Glen Burnie Bars - A Case Study

My friend, Terry, hails from Delaware but he calls Glen Burnie, MD his home during the work week. During his two year tenure in the area, he has done some extensive research on Glen Burnie's nightlife. Unselfishly sacrificing many of his own brain cells, he has colorfully illustrated the Glen Burnie bar scene in the following story. It is rare that you will find such a seasoned professional that is willing to share such profound insight and advice. So, without further ado, I'm pleased to bring you Terry, the first official guest writer of my Mouthpiece......

Ken

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This week has been an exceptional week for cavorting and reflecting, so enjoy.

I recently revisited and re-organized my Bar Listing which in turn gave me a renewed interest in visiting a few places.  Stepping down from such lofty dreams like visiting Ireland on $14 a day, the local area adds its own special twist.  At $54 a day, Glen Burnie and its surrounding areas must be seen to be believed.  I realize some copied will get crazy because they think I’m going to launch into a derogatory rant but that’s not happening today.  Today I will speak to you of the good down in the hood and how you can have a great time! 

As a rule, Glen Burnie (and surrounding area) bar hopping should be treated as a fun learning activity.  You probably won’t meet anyone you want to keep as a friend, but you’ll sure as heck have a blast if you keep a few helpful tips in mind which I’ll share with you next. 

Optionally, you may want to look into memberships with certain organizations.  These are great if you just want to hide out and generally cost less than $60 / year.  American Legion for example is $12 and the Elks (depending on location) varies from $50 - $90)  There’s the Moose, VFW and all those others too.  I do not recommend “hanging out” in these places, but they do offer a bit more of a quality relationship at times.  How do you think I found all of these out of the way places like the Oak Grove?      

Glen Burnine and the surrounding towns do not offer a wide variety of “venues”.  Therefore it’s important to study bar listings or local papers,  then give up and draw one of the 60+ bar names from a hat.  Crowds aren’t usually wrong and heading for full parking lots helps.  One note though – some bars are filled with locals who walk so this rule doesn’t apply to them (ref Crossroads Tavern and down town Catonsville).  Live music filling the air is also a good sign since it means the chaos of a pool cue fight hasn’t dampened anyone’s spirit.    

To optimize your fun, it’s important to realize that looks (as in the looks you’re going to get walking into anyplace) are everything and you should be able to quickly assess (peripherally) what the glares, grins, and numb stares mean relative to your presence.   Generally speaking, direct eye contact upon entry is frowned upon unless you arrived in a half burned up Pickup Truck or 70’s era Camaro, have a color facial tattoo, or wear a baseball shirt featuring a full chest sized iron-on decal of Farrah Fawcett or the A-Team.  It’s always best to enter and go right for the bartender.  At very local places like Henney Macks or Milt’s for example – YOU are the most interesting thing they’ve probably seen in 2 weeks so don’t take it personally – immediately rip off your collar and go with the welcoming ceremony.  (if you brought a lady friend in with you – it’s probably too late if the door closed all the way to escape so she’s on her own. 

Glen Burnie folks like to be entertained just like we all do.  Look around.  In almost every case – there’s more to the local bars than first glances will reveal.  Some bars offer Keno.  Some have various pools or chances going.  Some have shuffleboards and pool tables on different floors you’d never know about. (ref Ashleys Station in Ferndale)  Some have pinball or game challenges where high scores win dinner etc (ref The Beach Bar) And some feature drinks or foods that are interesting.  Orange Crushes made fresh (Cancun Cantina) are interesting but don’t get them at the All American Sports Bar because I watched the bar maid (who hated making them with canned OJ – wring her counter rag into one)  Walk around. Look around.  

