiently arm themselves. Because nothing stops a bad guy with a gun better than a good guy with a gun!
10. Animal cruelty will be treated as a felony. There’s no absolutely no reason for abusing an animal and strict penalties will be enforced. On this same note, NFL quarterbacks will not be rewarded with multi-million dollar contracts after they've commited animal abuse.
11. There will no more bailouts of the car companies. Instead, there will be large tax incentives to buy American cars. For example, buy a GM car and get a $5000 tax credit. Cars will sell, buyers will get a break and the tax payer doesn’t get stuck with the bill. It’s a win-win-win!
12. Convicted drug offenders will have two choices: mandatory rehab or jail. You say this is harsh and drug abuse is a victimless crime? See if you feel the same way when Kerry the crack addict does $1000 damage to your work truck and delivers all of your tools to the local pawnshop!
13. CIA interrogators will be allowed to do what they need to do to get information from terror suspects. War is ugly and sometimes you’ve got to get your hands a little dirty. If it saves American lives, it's worth it!
14. Soldiers in the field will not have to fear prosecution from their own government for following orders. We have the best military in the world and our commanders will be trusted to do the right thing!
Obviously, the list could be considerably longer. But I have plenty of time to come up with more stuff before Election Day!
KW
So, for what it’s worth, I’d like to share some of my ideas on how I would handle things if I were in charge. As you’ll see, I would not likely be the most popular leader. But no one ever makes it to the top without pissing off a few people. In no particular order, here are my ideas for a better country:
1. The War on Terror (or whatever politically correct moniker Obama gives it these days) will now be known as The War on Radical Islam. If Muslims are offended, too bad. I'm offended when Islamic fundamentalists fly planes into our buildings. The last time I checked, it wasn't the Mormon Tabernacle Choir who was obsessed with blowing us up.
2. Effective immediately, anyone convicted of molesting a child gets the mandatory death penalty. This especially goes for pedophile priests! To me, there’s nothing worse than some monster who robs a child of their innocence.
3. Judges would have to take responsibility for the murderers, rapist and pedophiles that they turn back out to society. If the judges truly believe that these people are “rehabilitated”, they'd better be ready to answer for them!
4. English will be the official language of the United States. If you want to continue to speak Spanish, stay south of the border, amigo!
5. Anyone in this country illegally will be arrested and ultimately deported. There will be neither amnesty nor road to citizenship. If you want to become a citizen, come through the gates legally. And any businesses caught employing illegals will face stiff penalties.
6. There will be term limits for Senators. I think it’s ridiculous to watch a 90 year old man in the Senate struggling to stay awake.
7. There will be strict oversight on welfare recipients. Anyone caught committing welfare fraud will be hit with stiff penalties. I’m sick of footing the bill for their sorry asses! On top of this, welfare recipients will be required to complete some type community service. Every effort will be made on the government’s behalf to train these people for some type of vocation. Feeling sorry for these folks doesn’t do them a bit of good. Teaching them a job skill and instilling pride does!
8. There will be tax breaks for married couples. Children that grow up in a household with a mother AND father tend to be more successful. It’s about time that we get back to some traditional values!
9. There will be federal conceal and carry laws that allow law abiding citizens to sufficiently arm themselves. Because nothing stops a bad guy with a gun better than a good guy with a gun!
10. Animal cruelty will be treated as a felony. There’s no absolutely no reason for abusing an animal and strict penalties will be enforced. On this same note, NFL quarterbacks will not be rewarded with multi-million dollar contracts after they've commited animal abuse.
11. There will no more bailouts of the car companies. Instead, there will be large tax incentives to buy American cars. For example, buy a GM car and get a $5000 tax credit. Cars will sell, buyers will get a break and the tax payer doesn’t get stuck with the bill. It’s a win-win-win!
12. Convicted drug offenders will have two choices: mandatory rehab or jail. You say this is harsh and drug abuse is a victimless crime? See if you feel the same way when Kerry the crack addict does $1000 damage to your work truck and delivers all of your tools to the local pawnshop!
