While I was in my local BJ’s Wholesale Club the other day, I couldn’t help but notice a few things. (Actually, I’ve noticed them before but never felt the urge to write about it).
Entering the parking lot, I can’t help but notice the gathering traffic at the gas pumps. The cars are three or four deep. And the reason for this? The gas is a whole three cents a gallon cheaper than at the nearby Exxon station. Is it really worth 20 minutes of your life to save 35 cents on a fill-up? Over the course of a year, this amounts to hours of wasted time.
Inside the store is always exciting to me, especially if I’m hungry. Instead of buying lunch, I can just walk around and eat all of the free food samples. The servers are usually senior citizens with thick glasses. So, if I’m extra hungry, I can throw on my sunglasses to disguise myself and go back for seconds. They never see it coming. In some crazy way, I feel like I accomplished something.
If you decide to forego the free samples, you can purchase something to eat at the snack stand. But keep in mind, everything is super-sized. The hot dogs are more like beef by-product baseball bats. And if you want a soft pretzel, be sure to bring an extra cart to carry it.
I always get a kick out the shopping carts with the “kid’s car” attached to the front. It’s designed so a small child can ride in the front and not get separted form the parent. The problem with these things is that they’re about as long as a hook and ladder fire truck. I’m surprised that you don’t need a special license to “drive” one. And the poor kid usually takes a beating as the front of the thing crashes into something on every turn. Yeah, the kid might wind up with a concussion, but at least you know where he is!
I saw a guy who had about 100 cases of water on his cart. I was trying to figure out if he was just rescued from a secluded dessert or maybe he was planning on filling a swimming pool. In either case, Moby Dick wouldn't have needed this much water!
There is an auto service at the club too. I’ve heard some intersting stories. The best one was when some bozo left a car in gear while it was on one of the lifts. Yep, you guessed it. It fell off of the lift and crashed into the floor below. Not surprising, there was considerable front end damage to the car. Accessing the situation, I’m told that one of the "mechanics" said, “I don’t think we can fix that here.”
If there one thing that ticks me off about the wholesale clubs (besides falling cars) it’s this: you have to have your cart inspected on the way out. I don’t like this at all. I’ve already paid for my goods. They now belong to ME! So, it offends me when I have to watch someone paw through my stuff before I’m given their seal of approval (a hole punched in my receipt)! I always feel like rifling through their pockets and saying, "How's it feel??"
And the regular “approver” at my local store is a unique character. She’ll fire off a whole line of incoherent salutations as you hand her your receipt…..
“Hi, how ya doin’, ok, mmm hmm, thank you, good day, bye bye, thank you, uh huh, hello, good-bye, thank you…..”
You can’t even get a word in edgeways! Before you can even attempt to respond, she's already giving the same routine to the next guy. Even though I know it's coming, it always drives me freggin’ nuts! If you ever go into the Pasadena BJ’s, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
Happy shopping!
KW
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
An Evening at Rams Head
If you want to see a band up close and personal, Ram’s Head Live is the place to go. I've seen many classic bands there and it's always an experience. So, when I heard Cheap Trick was playing there, I instantly wanted to go. Tina, on the other hand, wasn’t as enthused. When I asked why she didn’t want to go, the only excuse she could come up with was, “The guitar player gets on my nerves.”
So, not wanting to go to the show alone, I had to bribe her. The deal was, if I landed some discounted tickets and I took her to dinner, she would accompany me to the concert. I had to ask myself, “Are we married or are we dating??”
So, I land a couple of half price tickets off of Craigslist, and step number one is completed. I tell Tina to be ready by 6:00 and we’ll grab dinner wherever she wants. Personally, I had my heart set on a Big Montana at Arby’s. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen. So, P.F. Changs downtown was the decision.
We get to Changs around 6:45 and the place is packed. We’re told that it will be at least a 45 minute wait. And the bar is three people deep, so not much hope there either. So, we decide to step it down a notch and walk across Pratt Street to the Hard Rock Café. After a short wait, we’re seated. We order a couple $15 burgers and a few overpriced draft beers. Not our original plan, but it worked.
We get over to Rams Head around 8:30. The first thing I notice is that the floor is already packed and people are continuing to file in. We find a good vantage point from the side and stake our ground for the next few hours.
The opening band, consisting of a guitarist and a keyboard player takes the stage around 8:50. They mentioned something about not having a drummer, but I didn’t really catch it. They were about as exciting as a Woody Allen movie. After about four songs, the crowd was showing signs of boredom and impatience. If they played much longer, I was considering lighting myself on fire.
Cheap Trick finally took the stage around 9:30. Listening to their classic songs through high school, it was exciting to finally see these guys live. They had aged a little, but still looked good. The guitar player (the one who irritates Tina) was quite animated. He spends as much time flicking guitar picks into the crowd as he does strumming his strings. He definitely likes interacting with the people. They played several unfamiliar songs before launching into I Want You To Want Me and Surrender. The crowd was definitely into it…
Meanwhile back at the ranch……
People were packed in like sardines. This is always the part that I dread with Tina. Inevitably, someone will start to “intrude” on her space. This is where I have to take off my jacket and put on my referee uniform. So, right on cue, the drunken couple next to us starts to lean. Here we go! Tina immediately turns around and starts leaning back. She looks at me and says, “She’s not coming over here! I’m telling you, it ain’t gonna happen!”
The bands playing, Tina’s holding down the fort and I’m trying to reason, “Come on. Why does it always come to this? Can’t we just enjoy the show?” As much as I’d like to act surprised, this is familiar territory. This is a Rams Head ritual for us.
Tina decides she doesn’t want to deal with it any more and walks to less crowded spot (this was a chore within itself!). I hang tight and watch a couple more songs. Then, the male half of the “leaning couple” begins to infringe on me. I try to nonchalantly push him back to his own spot but he keeps coming back. I impulsively check to see if there’s a rubber band attached to us. He finally pushes me over the edge. I give him a pretty good nudge that finally gets his attention. He turns around and looks at me. I explain to him, “Look asshole, if you’re going to sit on my lap, you should at least buy me a drink!” He’s too drunk, stupid or oblivious to respond and just turns back around. By this time, the band is finishing up their encore and I’ve had enough. I go back to meet Tina and we head back to the parking garage.
On the way home, a friend phones us and invites us out for drinks. As good as it sounds, we decline. We’ve had enough excitement for one night.
So, you’re probably asking, “Will we ever go to see another show at Rams Head?” The answer is absolutely!
KW
So, not wanting to go to the show alone, I had to bribe her. The deal was, if I landed some discounted tickets and I took her to dinner, she would accompany me to the concert. I had to ask myself, “Are we married or are we dating??”
So, I land a couple of half price tickets off of Craigslist, and step number one is completed. I tell Tina to be ready by 6:00 and we’ll grab dinner wherever she wants. Personally, I had my heart set on a Big Montana at Arby’s. But I knew that wasn’t going to happen. So, P.F. Changs downtown was the decision.
