A Day In Fells Point

So, the day started off with a lunch outing with my sister-in-law & brother-in-law (Toni & John). Although I was still a little steamed about my $32 parking ticket from yesterday, here I was, venturing back into Baltimore City. At least I was driving this time...

We stopped off at the Sip & Bite on Boston Street. While the iconic city diner has plenty of history and tradition, it lacks elbow room. Pinned back in a corner booth, I felt like I was eating lunch on a crowded airplane. An older couple sitting at the counter practically had their asses on our table. In an almost surreal moment, the woman raised herself off the bar stool and sounded the butt trumpet. John and I looked at each other in amazement as we simultaneously thought, "Did she really just do that?" Of course, the woman goes back to eating her lunch like nothing happened.

Meanwhile, the couple in the next booth was have their own issues. At one point, the woman says to her husband, "So, is this where you bring your other bitches?" Not exactly what I would consider casual lunchtime conversation. But aside from all of this, the food was good and the staff and owner were very friendly.

We settled up at the Sip & Bite and prepared to head over to nearby Fells Point. As we walked back to our car, we had to practically hurdle over the random piles of dog shit that were deposited along the sidewalks. I guess there's a shortage of plastic bags in the city?

We arrived in Fells Point and made our way along Broadway. It had been over twenty years since I strolled past these bars and eateries. We stopped off at one of the bars to have a beer. As I surveyed the small bar-top menu, I was a bit surprised to see that a Baltimore bar was offering drink specials during Syracuse games. But I guess even Terps fans could be persuaded to root for the Orangemen if the price is right.

We stopped off at the next place. John & I grabbed a round of beers and then we headed to the outdoor patio in the back to burn a cigar. A woman, who resembled Joey Ramone, came out and sat at a nearby table. While she appeared to be having a conversation with someone else, she struck up a brief conversation with us. At first I thought that maybe she had a Bluetooth earpiece and was having a simultaneous phone conversation. But it turned out that it wasn't the case. Apparently, she was just having a Sybil moment.

While John & I were finishing our cigars, Tina & Toni decided to walk up the street to another place. We eventually met up with the girls at an outdoor table on Thames Street. With the surprisingly warm temperature today, there was plenty of pedestrian traffic. And it seemed like at least half of these pedestrians were dog-walking young women in black yoga pants. Tina & Toni commented on the cuteness of the various dogs while John & I silently appreciated the owners' wardrobe selection.

A short time later, the vision of cute dogs and tight yoga pants was abruptly erased by a guy walking his pot-belly pig. It was like someone dumping a cold bucket of water on our heads (This seems to be a recurring theme with me!). The girls thought that the pig was cute, but all I could see was a slab of bacon and some baby back ribs. One passerby actually asked the owner, "So, when are you going to eat him?" Even though it was technically pork, it was probably an insensitive to say about a someone's pet.

Anyway, seeing this guy walk his pig along the cobblestone street was quite a strange thing to grasp. At that point, we figured it was good time to call it a day and head back to the suburbs....

kw

Ray Runs Into Trouble

As more details slowly surface on the Ray Rice incident, it sure doesn't look good for the Raven's running back. The latest hotel surveillance video appears to show Rice dragging his limp, unresponsive fiance out of an elevator. According to several articles that I read this morning, the finance was in this state because Rice knocked her unconscious.

I have also heard people attempting to defend Ray by saying that his girl was simply drunk. And Rice's attorney has called the whole situation "a very minor physical altercation". I'm not buying any of this bullshit. The couple had been arrested a short time earlier for allegedly beating on one another in a casino. Are we to believe that Rice's girlfriend entered the elevator and, all of a sudden, conveniently became too drunk to stay awake? The next thing we'll hear is that Ray farted in the elevator and she was overcome by the fumes.