13. CIA interrogators will be allowed to do what they need to do to get information from terror suspects. War is ugly and sometimes you’ve got to get your hands a little dirty. If it saves American lives, it's worth it!
14. Soldiers in the field will not have to fear prosecution from their own government for following orders. We have the best military in the world and our commanders will be trusted to do the right thing!
Obviously, the list could be considerably longer. But I have plenty of time to come up with more stuff before Election Day!
KW
Friday, November 13, 2009
Coming To America
Only liberals like Barrack Hussein Obama could justify giving terrorists like Khalid Sheik Mohammed protection under the American judicial system. In other words, treat him just like he was an American citizen.
So, today Attorney General Eric Holder announced that Mohammed (the mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks) will be tried in a New York courthouse. This particular courtroom happens to be right down the street from where the Twin Towers once stood. This is maddening!
This will no doubt create a circus at the very least. And then, we can expect the typical delaying tactics of whatever piece of shit attorney decides to represent Mohammed. And don’t be surprised if it’s someone from the ACLU! After all, terrorists are people too!
The worst part about all of this is that this monster, who is responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans, could walk free! Because you know the defense will be hammering on things like: he wasn’t read his Miranda rights, he wasn’t given a speedy trial and any incriminating dialogue was the result of harsh interrogation. When it’s all said and done, there could very well be a mistrial, hung jury or an acquittal! It happens too frequently already in our justice system with murderers, rapists and pedophiles. Why should we assume that it can’t happen in this case?
And let’s say the bastard does get convicted and gets life in an American prison. He’ll quickly become a rock star in there. Newly "reborn" prison Muslims will look to Mohammed as an inspiration. It definitely won’t be good. My only hope would be that one of the other “unsympathetic” prison gangs would put him out of our misery! This guy deserves to be hung by his balls!
What Mohammed and the rest of his “peaceful” Muslim buddies did on 9/11 was an ACT OF WAR! And, as a result, they should be tried in a military tribunal. I bet no one ever considered trying the Japanese who bombed Pearl Harbor in a civilian court. But then again, that was a much different time. And we certainly didn’t have “leaders” like Barrack Hussein Obama and Nancy Pelosi!
KW
So, today Attorney General Eric Holder announced that Mohammed (the mastermind of the Sept. 11 attacks) will be tried in a New York courthouse. This particular courtroom happens to be right down the street from where the Twin Towers once stood. This is maddening!
This will no doubt create a circus at the very least. And then, we can expect the typical delaying tactics of whatever piece of shit attorney decides to represent Mohammed. And don’t be surprised if it’s someone from the ACLU! After all, terrorists are people too!
The worst part about all of this is that this monster, who is responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans, could walk free! Because you know the defense will be hammering on things like: he wasn’t read his Miranda rights, he wasn’t given a speedy trial and any incriminating dialogue was the result of harsh interrogation. When it’s all said and done, there could very well be a mistrial, hung jury or an acquittal! It happens too frequently already in our justice system with murderers, rapists and pedophiles. Why should we assume that it can’t happen in this case?
And let’s say the bastard does get convicted and gets life in an American prison. He’ll quickly become a rock star in there. Newly "reborn" prison Muslims will look to Mohammed as an inspiration. It definitely won’t be good. My only hope would be that one of the other “unsympathetic” prison gangs would put him out of our misery! This guy deserves to be hung by his balls!
What Mohammed and the rest of his “peaceful” Muslim buddies did on 9/11 was an ACT OF WAR! And, as a result, they should be tried in a military tribunal. I bet no one ever considered trying the Japanese who bombed Pearl Harbor in a civilian court. But then again, that was a much different time. And we certainly didn’t have “leaders” like Barrack Hussein Obama and Nancy Pelosi!
KW
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Grinch Who Stole Gift Cards
You gotta love Baltimore City. To say that it has problems would be putting it mildly. Sure there are gangs, drugs and pot holes large enough to swallow your car. But how bad are things when the freggin’ Mayor is stealing gift cards intended for needy families? You can’t make this stuff up!