We get to Changs around 6:45 and the place is packed. We’re told that it will be at least a 45 minute wait. And the bar is three people deep, so not much hope there either. So, we decide to step it down a notch and walk across Pratt Street to the Hard Rock Café. After a short wait, we’re seated. We order a couple $15 burgers and a few overpriced draft beers. Not our original plan, but it worked.
We get over to Rams Head around 8:30. The first thing I notice is that the floor is already packed and people are continuing to file in. We find a good vantage point from the side and stake our ground for the next few hours.
The opening band, consisting of a guitarist and a keyboard player takes the stage around 8:50. They mentioned something about not having a drummer, but I didn’t really catch it. They were about as exciting as a Woody Allen movie. After about four songs, the crowd was showing signs of boredom and impatience. If they played much longer, I was considering lighting myself on fire.
Cheap Trick finally took the stage around 9:30. Listening to their classic songs through high school, it was exciting to finally see these guys live. They had aged a little, but still looked good. The guitar player (the one who irritates Tina) was quite animated. He spends as much time flicking guitar picks into the crowd as he does strumming his strings. He definitely likes interacting with the people. They played several unfamiliar songs before launching into I Want You To Want Me and Surrender. The crowd was definitely into it…
Meanwhile back at the ranch……
People were packed in like sardines. This is always the part that I dread with Tina. Inevitably, someone will start to “intrude” on her space. This is where I have to take off my jacket and put on my referee uniform. So, right on cue, the drunken couple next to us starts to lean. Here we go! Tina immediately turns around and starts leaning back. She looks at me and says, “She’s not coming over here! I’m telling you, it ain’t gonna happen!”
The bands playing, Tina’s holding down the fort and I’m trying to reason, “Come on. Why does it always come to this? Can’t we just enjoy the show?” As much as I’d like to act surprised, this is familiar territory. This is a Rams Head ritual for us.
Tina decides she doesn’t want to deal with it any more and walks to less crowded spot (this was a chore within itself!). I hang tight and watch a couple more songs. Then, the male half of the “leaning couple” begins to infringe on me. I try to nonchalantly push him back to his own spot but he keeps coming back. I impulsively check to see if there’s a rubber band attached to us. He finally pushes me over the edge. I give him a pretty good nudge that finally gets his attention. He turns around and looks at me. I explain to him, “Look asshole, if you’re going to sit on my lap, you should at least buy me a drink!” He’s too drunk, stupid or oblivious to respond and just turns back around. By this time, the band is finishing up their encore and I’ve had enough. I go back to meet Tina and we head back to the parking garage.
On the way home, a friend phones us and invites us out for drinks. As good as it sounds, we decline. We’ve had enough excitement for one night.
So, you’re probably asking, “Will we ever go to see another show at Rams Head?” The answer is absolutely!
KW
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Eye Doctor
Most people probably don’t feel any anxiety when preparing for an eye doctor’s visit. After all, it’s usually just an eye exam. And more importantly, it’s generally painless. But as for me, I’d rather go to a drill-happy dentist than go to see the eye doctor. I can’t explain it other than I hate to have my eyes messed with.
So last week, I went to the local optometrist to get my eyes checked. His assistant sits me in a chair and has me look through an eye piece. So, I’m sitting there minding my own business and out of nowhere…”POOF!!” Totally unexpected, a blast of air hits my naked eyeball!
I fell out of the chair and immediately reached for my eye. I was relieved to find that it was still there. Then, from the floor, I blasted the assistant, “You asshole! What did you do that for?”
She tells me that this is the eye pressure test and that she warned me that I would feel a “poof of air”.
I tell her, “That's bullshit! I didn’t hear any warning. And come on, it was more than just a poof!! It blew me out of the chair, for Christ’s sakes!”
So, I regain my composure and everyone in the waiting area goes back to reading their magazines. I’m then escorted back to see the optometrist. He asks me to sit down and look through another eye piece. I immediately ask him if there's going to be any surprises. He assures me that this will be uneventful. So, I look into the viewfinder and proceed to read the letters and numbers on the eye chart. He makes several adjustments to the lenses to figure out what prescription I’ll need for my glasses.
He basically tells me that I’m short-sighted in one eye and long-sighted in the other. My initial fear is that if this gets worse, it will cause me to walk around in circles. He tells me that I’m being silly. He says that I might walk into walls, but never in circles. Great!
After this delightful news, I’m escorted back out the assistant. He tells her to give me the “peripheral test”. I tell the doctor that I’m a little apprehensive about this girl giving me any kind of test. He tells me to relax and everything will be ok. Easy for him to say!
So, I sit in the chair and gaze into yet another eye piece. It’s déjà vu all over again. She tells me to click a button every time I see an image pop up on the screen. After a minute, she asks, “Are you seeing anything?”
I tell her no and she tells me to try again. After another minute, she tells me that I should be seeing something on the screen. I assure her that I have no reason to lie and I’m telling her the truth. Then she says, “Then I dunno. You must be blind.”
I fire back, “I probably am blind after what you did to me last time!”
So, the doctor comes out and views my results. Of course, he tells me that it’s not good and he wants me to see an eye doctor. I respond, “An eye doctor? What are you? Just playing one?”
He tells me that he’s an optometrist. And what I need is an ophthalmologist. How am I supposed to know these things? I thought an eye doctor was an eye doctor.
I am now preparing to go see the ophthalmologist. I’m told that my pupils will be dilated and I won’t be able to see clearly for several hours. So, I’ll be about as useless as Mr. Magoo for the rest of the day.
Anyone want to join me for Happy Hour? I’m probably going to need someone to help pour my drink!
KW
So last week, I went to the local optometrist to get my eyes checked. His assistant sits me in a chair and has me look through an eye piece. So, I’m sitting there minding my own business and out of nowhere…”POOF!!” Totally unexpected, a blast of air hits my naked eyeball!
I fell out of the chair and immediately reached for my eye. I was relieved to find that it was still there. Then, from the floor, I blasted the assistant, “You asshole! What did you do that for?”
She tells me that this is the eye pressure test and that she warned me that I would feel a “poof of air”.
I tell her, “That's bullshit! I didn’t hear any warning. And come on, it was more than just a poof!! It blew me out of the chair, for Christ’s sakes!”
So, I regain my composure and everyone in the waiting area goes back to reading their magazines. I’m then escorted back to see the optometrist. He asks me to sit down and look through another eye piece. I immediately ask him if there's going to be any surprises. He assures me that this will be uneventful. So, I look into the viewfinder and proceed to read the letters and numbers on the eye chart. He makes several adjustments to the lenses to figure out what prescription I’ll need for my glasses.
He basically tells me that I’m short-sighted in one eye and long-sighted in the other. My initial fear is that if this gets worse, it will cause me to walk around in circles. He tells me that I’m being silly. He says that I might walk into walls, but never in circles. Great!
After this delightful news, I’m escorted back out the assistant. He tells her to give me the “peripheral test”. I tell the doctor that I’m a little apprehensive about this girl giving me any kind of test. He tells me to relax and everything will be ok. Easy for him to say!