As a Ravens fan, stories like this are very disappointing. And let's face it, Baltimore's beloved football team has had it's share of these incidents. But this one is especially disappointing because, I, like many other fans, really wanted Ray to be the role model that has become almost extinct in modern-day sports. We have seen Rice take part in anti-bullying campaigns and other positive community events. But all of the good stuff will likely be overshadowed by this latest incident. And in my opinion, it should. Although I try to not judge a man by his worst day, there are certain situations that simply can't be ignored. And this appears to be one of them.

So, the big question now is: What do the Ravens do about it? After all, Rice just came off of a very disappointing season. And while I think the offensive line had a lot to do with it, Ray just didn't appear to have the spark last year. On the positive side, if the Ravens send their star running back packing, it will look good as far as public relations go. It would at least attempt to send the message that they're not going to continue to tolerate these misconduct issues. But how much money would this cost them? In all likelihood, the Ravens will stand by their man as the have done in similar instances in the past. But I would certainly expect the NFL to take some type of disciplinary action.

Any way you cook it, it's not a good time for Ravens fans.......

kw

Reporting On The Baltimore Snow

I'm sitting here in amazement as I watch the local news reporters giving us the various "breaking news" stories on last night's snowfall. Is this really news? Unless you've spent most of your life on the planet Mercury, you've likely experienced the cold, white stuff at some stage of your life.

As he reported live from a Baltimore street, one reporter gave instructions on how to shovel snow. Is this something that really requires a training class? If you have mastered the challenge of tying your shoes, you can probably figure out how to use a snow shovel.

I love it when the reporter walks up and down the street picking up handfuls of snow. He throws the snow into the air like he's performing a David Copperfield illusion. I almost expect a dove to appear.

"Look at this folks. It's cold and powdery. Can you see this? When I toss it up into the air, it's....well, still cold and powdery. Can we get a close up? Look at this stuff, it's simply amazing!"

As the reporter walks away to pick up another batch of snow, the camera practically trips over him. It's like they're panning for gold.

And at some point, you'll see an impromptu field interview with a government official. You'll hear them say things like, "Road crews are working hard to remove the snow. If you don't have to be out on the roads, please stay home. Let the professionals do their jobs. Blah, blah, blah....." Yeah, we we know the routine. Of course, if our illustrious Governor happens to get some air time, he'll have his tie loosened and sleeves rolled up to give the impression that he's actually out there doing something.

I heard one well-known anchorman this morning refer to the slushy snow as having the consistency of crude oil. I guess it's a pretty decent analogy if we happened to have any experience with crude oil. He mentioned it over and over again. Alright, we get it. It's like f*cking crude oil! Can we move on?

I saw another reporter commenting on a snow plow as it made it's way down the street. He made it sound like we were getting ready for the Snoopy float at the Rose Bowl Parade....

"Look at the angle of the large yellow plow. It's a thing of beauty, isn't it? The driver of this particular truck, Joe, grew up in nearby Dundalk. If we get a chance, we'll try to get an exclusive interview with him later. (The reporter gives Joe a thumbs-up as he and his "thing of beauty" pass by). Great job, Joe! Ok, back to you Don & Marty...."

Of course, there's also those other "exclusive interviews" with those one-of-a-kind people around Baltimore......

"Excuse me, sir. Can we ask what brings you out to the Royal Farms store today?", asks the inquisitive reporter as he stumbles over several snow moguls to get to the guy.

The unsuspecting schmuck will then respond with something like, "I'm just out here to pick up my cigarettes and a lottery ticket. You mind if I give a shout-out to my wife, Trixie? She's home getting ready for The Maury Povich Show. Hi, hon! Look, I'm on the news!"

Of course, while this moron is soaking up his fifteen seconds of fame, another one will be in the background waving to the camera and doing jumping jacks.

Alright, that's enough for now. I've got to head out to clear the snow off of my car. God help me if someone shoves a microphone in my face.....

kw

Jennifer Interupted

Every now and then, we all have one of those dreams. You know, the one where you're in a euphoric situation that seems too good to be true. And just when things are getting progressively better, for some unknown reason, you wake up!

