A Showdown with The Peanuts Gang

It started off as a nice, spring evening at the baseball field. My grandson, who plays for New York, was preparing for battle against the local Miami team. The teams, for some reason, aren’t called the Yankees or Marlins as you might expect. They simply have the city name displayed on their jerseys. I’m not sure why this is, but let’s not let it get in the way of a good story….

So, I set up my fold-up chair in a spot that will give me the best vantage point of the entire field. It's a nice grassy area just beyond 1st base and the "bullpen" of the New York club.

I had been trying to finish up some late day work duties, so I wound up rushing up to the ball field without eating dinner. Luckily, I had a bag of in-the-shell peanuts in the car. Perhaps not the ideal dinner, but it would have to do. And besides, baseball sort of goes along with peanuts. Who can forget the famous line, "Give me some peanuts and Cracker-Jack, I don't care if I ever get back"? To true baseball aficionados, that line is as golden as "And she's buying a stairway to heaven."

Again, I digress...

So, as I commence my evening meal, I casually toss the peanut shells onto the ground around my chair. I figure the shells are natural and will eventually be absorbed into the earth. If you can toss peanut shells onto the floor at the Texas Roadhouse, why should this grassy knoll be any different?

As I make my way through my legume dinner, I'm suddenly interrupted by a small gang of kids. Now, these kids didn't have any tattoos and they didn't appear to be wearing any distinct colors. But nonetheless, they were all business...

The leader reminded me of Grover Dill, Scott Farkus's little friend, in "A Christmas Story". He was the smallest member of the group. But his mouth made up for his lack of size. 

Grover Dill approaches me, with his posse scattered confidently around him. He looks at the random peanut shells on the ground for what seemed to be an eternity. And then he slowly shifted his gaze towards me. I was getting ready to ask him and his band of banditos to move so I could see the game. But before I could say anything, Grover Dill says, "You're littering!"

My instinctive response was, "Huh?"

"You're dropping your peanut shells all over the ground. You're littering.", he said.

"I'm not littering, I'm starting a peanut farm.", I explained. "In five years, if you come to this very spot, there will be beautiful peanut trees everywhere."

I could tell that he wasn't buying it. And it appeared to me that his posse was getting restless. So, my anxiety level naturally increased as I mentally prepared my next line of bullshit. Could I outwit these guys? And, if not, could I realistically take them in a street fight? One hand, I was much older and experienced, and I had the clear size advantage. But I was outnumbered, four to one. And these guys were showing no signs of backing down. This definitely was not their first rodeo.

Grover Dill breaks the uncomfortable moment of silence by informing me that it was Earth Day. I believe that it was an attempt to emphasize the guilt trip he was laying on me.

He then decided to throw the hammer down. He simply said, "Pick them up!"

Again, I instinctively replied with, "Huh?'

"It's Earth Day, you shouldn't be littering", he reaffirmed. "Now, pick them up."

The stand-off had officially begun. If I picked up the shells, it would be a sign of weakness. This might lead to further aggression by Grover and his gang. They might shake me down for my wallet and car keys next. I couldn't take that chance. You always have to be thinking one step ahead in these situations.

So, I stood defiantly and said, "Look kids, the peanut shells are staying where they are. Now, why don't you run along and find another litterer. I'm pretty sure I saw a guy behind home plate throw a Slim Jim wrapper on the ground a little while ago."

It turned out that it was the perfect thing to say at the perfect time. Grover Dill gave me one last glaring stare before he motioned for his posse to make their way towards home plate. But as they started their migration, one of the other guys decided to throw in the last words by yelling, "I'm calling 991!" 

Of course, we've all heard of the traditional 911 emergency number. But this kid was calling 991 on me! Is this the official number for peanut shell enforcement?

The Peanuts Gang rolled through the sea of fold-up chairs like a Sea-Ray chime-walking across the waves. And just like that, they were gone...

I'm not sure if I'll ever run into Grover and his boys again. But if I do, I hope I'm not eating peanuts...

kw

 

 

A Love Story of Sorts

It was mostly a routine workday for me. On this particular day, I happened to be working in a lab at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, MD. There are a lot of remarkable things that go on in this world renown medical institution. While I'm not directly involved in the actual magic, I do have a small supporting role in keeping the gears turning.

During the course of my troubleshooting duties on this day, I found that I needed to retrieve an item from my car. As I made my way through the hospital, I found myself behind an elderly couple. With her head covered in a colorful bandana, the woman looked quite frail. The man looked quite weak himself but was clearly the stronger of the two. He held the woman's hand as he slowly guided her down the hallway. While I had plenty of work waiting for me back in the lab, I was in no hurry to get around them. I was mesmerized by the beauty and sadness of what was in front of me.

I assumed that the woman was going through some type of cancer treatment. I have seen how these treatments can knock down much younger people. So, to see this little old lady going through it was especially heartbreaking.

The old man gently patted his wife's back as a token of encouragement. And while no words were exchanged between the two, you could sense that the man was saying, "Don't worry, it's going to be alright. I am here with you."

Fror a brief moment, they stopped walking. They simply looked at one another and smiled. And then they resumed their journey. You could tell that the couple had been together for a long time. And you could actually feel the love between them. 

I had only been "introduced" to them a few seconds ago, but I felt like I now knew them. 

At their age, it was quite obvious that their days together were running out. And I couldn't help but imagine the pain of the inevitable loss for the surviving spouse. But for the moment, they were cherishing their time together. As long as they had each other, nothing else really mattered....