So, I sit in the chair and gaze into yet another eye piece. It’s déjà vu all over again. She tells me to click a button every time I see an image pop up on the screen. After a minute, she asks, “Are you seeing anything?”
I tell her no and she tells me to try again. After another minute, she tells me that I should be seeing something on the screen. I assure her that I have no reason to lie and I’m telling her the truth. Then she says, “Then I dunno. You must be blind.”
I fire back, “I probably am blind after what you did to me last time!”
So, the doctor comes out and views my results. Of course, he tells me that it’s not good and he wants me to see an eye doctor. I respond, “An eye doctor? What are you? Just playing one?”
He tells me that he’s an optometrist. And what I need is an ophthalmologist. How am I supposed to know these things? I thought an eye doctor was an eye doctor.
I am now preparing to go see the ophthalmologist. I’m told that my pupils will be dilated and I won’t be able to see clearly for several hours. So, I’ll be about as useless as Mr. Magoo for the rest of the day.
Anyone want to join me for Happy Hour? I’m probably going to need someone to help pour my drink!
KW
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Loud And Clear
Are you listening to us now, Mr. President? (Wait a minute, is this microphone on?)
ARE YOU LISTENING TO US NOW, MR. PRESIDENT???
If the results of last nights Senate election in Massachusetts doesn’t get the Democrats attention, they’re clearly comatose. What Scott Brown did last night is the equivalent of the Detroit Lions winning the next Super Bowl! Brown won in a state that has a 12% Republican voting population! It’s been almost 40 years since a Republican won a Senate seat in Massachusetts.
Ted Kennedy (who held Brown’s Senate seat for almost 50 years!) is probably hiccupping in his grave right now! “The Liberal Lion” was supposed to be the champion of healthcare reform. So, how ironic is it that the guy who replaces Kennedy might be the same guy who dismantles the healthcare bill?
The Democrats are getting exactly what they deserve. The majority of Americans oppose the Healthcare Bill. But Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid refused to listen and they STILL continue to push ahead anyway. In their mind, the government knows how to run your life better than you. Apparently, not everyone agrees!
So, this morning the Democrats were all pointing the finger at each other and trying to figure out what happened (or better yet, how they are going to salvage their future). If what happened in Massachusetts last night is any indication (and I certainly think it is!) of what’s to come in November, they are in deep trouble!
President Obama was supposed to be the great uniter, remember that? After his first year in office, this country is probably as divided as it’s been since the Civil War! I guess Obama forgot that “reaching across the aisle” part.
I expected friction between Obama and Republicans. But now, there’s even bickering between Democrats. This morning, I even heard a few Dems blaming Obama for Martha Coakley’s loss last night. Hmmm, maybe he’s not the Messiah after all. If the Republicans win back the House and Senate in Obama’s first mid-term election (in November), the Democrats might start impeachment proceedings!
(Is it just me, or does a beer sound good about now?)
When the Tea Parties were taking place all over the country last year, the loony left called the protesters “Tea Baggers” (a homosexual reference, by the way). When people protested against the Healthcare bill, the libs called them “racists”. When constituents voiced thair opposition at town hall meetings across the country, they were called “Nazis”. This morning, I even heard a few Democrats calling the Republicans “obstructionists”. Will they ever stop the name calling and take the people seriously??
So........
Let me break it down to these clueless, arrogant, condescending bastards:
WE DON’T WANT YOUR GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTHCARE! NOR DO WE WANT ANY OTHER OF THE SOCIALIST BULLSHIT THAT YOU CONTINUE TO TRY AND RAM DOWN OUR THROATS!! YOU WORK FOR US AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!! THE PEOPLE ARE PISSED AND YOU’D BETTER START LISTENING!!
The Democrats made one crucial mistake this time around. They clearly underestimated the wrath of a scorn nation!
So, Mr. President, how’s that “hope and change” workin’ out for you now?
KW
ARE YOU LISTENING TO US NOW, MR. PRESIDENT???
If the results of last nights Senate election in Massachusetts doesn’t get the Democrats attention, they’re clearly comatose. What Scott Brown did last night is the equivalent of the Detroit Lions winning the next Super Bowl! Brown won in a state that has a 12% Republican voting population! It’s been almost 40 years since a Republican won a Senate seat in Massachusetts.
Ted Kennedy (who held Brown’s Senate seat for almost 50 years!) is probably hiccupping in his grave right now! “The Liberal Lion” was supposed to be the champion of healthcare reform. So, how ironic is it that the guy who replaces Kennedy might be the same guy who dismantles the healthcare bill?
The Democrats are getting exactly what they deserve. The majority of Americans oppose the Healthcare Bill. But Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid refused to listen and they STILL continue to push ahead anyway. In their mind, the government knows how to run your life better than you. Apparently, not everyone agrees!
So, this morning the Democrats were all pointing the finger at each other and trying to figure out what happened (or better yet, how they are going to salvage their future). If what happened in Massachusetts last night is any indication (and I certainly think it is!) of what’s to come in November, they are in deep trouble!
President Obama was supposed to be the great uniter, remember that? After his first year in office, this country is probably as divided as it’s been since the Civil War! I guess Obama forgot that “reaching across the aisle” part.
I expected friction between Obama and Republicans. But now, there’s even bickering between Democrats. This morning, I even heard a few Dems blaming Obama for Martha Coakley’s loss last night. Hmmm, maybe he’s not the Messiah after all. If the Republicans win back the House and Senate in Obama’s first mid-term election (in November), the Democrats might start impeachment proceedings!
(Is it just me, or does a beer sound good about now?)
When the Tea Parties were taking place all over the country last year, the loony left called the protesters “Tea Baggers” (a homosexual reference, by the way). When people protested against the Healthcare bill, the libs called them “racists”. When constituents voiced thair opposition at town hall meetings across the country, they were called “Nazis”. This morning, I even heard a few Democrats calling the Republicans “obstructionists”. Will they ever stop the name calling and take the people seriously??
So........
Let me break it down to these clueless, arrogant, condescending bastards:
WE DON’T WANT YOUR GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTHCARE! NOR DO WE WANT ANY OTHER OF THE SOCIALIST BULLSHIT THAT YOU CONTINUE TO TRY AND RAM DOWN OUR THROATS!! YOU WORK FOR US AND NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!! THE PEOPLE ARE PISSED AND YOU’D BETTER START LISTENING!!
The Democrats made one crucial mistake this time around. They clearly underestimated the wrath of a scorn nation!
So, Mr. President, how’s that “hope and change” workin’ out for you now?
KW
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Pimp My Ride
Everyone has their own preference when it comes to cars. Some people like big gas-guzzling SUVs while others prefer those un-masculine, yet economical hybrids. Whatever works for you is fine with me. But I don’t understand some of the aftermarket add-ons and “enhancements” that people will sometimes use.
