Question A - Slots at Arundel Mills

One of hottest items on our local ballot this year is Question A. Basically, this is a referendum that, if voted in, will give Anne Arundel County the zoning rights to allow slot machines.

You can hardly drive ten yards anywhere in the county without seeing an advertisement for or against Question A. So, what does it all mean? Let’s break it down…

First off, there’s no denying that it will bring tons of revenue to the area. The ball park estimate is around $400 million per year. In a perfect scenario, much of this money will be used to fund the police and fire departments, schools, etc. And in an even more perfect world, it will keep our taxes down. So far, so good….

Another benefit is that a slots parlor at Arundel Mills will create thousands of new jobs. With today’s ailing job market, any guarantee of employment has to be looked at favorably.

Of course, there are those who oppose slots in Anne Arundel County. They have many reasons. Let’s examine a few.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that “the kids” are thrown into the argument. This is a politician’s version of “the race card”. Opponents say that a slots venue at the mall will be destructive to children. This is a weak argument in my opinion; First off, the slots parlor will be an entirely different building that will set across from the mall. Secondly, you have to be at least 21 years of age to even enter the slots parlor. And, by the way, has anyone ever been to Arundel Mills Mall at night? I think the slots machines should be the least of your worries if your kids are over there!

Other opponents say that the slot machines should be installed at nearby Laurel Racetrack instead. There’s just one problem with this. Laurel can’t get slots! The owners failed to participate in the bidding process so they can’t even be considered. Sorry, Charley……

Personally, I think we should have gotten slots several years ago. When Bob Erhlich ran for Governor, slots were a major focus of his campaign. Once he became Governor, his plan was stopped in it’s tracks by partisan Democrats who didn’t want to see a Republican Governor riding the money train that slots would inevitably provide. Amazingly, many of these same Democrats suddenly had a different vision when their boy, Martin O’Malley, became Governor. Even O’Malley himself thought that gambling was detrimental to families when Erhlich was pushing for slots. But once he decided to run for Governor, O’Malley suddenly thought that the idea of slots should be “examined”. He is a true politician…..

Speaking strictly from a gambling standpoint, I couldn’t care less about slot machines. Other than an occasional game of Keno, I’m not much of a gambler. Call me cheap, but I’m just not willing to risk losing my cash. (However, I did lose quite a bit in the stock market over the years. A story for another day….)

So, where do we go from here? Should we vote against Question A and continue to let neighboring states collect all of the gambling revenue? I went to a casino in Charlestown, West Virginia a couple of years ago and I can tell you, there were countless cars with Maryland tags. Whether here or there, people are going to gamble. So, why shouldn’t Maryland get some of the cake? (Speaking of cake, I hear there will be some nice restaurants at the casino).

With all of this being said, I plan on voting FOR Question A this Tuesday.

Whoever or whatever you chose to vote for is your business. But please, go out and vote. It’s the American thing to do!
KW

Sunday Football

Another autumn Sunday morning in Baltimore is upon us. The air is crisp, the sky is clear and the birds are chirping. But they all pale in comparison to what happens when the clock strikes one o'clock. That's when millions of football fans around the country will be glued to their televisions as they watch their favorite NFL tream go to work.

Football is America is truly an event. Anyone who has been to an NFL game knows exactly what I'm talking about. Fans will stake their spots out on the parking lot as early as 5 am. Before long, the whole area outside the stadium turns into a huge party. A typical breakfast here consists of a bratwurst and beer. How can you not love that!

I always love walking around and meeting the fans. As rowdy as they are, most of them are very welcoming. I've had people almost force me to sample their marinated wild duck or beer soaked brats. I'm always happy to oblige. It truly is a festive atmosphere and I always have a great time.

As one o'clock approaches, and the fans have completed their "warm-ups", they head towards the stadium. Of course, going through security creates a human traffic jam. I always get a kick out of the comments that come from frustrated fans as they wait to be frisked. Most of the derogatory jabs are directed at the opposing team's quarterback (If the Colts or Steelers are in town, the insults are priceless!).