Days of the week don’t mean jack.  I’ve been to places on Tuesdays at 10PM where they were fantastic! (ref Ferndale Tavern)  Hey – don’t judge…  The larger places often publish daily activities (see Reckless Rics, Cancun Cantina and Bamboo Bernies for examples) These can be disappointing (ref Cantina on Country Line Dancing Lesson night…suck-o!) so if (n- WHEN) this happens it’s important to have plans B thru D.   The point is – try not to plan your nights out based on days of the week.  Trivia nights are one exception – they’re almost ALWAYS fun if you go in with the right frame of mind.  For example, the answer to the question “What state is abbreviated as MD in” can be submitted as “confused”, “drunken” or a crudely drawn bit of male or female anatomy may be submitted along with a love note.  Have fun with it and let the evening be whatever it needs to be to do so – but never force it. (cardinal rule #7 from the social directors guide to drinking and economics clearly states this)  

So let’s go thru a scenario…

On a Wednesday, I felt the need for some outdoor fun so according to my notes, that to me means Rodz & Rydz in Severna Park because it features an outdoor bar AND a horsehoes / cornhole.  (This is not West Virginia or Rehoboth Beach so no need to worry about the game’s name here)  One car in the parking lot meant it was a no-go so the Elks Lodge 900 Yards up the road because the holding pattern location until things pepped up.  Winning $250 on a $1 pull-tab ticket worked nicely for me but PO’d the 4 people at the bar who apparently donated my winnings.  Check Please!  Back to Rodz & Rydz which was now better, Horseshoes outdoors was in fact satisfying and more outdoor work was required so it was off to The Beach Bar in Point Pleasant for some education regarding local customs and attire.  Then from there it was Reckless Ric’s and then to finish up – Duke’s where I ran across my old billiard team and hilarity ensued as I publicly demonstrated a total loss of pool skills but an alarming new array of drinking skills.  Wends is thankfully open late and near my estate so that worked out well too.  That’s how it can be done and it is in fact fun.

Viva Glen Burnie!

Terry 

Tragedy In Aurora

Sometimes, there are things in life that are beyond comprehension. The recent mass shooting at the Aurora, Colorado movie theater falls into that category. As the details continue to unfold in the largest mass shooting in US history, one thing will likely remain clear....it was a senseless act of violence.

What is our society coming to if we can't even go to a movie without fear of being gunned down? I don't go to the movies very often anymore, but when I did, I viewed it as a way to escape from reality for a couple of hours. Are those days over?

As learn more about the shooter (James Holmes), we can expect the excuses to start pouring in. For instance, I have read that there was loud music coming from his apartment. Is this just a prelude to what will eventually amount to blaming the band behind the loud music? After all, in the aftermath of the Columbine tragedy, the rock band Marilyn Manson was partially blamed even though they had absolutely nothing to do with the crime. 

Gun control advocates have also began beating their drum. Some argue that the easy access to firearms contributed to to the mass shooting in Aurora. On the surface, they may have somewhat of a point. But the bottom line is that those guns didn't fire themselves. If someone wants to commit an heinous act like this, there are certainly other ways to do it rather than using firearms. How many guns were used in the 9/11 attacks? Maybe we should point the finger at the person who actually committed the crime instead of blaming it on weapons, music, etc.....

There will inevitably be a thorough investigation into the personality and background of the shooter. I expect to hear about traits or signs that may have indicated that he was indeed capable of such a violent outburst. But in reality, how can you possibly predict these things? If you go down the list of everyone you know, I'll bet you can find at least one thing from each person that could be categorized as peculiar.

After the shooting, cities across the country began beefing up security at local movie houses. I can understand the initial response. You never know when a "copy-cat" might go off the deep end. But where do we draw the line. Can we realistically expect to see an armed guard at movie theaters from here on out? Along the same lines, I heard a suggestion that perhaps metal detectors should be installed at theaters. What is happening to our society? I thought we're supposed to get more civilized as time goes on. I'm obviously living in a fantasy world.

Showing a sign of  solidarity, I was happy to see that President Obama and Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney pulled their campaign ads in Colorado yesterday. Both men also made public statements voicing their concern and sympathies for the victims. The President also showed class by ordering the White House flag to be flown at half staff. I'm always amazed at why it takes a tragedy to make our country set aside our differences and treat each other like fellow Americans.

