Afraid of The Easter Bunny

Political Correctness, a social disease that continues to destroy American traditions, has claimed yet another victim. Elementary schools around the country have begun to ban Easter egg hunts as well as prohibiting the muttering of the term "Easter" bunny.

This is an example of how ridiculous things are getting. After anything associated with Easter was deemed "offensive" at one particular Alabama school, teachers decided to improvise. Instead of having the familiar Easter Egg hunt, they came up with the idea of having an "academic egg hunt" in which quiz questions would be placed inside of the plastic eggs. Seems innocent enough, right? Not quite. The school administrators decided that eggs were too closely related to Easter. So, to in to reach a politically correct climax, they decided to use different shapes for the "eggs".

In another attempt to "compromise", these potential brain surgeons agreed to allow teachers to refer to the "Easter" bunny, however they were prohibited from using the word "Easter". Yeah, make perfect sense to me....

Schools in Illinois, California, South Carolina and Pennsylvania have also followed suit in turning Easter into the latest 4-letter word. Some schools have watered down the traditional events by renaming them Spring Egg Hunt and the Spring Bunny.

You can't make this stuff up, folks. This falls right in line the "winter holiday" which we used to bravely call Christmas. Although the left preaches tolerance and diversity, it seems like they're noticeably quiet when it comes to defending anything that has to do with Christianity. Many view this as a progressive attempt to devalue Christian beliefs.

Easter is obviously a Christian holiday which celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Although the Easter Bunny and Easter eggs are viewed as symbols of the holiday, they have very little, if nothing, to do with the actual crucifixion and rebirth of Christ. So, what's the big deal? It's not like we're forcing the kids to take Communion or sending them home with the Good News Bible. 

Although not directly related and for different reasons, there was a time when the US Congress banned the traditional Easter Egg Roll. Way back in the mid-19th century, children used to to gather on the Capital Building lawn every Easter Monday. There, armed with spoons and spatulas, they pushed hard boiled eggs around the lawn. The kids had a blast as the Capital's front lawn became the kid's playground for the day. However, Congress, who was struggling with budget problems during the mid-1870's, saw the Easter Egg Roll as a landscaping maintenance issue that was ultimately costing them money. So, in order to protect the precious lawn, Congress passed the Turf Protection Law in 1876. The kids would now have to find a new place for their traditional festivities.....

In 1878, at the urging of several children, President Rutherford Hayes moved the Easter Egg tradition to the south lawn of the White House where it still, surprisingly, continues today.

Political correctness continues to run rampant through our society. When Peter Cottontail winds up on the endangered species list, we've seriously lost our way. If you happen to see an Easter bunny over the weekend, throw some extra love his way. God knows he could use it.....

kw

Three Stooges Administration?

Although their primary job is provide security for American air travelers, the Transportation Security Administration sometimes has a funny way of showing it. In it's most recent Three Stooges moment, a TSA agent at New York's Kennedy Airport, while goofing off with a can of pepper spray, released it's hot sauce into the faces of five fellow agents. As a result, all six were sent to a nearby hospital.

Are these guys trying to protect us or win a spot on Joe Biden's Def Comedy Jam???

Looking through recent news articles, here are some other noteworthy accomplishments of the TSA:

• Last May, a New Jersey family was kicked off a flight in Fort Lauderdale after it was discovered that one of the family members was on the TSA's no-fly list. Good work, you say? Well, the "person of interest" in this case was the family's 18-month-old daughter. Both the TSA and the airline (Jet-Blue) pointed fingers at each other for the mishap. Will the real idiot please stand up!
• In another incident last June at New York's JFK airport, two planes were called back and hundreds of passengers were marched through a second security screening after in was discovered that a TSA agent forgot to plug in his metal detector. Oh, and the airport also had to be evacuated. 
• Even after a passenger in Detroit alerted a TSA agent of his urostomy bag, the over-aggressive agent still managed to rupture the bag, causing urine to spill all over the passenger.
• A fake bomb was recently ushered undetected past security screeners in Newark, NJ. That should make us all feel real safe, huh?
• Last year, at New York's La Guardia Airport, an 89-year-old wheelchair bound man was subjected to a full-monty TSA pat-down. The man happened to be former National Security Adviser and Secretary of State and Nobel Peace prize winner, Henry Kissenger. In the TSA's defense, it was reported that none of the agents seemed to know who Kissenger was. Why am I not surprised?
• A TSA agent in San Francisco was so concerned about the "bulge" in one passenger's groin area that he felt compelled to apply powder to area (possibly to test for explosives?). It turns out that the suspicious item was the man's penis. 
• Agents at LAX declared a security breach after they confused a woman's insulin pump for a gun.
• In an effort to show they're serious about keeping us safe, the TSA recently announced that small knives will soon be allowed on board the plane.