For instance, I was deep in the bowels of the city one day sitting at a red light. A car, filled with what I assume were members of a local gang, pulls up beside me. I tried not to look at them but I guess my peripheral vision “disrespected” them. So, the driver fires up the hydraulics and the car starts to bounce up and down like a kid on a pogo stick! I felt like a mouse that was about to be pounced on by a cat. If they were trying to intimidate me, it worked! As soon as the light turned green, I floored it and I was out of there. If it wasn't for the possibility of getting killed, I would have yelled, "Kiss my yuppie ass, you crazy bastards!"
And another day, I’m sitting at another red light on Security Boulevard (I like to live dangerously). As I’m engulfed in a talk radio program, I notice a car pull up beside loaded with another group of fine looking individuals. The car pulled to a stop, but strangely, the wheels continued to move. The car appeared to be moon-walking! I did a double take and rubbed my eyes, but it didn’t change anything. For a moment, I thought someone at the Subway might have put something in my Diet Coke. Could I be hallucinating? Later, I found out that these were called “spinner rims”. One of the silliest things that I ever saw!
Years ago, people would sometimes hang a pair of fuzzy dice from their rear view mirror. Aside from impairing your vision, I never really saw the purpose of these ridiculous looking things. Regardless, this leads me right into my next experience….
As Tina & I are driving on route 10 in Glen Burnie, I notice something hanging from the truck’s trailer hitch in front of me (“dangling” is probably a better way to describe it). As I get closer, I see that it’s a pair of testicles! I impulsively tense up and think about the poor bastard that “supplied” these decorations. I soon realized that they are fake (Thank God!). Then, then humor kicks in and I start to laugh.
Tina asks, “What’s so funny?”
Trying to downplay it, I say, “Oh, nothing. But that’s nuts!”
Tina asks, “What’s nuts?”
And then, I point at the truck bumper. And we both start laughing.
No doubt, a set of latex balls dangling from a trailer hitch is funny. But what’s even funnier is that I hear the local lawmakers are writing a bill to outlaw the balls (no, I’m not kidding). So, while other towns are working on public safety and commerce issues, my town is working on outlawing balls. Another Wal-Mart moment brought to you by Glen Burnie!
Ok, are you still with me?
I never really got the whole idea of making your ride sound like a jet engine. Wasn’t the muffler invented so we didn’t have to listen to the annoying noise of the engine exhaust? Well, my non-English speaking neighbors down the street don’t see things my way. Some times, they’ll fire up their car in the backyard and it sounds like the sky’s falling. I don;t even know how it's possible to make a car this loud! I’m serious. One day last summer, I’m lounging around my pool. It’s a quiet day and the only noise is the chirping from the birds. I’ve got a book in one hand and a drink in the other. I’m about as relaxed as you can possibly get. Then out of nowhere, it sounds like the freggin’ space shuttle just launched from my front yard! I fell off my lounge chair, skinned my knee and worst of all, spilled my drink! Sure, I’m pissed! But I can’t say anything because I don’t speak Spanish! Eventually, the morons blew their engine and peace was restored.
Personally, if I buy a car and it runs good, I don’t feel the need to mess with it. I certainly don’t need hydraulics, spinner-rims or anything dangling from my back bumper. But, obviously, not everyone agrees……
KW
For instance, I was deep in the bowels of the city one day sitting at a red light. A car, filled with what I assume were members of a local gang, pulls up beside me. I tried not to look at them but I guess my peripheral vision “disrespected” them. So, the driver fires up the hydraulics and the car starts to bounce up and down like a kid on a pogo stick! I felt like a mouse that was about to be pounced on by a cat. If they were trying to intimidate me, it worked! As soon as the light turned green, I floored it and I was out of there. If it wasn't for the possibility of getting killed, I would have yelled, "Kiss my yuppie ass, you crazy bastards!"
And another day, I’m sitting at another red light on Security Boulevard (I like to live dangerously). As I’m engulfed in a talk radio program, I notice a car pull up beside loaded with another group of fine looking individuals. The car pulled to a stop, but strangely, the wheels continued to move. The car appeared to be moon-walking! I did a double take and rubbed my eyes, but it didn’t change anything. For a moment, I thought someone at the Subway might have put something in my Diet Coke. Could I be hallucinating? Later, I found out that these were called “spinner rims”. One of the silliest things that I ever saw!
Years ago, people would sometimes hang a pair of fuzzy dice from their rear view mirror. Aside from impairing your vision, I never really saw the purpose of these ridiculous looking things. Regardless, this leads me right into my next experience….
As Tina & I are driving on route 10 in Glen Burnie, I notice something hanging from the truck’s trailer hitch in front of me (“dangling” is probably a better way to describe it). As I get closer, I see that it’s a pair of testicles! I impulsively tense up and think about the poor bastard that “supplied” these decorations. I soon realized that they are fake (Thank God!). Then, then humor kicks in and I start to laugh.
Tina asks, “What’s so funny?”
Trying to downplay it, I say, “Oh, nothing. But that’s nuts!”
Tina asks, “What’s nuts?”
And then, I point at the truck bumper. And we both start laughing.
No doubt, a set of latex balls dangling from a trailer hitch is funny. But what’s even funnier is that I hear the local lawmakers are writing a bill to outlaw the balls (no, I’m not kidding). So, while other towns are working on public safety and commerce issues, my town is working on outlawing balls. Another Wal-Mart moment brought to you by Glen Burnie!
Ok, are you still with me?
I never really got the whole idea of making your ride sound like a jet engine. Wasn’t the muffler invented so we didn’t have to listen to the annoying noise of the engine exhaust? Well, my non-English speaking neighbors down the street don’t see things my way. Some times, they’ll fire up their car in the backyard and it sounds like the sky’s falling. I don;t even know how it's possible to make a car this loud! I’m serious. One day last summer, I’m lounging around my pool. It’s a quiet day and the only noise is the chirping from the birds. I’ve got a book in one hand and a drink in the other. I’m about as relaxed as you can possibly get. Then out of nowhere, it sounds like the freggin’ space shuttle just launched from my front yard! I fell off my lounge chair, skinned my knee and worst of all, spilled my drink! Sure, I’m pissed! But I can’t say anything because I don’t speak Spanish! Eventually, the morons blew their engine and peace was restored.
Personally, if I buy a car and it runs good, I don’t feel the need to mess with it. I certainly don’t need hydraulics, spinner-rims or anything dangling from my back bumper. But, obviously, not everyone agrees……
KW
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Healthy Living
As we get older, there are many things we can do to improve our health. We get advice and opinions from everyone from medical doctors to annoying infomercial pitchmen at 2:00 in the morning. I’ve tried a few of their suggestions and here are my findings…
Green Tea
Loaded with antioxidants, I’m told that green tea is one of the most overall healthy drinks in the world. Millions of Chinese people can’t be wrong, right? The biggest problem that I have with green tea is that it has no flavor. To me, all the green tea in China doesn’t taste nearly as good as a Sam Adams from Boston!