Once the game begins, everyone suddenly becomes a football expert. If a play goes wrong, fans will immediately tell you why it didn't work. It's like be surrounded by a bunch of John Madden clones. The only thing missing is the virtual chalkboard.

If a referee makes a bad call, he is immediately greeted by a chorus of "Bullshit!" I have to admit, when coming from 60,000 people, the word does have a melodic quality! And by default, the poor ref instantly falls into the same category as Ben Rothlesberger (Baltimore fans affectionately refer to Big Big as "Douchebag").

Here's something that always amazes me. When a player makes a bonehead play, why does he always act like he's hurt? The dejected player will lay on the field (ultimately forcing a commercial break) appearing to be writhing in excruciating pain. Then, when he thinks that people have taken the opportunity to grab a beer or a bathroom break, he'll pop up like a kid on Christmas morning. Amazing! I think my brother-in-law puts this in perspective. When a player is rolling on the field in pain, he'll say, "Ahh, he ain't hurt! He's just disappointed!"

When the game is over, as a fan, you either feel totally euphoric (the alcohol could have a factor in this) or totally depresssed. If your team wins, you feel like you just got a big raise at work. If your team loses, you feel like you're from Detroit. It's really interesting on how seriously some fans take the game.

Well, enough talk. Kick off is in less than two hours. Time to put my game face on!

KW

The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

We've all seen the advertisements for the all-you-can-eat buffets. For $24.95, you can gorge yourself on a smorgasbord of semi-edible food for as long as your cholesterol levels can handle it. It seems like a deal you just can't pass up, huh?

Honestly, I don't care for the all-you-can-eat deals. I would rather slap my twenty-five bucks down on a Victoria's Filet and a Foster's Lager at the local Outback. But let's face it, the buffets don't seem to be hurting for business.

A few years ago, I reluctantly joined some members of my family at a local Cactus Willy's. When I first walked through the front door, one thing was obvious: This sure as hell wasn't a Weight Watcher's meeting! Chunky people were fidgeting in line waiting to pay their admission fee. It was like watching junkies lining up at the methadone clinic!

Anyway, once I finally got inside, I walked past the serving area. I have to tell you, some of the stuff didn't look half bad. Maybe I could actually enjoy it. Plus, once I had a few beers, I'd likely be willing to sample everything from the imitation crab cakes to the mystery meat (which seemed to be giving off a neon glow).

Panic quickly struck in when I realized that this was a dry eatery. If I was going to do this, it would have to be without the liquid courage. So, I asked God to protect me from what I was about to receive, and I made my way towards the food line.

On my approach to the food station, I noticed a bunch of chunky little kids huddled together in front of the fried chicken. I'm not kidding, every kid seemed to have at least one of every chicken part on his plate. It was like each one had his own personal bucket of KFC. Did I mention that they were chunky?

Anyway, the kids must have been siblings, because after gathering up their fifty pounds of chicken, they all went back to the same table. I couldn't help but notice there was an enormous woman who I assume was their mother. The kids piled most of the chicken on a plate in front of the woman. It was stacked up about a foot and a half high. How could one person possibly eat all of this food? I had only seen this type of thing on the Discovery Channel before this. So, out of  morbid curiosity, I almost wanted to pull up a seat and watch. The woman resembled Jabba the Hut as she slowly devoured a drumstick.

While watching all of this unfold, I bumped into another woman with a heaping plate of food. The most peculiar thing here was that this woman was abnormally thin. Yeah, she kind of looked like Olive Oyl from Popeye. The plate of food she was carrying must have weighed nearly as much as she did. If she was better looking, I would have thought she was a model and was ultimately going to purge the contents of her plate. But, like I said, she looked like Shelly Duvall.