Aside from these recurring displays of humor and incompetency  TSA agents have also been busted on numerous occasions of stealing items from passengers. So, while we're getting groped by one agent, we have to worry his partner lifting our wallet or laptop. Since the airport screening areas are under normally heavy video surveillance, these boneheads are usually caught without too much effort. Perhaps the TSA might want to do a better job of screening their own employees.

Flying out of midwest airport several years ago, I saw the "interrogation" of woman who looked to be about 95 years old. The woman, who could barely stand on her own, looked absolutely terrified. Not only did it seem totally unnecessary, the whole image appeared to be surreal. 

To be fair, there are probably some decent TSA agents out there somewhere. But until these guys can tell the difference between a man's dick and a handgun, they're going to have a really hard time gaining the public's trust.

kw

More Rewards Coming For MD Illegals

While the MD Senate is taking a little time off from raising our taxes, they have decided to pass a bill that would allow illegal immigrants to obtain Maryland driver's licenses. You have to give them credit, when they have an agenda, they move quickly. What will these rocket scientists think of next??

Why are we continuously bending over backwards to appease the people who break our laws? It's like our "leaders" are encouraging illegal immigration to Maryland. Come on up folks, we'll fix you up with a driver's license, in-state tuition and perhaps even a Shiatsu massage with a happy f*cking ending!

I'm sorry, what was that? You're worried about the INS? Oh, don't be silly. This is Maryland! You don't have to worry about immigration laws here. Our laws are only suggestions! No worries about being deported either. The only things we send away are businesses and frustrated tax-payers!

Someone please hand me my guitar and throw another log on the fire because it's sing-along time. Grab your husband, wife or illegal other and join me:

This land is your land,
This land is my land,
From Ocean City to Montgomery County
From the Deep Creek mountains to Marley Station...
This illegal haven was made for you and me! 

That was awesome, guys! Be sure to grab your welcome packet on the way out......

Seriously, why do we even have laws if we have no intention of enforcing them? And states like Maryland go one step further by rewarding people who blatantly break our immigration laws. Is securing the Hispanic voting bloc really more important than securing our borders and enforcing the law? I think we all know the answer.

We've even reached the point where it's politically incorrect to refer to these law breakers as "illegal immigrants". We often hear the term "undocumented workers". And there's at least one phony asshole in Annapolis that likes to use "New Americans" to refer to people who break our immigration laws. This is like calling a drug dealer an unlicensed pharmacist.

And just to be perfectly clear, I have no issue with Hispanic folks. However, if they happen to be here illegally, I do have a problem. Of course, people will ask, "So, what are we supposed to do with the illegals who have assimilated into our society?" I dunno, is there a statute of limitations on illegal immigration?  Do they get squatter rights for being here X-amount of years?

Ok, I like sports. So, let's imagine that a delusional sports fan decided to break into M&T Bank Stadium and stay there indefinitely. He goes undetected for years, only surfacing to occasionally grab a hot dog and a beer. At some point, the guy is discovered sleeping under a row of seats in section 108. One of the maintenance workers calls for security. The jig is up. So, what do we do now? Sure, this guy was illegally trespassing (or "immigrating"). But is arresting him the right thing to do? Doesn't it make much more sense to give him a hug and send him on his way with a new MD driver's license and in-state tuition rates? See how silly this sounds?