Red Wine
When I heard that red wine was healthy for the heart, I was ecstatic. Finally, a valid excuse to drink! So, I bought my first bottle of red wine. (Ok, I’m lying; it was actually a five liter box.) Well, I pour my first mug and start on the path to a healthier heart. After several more mugs, I was definitely feeling healthier. And best of all, pain free. I seriously thought I had discovered the Fountain of Youth.
Well, the next morning comes and all of my optimism went out the window. My head felt like someone hit me with a ten pound sledgehammer and my stomach was in knots. But I assumed that my heart was healthier than ever.
I later learned that you’re not supposed to drink red wine out of a beer mug. And that you should limit yourself to one or two glasses a day. How was I supposed to know this?
Fiber
I’m told that most Americans don’t get near enough fiber in their diets. Fiber is important, especially for middle-aged men like me. So, I decide to start a “fiber therapy” routine. I head down to the local drugstore and pick up a container of psyllium fiber (also known as Metamucil). I mix a teaspoon of this grainy powder into a glass of water. I gulp it down and begin my journey to cleaner colon.
After about an hour, I start to feel some rumbling in my stomach. It progresses to the point where I start to think that I might be pregnant with twins. I was thinking, "You've really done it this time!"
I was too anxious to sleep. So, I chased a handful of valiums down with a couple shots of Nyquil. This did the trick and I slept in a coma-like state until the next morning. When I woke up, let’s just say that I felt the need to “purge” my system. And the purge began. I think everything in my digestive tract came out, including a bad burger that I ate in 1982! I instantly felt like Mr. Clean.
Sinus Rinse
I had been reading about how people in India have been doing sinus rinses for centuries. They claim it has tremendous health benefits. Millions of Indians can’t be wrong, right? So, off I go on another trip to the drugstore to pick up a rinse kit.
In my kit, there’s a small plastic water bottle. There’s also a screw-on lid that has a tube that extends to the bottom of the bottle. I also find a supply of sodium packets. The idea is that you fill the bottle up with warm water and mix in the salt packet. Then, you hold the bottle up to one of your nostrils and squeeze. If done correctly, this is supposed to force the water into your nasal cavity and out of the other nostril. Then, you do the same thing with the other nostril. The theory is that this will flush out any debris and/or excess mucus. Sounds delightful, huh?
My initial rinse was an experience to say the least. I put the bottle up to my left nostril but had trouble pulling the trigger. I looked at the terrified fool in the bathroom mirror and yelled, “You can do this, man! Come on!” Then, I reluctantly squeezed the bottle. The saline solution blasted into my sinus cavity like a freight train! This was “brain freeze” in the tenth degree. I was disoriented and felt like my head was going to explode. I’m hanging onto the top of the bathroom door with one hand and massaging my skull with the other. Then, just when I think it can’t get any worse, Tina comes down the hall and says, “What in the hell are you doing?” I tell her that I think I might be drowning. She responds,"OK. Just don’t make a mess!" And then goes back to watching TV.
I survived to tell about this one, but it was a close call. They say you can drown in a teaspoon of water. And boy, do I believe it!
Stretching
Ever since I was kid, coaches always told us to stretch before jumping into a competitive game. Yeah, I guess it made sense, but we very seldom did it. But as I get older, I notice that a lot of the guys have indeed started the stretching routine before the game (whether it’s golf, tennis or even bowling).
So, a few months ago, I decided to stretch out a little before a tennis match. Maybe it would limber me up and perhaps even give me an advantage on my opponent. So, at the risk of looking like a fool, I start my routine of twists, rotations and leg stretches at courtside.. Just when I’m starting to feel like this was a great idea, I feel a sharp pain in my right ass cheek. I get up to walk it off, but all I can manage is a pathetic limp. So, not only was tennis out for the day, now I had to sit around with my leg propped up for the rest of the weekend. No more stretching for me!
If it's true about "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I might as well change my name to Hercules! As I get older, I’m sure I’ll be suckered into trying more “healthy” routines. But at this point, I’m wondering if it would be better to just to roll the dice and drink more beer!
KW
Green Tea
Loaded with antioxidants, I’m told that green tea is one of the most overall healthy drinks in the world. Millions of Chinese people can’t be wrong, right? The biggest problem that I have with green tea is that it has no flavor. To me, all the green tea in China doesn’t taste nearly as good as a Sam Adams from Boston!
Red Wine
When I heard that red wine was healthy for the heart, I was ecstatic. Finally, a valid excuse to drink! So, I bought my first bottle of red wine. (Ok, I’m lying; it was actually a five liter box.) Well, I pour my first mug and start on the path to a healthier heart. After several more mugs, I was definitely feeling healthier. And best of all, pain free. I seriously thought I had discovered the Fountain of Youth.
Well, the next morning comes and all of my optimism went out the window. My head felt like someone hit me with a ten pound sledgehammer and my stomach was in knots. But I assumed that my heart was healthier than ever.
I later learned that you’re not supposed to drink red wine out of a beer mug. And that you should limit yourself to one or two glasses a day. How was I supposed to know this?
Fiber
I’m told that most Americans don’t get near enough fiber in their diets. Fiber is important, especially for middle-aged men like me. So, I decide to start a “fiber therapy” routine. I head down to the local drugstore and pick up a container of psyllium fiber (also known as Metamucil). I mix a teaspoon of this grainy powder into a glass of water. I gulp it down and begin my journey to cleaner colon.
After about an hour, I start to feel some rumbling in my stomach. It progresses to the point where I start to think that I might be pregnant with twins. I was thinking, "You've really done it this time!"
I was too anxious to sleep. So, I chased a handful of valiums down with a couple shots of Nyquil. This did the trick and I slept in a coma-like state until the next morning. When I woke up, let’s just say that I felt the need to “purge” my system. And the purge began. I think everything in my digestive tract came out, including a bad burger that I ate in 1982! I instantly felt like Mr. Clean.
Sinus Rinse
I had been reading about how people in India have been doing sinus rinses for centuries. They claim it has tremendous health benefits. Millions of Indians can’t be wrong, right? So, off I go on another trip to the drugstore to pick up a rinse kit.
In my kit, there’s a small plastic water bottle. There’s also a screw-on lid that has a tube that extends to the bottom of the bottle. I also find a supply of sodium packets. The idea is that you fill the bottle up with warm water and mix in the salt packet. Then, you hold the bottle up to one of your nostrils and squeeze. If done correctly, this is supposed to force the water into your nasal cavity and out of the other nostril. Then, you do the same thing with the other nostril. The theory is that this will flush out any debris and/or excess mucus. Sounds delightful, huh?
My initial rinse was an experience to say the least. I put the bottle up to my left nostril but had trouble pulling the trigger. I looked at the terrified fool in the bathroom mirror and yelled, “You can do this, man! Come on!” Then, I reluctantly squeezed the bottle. The saline solution blasted into my sinus cavity like a freight train! This was “brain freeze” in the tenth degree. I was disoriented and felt like my head was going to explode. I’m hanging onto the top of the bathroom door with one hand and massaging my skull with the other. Then, just when I think it can’t get any worse, Tina comes down the hall and says, “What in the hell are you doing?” I tell her that I think I might be drowning. She responds,"OK. Just don’t make a mess!" And then goes back to watching TV.