I noticed something else while glancing around the dining room. People here didn't care much for vegetables. French fries was about as close as it got. I even overheard one guy with a thick Baltimore accent telling his kids, "Don't wase' yer appetite on dose brockly an' carrits. It'll jes fill ya up. Ya need ta pile yer plate up wit dat meat! Dat way, ya git yer money's worth!" Fatherly advice at it's best.....

I turned my attention back to my plate, which was still empty. I mixed up a large salad, but there was nothing else that really appealed to me. I saw that there was some fried shrimp, so I grabbed a few of those. Then, I went headed back to my seat dreaming about that steak and Fosters at the Outback.

I must mention, that on occasion, there is one all-you-can-eat deal that I like. And that would be the crab deals. Yeah, I know the crabs tend to be small, but that's all right. But here's the thing that irritates me. Right after they bring me a pile hot steamed crabs, they'll dump a half dozen ears of corn and a table full of fried chicken in front of me. I always feel like saying, "WTF! If I wanted all-u-can-eat chicken, I'd go back and join Jabba and her miniature sumo wrestlers back at Cactus Willy's!"

Seriously, how did fried chicken end up in the all-u-can-eat crab deals? It drives me nuts!

When it comes to buffets in general, you can keep them. I don't want to eat myself into total discomfort just to feel like I got my money's worth. However, if one day, someone has the notion to come up with an all-u-can-eat steak and beer deal, I might seriously indulge in that one!

KW

Election Day - Let The Games Begin!

With the upcoming mid-term elections, you can expect all of the usual shenanigans. There will be accusations of voter fraud, voter intimidation, attack ads, etc. And you know there will countless dead people who will miraculously resurrect themselves just in time to cast a vote or two.  As outrageous as these things can sometimes be, we have been conditioned to accept them as "politics as usual".

I was just reading an article about a "controversial" ad that is being exhibited around the Milwaukee area. Billboards around town have been displaying the message "Voter Fraud Is A Felony". Seems pretty obvious to me. But, of course, there are those who see this an intimidation tactic to scare minorities away from the voting booth. What??

And at least one church has come out and said that the declaration of "voter fraud being illegal" is offensive to African-Americans. Hmmm, I wonder if this church felt the same way when members of the racist Black Panther group stood outside a polling place waving batons in Philadelphia in 2008? I guess they were there just to make sure everything was kept on the up and up? Quit pissing on my leg and telling it's raining!

And where are all the critics when groups like ACORN commit voter fraud to help get their favorite Democrat elected? Yeah, they have a bit of a reputation, don't you think??

There's no doubt that our country is divided on political issues. But we should be able to have a standard set of rules that everyone plays by. When the Obama justice department dropped the charges against the Black Panther episode, in what was a blatant display of voter intimidation, it proved to America that a double standard does indeed exist. (Of course, the Panthers were Obama supporters. I wonder if the charges would have been dropped if a McCain support group had done the same thing. I think we all know the answer to this.)

The right to vote is the cornerstone of a free society. Too many people have died over the years to preserve this right. We should never let anything or anyone infringe upon it!

KW

Candy Bars - A Retrospective

All right folks, sit back while I'll take you on a ride down memory lane. Well, sort of.....

When I was a youngster, I used to like to play baseball, climb trees and throw snowballs at anything that moved. However, these things were no match for my true love: Candy bars. If it had sugar and/or chocolate, it was destined to wind up in my digestive system.

There was always a wide variety of candy bars at Shapiro's corner store in my neighborhood. I would always look forward to marching my chubby ass down Maude Avenue to pick up my latest supply. My mind would be in a frenzy deciding on whether I would go with the always satisfying Snickers or something new and mysterious.