 My heart goes out to all of the victims, their families and the people of Aurora. 

kw

The Frog In The Window Well

For as long as I remember, I've been saving creatures at the request of Tina the animal lover. If a spider or ladybug is spotted, the alarm (in the form of Tina yelling, "Ken! There's a bug in the house!") will go off and I head off into action. And of course, killing the bug, no matter how ugly it is, is never an option. It's strictly catch and release in the Wilson household (well, at least while Tina's at home).

Last night, I was relaxing on the couch getting ready to watch the latest Jennifer Aniston movie. Just when I thought it was safe, Tina yells in from the garage, "Ken, come here! Quick!" Since we were experiencing a thunderstorm, I though maybe we had a leak in the roof or something along those lines. Well, when I get outside, I see Tina looking into one of the basement window wells. She looks up and says, "You gotta save him." It turns out that a large frog had fallen into the well which is about four feet deep. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal to you or me, but to a frog it's like falling into the abyss.

I must mention that this was no a typical Pasadena frog. This guy was neon green and about the size of a softball. He also had these long "fingers" that, quite honestly, freaked me out a little. It looked like something you might see in an Amazon rain forest  after consuming some bad hallucinogenics (so I've been told).

Having been through this drill many times before, I head over to the pool to grab the long skimmer net. Now, keep in mind, it's starting to rain like hell, but I'm a professional and keep my mind focused on the evacuation of this creature. I gently lower the net down into the pit hoping the the frog won't notice. But once I get within a few inches, he starts hopping back and forth. I try several more times with no luck. Getting frustrated and drenched, I was ready to open the basement window and let the cats catch the elusive bastard. But I know that wasn't an option with Tina close by.


Sensing my desperation, Tina hands me a couple of miniature sized lacrosse sticks form the garage. Figuring, I was now in business, I went to work with my new tools. I finally got him trapped under one of the lacrosse sticks. This really freaked him out and he let out this loud ear-piercing shriek which scared the hell out of me! Stumbling backward, I dropped one of the sticks into the well. But determined not to be defeated, I retrieved the stick and went after him again. This time, he tried another defense tactic by inflating himself like a balloon. He looked like Kermit The Frog on steroids! Going back for another try, I finally caught him in the net of the lacrosse stick. As I tried to lower the other stick on top, he actually grabbed it with his long fingered hands and seemed to be pushing it away. I'm not kidding you, I haven't seen fingers on a creature like that since I saw "ET- The Extra Terrestrial" (I would have recorded it on video, but I was kind of busy). I was really afraid that this "poor defenseless frog" might actually grab one of the lacrosse sticks and beat my ass with it! What the hell did Tina get me into this time??

But perseverance finally paid off as I flipped the frog into the air and out of the window well. He hopped a short distance away and then stopped to take a long look back. Tina was worried that he would jump back in. I told her that if he did, he was on his own as I walked my rain-soaked ass back into the house. The things that I go through to keep everyone happy......

kw

The Air Conditioner Turns 100

One hundred years ago today, a cool thing happened......Willis Carrier introduced us to the first modern electrical air conditioning unit. And the world has never been quite the same.

As we continue to experience a smoldering heat wave around the country, a short walk outside can often leave you drenched in sweat and gasping for air. Sometimes, the only thing that gets you by is knowing that you'll eventually make your way back to a cool climate-controlled building.

As a kid growing up in the city, we didn't have air conditioning. Sure, it got really hot and uncomfortable at times. But since we really weren't used to having air conditioning, we learned to adapt. Back then, my "air conditioning" was limited to a fan in my bedroom window. My Dad would always configure the fan so that it pulled air out of the room. He insisted that it would make the room "cooler" as the hot air would be pulled out of my bedroom and into the back yard. I never really bought this and would usually switch the fan to blow air back into my room after my Dad went to bed.

It was so hot in the house that sometimes after taking a shower, I would immediately start to sweat. This would prompt me to jump right back in and take another one, only this time much colder. I would slowly turn down the hot water handle until I neared the unbearably cold point.. This would temporarily trick my body into thinking that it was only 95 degrees outside instead of 100.