What was Sheila Dixon thinking? Did she possibly think that she wouldn’t get caught? Did she think that Martin Owe’Malley would protect her? Or was she just jonesin’ to go on an impromptu shopping spree?
I can see it now….Dixon stuffing her purse full of the cards as she scurries out the door. A trail of gift cards littering the floor behind her as she yells, “Deck the halls with boughs of holly, my ass! I’m going to Best Buy!!”
I never thought Dixon was that bright. But come on! Stealing gift cards for the needy? As John McEnroe used to say, “You can’t be serious!”
What could she have possibly bought with the cards? Maybe a new boom-box to listen to the latest Kanye West CD back at City Hall? Or perhaps a new slide projector so the City Council could see the crime statistics more clearly?
I thought long and hard about what could have possibly motivated Dixon to do such a notorious thing. And I think I’ve got it. She was sick and tired of Marion Barry getting all the attention!
KW
What was Sheila Dixon thinking? Did she possibly think that she wouldn’t get caught? Did she think that Martin Owe’Malley would protect her? Or was she just jonesin’ to go on an impromptu shopping spree?
I can see it now….Dixon stuffing her purse full of the cards as she scurries out the door. A trail of gift cards littering the floor behind her as she yells, “Deck the halls with boughs of holly, my ass! I’m going to Best Buy!!”
I never thought Dixon was that bright. But come on! Stealing gift cards for the needy? As John McEnroe used to say, “You can’t be serious!”
What could she have possibly bought with the cards? Maybe a new boom-box to listen to the latest Kanye West CD back at City Hall? Or perhaps a new slide projector so the City Council could see the crime statistics more clearly?
I thought long and hard about what could have possibly motivated Dixon to do such a notorious thing. And I think I’ve got it. She was sick and tired of Marion Barry getting all the attention!
KW
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Nancy's A Happy Girl
This morning I woke to the sight of Nancy Pelosi’s gleaming face on the front news page. I know by now that if Queen Nancy is smiling, it can’t be good. Sure enough, I soon find out that the House of Representatives passed the Healthcare Reform Bill 220-215 last night. By five votes!
I’m still amazed that this type of thing is happening in America. I believe that most Americans want a limited government. So, how is it possible to hand over something as important our healthcare to a government that has a history of f*cking up everything it touches?
Think about it, Social Security is on life support while Medicare is virtually dead. And now we’re supposed to believe that the same government that ran these two programs into the ground will not do the same with healthcare? Please stop pissing on my leg and telling me it’s raining!
Speaking of Medicare, part of the Healthcare Bill includes that $400 billion be slashed from the Medicare budget over the next decade. Not really surprising to me since part of the original Bill included “end of life counseling”. In other words, when people get old and become a burden, just let them die. How do groups like the AARP get behind something like this?
As we likely prepare to put tens of millions of newly insured Americans into the system, I have to seriously wonder how it’s possible. After all, the number of medical providers will remain the same. So, how can they possibly accommodate the inevitable flood of new patients? The first and most logical thing that comes to my mind is that they’ll have to ration healthcare. Hey, if you break your leg, just wait patiently and we’ll have someone look at it in a few weeks. After all, it’s not life threatening, is it?
With an estimated price tag of $1.2 trillion, the money has to come from somewhere. So start digging deep into your pockets America. Because when the bill comes due, YOU are the one that will be forced to pay.
This morning there’s little doubt that Queen Nancy and her House Democrats are happy as Bill Clinton in a cheerleader’s locker room. But I really hope that they believe in the Healthcare Bill enough to risk their jobs. Because they may have f*cked us this time, but come the next election, they may be the ones who are going to have to bend over!
KW
I’m still amazed that this type of thing is happening in America. I believe that most Americans want a limited government. So, how is it possible to hand over something as important our healthcare to a government that has a history of f*cking up everything it touches?
Think about it, Social Security is on life support while Medicare is virtually dead. And now we’re supposed to believe that the same government that ran these two programs into the ground will not do the same with healthcare? Please stop pissing on my leg and telling me it’s raining!