I survived to tell about this one, but it was a close call. They say you can drown in a teaspoon of water. And boy, do I believe it!
Stretching
Ever since I was kid, coaches always told us to stretch before jumping into a competitive game. Yeah, I guess it made sense, but we very seldom did it. But as I get older, I notice that a lot of the guys have indeed started the stretching routine before the game (whether it’s golf, tennis or even bowling).
So, a few months ago, I decided to stretch out a little before a tennis match. Maybe it would limber me up and perhaps even give me an advantage on my opponent. So, at the risk of looking like a fool, I start my routine of twists, rotations and leg stretches at courtside.. Just when I’m starting to feel like this was a great idea, I feel a sharp pain in my right ass cheek. I get up to walk it off, but all I can manage is a pathetic limp. So, not only was tennis out for the day, now I had to sit around with my leg propped up for the rest of the weekend. No more stretching for me!
If it's true about "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I might as well change my name to Hercules! As I get older, I’m sure I’ll be suckered into trying more “healthy” routines. But at this point, I’m wondering if it would be better to just to roll the dice and drink more beer!
KW
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A Dunkin' Dilemma
A couple of weeks ago, I had a craving for a cup of coffee. So, I decide to stop by the local Dunkin’ Donuts.
As I pull up into the parking lot, I sense that something just isn’t right. There has to be at least twenty-five cars on the lot. I would expect this if it was a parking lot for a bar on a Friday night. But this was a doughnut shop!
I have second thoughts about going in. But as I glance through the window, I see that’s there’s no one in line. How can this be? So, I park my car and venture inside.
When I get through the door, I notice that the place is full of mostly senior citizens. And it doesn’t look like they're in any hurry to leave. They’re fully engaged in a loud conversation as I walk in. I instantly learn that someone named Mildred just received a hip replacement. And at an adjacent table, a group of guys are debating their personal experiences with Viagra. But things quickly get quiet when they notice me. You could have heard a pin drop. It was obvious that I was an “outsider”.
It was like I had mistakenly wandered onto the turf of a West Baltimore street gang. Thier attention was on me now. I could feel their eyes burning through me. And then, a couple of them started to whisper to each other. This couldn't be good. At this point, I seriously considered bolting towards the exit. But before I could make a move, an old dude gets up and hobbles towards the counter. I’m not sure if he’s coming for a donut or if he's coming to shank me.
So nonchalantly, I meet him halfway and quietly say, “Hey man, how’s it going? I’m just here for a cup of coffee. I’m not looking for any trouble, OK?”
He looks at me like I’m nuts and just shakes his head. I was instantly relieved. I really thought I was about to get jumped by a bunch caffeine crazed seniors! I eventually got my coffee. As I was walking out, I couldn’t help but keep glancing over my shoulder. I thought they might be setting me up for an ambush, so I didn’t want to let my guard down. Luckily, I made it back to my car without incident.
It’s quite obvious that the old folks have staked their ground at the double D and they don’t like trespassers. So, if you ever find yourself in the situation that I just described, try not to panic. Just get your coffee and move on.. And don’t make eye contact!
As always, I’m just trying to help……..
KW
As I pull up into the parking lot, I sense that something just isn’t right. There has to be at least twenty-five cars on the lot. I would expect this if it was a parking lot for a bar on a Friday night. But this was a doughnut shop!
I have second thoughts about going in. But as I glance through the window, I see that’s there’s no one in line. How can this be? So, I park my car and venture inside.
When I get through the door, I notice that the place is full of mostly senior citizens. And it doesn’t look like they're in any hurry to leave. They’re fully engaged in a loud conversation as I walk in. I instantly learn that someone named Mildred just received a hip replacement. And at an adjacent table, a group of guys are debating their personal experiences with Viagra. But things quickly get quiet when they notice me. You could have heard a pin drop. It was obvious that I was an “outsider”.
It was like I had mistakenly wandered onto the turf of a West Baltimore street gang. Thier attention was on me now. I could feel their eyes burning through me. And then, a couple of them started to whisper to each other. This couldn't be good. At this point, I seriously considered bolting towards the exit. But before I could make a move, an old dude gets up and hobbles towards the counter. I’m not sure if he’s coming for a donut or if he's coming to shank me.
So nonchalantly, I meet him halfway and quietly say, “Hey man, how’s it going? I’m just here for a cup of coffee. I’m not looking for any trouble, OK?”
He looks at me like I’m nuts and just shakes his head. I was instantly relieved. I really thought I was about to get jumped by a bunch caffeine crazed seniors! I eventually got my coffee. As I was walking out, I couldn’t help but keep glancing over my shoulder. I thought they might be setting me up for an ambush, so I didn’t want to let my guard down. Luckily, I made it back to my car without incident.
It’s quite obvious that the old folks have staked their ground at the double D and they don’t like trespassers. So, if you ever find yourself in the situation that I just described, try not to panic. Just get your coffee and move on.. And don’t make eye contact!
As always, I’m just trying to help……..
KW
Monday, January 11, 2010
Reid Gets A Pass
It always amazes me how the Democrats always get a free pass on any racial gaffes while Republicans usually pay a hefty price.
Senate majority leader Harry Reid is the most recent example of this after it was revealed that he made a comment about then Presidential candidate Obama. He basically said, “….the U.S. was ready to elect a black president, especially someone like Obama who is light skinned and speaks with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” In other words, Obama isn’t your “typical Negro”.
Wow!
As expected, Reid issued an apology to Obama. And President Obama basically dismissed it as an “unfortunate comment” and accepted the apology without question. As far as he’s concerned, the book is now closed on this. Hmmmm, I wonder if he would have felt the same way if a prominent Republican Senator had made similar comments. I seriously doubt it.
A Republican Congressman would have had to resign. Or, at the very least, apologize until he was blue in the face and then attend countless hours of diversity training. Look what happened to former Senate minority leader, Trent Lott several years ago. And Lott’s remarks to Strom Thurman weren’t nearly as direct as Reid’s. Personally, I believe Lott’s comments were taken purely out of context. But in true liberal fashion; Lott was forced to step down.
The race hustlers were all over Trent Lott. But all’s quiet on the Western front today from the usual suspects. What’s up with that? And amazingly, the NAACP and Attorney General Eric Holder (who happens to be black) are defending Harry Reid! And Reverend Al, in a surprising twist, is actually saying that the Republicans are overreacting to Reid’s comments! Can you believe this?
This is a glaring example of the double standard that exists between the Democrats and the Republicans on these issues. You still disagree? Then, please explain Senator Robert Byrd from West Virginia to me.
KW
Senate majority leader Harry Reid is the most recent example of this after it was revealed that he made a comment about then Presidential candidate Obama. He basically said, “….the U.S. was ready to elect a black president, especially someone like Obama who is light skinned and speaks with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.” In other words, Obama isn’t your “typical Negro”.