Well, this happened to me the other night and I have to tell ya, I'm still a little upset over it. This is how it all went down....

In my dream, I'm driving along the highway in an exceptionally good mood. My left arm hangs out of the driver's side window as I'm met with a constant blast of fresh air. The local surroundings disappear in my rear view mirror as I gun the engine. I reach down to turn up the radio. The heavy drumbeat from Led Zeppelin's "When The Levee Breaks" seems to be in perfect sync with the sound of the passing telephone poles. As good as things are right now, they're about to get a whole lot better.....

As I pull into what seems like a ghost town, I glance over to the passenger seat which I swore was empty just a few minutes ago. But to my surprise, a beautiful woman has magically appeared. Although her head is turned, I feel as though I recognize her. She slowly turns towards me and says, "So, what do you want to do?" Before she even gets the first word out, I realize that it's actually Jennifer Lopez sitting next to me!

The funny thing is that it was like I had known her forever. Responding to her question, I said, "I'm up for anything. Any suggestions?"

"Why don't you pull over?" she says with a slight smile on her face.

(Before I go any further, I happened to be a single guy in my J.Lo dream. So, for the record, no infidelity rules were broken here. So, there's no need to send my name into Maury Povich.)

Anyway.......

I fulfill her request and pull into a deserted parking lot. Before I can comprehend what's going on, Jennifer Lopez lunges over the center console and starts making out with me. It was crazy but it seemed so real. I felt like the next American Idol! Things were really getting hot and heavy when all of a sudden, I wake up to the sound of one of our cats hocking up a hairball! You've got to be kidding me! My one chance with Jennifer Lopez and this cat is determined to screw it up! Of all the times that this could have happened, it had to happen now?

As I desperately tried to ignore the hacking sounds coming from the foot of the bed, I squeezed my eyelids shut in a futile effort to resume the dream. Nudging the convulsing cat with my foot, I even attempted to take a power nap. But it was of no use. Jenny from the block was gone from my life forever.....

I sat up in bed with dumbfounded look on my face as I listened to the cat work out the hairball. The commotion eventually woke Tina up. As she rubbed her eyes, she asked, "What was that noise?"

I replied, "That was your stupid ass cat!" I walked out the bedroom shaking my head as I mumbled a few more four-letter words.

As I gathered up my senses in the kitchen and sipped a cup of coffee, Tina came downstairs and joined me. She said that I seemed a little grumpy. Really? So, then I proceeded to tell her the story about my dream. Her response? She laughed so hard, I thought I was going to have to perform the Heimlich Maneuver! To add to the drama, the cat struts into the kitchen and starts begging me for food. I say, "He must be out of his f*cking mind!" Of course, this brings yet another round of belly-laughs from my unsympathetic wife. Meanwhile, I'm standing there trying to figure out what's so damned funny.

Just another day in the life.......

kw

Let The Sochi Games Begin

Tonight will mark the official opening of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. Aside from the obvious security concerns, there have been plenty of other interesting tidbits. For instance, there has been recorded cases of video cameras being found in the showers of local hotel rooms. At least one official explained that the purpose of the cameras are to monitor water usage. Yeah, right! You know there's at least one of those officials salivating over the thought of watching a figure skater lather herself up. Hey, if Maria Sharapova happens to check into one of those hotel rooms, I'm gonna need someone to text me. Thanks....

I hear the TSA is banning liquids on direct flights from the US to Russia. Toothpaste is included in the banned substances. I dunno, can you even buy toothpaste in Russia?