Speaking of Medicare, part of the Healthcare Bill includes that $400 billion be slashed from the Medicare budget over the next decade. Not really surprising to me since part of the original Bill included “end of life counseling”. In other words, when people get old and become a burden, just let them die. How do groups like the AARP get behind something like this?
As we likely prepare to put tens of millions of newly insured Americans into the system, I have to seriously wonder how it’s possible. After all, the number of medical providers will remain the same. So, how can they possibly accommodate the inevitable flood of new patients? The first and most logical thing that comes to my mind is that they’ll have to ration healthcare. Hey, if you break your leg, just wait patiently and we’ll have someone look at it in a few weeks. After all, it’s not life threatening, is it?
With an estimated price tag of $1.2 trillion, the money has to come from somewhere. So start digging deep into your pockets America. Because when the bill comes due, YOU are the one that will be forced to pay.
This morning there’s little doubt that Queen Nancy and her House Democrats are happy as Bill Clinton in a cheerleader’s locker room. But I really hope that they believe in the Healthcare Bill enough to risk their jobs. Because they may have f*cked us this time, but come the next election, they may be the ones who are going to have to bend over!
KW
Friday, November 6, 2009
The Gym Revisited
Well, after several months of laziness and bad eating habits, I finally forced myself back into the gym this week. I’ll have to admit, I went kicking and screaming, but I did go. So after finally getting in a few workouts, I expected to feel better. But quite the contrary. I actually feel like I just went through the extended cycle of a heavy duty washing machine!
No pain, no gain. Isn’t that what they say?
And if the pain and discomfort isn’t enough, I got on the scale yesterday and realized that I’ve gained a couple of pounds! What kind of bullshit is that? Exercise is supposed to help you lose weight! I explained my frustration to one of my buddies in the gym. In an effort to not discourage me, he tells me that I’m probably building up muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. As much as I’d like to believe him, the noticable jiggle of my man boobs convinces me otherwise.
Several gym buddies asked where I’ve been for the past few months. Too embarrassed to tell them the truth, I made up a story about being in jail for nut-kicking the Oriole’s bird. I don’t know, it seemed to sound more dramatic than saying I’ve been lying around drinking beer and watching Sopranos reruns.
And even though it’s been a while, the characters in the gym remain the same. For instance, the most overweight women still insist on wearing the tightest clothes. And it’s not just the tightness that disturbs me. They wear those clingy polyester-type pants that highlight every dimple of cellulite from their ass to their cankles. Ladies, for the love of God, please stop it!
And of course, the bulky muscle heads are still there trying to lift ridiculous amounts of weight. I want to try to get a couple of huge (but very light) plastic dumb-bells that have “200 lbs” etched into each side. As I prepare to lift these things, I’ll call one of the muscle heads over to spot me. As I “struggle” to lift the weight, I’ll grunt and yell out like a wounded wildebeest with Tourette’s syndrome. “Whoa, bitch! Watch me! Watch me! You got it?? One more rep! ONE MORE REP!!!” It would be interesting to say the least.
And I don’t get this. When I look around the gym, 99% of the people are overweight and out of shape. Quite different than the Bally’s commercials where everyone has a sculpted body with 3% body fat. Why don’t I ever see these people when I’m at the gym? Maybe they sneak in at two in the morning while the rest of us fat-asses are sleeping? Who knows?
And something else that bothers me is that there is a McDonalds right across from my gym. Talk about about something that can break a man's spirit. This would be like the stadium beer man setting up outside of a AA meeting. "Budweiser here! Get cha cold Budweiser!"
With this being said, my plan is to continue a regular routine and not go on another four month hiatus. We’ll see how that works out…….
KW
No pain, no gain. Isn’t that what they say?
And if the pain and discomfort isn’t enough, I got on the scale yesterday and realized that I’ve gained a couple of pounds! What kind of bullshit is that? Exercise is supposed to help you lose weight! I explained my frustration to one of my buddies in the gym. In an effort to not discourage me, he tells me that I’m probably building up muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. As much as I’d like to believe him, the noticable jiggle of my man boobs convinces me otherwise.