During those really hot summer days, I would find a nice,cool place to hang out. One of my favorite places of refuge was the local public library. To escape the brutal outside heat, I would often spend hours in there. Sometimes, I would even read a book.

Another tactic was to go to the movies. As kids, we would only have a few bucks but it was usually just enough to buy a ticket for the matinee. My friends and I would catch one movie and then when it it was over, we'd walk into the adjacent theater to watch another. We would sometimes spend all afternoon watching movies and keeping cool. If the movie was really good, we would sit through it and watch it a second time. One time, I think I watched Jaws three consecutive times!

And as entered out teens, the shopping malls became a favorite place to cool off. The only problem was that without money, there was only so much to do at the mall. I would spend time browsing the record or book stores. Of course, way before the X-Box era, the malls used to also have arcades where you could play pinball machines and the first generation of video games.

When someone in the neighborhood finally got air conditioning, it was usually in the form of the heavy window unit. I instantly tried to make friends with anyone who happened to live in an air conditioned home. I would sometimes try to talk them into watching the Oriole's game at their house. Partly, because I was a huge O's fan, but mostly because I knew the game would buy me about three hours in my friend's AC.

And back in the day, air conditioning was a big luxury in automobiles. Because of the added cost, most working class people didn't have it. So, you had two options. You could either open the little air vents on the dash, which basically just allowed hot air from the highway to flow in. Or you could stick your head out of the window. Once the car got up to about 60 mph, this could actually be quite refreshing. (I can't help but wonder if my brother-in-law does this as he's delivering mail in his 120 degree air-conditioner-free USPS truck.)

Nowadays, it's hard to find a house or personal vehicle without air conditioning. Looking back on it now, I don't know how we ever lived without it. I'd like to thank Mr. Carrier, a person who definitely made a difference in this hot world!

kw

Colorful Baseball Memories

I was watching the end of a Cincinnati Red game earlier this year just as closer Aroldis Chapman stuck out the final batter. Well, the next thing I know, Chapman starts doing these silly looking somersaults towards homeplate. I can understand an imptomtu celebration of some sorts, but somersaults?

Chapman's latest antics immediately brough back memories of other ball players who I had seen doing peculiar things through the years. I would the say the wackiest player that I ever saw was Former Detroit Tiger's pitcher, Mark "The Bird" Fidrych. When Fidrych would go out to the pitcher's mound, he would get down on his hands and knees and "manicure" the dirt. Then, as he prepared for the opposing batter, he would talk to the baseball, sometimes aiming it like a dart. And when he wasn't talking to the ball, he would talk to himself. He would sometimes ask the umpire to remove a ball from the game because it "had hits in it". And after outs, Fidrych would strut around the mound. Surprisingly, Fidrych was a great pitcher. He went 19-9 with a 2.34 ERA in 1976 earning him the Rookie of the Year award and coming in second only to Jim Palmer in the Cy Young Award voting. Fidrych's career was cut shirt injuries and sadly, he died in a mechanical accident in 2009.

Perhaps somewhat less dramatic, but still strange nonetheless, was Hall of Fame second baseman Joe Morgan. Now, Morgan was gifted player who is considered one of the best second baseman ever. However, when he would bat, he would flap his back arm like a chicken wing I used to really get a kick out of watching him bat when I was a kid. At first appearance, you would have thought that Joe might have had a bit of Tourettes. But in reality, early in Joe's career he had a bad habit of dropping his back elbow. So, in an effort to remind him to keep the elbow up, teammate Nellie Fox advised Joe to flap his back arm. And he continued to flap it for the rest of his career. It turned out to be good advice as Morgan, a ten-time All-Star, went on to win two National League MVP awards and collected two World Series rings with the Cincinnati Reds.

Somewhat along the same lines is former San Francisco outfielder, Jeffrey Leonard. I can remember watching Leonard in the 1987 NL Championship Series against the St. Louis Cardinals. He had a phenomenal series including four home runs. After hitting a homerun, Leonard would take what seemed like forever to round the bases. It was described as the "Cadillac" home run trot. This really got under the skin of the Cardinals. So, to add fuel to the fire, Leonard later introduced his "one flap down" trot. He would circle the bases with one arm pinned to his side. This of course, was to symbolize that the Cardinals were going down in the series. In retaliation, St. Louis pitcher Bob Forsch drilled Leonard in the back in game three which prompted the St. Louis press to start referring to Leonard as "two flaps down".