One time, I was pleasantly surprised to see that there was new candy bar in town. It was called the Marathon bar. It was about a foot long and was basically a long braid of caramel and chocolate. I had recently seen a Marathon commercial during an episode of Fat Albert. And, as the kids say today, I was stoked! After I finally purchased the thing, I was like a kid with a new puppy. I proudly walked down the street, past the other neighborhood kids, waving my braid of caramel and chocolaty goodness. While making my way through the ogling children, I was saying things like, "This thing is soooooo good. Don't ya wish you could have a bite?" Of course, I was just toying with them because, when they approached me, I would cram whatever was left of the candy bar into my mouth. (The joke would ultimately be on me as I spent my whole childhood as a "husky" kid with countless hours in a dentist's chair).

Some of the other candy bars that wound up in my temporary collection were:

• The Zagnut
• The Oh, Henry
• The Sky bar
• The $100,000 bar
• The Bit-O-Honey
• The Chunky bar
• The Clark bar
• The Mars bar
• The Reggie bar

And, it should come as no surprise, I was a huge fan of the Reese Cup. But there was another "cup" that was a much harder to come by: The Mallo Cup. I used to dream about these marshmallow filled pieces of chocolately heaven. The problem was that not many candy stores sold them. So, when I would accidently stumble on a place that sold them, I would impulsely say, "I'll take a whole box!". Of course, as a ten year old, I would never have enough nickels and dimes for the whole box. So, I would just scatter my change all over the counter and pathetically ask the cashier, "How much will this buy me?"

The poor old guy at the store would spend ten minutes counting the loose change, then finally shove three or four Mallo Cups in my direction. These days, the only one who can seem to find these things is my sister-in-law. Every now and then, she'll call me and say, "Hey Ken, I picked you up some Mallo Cups today." It's like the ten year in me instinctively kicks in because the next words out of my mouth are, "Come on Tina, we gotta take a ride! Now!"

Speaking of in-laws, my brother-in-law recently stumbled upon a lost gem: the elusive Chick-O-Stick. It's probably not technically considered a candy bar and it certainly has nothing to do with chicken. It's simply a crunchy piece of peanut butter bliss. It's kind of like a Butterfinger bar without the chocolate. You can never go wrong with a Chick-O-Stick!

The following message is brought to you by the Baby Ruth bar............

Although the Baby Ruth has been in production for over 100 years, and it still remains a best selling candy bar, there are some misconceptions about it. It's original name was the Kandy Kake. It was renamed the Baby Ruth bar in 1921. And although the Curtiss Candy Company claimed that the new name was a tribute to Preseident Grover Cleveland's daughter, and not the legendary baseball player, there was plenty of reason to doubt it......

After all, Grover Cleveland had left office in 1908 and his daughter, Ruth, had passed away at a young age in 1904. So, why wait until 1921 to rename the candy bar? Could it possibly be because Babe Ruth's popularity was on the rise during this time? And to add to the controversy, The Curtiss Candy Company had unsuccessfullt tried to negotiate an endorsement deal with the baseball slugger. Also worth noting is that the candy comapny had it's own baseball ties as it was located on the same street as Chicago's legendary Wrigley Field. But, after all of these years, the official story is that the bar is named after little Ruthie Cleveland. So, if this ever comes up in a trivia contest, you'll have me to thank!

Even today, I'm still a candy bar junkie. When I don't time for lunch, I often find myself stopping off at a vending machine for a Milky Way fix. And the large bag of Halloween candy that we buy for the pending treat or treaters is usually half empty by the time October 31st arrives. Hey, they're minature candy bars. If I happen to eat a dozen, is it really that bad?

Is it any wonder why I still spend way too much time in a dentist's chair???

KW

My Answer To Government Studies

It’s never a surprise when we hear stories about how the government wastes money. Sadly, most Americans expect our government to be inefficient. I guess Uncle Sam’s philosophy is: Keep your goals low and you’ll never be disappointed.

Well, today I learned that almost a million of our tax dollars was spent on a federal project called “Alcohol and Bar Violence”. And do you want to know what was discovered from this five year study?  

Drum roll please…….

For the bargain basement price of $918,856, it was found that bar fights tend to occur in venues that are relatively dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded and that are frequented by a clientele of younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers.