Several gym buddies asked where I’ve been for the past few months. Too embarrassed to tell them the truth, I made up a story about being in jail for nut-kicking the Oriole’s bird. I don’t know, it seemed to sound more dramatic than saying I’ve been lying around drinking beer and watching Sopranos reruns.
And even though it’s been a while, the characters in the gym remain the same. For instance, the most overweight women still insist on wearing the tightest clothes. And it’s not just the tightness that disturbs me. They wear those clingy polyester-type pants that highlight every dimple of cellulite from their ass to their cankles. Ladies, for the love of God, please stop it!
And of course, the bulky muscle heads are still there trying to lift ridiculous amounts of weight. I want to try to get a couple of huge (but very light) plastic dumb-bells that have “200 lbs” etched into each side. As I prepare to lift these things, I’ll call one of the muscle heads over to spot me. As I “struggle” to lift the weight, I’ll grunt and yell out like a wounded wildebeest with Tourette’s syndrome. “Whoa, bitch! Watch me! Watch me! You got it?? One more rep! ONE MORE REP!!!” It would be interesting to say the least.
And I don’t get this. When I look around the gym, 99% of the people are overweight and out of shape. Quite different than the Bally’s commercials where everyone has a sculpted body with 3% body fat. Why don’t I ever see these people when I’m at the gym? Maybe they sneak in at two in the morning while the rest of us fat-asses are sleeping? Who knows?
And something else that bothers me is that there is a McDonalds right across from my gym. Talk about about something that can break a man's spirit. This would be like the stadium beer man setting up outside of a AA meeting. "Budweiser here! Get cha cold Budweiser!"
With this being said, my plan is to continue a regular routine and not go on another four month hiatus. We’ll see how that works out…….
KW
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The Joy of Flying
In the overall scheme of things, flying seems to make more sense than driving. Why would you want to drive two or three days when you can jump on a plane and be there in a few hours? The good points probably outweigh the bad. But in usual fashion, I’m here to tell you about the bad side….
First off, just getting to the airport can be a chore within itself. The outside of the airport can be pandemonium. Crazy foreign cabbies cut off the shuttle busses while confused housewives drop their frantic husbands off at the terminal. The whole scene is best viewed from a distance.
Once you finally get inside the terminal, you’ll usually have to wait in a long line to get your boarding pass. This is also the same place where you’ll usually pay an additional fee for having the airline check your bag(s). I don’t get this. Most people carry at least one piece of luggage. Why charge them for this? This is like charging a person for bringing their head with them. I better watch what I say; I don’t want to give the airlines any new ideas!
After finally getting your boarding pass, you’re forced to go through a security screening by the intellectual giants of the TSA. On one of my last flights, I had to practically disrobe in order to get their approval. I thought for sure a full body cavity search was in the works! For the record, I would walk to my destination before I let these assholes search my …..….. oh nevermind!
Eventually, if you’re lucky, you actually make it the boarding gate on time.
As a result of the baggage fees, many passengers don’t check their bags. Instead, they carry them aboard. Although the rules clearly explain how large a carry-on can be, most passengers conveniently ignore it. They’ll bring aboard suitcases big enough to hide Oprah Winfrey's ass! This creates another set of problems as there is only so much overhead storage space inside. This always pisses me off because, you see, I play by the rules. I bring only a small laptop case. But because of all the inconsiderate assholes bringing their luggage onboard, there’s no room in the overhead bin for it. It's bullshit, I tell ya!
Once I get seated, it doesn’t take me long to realize that comfort isn’t part of the airline’s plan. Unless you’re one of the munchkins from the Land of Oz, legroom isn’t an option. My knees are already touching the seat in front of me. Then, the asshole sitting in it decides to recline. Of course, I’m pissed but what can I say? For a split second, I think about reaching over the seat and yanking the inconsiderate bastard's hair. But I decide it's probably not a good idea. So, there I sit resembling a praying mantis with my hands pinned up against my chest.