Wow!
As expected, Reid issued an apology to Obama. And President Obama basically dismissed it as an “unfortunate comment” and accepted the apology without question. As far as he’s concerned, the book is now closed on this. Hmmmm, I wonder if he would have felt the same way if a prominent Republican Senator had made similar comments. I seriously doubt it.
A Republican Congressman would have had to resign. Or, at the very least, apologize until he was blue in the face and then attend countless hours of diversity training. Look what happened to former Senate minority leader, Trent Lott several years ago. And Lott’s remarks to Strom Thurman weren’t nearly as direct as Reid’s. Personally, I believe Lott’s comments were taken purely out of context. But in true liberal fashion; Lott was forced to step down.
The race hustlers were all over Trent Lott. But all’s quiet on the Western front today from the usual suspects. What’s up with that? And amazingly, the NAACP and Attorney General Eric Holder (who happens to be black) are defending Harry Reid! And Reverend Al, in a surprising twist, is actually saying that the Republicans are overreacting to Reid’s comments! Can you believe this?
This is a glaring example of the double standard that exists between the Democrats and the Republicans on these issues. You still disagree? Then, please explain Senator Robert Byrd from West Virginia to me.
KW
Friday, January 8, 2010
Morning Coffee
Like countless other Americans, I like coffee in the morning. No, actually I need coffee in the morning. Without it, I feel weak, tired and totally unprepared for whatever awaits me in the day ahead. It would be like Popeye without his spinach.
So, the morning ritual begins with me falling out of the bed and stumbling down the hallway with my eyes three quarters of the way closed. Sometimes, I’ll bump into Tina as she’s returning from the kitchen with her first morning cup. Like two zombies, we don’t speak. We just grunt and move on….
After the first cup, I begin to feel signs of life. But the second cup always winds me up like a toy soldier. I’m now ready to take on the day and won’t have to be rewound until the next morning.
I generally only need a couple cups in the morning but some people drink coffee all day. My Dad used to do this. When we worked together years ago, he would take a large thermos along every day. Even if we were working outside in the middle of the summer, he would still drink his hot coffee. He would sometimes offer me a cup. I’d tell him, “Dad, its 95 degrees and I’m sweating my ass off. Why would I want to drink hot coffee?” He would tell me that it would make me feel cooler. I never understood this.
When it comes to types of coffee, it can get overwhelming. There’s regular, decaf, espresso, cappuccino, latte, French vanilla, hazelnut, etc. I like to keep it simple. Call me boring, but I just want a straight-up coffee flavored coffee. If I had to pick a favorite, it would be Dunkin’ Donuts brand.
Occasionally, (not by my choice) I’ll join a colleague at Starbucks. I don’t understand how this place has become so popular. For one, the coffee is so expensive. One time, I bought a couple of cappuccinos (I was trying to look sophisticated) and it cost me about eight bucks. That’s crazy! And frankly, I don’t think it tastes any better than my dollar fifty cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.
And if you order a large coffee at Starbucks, they’ll look at you like you're nuts. See, you’re supposed to say that you want a grande. And you have to pronounce it correctly, gron-day. What’s that all about? Just give me a large coffee flavored coffee, dammit!
On a flight home from Denver several years ago, the flight attendants were taking drink orders. Everyone was ordering Coke, water, beer or coffee. But a woman sitting across from me had to be different. So, she asked for a mocha latte. Huh? The flight attendant looked at her as if to say, “What do I look like, a freggin’ barista?” After being told that mocha lattes weren’t currently on the United Airlines menu, the woman asked for water. How do you go from chocolate coffee to water?
Everyone has their preference on how to prepare their cup of coffee. It usually boils down to cream, sugar, cream and sugar, and black. Some people might put cinnamon in it, but that’s just silly. I personally like a little cream and sugar (actually Splenda) in my coffee. Tina likes her coffee sweeter than George Michael in an old Wham video. I’m not kidding you, by the time she’s done loading up her cup with sugar, it’s got the consistency of Blue Cheese dressing. She almost has to drink it with a spoon.
If food is the gasoline in the human engine, then I guess you could say that coffee is the octane booster. With that, I’m ready for another cup!
KW
So, the morning ritual begins with me falling out of the bed and stumbling down the hallway with my eyes three quarters of the way closed. Sometimes, I’ll bump into Tina as she’s returning from the kitchen with her first morning cup. Like two zombies, we don’t speak. We just grunt and move on….
After the first cup, I begin to feel signs of life. But the second cup always winds me up like a toy soldier. I’m now ready to take on the day and won’t have to be rewound until the next morning.
I generally only need a couple cups in the morning but some people drink coffee all day. My Dad used to do this. When we worked together years ago, he would take a large thermos along every day. Even if we were working outside in the middle of the summer, he would still drink his hot coffee. He would sometimes offer me a cup. I’d tell him, “Dad, its 95 degrees and I’m sweating my ass off. Why would I want to drink hot coffee?” He would tell me that it would make me feel cooler. I never understood this.
When it comes to types of coffee, it can get overwhelming. There’s regular, decaf, espresso, cappuccino, latte, French vanilla, hazelnut, etc. I like to keep it simple. Call me boring, but I just want a straight-up coffee flavored coffee. If I had to pick a favorite, it would be Dunkin’ Donuts brand.
Occasionally, (not by my choice) I’ll join a colleague at Starbucks. I don’t understand how this place has become so popular. For one, the coffee is so expensive. One time, I bought a couple of cappuccinos (I was trying to look sophisticated) and it cost me about eight bucks. That’s crazy! And frankly, I don’t think it tastes any better than my dollar fifty cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.
And if you order a large coffee at Starbucks, they’ll look at you like you're nuts. See, you’re supposed to say that you want a grande. And you have to pronounce it correctly, gron-day. What’s that all about? Just give me a large coffee flavored coffee, dammit!
On a flight home from Denver several years ago, the flight attendants were taking drink orders. Everyone was ordering Coke, water, beer or coffee. But a woman sitting across from me had to be different. So, she asked for a mocha latte. Huh? The flight attendant looked at her as if to say, “What do I look like, a freggin’ barista?” After being told that mocha lattes weren’t currently on the United Airlines menu, the woman asked for water. How do you go from chocolate coffee to water?
Everyone has their preference on how to prepare their cup of coffee. It usually boils down to cream, sugar, cream and sugar, and black. Some people might put cinnamon in it, but that’s just silly. I personally like a little cream and sugar (actually Splenda) in my coffee. Tina likes her coffee sweeter than George Michael in an old Wham video. I’m not kidding you, by the time she’s done loading up her cup with sugar, it’s got the consistency of Blue Cheese dressing. She almost has to drink it with a spoon.
If food is the gasoline in the human engine, then I guess you could say that coffee is the octane booster. With that, I’m ready for another cup!
KW
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Winter Static
It should come as no surprise that I’m not a big fan of winter. Aside from the snow (which I’ve already ranted about enough for one season), there’s a multitude of other things that put me in such a jolly mood this time of year.