The study also discovered that a woman who gets in a bar fight has consumed, on average, four times as many drinks as her usual intake and tends to resemble Tonya Harding. (Ok, I made up the part about the disgruntled iceskater).

Seriously, did it really take a million dollars to tell us that bar fights usually involve heavy drinkers who don’t agree with one another? Uncle Sam should have called me! I have some experience with bars (no comments from the peanut gallery!). I could have told the government the same thing for a fraction of the cost. Hell, I would have given them my findings for a case of Sam Adams Octoberfest!

So, as a public service, I’m going to try to save a few tax dollars for all of you hard working folks. Uncle Sam, please listen up. These are the results of some of the studies I have done over the years:

• Alcohol tends to make people seem much more interesting.
• Yuppies have a short life expectancy in West Baltimore.
• Shopping at Wal-Mart produces an endless supply of Kodak moments.
• Toothpaste sales are traditionally low among redneck households.
• Major League baseball players who hit the most homeruns often have puncture marks on their asses.
• The worst parts of town never have a shortage of places to cash a check or get a lake trout.
• Men who ride mopeds prefer mullets and high top tennis shoes.
• Inner city kids overwhelmingly excel over Amish kids in video game competitions.
• Midgets suck at basketball.
• White trash, no matter how dire the circumstances, always have a few bucks stashed away for a new tattoo.
• When you’re trying to eat a double cheeseburger while driving, you’ll never catch a red light.

Hey, I hope I saved us all a few bucks. So, take your extra cash and feel free to cozy up to a local bar. But try to avoid the dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded ones. They tend to attract those younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers who like to fight!

KW

The Golden Years

When I used to think of people reaching their Golden Years, I had always envisioned a time when they could relax and enjoy life without all the hustle and bustle of the modern world. After all, for years, they worked hard at raising the kids, going to work, putting food on the table and countless other things. So, a ride into the sunset of retirement is well deserved…..

However, I’m noticing more and more senior citizens are remaining in the workplace. I’m sure there are many contributing factors (the need for health insurance, lack of retirement savings, etc.). Honestly, it’s quite troubling to me. It’s really heartbreaking to see a seventy-five year old woman flipping burgers at the local McDonalds.

Just the other day, I entered an office building in downtown Baltimore. As I approached the “security” desk, I noticed a little old lady who appeared to be about eighty years old. The ironic part is that she was wearing security guard uniform. Let’s be honest, what was this great-grandmother really going to “secure”? First off, I can’t imagine why this elderly woman would still be working at her age. But more concerning……… whose bright idea was it to give her a job as a security guard?

I’ll have to admit though, she was fiery. As I was waiting for my contact to arrive, in her heavy southern drawl, she gave me the lowdown on all of the “assholes” (her word, not mine) in the building. It was classic and she definitely brought a smile to my face.

I also remember an old government employee (I’ll call him Ulysses) who used to escort the contractors into the building. Calling this guy old is actually an understatement. I’m not sure of his exact age, but he could have quite possibly fought in the Civil War.

Whenever I went into this particular building, the front guard desk would always have to call for an escort. I would hope and pray that they didn’t call for Ulysses. Not that I had anything against the man, but a dead turtle could move faster than this guy! I knew my whole day would be tied up waiting for him to make his way down from the fifth floor.

After an hour or so, Ulysses would finally make his appearance. He would sign me in and the two of would begin the endless mile back up to the fifth floor. Not surprising, the walk gave us plenty of time to exchange everything thing that we knew about life. One time, I asked him, “So Ulysses, when are you going to retire?”

He said, “Why would I want to retire? All my friends and family are dead.”

Every morning, when this poor guy woke up, all he had to look forward to was his boring, monotonous job. It was quite depressing……

I don’t know what to make of all of this. I only hope that one day when and if I’m able to retire, I’ll be riding those golden years into the sunset with my toes in the water and ass in the sand………

KW