Also, there was an initial controversy about homosexual athletes going to Sochi. You see, Russia doesn't really take to kindly to gay folks. Discrimination is widely practiced against gays in Russia. In fact, up until 1993, it was against the law to engage in homosexual activity, even in your own home! So, in response, there have been various forms of protest from gay support groups. Although I don't think the Olympics is the appropriate place for a Gay Pride parade, I also don't think gays should be victims of discrimination. To all of the gay athletes out there, if you really want to get Vladimir Putin's panties in a bunch, just go out there and win the Gold.

By the way, the mayor of Sochi insists that there are no gay people in the city. But apparently, there are two gay nightclubs in the book. Hmm....

There has also been an issue of controlling the countless stray dogs that wander around the Olympic village. The stray dog problem is so severe that Olympic organizers called in a "pest control" company to "dispose" of the creatures. As expected, animals rights groups aren't real happy about this.

Keep in mind, the last time that Russia (then part of the Soviet Union) hosted the Olympics was at the 1980 Summer Games in Moscow. Yes, the Soviets, led by Russia and East Germany, won the majority of the medals. But the United States and several other countries boycotted the Moscow Olympics.

As for the events in this year's winter games, there is a total of 98. They are derived from seven basic sports. Of course, there's the familiar sports such as figure skating, ice hockey and skiing. But the one that always interests me is the curling competition. It amuses me to see two guys with push brooms guiding a large stone down a sheet of ice. This looks more like a drinking game than an Olympic sport. Interestingly enough, the curling competitions will be held in a building called the Ice Cube.

And what the hell is the Skeleton? Yes, it's actually an Olympic sport. It's more like a sled riding competition. As kids, we used to do this at Garret Park. Little did we know at the time, we could have been contenders!

Along the same line as the Skeleton, how cool would it be to ride in a luge?

There is an official slogan for the Sochi Olympics. It happens to be "Hot. Cool. Yours." The only response that I can come up with is "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?".

........................................................................................................................

Best of luck to my fellow Americans. Whether it be gold, silver or bronze, let the medal count be abundant! Let the games begin!

kw

Another Untimely Overdose

By now, most of you have heard about the overdose death of actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman. On Sunday, like too many others before him, Hoffman stuck a heroin needle in his arm for the last time. It always seems to come as a shock when a successful celebrity goes down this tragic path. But just as tragic, we know there will be others who will follow.

What amazed me the most in the Hoffman death was how quickly his drug suppliers were found and arrested. He dies on Sunday and, by Tuesday night, four drug dealing suspects are behind bars. Funny how urgent these things become when a high profile celebrity is involved.

And although I'm no advocate for drug dealers, I find it a bit disingenuous that Hoffman is being made out to be an unsuspecting victim in his own death. Sure, the dealers sold him the drugs. But did they hold a gun to his head and make him do the drugs? In my opinion, Hoffman put the gun to his own head when he decided to plunge that needle into his arm.

Don't mistake my comments as being cold and callous. That's not my point at all. I do think it's tragic that an Oscar-winning actor and a father of three children loses his life in such a senseless way. But we are all given choices in life. Unfortunately, some of them, as in Hoffman's case, have dire consequences.

According to CDC statistics as of 2010, the drug overdose is the leading cause of death among Americans between the ages of 25 and 64. The saddest part is that the overall numbers seem to be trending upward. In the roughly 38,000 overdose deaths in 2010, 60% of them involved pharmaceuticals (aka prescription drugs). Pain killers account for about 75% of these.

Breaking down the demographics, the most probable candidate for an overdose death is a male between the ages of 45-49. Phillip Seymour Hoffman was 46.

We've all known a friend, acquaintance or even a family member who has had his/her life destroyed by drugs. When someone surrenders his life to a bottle of pills, a crack pipe or heroin needle, it's never easy to understand. However, when a famous Hollywood actor succumbs to these vices, there seems to be an exaggerated urgency to comprehend how something like this could ever happen. We gotta round up the drugs dealers, we gotta see what drove him to this, we gotta understand what he was going through, etc..

Why didn't we seem to care when the same thing happened 38,000 times before?

kw