There was also former Red Sox pitcher, Luis Tiant. He would go into his wind up and then do a 180 degree spin until he was facing center-field and then turn back around and fire the ball towards home plate. I don't know how he never fell off of the mound.Can you imagine if infamous Dodger coke-baller Steve Howe had ever tried this?

Then was slugger Lee May who played first base for the Orioles before Eddie Murray came to town. May would stand at the plate while rapidly shaking his bat over his head. From what I remember, he also shuffled his feet. I could never figure out how he could hit a 90 mph fastball with all of that extracurricular activity. But he must have known what he was doing as he finished his career with 354 homer runs.

Growing up as a huge Orioles fan, I saw many games at Baltimore's old Memorial Stadium. It was during a rain delay at one of those games that I got to experience catcher Rick Dempsey's illustrious "rain delay theater". Dempsey would come out of the dugout with his shirt stuffed to give the appearance of a huge beer belly. Then he walk up to homeplate in his socks (which was cover with the rain tarp) and pretend that he was batting. He would go through motions until he would finally get a hold of one and "knock it out of the park". Then, he would round the tarp covered bases in the pouring rain to the cheers of the fans who remained in the stands. His "home run trot" climaxed with a huge belly flop in the puddles of water near home plate. Baltimore fans adored Dempsey and still do!

kw

A Cover-Up On Campus?

The child sex abuse allegedly committed by Jerry Sandusky at Penn State is hard enough to absorb. But as the story continues to unfold, it's starting to appear that there was a major cover-up by University leaders in order to protect the school's reputation. This is very disturbing to me. It's as if the abused children were just collateral damage that could be overlooked for the overall good of the school. If these allegations turn out to be true, at the very least, I hope the NCAA throws the book at Penn State's football program. Perhaps even a lifetime ban might be appropriate. I'm sure there are plenty of PSU supporters who would disagree. I wonder if one their kids happened to be a Sandusky victim, would they still be so supportive? I somehow doubt it....

In the history of the NCAA, there have only been five "death penalty" cases handed down. This is a situation where the school is banned from competing in a sport for at least one year. In case you're interested, the five cases are:

• The University of Kentucky basketball program for the 1952–53 season
• The basketball program at the University of Southwestern Louisiana (now the University of Louisiana at LaFayette) for the 1973–74 and 1974–75 seasons.
• The Southern Methodist University football program for the 1987 and 1988 seasons.
• The Division II men's soccer program at Morehouse College for the 2004 and 2005 seasons.
• The Division III men's tennis program at MacMurray College for the 2005–06 and 2006–07 seasons.

All of these NCAA bans were handed down as a result of either gambling or recruitment violations. Far less serious than the child sex abuse on the PSU campus. So, can we expect to see a much harsher sentence handed down to Penn State? 

I know the details are still coming in, but it amazes me that any human being, especially a parent could take part in a cover-up like this. In at least one incident, it was reported that a Penn State assistant coach walked into the locker room while Sandusky was sodomizing a young boy. You never know how you'll react in a horrific situation like this. But I'm quite certain that Sandusky would have taken a serious ass whooping if any real man would have caught him in this heinous act. At the very least, couldn't the assistant coach have stopped the assault? How could he walk away while the child was still be molested? By doing nothing, he's almost as guilty as Sandusky, in my opinion!

In 1999, although it was apparently know that Sandusky was a child predator, he was still allowed to retire as "valued member of the Penn State football legacy"*.  There was also a reported lump sum payment of $168,000 given to Sandusky during that time. I have to wonder what that was all about. And if all of this wasn't bad enough, Penn State allowed a known child molester access to the the campus until just last year, when the story went public! Are you freggin' kidding me?