Shortly after taking off, the captain announces that it’s now safe to move about the cabin. At this point about half the passengers immediately stand up and head towards the bathroom. We just left the terminal less than 30 minutes ago. And now all of a sudden everyone has to piss??
The flight attendants soon begin pushing big metal carts down the aisle in order to dish out snacks. One of them leans over and asks me if I’d like a drink and/or a bag of pretzels. Looking up from the praying mantis position, I respond, “That sounds f*cking delectable!! But unless you’re going to feed it to me, I don’t see it happening.” She moves on up the aisle. Was it something I said??
The girl sitting next to me decides to start up a conversation. She tells me that this is her first trip to Baltimore. She wants to know what Charm City is known for. I tell her murder and gonorrhea. She nods and goes back to reading her in-flight magazine. I guess I wouldn’t be a very good tourist guide.
After an otherwise uneventful flight (this is a good thing), the captain instructs the flight attendants to prepare for landing. The plane makes a rapid decent and before long we’re back on the ground, safe and sound. I pass the flight crew on the way to the exit. I thank them for getting me home safe. The pilot smiles but the flight attendant that offered me the pretzels seems a bit hostile. What's her problem?
Once I gather up my bag from the luggage carousel, I bolt out to the parking lot to get back to my preferred method of transportation: my car. Flying is definitely the faster way to go, but it does indeed have its issues……
KW
First off, just getting to the airport can be a chore within itself. The outside of the airport can be pandemonium. Crazy foreign cabbies cut off the shuttle busses while confused housewives drop their frantic husbands off at the terminal. The whole scene is best viewed from a distance.
Once you finally get inside the terminal, you’ll usually have to wait in a long line to get your boarding pass. This is also the same place where you’ll usually pay an additional fee for having the airline check your bag(s). I don’t get this. Most people carry at least one piece of luggage. Why charge them for this? This is like charging a person for bringing their head with them. I better watch what I say; I don’t want to give the airlines any new ideas!
After finally getting your boarding pass, you’re forced to go through a security screening by the intellectual giants of the TSA. On one of my last flights, I had to practically disrobe in order to get their approval. I thought for sure a full body cavity search was in the works! For the record, I would walk to my destination before I let these assholes search my …..….. oh nevermind!
Eventually, if you’re lucky, you actually make it the boarding gate on time.
As a result of the baggage fees, many passengers don’t check their bags. Instead, they carry them aboard. Although the rules clearly explain how large a carry-on can be, most passengers conveniently ignore it. They’ll bring aboard suitcases big enough to hide Oprah Winfrey's ass! This creates another set of problems as there is only so much overhead storage space inside. This always pisses me off because, you see, I play by the rules. I bring only a small laptop case. But because of all the inconsiderate assholes bringing their luggage onboard, there’s no room in the overhead bin for it. It's bullshit, I tell ya!
Once I get seated, it doesn’t take me long to realize that comfort isn’t part of the airline’s plan. Unless you’re one of the munchkins from the Land of Oz, legroom isn’t an option. My knees are already touching the seat in front of me. Then, the asshole sitting in it decides to recline. Of course, I’m pissed but what can I say? For a split second, I think about reaching over the seat and yanking the inconsiderate bastard's hair. But I decide it's probably not a good idea. So, there I sit resembling a praying mantis with my hands pinned up against my chest.
Shortly after taking off, the captain announces that it’s now safe to move about the cabin. At this point about half the passengers immediately stand up and head towards the bathroom. We just left the terminal less than 30 minutes ago. And now all of a sudden everyone has to piss??
The flight attendants soon begin pushing big metal carts down the aisle in order to dish out snacks. One of them leans over and asks me if I’d like a drink and/or a bag of pretzels. Looking up from the praying mantis position, I respond, “That sounds f*cking delectable!! But unless you’re going to feed it to me, I don’t see it happening.” She moves on up the aisle. Was it something I said??