As the couple finally made their way into oncology department, the image made a lasting imprint in my mind. I felt the urge to walk up and give them both a big hug. But I just watched as the man held the door and his wife slowly made her way into the room. The man followed behind her. And just like that, they disappeared.

I fought back tears all the way to the parking garage. I'll likely never see this couple again, but I will never forget them. They touched me and gave me a reality check that I desperately needed.

While we all get sidetracked with trivial things in life, we often take for granted the really simple things that are most important. And sometimes, we have to see it with our own eyes...

kw

Pains of the Modern-Day Grocery Shopper

There are certain things that I can count on every time I decide to pick up a few things at the grocery store. For instance, it never fails that I'll pick the shopping cart that has...

a) a wobbly wheel

b) a wheel that is stuck

c) discarded chicken bones or a half-eaten hot dog

d) bubble gum on the handle

Today, I was lucky enough to get the stuck wheel. I didn't really notice it as I pushed the cart across the bumpy asphalt parking lot. But the instant I hit the smooth floor inside the store, the wheel seemed to immediately lock up. Yeah, I could have grabbed another cart, but the odds are it would have had another defect from the list above. So, reluctantly I pushed on with my stubborn cart, leaving a rubber skid mark from the broken wheel behind. With all this being said, I was in Walmart recently and picked a cart with brand new wheels. I spent and extra half-hour walking around the store just because it felt so right.

One of the other things that really annoys me at the grocery store are the "gawkers". These are the people who stand in front of a particular item forever. For instance, I was looking for some nice steaks the other day. I usually prefer a NY Strip. So, I head over to the beef section. Right on cue, there's a woman blocking my access. Giving her a few minutes to get her ass in gear, I lurk around in front of the organ section. It's not like people are lining up to buy beef hearts and chicken gizzards, right? So, after I give her what I consider adequate time to move, I walk back over. Sure enough, she's still there. But this time she's deep into a text-message interchange. This leaves me no choice but to pull the old "excuse me while I reach across" move. Walking towards her, my eyes make contact with a ribeye directly in front of her body. I pull up within a few inches of her and then excuse myself as I reach across in front of her. This almost always causes the person to instinctively move a few feet in the opposite direction, giving me access to my coveted food item. If you ever run into a similar situation, feel free to use my tactic.

And of course, no store would be complete without the whiny kid. Sometimes, they whine about the Three Musketeers bar that Mommy won't let them open in the store. Or other times they scream because the bag boy looks like Marilyn Manson. But whatever the case may be, I will inevitably cross paths with that kid.

Another thing that has gained popularity in recent years is the online grocery shopping. As a result, you will inevitably see several store employees blocking the aisle with their large, wheeled racks as they hunt and gather for the virtual masses. Convenience or laziness? You be the judge....

And what's up with all of the electric scooters? I'm not kidding you, on one of my recent shopping trips, I saw a convoy of these things cruising past the Dorito's at the speed of a wounded snail. It kind of resembled a senior citizen biker gang claiming their turf in the snack aisle. No one could get by because they had the whole aisle blocked as they chatted obliviously.

Switching gears...

Why are the doors in frozen food aisle sometimes all fogged up? You can't see anything inside! One time, my face was nearly frostbitten after opening up fourteen doors in search of the Moose Tracks ice cream.

And speaking of moose tracks, don't even get me started on people that bring their dogs into the store.

And no matter what anyone tells me, the self-checkout line always takes considerably longer than a line with a live cashier. But since I have a control issue where I feel the need to do everything myself, I always feel a magnetic pull towards the self-scan line. I never make it through without at least one burst of profanity.

And why does the lady in front of me feel the need to organize her purse while I'm waiting to check out? I actually saw one woman methodically organize a wad of assorted dollar bills on the counter after her transaction was completed. I've seen bank tellers who didn't put this much effort in counting out the money. Keep in mind, there were about ten irritated customers waiting for her to finish. With all the time she was taking, I really thought she was preparing to do a magic trick for the crowd!

And when I swipe my Visa card, the machine always defaults to a debit payment. Normally, I hit the "red x" and then I'm prompted to carry on with the credit transaction. But on some occasions, the "red X" cancels everything and I'm greeted with "Please remove all items from the belt!" On at least one occasion, I was so pissed that I just walked out of the store and left everything on the belt. Mess with me, will they?

Why do contractor salesmen constantly harass shoppers as they enter the store? They approach me and ask me about my windows, doors, roof, etc. When I try to tell them I'm just hear to pick up a Mountain Dew and bag of pork rinds, they continue on with their sales pitch. It annoys the hell out of me!

Of course, we also have the recent ban on plastic bags. It's funny.....once upon a time, in an effort to save the trees, we were pushed away from paper bags in favor of the plastic ones. Now, it has come full circle and we're back to the paper bags. But only if you pay 10 cents for it. I guess the forests will continue flourish as long as you pay a dime for its sacrifice? I dunno....

And lastly, at a local chain of area grocery stores, when I approach the cashier, she'll always ask, "What school?" The first time I was presented with this question, I rattled off my high school, trade school and gave a long-winded explanation of why I never finished college. But after some research, I found out that these stores actually contribute a portion of their proceeds to the area schools. The shopper is given the choice of which school receives the cut from his/her sale. But I still like to have a little fun every now and then by answering the "What school" question with Ordnance Road Correctional Center. It always creates a confused look from the poor cashier......

Yeah, it's probably a good thing that Tina does most of the shopping.

kw