There's plenty of blame to go around for all of this nonsense too. Democrats are obviously soft on immigration laws. And, by the way, I am so sick of their "let's do it for the children" bullshit. Let's call it for what is..... they're are attempting to "buy" the Hispanic vote.  When they say it's for the kids or it's the "right thing to do", they might as well be pissing on your leg and telling you it's raining!
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And the Republicans aren't much better when it comes to immigration laws. I have personally known of some conservative Republican business owners that talk the talk. But then they go out and hire a crew of illegals to do their cheap labor work. These hypocrites are a huge part of the problem. Republican politicians have also decided to "shift to middle" on immigration as they realize the Hispanic vote is now enough to win an election. So, they have started to compromise their principles to win future elections. Don't you just love politics? I could go on and on but I don't want to get off topic.....

What the guys in Annapolis are doing is ridiculous. Call me insensitive, but I find it insane that an illegal immigrant can waltz into the DMV, get a legitimate drivers license and then float away like Mary freggin' Poppins. Supporters of this latest bill argue that it will make our streets safer. Give me a break! Do they really believe that bullshit? I thought the speed and red-light cameras were supposed to make the streets safer!

Things continue to change. And it ain't for the better. I'm convinced that Maryland voters are gluttons for punishment.

kw

The Bathroom Soap Snatcher

Ok, so last night I go down the Baltimore Soundstage to catch one of my all-time favorite rock bands, Y&T.  I caught up with some old friends while knocking back a few really good, but ridiculously overpriced, Dogfish Head 60-Minute IPA's. Of course, beer has the tendency to fill up one's bladder. And that's where today's adventure begins....

I eventually make that inevitable first trip to the men's room. After taking care of business, I walk over to the sink to wash my hands. As I reach for the soap, I realize that it's not there. Instead, a bathroom attendant offers me a squirt of liquid soap from his personal bottle. WTF? I'm no rocket scientist, but I'm pretty sure I can master the art of getting my own soap. The problem is that there is no other option. Basically, this guy has kidnapped all available soap products. So, if I want to thoroughly wash my hands, I have to pay him a ransom (in the form of a tip). The sight of the tip bucket overflowing with $1 bills tells me that many others have given into the soap-nappers demands. I refuse to be a victim, damn it!

It wouldn't surprise me at all if this soap snatcher also removed the toilet paper from the bathroom stalls. Can you imagine someone rushing to the toilet and having an explosive bowel movement only to realize that there is no toilet paper? As the poor guy tries to decide which one of his socks to sacrifice, the bathroom attendant slides a roll of Charmin and a tip bucket under the stall door. It's just not right....

And I really can't understand why someone would want a job like this in the first place. Who, except for maybe George Michael, would want to spend the evening hanging out in a men's room?

And I love the guys who have the cologne collections. For $5 they'll mist you with a knock-off version of Polo. No thanks, I think I'll stay with my traditional Irish Spring scent.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think I'm a cheap ass. That's not the case here at all. It's just that I don't like someone guilting me into a tip just for handing me the soap. To me, it's just a slight notch over the panhandler begging for money at the busy intersection. I've even seen guys at other venues pull a paper towel out of the dispenser for me as I finish washing my hands. Again, he expects me to pay him for this. I'm a grown-ass man for crying out loud! Please give me the dignity of pulling my own paper towel!

I'm sorry, I think this stuff is bullshit. It's like expecting a tip for holding the door for someone.


kw

Can Baltimore's Birds Work It Out?

Traditionally, the defending Super Bowl champs get to host the opening game of the new season. But, as we've seen in the past,  things don't always go smoothly between Baltimore and the NFL....

This year's opening game was originally scheduled for the evening of Thursday, September 5. But as luck would have it, the Orioles also have a home game scheduled for the same night. One might ask, "What's the big deal? Don't they play in different stadiums?" Although the days of Baltimore's football/baseball teams sharing the same stadium are long gone, the parking lots are still shared between the teams. Thus, the problem.

So, would can be done about it? Of course, the Orioles could simply reschedule their game, perhaps even moving it to an early afternoon game on September 5. But as luck would have it, the Oriole's have a night game scheduled in Cleveland the night before. Taking a late flight back to Baltimore would give the team little time to rest for an early game on Thursday. And although it doesn't should like a big deal to you or me, it's viewed as a competitive disadvantage by the Orioles. If it were like most recent years where the O's are in the basement of the AL East by the All-Star break, it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, after last year's successful season, the Orioles expect to be in the thick of the pennant race come September.