By covering up Sandusky's crimes, PSU essentially empowered him to commit more crimes. How many children could have been spared if PSU would have done the right thing and turned Sandusky in when they first learned of the child abuse? If nothing else, they should have taken measures to ensure that he never had any unsupervised contact with young boys! Again, I can not understand how people can turn their head on something like this.

There's also a debate on whether a statue of legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno should be torn down. It was recently reported that Paterno took part in the cover-up. To be fair, it's also known that Paterno did a lot of good things in his life. And I don't think that a person should necessarily be judged by his worst moments. However, seeing a statue of a guy that covered up for a child rapist doesn't sit right with me. The statue must come down...

This whole thing really infuriates me. When it comes to children, I have no tolerance for any kind of abuse. It takes a really sick bastard to even think about sexually assaulting a child. You could bundle all of the world's child molester's together and throw them off of a cliff and it would be perfectly fine with me. They are the lowest form of humanity and the world is a much better place without them.

If any or all of these cover-up allegations turn out to be true, a NCAA ban will likely be the least of Penn State's worries.......

kw

* http://www.cnn.com/2012/07/12/us/pennsylvania-penn-state-investigation/index.html

Magnetic Movies

In today's cable TV world, the channel list seems to go on forever. I probably have at least fifty movie channels alone (HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, etc.). Although they often replay the same movies day after day, there are certain ones that I always find myself instinctively watching over and over again. It's almost as if I'm magnetically drawn to them. Here are some the movies that, no matter how many times I've seen them, always seem to capture my attention again.....

• Fargo - No doubt, one of my favorite movies ever. I love the eccentric array of characters in Fargo, especially Carl Showalter (played by Steve Buscemi). The film is loaded with memorable scenes including the classic wood-chipper incident. And you gotta love that Minnesota dialect from Jerry Lundagard and Margie (the state trooper).

• Pulp Fiction - Although I found this one thoroughly entertaining the first time I watched it, it was a bit hard to follow. Some great quotes throughout the whole movie. "Bring out the Gimp" has a horrifying ring to it.

• Rock Star - Of course, I'll watch almost anything with Jennifer Aniston in it. But in reality, as an 80's metal rock fan, I thought this was a pretty decent flick. For Mark Walberg, this was a far cry from his Marky Mark & The Funky Bunch days. I'm always amused at all of the 80's rock band cliches in Rock Star. To me, it's kind of like watching polished version of Spinal Tap.  

• Goodfellas - What a great film! This one bumped off The Godfather II on my list of favorite mob movies. An awesome cast that's always worth watching again and again. Some of Joe Pesci's lines are  classic. Who can ever forget the "you think I'm funny" scene. Every time I watch it, it's like the first time. I'll never get tired of it!

• American Psycho - The first time I saw this movie, not surprisingly I found it to be a bit strange. But it has definitely grown on me. Loaded with dark humor, Christian Bale was made to play the role of serial killer Patrick Bateman. I always get a kick out of his pissed-off attitude and drawn out explanations of everything. Some of the original actors who were considered for the Patrick Bateman role: Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Edward Norton and Leonardo DiCaprio.

• Lost In Translation - Yeah, I know this one might seem surprising. True to the title, I don't even fully understand the movie. But there's just something about Scarlett Johannson that I find very intriguing. Her character contrasts perfectly with Bill Murray's role.

• My Cousin Vinny - In my opinion, one of the funniest movies ever. Joe Pesci is hysterical, especially during his interchanges with the Judge, played by Fred Gwynn (aka Herman Munster). Sadly, this was Gwynn's final film appearance. Marisa Tomei was sexy and funny enough to win herself an Oscar for her role as Mona Lisa Vito (what a name!). 

• Hostel - Of course, some of the suspense is naturally lost after you've seen a movie ten or twelve times. But I still find myself glued to any three of the Hostel films any time I cross them. Definitely one of the most provocative horror movies that I've ever seen.