The girl sitting next to me decides to start up a conversation. She tells me that this is her first trip to Baltimore. She wants to know what Charm City is known for. I tell her murder and gonorrhea. She nods and goes back to reading her in-flight magazine. I guess I wouldn’t be a very good tourist guide.
After an otherwise uneventful flight (this is a good thing), the captain instructs the flight attendants to prepare for landing. The plane makes a rapid decent and before long we’re back on the ground, safe and sound. I pass the flight crew on the way to the exit. I thank them for getting me home safe. The pilot smiles but the flight attendant that offered me the pretzels seems a bit hostile. What's her problem?
Once I gather up my bag from the luggage carousel, I bolt out to the parking lot to get back to my preferred method of transportation: my car. Flying is definitely the faster way to go, but it does indeed have its issues……
KW
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Football Interviews
I love watching NFL football. But I never quite understood the interviews before and after the game. Do they really tell us anything we don’t already know?
Hours before the big game, there are countless interviews of the coaches and star players. The reporters will ask brilliant questions like: “What do you have to do to win today?” And then the responses will be things like: “Well, we have to go out and play hard. We have to play as a team. We have to prevent the other team from scoring. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…….” It drives me nuts!
I’ve even heard some reporters ask the question: “Do you think you’ll win today?” For once, I’d love to hear someone respond with, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I think we’re going to get the living shit kicked out of us today.”
And after the game, we’re forced to hear hours of the same ol’ bullshit….
For instance, the winning quarterback will usually say something like, “We came out to play today. We were ready. We gave it 110 percent. In the end, we put more points on the board and as a result, we were victorious.”
Hmmm…….. you scored more points than the other team? And won? That’s f*cking amazing! Thanks so much for enlightening us!
When asking a receiver about his winning touchdown catch, we’ll hear something like, “From the time the ball left the QB’s hands. I could tell it was coming my way. I guess you could say I anticipated it. Yeah, you can quote me on that, I anticipated it! And anticipation resulted in a victorious score for me and my teammates today!”
WTF????
And what’s up with all of the athletes thanking God? At the post-game interview, the first thing they’ll say is, “First and foremost, I’d like to thank God.” After spending three hours of trying to decapitate the guys on the other team, all of a sudden they become religious. Call me crazy, but I think God has more important things to do than worry about the outcome of a football game.
I dunno, maybe instead of all the bullshit interviews, they could make some better use of the time by showing some Seinfeld reruns? Just a suggestion…
KW
Hours before the big game, there are countless interviews of the coaches and star players. The reporters will ask brilliant questions like: “What do you have to do to win today?” And then the responses will be things like: “Well, we have to go out and play hard. We have to play as a team. We have to prevent the other team from scoring. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…….” It drives me nuts!
I’ve even heard some reporters ask the question: “Do you think you’ll win today?” For once, I’d love to hear someone respond with, “Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I think we’re going to get the living shit kicked out of us today.”
And after the game, we’re forced to hear hours of the same ol’ bullshit….
For instance, the winning quarterback will usually say something like, “We came out to play today. We were ready. We gave it 110 percent. In the end, we put more points on the board and as a result, we were victorious.”
Hmmm…….. you scored more points than the other team? And won? That’s f*cking amazing! Thanks so much for enlightening us!
When asking a receiver about his winning touchdown catch, we’ll hear something like, “From the time the ball left the QB’s hands. I could tell it was coming my way. I guess you could say I anticipated it. Yeah, you can quote me on that, I anticipated it! And anticipation resulted in a victorious score for me and my teammates today!”
WTF????
And what’s up with all of the athletes thanking God? At the post-game interview, the first thing they’ll say is, “First and foremost, I’d like to thank God.” After spending three hours of trying to decapitate the guys on the other team, all of a sudden they become religious. Call me crazy, but I think God has more important things to do than worry about the outcome of a football game.
I dunno, maybe instead of all the bullshit interviews, they could make some better use of the time by showing some Seinfeld reruns? Just a suggestion…
KW
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