The idea of canceling the Oriole's Thursday night game has also been brought up. They could then play a double-header on Friday. As an incentive to reschedule, Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti has even offered to compensate the Oriole's for any lost revenue. But the O's have yet to comment.

To complicate matters even more, the Orioles happen to be playing the White Sox on the day in question. Chicago also plays a night game the night before and will be taking a late flight into Baltimore. So, they would be impacted in any rescheduling as well.

I find it amazing that many people around Baltimore are criticizing the Orioles for not accommodating the Ravens. Are you kidding me? Let's be clear here, this is not the Oriole's problem. So, I think it's really unfair to expect them to automatically jump through hoops to alleviate this situation.

Although I think it's the NFL's sole responsibility to find an amiable solution in this case, here's an idea that might help eliminate this scenario in the future. Perhaps MLB could schedule a "flexible date" on the NFL's traditional opening night?

Next suggestion.....

How about we just move the Ravens game up to Wednesday night? After all, the NY Giants kicked off the 2012 season on Wednesday due to scheduling conflict with last year's Democratic National Convention. But the NFL has frowned on playing the game on Wednesday because of Rosh Hashanah. It's funny how the NFL gets politically correct all of sudden. They didn't seem to have any issues playing games on Christmas a few years ago.

Now, the NFL is looking at the possibility of scheduling a road game for the Ravens on opening night. It hardly seems fair to ask the Super Bowl champs play on another team's stage to open up the new season. Sure, it has a little to do with drama and flair. But it has more to do with respect. The Ravens were underestimated throughout the playoffs last season. We heard all of the reasons we they couldn't beat Indianapolis, Denver, New England and ultimately San Francisco. So, although I don't entirely blame the NFL, I think it's fitting that the "disrespect" would carry over into the new season.

A perfect scenario, in my opinion, would be a Orioles/Ravens twi-night doubleheader. I think it would be great for the fans and the city. The expanded media coverage would put both teams in the spotlight. However, to make this happen, it will definitely take some tweaking and compromise. Hopefully, all parties involved can come to a mutually acceptable agreement. But one thing's for sure....the road to Super Bowl XLVIII must begin in Baltimore!

kw

Fist-Bumping & Elbow-Touching

Has anyone noticed how the traditional handshake is rapidly transitioning into a silly fist-bump? What's up with that? The other day, I ran into a guy that I know. I extend my hand in the familiar way. But instead of meeting me halfway with an open hand, the guy just stands there with a balled-up fist. WTF? Are we greeting each other or preparing for a sparring session?

From what I'm told, the fist-bump is taking the place of the handshake because people are afraid of catching germs. Considering that we're teaching our kids to fear Pop-Tarts, I guess it's only logical that we make them terrified of a handshake too. It's like our society is turning into France!

After playing a set of doubles tennis recently, everyone prepared to shake hands after the match. Well, in what can only be described as a blatant display of raw courage, three of us exchanged customary handshakes. Yeah, we like to walk on the wild side. However, when I went to shake the fourth guy's hand, he said, "Sorry, I don't shake hands. Germs.." What kind of bullshit is that? Do I look like I have germs?

Another buddy, who hails from California, recently told me that there's an even odder "handshake" that's spreading across the Left Coast. Instead of the fist-bump, they touch elbows! We've just turned the handshake into the Hokey-Pokey! What's next, leg-humping??

Now, to be fair, I would agree that there are some people who I'd rather not shake hands with. For instance, one guy that I know has a habit of blowing his nose via the Kentucky handkerchief method. Basically, he'll push one nostril with his index finger while blowing a wad of snot from the other. Flicking his hand immediately afterwards, he leaves me little doubt that he caught a little mucus residue on his digits. If there was ever a good argument for the elbow bump, this would probably be it.

Assuming that most people prefer Kleenex over Kentucky handkerchiefs, I still prefer the old fashioned handshakes over fist-bumps and elbow-touches. I mean, how many door-knobs or handles do you touch on any given day? Any germs that you would pick up by handshaking would likely be on these items as well. How long before the government requires rubber gloves and Lysol to be placed at every entrance in America? Nothing would surprise me......

kw

Is The Beer Still Cold For Raven Fans?