• Jaws - I watched Jaws four or five times at the local movie house when I was a kid. It took me about two years to work up the courage to get back in the water. Since then, I've seen it countless other times on TV. A timeless summer classic

• Casino - If you're sensing a pattern here with Joe Pesci and Robert Deniro, it's no coincidence. I'm a huge fan of both of these guys. Another very entertaining movie. Casino, in some way, reminded me a lot of Goodfellas. Need I say more....

kw

Grocery Stores Make Me Grumpy

There are certain things that I can count on every time I decide to pick up a few things at the grocery store. For instance, it never fails that I'll pick the the shopping cart that has...

a) a wobbly wheel
b) a wheel that is stuck
c) discarded chicken bones or a half-eaten hot dog
d) bubble gum on the handle


Today, I was lucky enough to get the stuck wheel. I didn't really notice it as I pushed the cart across the bumpy asphalt parking lot. But the instant I hit the smooth floor inside the store, the wheel seemed to immediately lock up. Yeah, I could have went out and grabbed another cart, but the odds are it would have had another defect from the list above. So, reluctantly I pushed on with my stubborn cart, leaving a rubber skid mark from the broken wheel behind.

One of the other things that really annoys me at the grocery store are the "gawkers". These are the people who stand in front of a particular item forever. For instance, I was looking for some nice steaks the other day. I usually prefer a NY Strip. So, I head over to the beef section. Right on cue, there's a woman blocking my access. Giving her a few minutes to get her ass in gear, I lurk around in front of the organ section. It's not like people are lining up to buy beef hearts and chicken gizzards, right? So, after I give her what I consider adequate time to move, I walk back over. Sure enough, she's still there. But this time she's deep into a text-message interchange. This leaves me no choice but to pull the old "excuse me while I reach across" move. Walking towards her, my eyes make contact with a ribeye directly in front of her body. I pull up within a few inches of her and then excuse myself as I reach across in front of her. This almost always causes the person to instinctively move a few feet in the opposite direction, giving me access to my coveted food item. If you ever run into a similar situation, feel free to use my tactic.

And of course, no store would be complete without the whiny kid. Sometimes, they whine about the Three Musketeers bar that Mommy won't let them open in the store. Or other times they scream because the bag boy looks like Marilyn Manson. But whatever the case may be, I will inevitably cross paths with that kid.

Why are the doors in frozen food aisle sometimes all fogged up? You can't see anything inside! One time, my face was nearly frostbit after opening up fourteen doors in search of the Moose Tracks ice cream.

And no matter what anyone tells me, the self checkout line always takes considerably longer than a line with a live cashier. But since I have a control issue where I feel the need to do everything myself, I always feel a magnetic pull towards the self-scan line. I never make it through without at least one burst of profanity.

And why does the lady in front of me feel the need to organize her purse while I'm waiting to check out? I actually saw one woman methodically organize a wad of assorted dollar bills on the counter after her transaction was completed. I've seen bank tellers who didn't put this much effort in counting out the money. Keep in mind, there were about ten irritated customers waiting for her to finish. With all the time she was taking, I really thought she was preparing to do a magic trick for the crowd!

And when I swipe my Visa card, the machine always defaults to a debit payment. Normally, I hit the "red x" and then I'm prompted to carry on with the credit transaction. But on some occasions, the "red X" cancels everything and I'm greeted with "Please remove all items from the belt!" On at least one occasion, I was so pissed that I just walked out of the store and left everything on the belt. Mess with me, will they?

Why do contractor salesmen constantly harass shoppers as they enter the store? They approach me and ask me about my windows, doors, roof, etc. When I try to tell them I'm just hear to pick up a Mountain Dew and bag of pork rinds, they continue on with their sales pitch. It annoys the hell out of me!

And lastly, at a local chain of area grocery stores, when I approach the cashier, she'll always ask, "What school?" The first time I was presented with this question, I rattled off my high school, trade school and gave a long winded explanation of why I never finished college. But after some research, I found out that these stores actually contribute a portion of their proceeds to the area schools. The shopper is given the choice of which school receives the cut from his/her sale. But I still like to have a little fun every now and then by answering the "What school" question with Ordnance Road Correctional Center. It always creates a confused look from the poor cashier......

Yeah, it's probably a good thing that Tina does most of the shopping.

kw