I put off my colonoscopy for a couple of years. A few months ago, I finally accepted the fact that I was only postponing the inevitable. So, after a little pressure from my primary doctor, I scheduled my appointment with the colon man.
I already knew many people who already had the procedure done. So, I kind of knew what to expect. Almost everyone agreed that the preparation was the worst part of the whole ordeal. Spending "C-scope Eve" making countless runs to the bathroom certainly didn't sound fun. But then again, neither is the aftermath of a Taco Bell value meal. These are the trials and tribulations of an active digestive system.
On the days leading up to the procedure, you're told to lay off of nuts, seeds and other small things that can cling on to the inner walls of your colon. This would be especially tough for me because I very seldom take a lunch break at work, often relying on granola bars to carry me through the afternoon. Well, two days before C-Day, I instinctively ordered the seared tuna appetizer at a local restaurant. I didn't realize until I was half-way through it that it was encrusted with sesame seeds. Figuring I had already sinned, I went ahead and finished the rest of the dish. Hopefully, my doctor would be able to distinguish between a seared sesame seed and a polyp.
On the following morning, I had to start the clear liquid diet. Let me tell you folks, this really limits the menu. For the next day and a half, I would survive on pineapple Jell-O, lemon-lime Gatorade and chicken broth. I have to admit, by the end of the day, the chicken broth actually became quite tasty.
Around about 5 PM, I slowly opened the first bottle of Colon-Blow. I raised the small bottle to my lips and reluctantly tipped it back. I expected it to taste like liquid chalk, but it was actually kind of sweet. It gave me a weird "don't take candy from strangers" feeling. As the last of the bottle made it's way down my esophagus, I could feel the panic starting to kick in. Realizing that time would be of the essence, I took off my belt and unfastened the top button of my pants.
About 45 minutes later, my stomach began to make gurgling noises. It rapidly made it's way through my digestive tract like an raging bull. As the sweat beads started to form on my brow, I slowly rose from my living room recliner. The classic Clash song "Should I Stay or Should I Go" raced through my mind. Then, a large contraction in my lower abdomen encouraged me to do the latter. I sensed that things were about to get real!
My pants were already around my ankles as I stumbled past the large window in the foyer and nearly tripped into the bathroom. I had hoped that the neighbors didn't see my bare ass during the migration. But embarrassment was the least of my concerns at this point. I had more pressing issues to deal with.
I made it to the toilet and.......let me just say that the flood gates opened. I don't want to get too graphic but imagine for a minute that the Hoover Dam is at the north end of your colon. Then imagine that everything in your digestive tract is the Colorado River. Now, imagine that the Dam gives way. Anything in the path of the ravaging river would surely be swept away. Well, I think you get the picture...
This went on for the next few hours. By 9 PM, things had settled down. Surprisingly, I had a good night's sleep. As I woke up, things seemed so calm and peaceful. But we weren't quite finished yet. You see, I had to take another dose of the Colon Blow this morning (the day of the procedure). Instead of my usual morning coffee, I tipped back the second container of the "sweet surprise". The second round wasn't as nearly as bad, probably because round one pretty much cleared everything out.
Several hours later, I headed over to the medical center to have my colon scoped. The doctor and his staff were very comforting. The last thing I remember was having a conversation with the anesthesiologist about the beer selection at the Greene Turtle (this started when he commented on the Greene Turtle t-shirt that I happened to be wearing). Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. I was actually woken by a profanity-laced tirade from a woman in the next recovery stall. I can't remember everything she said but I do recall her threatening to "shit all over the place" if they didn't let her leave. At that point, I motioned to one of the nurses and said, "Check, please!"
The doctor came in and informed me that he removed three polyps. I instantly wondered if they were actually polyps or those sesame seeds that I mentioned earlier. But in either case, the good doctor assured me that they would be tested to make sure that they were not cancerous. Several days later, he called me and told me that everything checked out fine. But just to be safe, I will be going back for a follow-up screening in a few years.
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I often take a humorous approach to life. But I can't express how important it is for people (especially men) to have these types of preventive screenings. The survival rate is very high when colorectal cancer is caught early. So, if you're approaching 50, plan on scheduling your colonoscopy soon. And plan on sticking around for a while. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would really appreciate that...;-)
kw