As the Baltimore Ravens continue to give high-impact players their marching orders, blood is boiling over in the Raven's Nation. In the past week, the Super Bowl champs have parted ways with wide receiver Anquan Boldin, linebackers Paul Kruger and Dannell Ellerbe and safety Bernard Pollard. The bloodletting will like continue over the next couple of weeks.

This loss of these key players will only be compounded by the retirement of center Matt Birk and linebacker Ray Lewis. As much faith as we all have in GM Ozzie Newsome, any expectation of the Ravens making a serious run at a subsequent Super Bowl is rapidly diminishing. At this point, it's beginning to look like the 2013 will be a rebuilding year.

With all of the excitement that the Ravens generated during their 2012 playoff run, the fans were salivating at the thought of another Super Bowl run in 2013. But at this point, it's certainly not looking good.

Many of us thought it was a bad omen when the Ravens cut QB Trent Dilfer after he led the team to it's initial Super Bowl victory in 2001. But, at least we were given a little hope with the signing of Pro-bowl QB Elvis Grbac. Of course, Grbac became a laughing stock (somewhat undeserved, in my opinion) and the Ravens had to wait a dozen years for another Super Bowl opportunity. But this latest round of pink slips is a little different as the signing of any "star" free agents seems highly unlikely.

We're likely to see the spotlight shift over to Ed Reed in the near future. The future Hall-of-Famer will likely command a high salary and I would be shocked if the Raven's oblige. I've heard that he's expressed interest in playing for either New England or San Francisco. I expect Reed to get two tickets to the Bay City where he will be reunited with Boldin.

Probably the most surprising Ravens news to me was the releasing of both of their free-agent linebackers (Kruger and Ellerbe). They've already lost Ray Lewis. So, basically the Ravens are now going to have to totally reload at the linebacker position. I expect opposing teams to have big rushing numbers against the Ravens defense next year.

A lot of fans are blaming Joe Flacco for all of this, which is a little unfair. Look, Flacco was going to get big money and, in my opinion, he deserves it. No doubt, he will be more scrutinized than ever in the upcoming seasons, but that's ok. If he can somehow get this year's team to the playoffs, people will be comparing him to Joe Montana. But as for Joe's impact on this year's salary cap, he actually had very little effect on it. According the way his money is structured, he only accounted for $6.8 million in the team's $123 million cap. The Ravens are currently $7.3 million under their salary cap. This should be enough money to resign both tight-ends, Dennis Pitta and Ed Dickson. And that is, at least, a little good news for now.

With the defense being further decimated with passing day, the Raven's offense is going to have to step up big time. They will likely have to generate 25 points or more to stay in games this season. Can they do? That's the 120 million dollar question. I think we can count on Torrey Smith and Jacoby Jones (assuming he's still here) to make big plays. Perhaps WR David Reed, who has been primarily used as a punt returner, will be expected to make a bigger impact as that third receiver. And here's a wild card for you. The Oakland Raiders recently released wide-receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey. I don't expect the Ravens to pick him up, but I do think it would be cool to see two former Maryland Terrapins running down adjacent sidelines for the Ravens.

It's always tough to say goodbye to impact players like Boldin and (possibly) Reed. These guys have made their mark in Baltimore. Although Boldin had a shorter tenure, fans absolutely appreciated his hard-nosed play and unique ability to make something out of nothing. In a nut shell, the guy played like a Raven! And Ed Reed, what can you say about him? The guy has created his own legacy in Baltimore with his ball-hawking ability and jaw-dropping hits. It will be sad to see him go, but he will forever be a Raven in the hearts and minds of Baltimore fans.

In the end, I think we've all got to take a deep breath and trust Ozzie and the guys to work things out, The Ravens have one of the best front offices in the NFL. So although we are indeed feeling some pain and displeasure right now, I think we need to confide in them to do the right thing. Remember that the NFL is a business and it's in these guys' best interest to "manufacture" a quality product.

No matter what the upcoming season brings, I'm on board for the ride. Admittedly, at some point, I'll probably be screaming, "If Boldin was here, he would have made that catch!" But it's all par for the course. Football is, among other things, a game of emotions. So, put a little extra ice in the cooler this season just in case the beer isn't quite as cold as we'd like it to be......

kw