I don’t know what planet Al Gore in on, but global warming hasn’t seemed to affect Mr. Wilson’s neighborhood. My outside thermometer is currently reading 28 degrees. Hey Al, send those polar bears to my back yard. They’ll be just fine!
And because it’s so damned cold, I’m forced to run the heat way more than I’d like to. And as they say out West, it’s a “dry heat”. The problem with this is that it causes static electricity every time I walk more than three feet. I’m afraid to touch anything made of metal in my house between December and April. I’m not kidding, I’ve created sparks that could light up a football field. One time Tina yelled down the hall to me, “Was that lightning?” I told her, “No, it was just me turning on the light switch!”
It’s so bad that I sometimes tip-toe down the hallway and “sneak up” on the light switch. (Like this is somehow going to prevent me from getting shocked). Tina will sometimes catch me and say, “What in the hell are you doing?” I’ll shush her, wave my hands and point at the wall switch. Then, I'll swipe my hand across it as quickly as I can. Sometimes I get shocked, sometimes I don't. But I always prepare for battle!
I know I sound like I’m nuts, but I was lit up more than the Christmas tree this year! I’m at a point now where I carry a wooden ruler in my back pocket. This allows me to turn on my TV and appliances without setting myself on fire. Yeah, it looks pretty stupid, but at least there’s no pain involved.
And to add fuel to the fire, Tina will throw a polyester blanket on our bed. So, when she moves in the middle of the night, it looks and sounds like the fourth of freggin' July. When the fireworks start, the cats let out a loud screech and crash into the walls as the try to get away. And me? I’m too afraid to move! Of course, Tina sleeps right thorough it…
Another side effect of running the heat is that it causes my skin to dry out. So, I’ve found myself using more moisturizer than ever before. You can break my balls if you want. But without the moisturizer, I’m afraid that I’ll explode like a box of matchsticks one day!
For me, summer can’t get here fast enough. The thought of 90 degree heat sounds pretty appealing to me right now. I just hope I can survive until then……
KW
I don’t know what planet Al Gore in on, but global warming hasn’t seemed to affect Mr. Wilson’s neighborhood. My outside thermometer is currently reading 28 degrees. Hey Al, send those polar bears to my back yard. They’ll be just fine!
And because it’s so damned cold, I’m forced to run the heat way more than I’d like to. And as they say out West, it’s a “dry heat”. The problem with this is that it causes static electricity every time I walk more than three feet. I’m afraid to touch anything made of metal in my house between December and April. I’m not kidding, I’ve created sparks that could light up a football field. One time Tina yelled down the hall to me, “Was that lightning?” I told her, “No, it was just me turning on the light switch!”
It’s so bad that I sometimes tip-toe down the hallway and “sneak up” on the light switch. (Like this is somehow going to prevent me from getting shocked). Tina will sometimes catch me and say, “What in the hell are you doing?” I’ll shush her, wave my hands and point at the wall switch. Then, I'll swipe my hand across it as quickly as I can. Sometimes I get shocked, sometimes I don't. But I always prepare for battle!
I know I sound like I’m nuts, but I was lit up more than the Christmas tree this year! I’m at a point now where I carry a wooden ruler in my back pocket. This allows me to turn on my TV and appliances without setting myself on fire. Yeah, it looks pretty stupid, but at least there’s no pain involved.
And to add fuel to the fire, Tina will throw a polyester blanket on our bed. So, when she moves in the middle of the night, it looks and sounds like the fourth of freggin' July. When the fireworks start, the cats let out a loud screech and crash into the walls as the try to get away. And me? I’m too afraid to move! Of course, Tina sleeps right thorough it…
Another side effect of running the heat is that it causes my skin to dry out. So, I’ve found myself using more moisturizer than ever before. You can break my balls if you want. But without the moisturizer, I’m afraid that I’ll explode like a box of matchsticks one day!
For me, summer can’t get here fast enough. The thought of 90 degree heat sounds pretty appealing to me right now. I just hope I can survive until then……
KW
Saturday, January 2, 2010
An NFL Role Model?
When I first heard that convicted felon, Michael Vick was nominated for the Ed Block courage award, I honestly thought it was a joke. This is on the heels of Vick’s recent completion of a 23 month prison term for illegal dog-fighting. Yeah, dog fighting!
Dog fighting is an illegal underground sport usually ran by rednecks in the backwoods or thugs in the inner city ghettos. So, why would a multi-millionaire athlete like Vick want to be associated with something like this? Was playing in front of millions of fans every week as an NFL quarterback not exciting enough??
Back to the award…..
You see, the Ed Block courage award is named after former Baltimore Colts trainer and respected humanitarian, Ed Block. Block was also a World War II Army officer and a physical therapist for disabled children. The primary goal for the award in his honor is to raise awareness of child abuse.
Each year, NFL teams select one of their players to represent the award. This player is supposed to “exemplify commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courage.” More or less, the player who best fits the description of a role model. This year, the Philadelphia Eagles feel that Michael Vick is their man. (Excuse me, while I finish laughing)
I find it beyond belief that the Eagles feel that a guy who tortures animals is worthy of an award that is supposed to raise awareness of child abuse. Yeah, I know it's not the same thing, but come on! Maybe they feel that it’s justified to throw a sack full of puppies over a bridge as long as you buy a needy child something special for Christmas. I dunno……
And let’s not overlook the point that the only reason Vick stopped his dog-fighting escapades is because HE GOT CAUGHT!!!!
Hey I know that the moral standards in the NFL sink lower every year. But this one takes the cake. Hey, maybe they'll create a new award for the most rehabilitated convict! There's sure enough of them to choose from!
KW
Dog fighting is an illegal underground sport usually ran by rednecks in the backwoods or thugs in the inner city ghettos. So, why would a multi-millionaire athlete like Vick want to be associated with something like this? Was playing in front of millions of fans every week as an NFL quarterback not exciting enough??
Back to the award…..
You see, the Ed Block courage award is named after former Baltimore Colts trainer and respected humanitarian, Ed Block. Block was also a World War II Army officer and a physical therapist for disabled children. The primary goal for the award in his honor is to raise awareness of child abuse.
Each year, NFL teams select one of their players to represent the award. This player is supposed to “exemplify commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courage.” More or less, the player who best fits the description of a role model. This year, the Philadelphia Eagles feel that Michael Vick is their man. (Excuse me, while I finish laughing)
I find it beyond belief that the Eagles feel that a guy who tortures animals is worthy of an award that is supposed to raise awareness of child abuse. Yeah, I know it's not the same thing, but come on! Maybe they feel that it’s justified to throw a sack full of puppies over a bridge as long as you buy a needy child something special for Christmas. I dunno……
And let’s not overlook the point that the only reason Vick stopped his dog-fighting escapades is because HE GOT CAUGHT!!!!
Hey I know that the moral standards in the NFL sink lower every year. But this one takes the cake. Hey, maybe they'll create a new award for the most rehabilitated convict! There's sure enough of them to choose from!
KW
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