Seating Arrangements

Whenever I go to a show, ballgame or even a plane ride, I can't help but notice how uncomfortably small the seats have become. Even an average size man will develop severe back and neck pain by intermission or halftime. I guess, like everything else, it all boils down to money. More asses in the seats translates into more money. If people have to be uncomfortable in the name of profit, so be it.....

I was recently at a show at the old Hippodrome in Baltimore. Although the seats were a bit small, it seemed ok because the seat to my immediate left was (at least temporarily) empty. This allowed me to spread out a little more than usual. Well, before long my luck ran out and a husky guy start to make his way down the row towards the empty seat. When he sits down, my space immediately shrinks to half size. And if this wasn't bad enough, he goes right for the arm rest. Does anyone know the protocol for this? I mean, since I was there first, shouldn't I get first dibs on the arm rest? Or maybe the husky guy should at least ask before he infringes on my turf?

Anyway, as the show began, I could already feel my upper back starting to tighten up. Trying not to snuggle up to the husky guy, I was forced to lean into a twisted position towards Tina, who was on my right. I was in a dilemma. Should I just grin and bear it, and risk permanent curvature of my spine? Or should I tell the guy that he's out line and inform him that I'm taking back my space and armrest? Not wanting to cause a scene, I just let it go and looked forward to the double dose of Extra Strength Tylenol that awaited me after the show.

And what's up with the airplane seating? Every time I fly, I run into a predicament. Basically, you have three seating options: window, middle or aisle. I guess each is a matter of preference, but they all have their issues:

Window seat - This is a great option if you've ever rode a horse in the Preakness. But for an average size person, it's like being stuffed into a small box. The only good thing is that you have a nice view of the flight.

Aisle seat - Although this is my preference, it does come with it's own set of problems. Be prepared to have your elbows pummeled and toes crushed every time the flight attendants roll by with the beverage cart. And if your sitting next to someone with a weak bladder, you'll have to get up every fifteen minutes to let them go to the rest room.

Middle seat - Unless you're traveling with two friends, avoid the middle seat at all costs. Trying to get home from Denver a few years ago, I decided to go "standby" and try to get on an earlier flight. The airline employee informed me that I could catch the next flight but all she had left was a middle seat. I had no idea who would be sitting on either side of me. My goal was to share the row with two anorexic models. So, I rolled the dice and got on the flight. As I walked towards my seat, I felt my back, neck and stomach simultaneously tightening up. My neighbors for the next three hours had the combined weight of a circus elephant! I almost turned around and walked off the plane. Keep in mind, I'm no small guy myself. So, just the thought of squeezing between these two behemoths was a bit unsettling. I could sense that other passengers were watching me and taking some kind of sick pleasure from my dire circumstances.

As I finally sat down, my shoulder blades felt like they had been dislocated. By take off, the pain had hit my upper back with a vengeance. And, to add to my discomfort, my two new friends opted for the customary inflight meal. So, in addition to feeling like my vertebrae were being crushed, I had to absorb multiple elbows to my ribcage as these two shoveled the airline's mystery meat into their mouths. Honestly, I would have rather rode in one of the overhead bins. By the time we landed, I felt like I had went over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Please let my painful experience be a warning for you.....

Moving away from the airplanes, let's talk about bleacher seating. We've all been to sporting events for our kids at the local schools. Although they can be a bit uncomfortable, at least bleachers give you a little room to breath. But there can indeed be issues from time to time. For instance, several years ago, I went to one of my son's basketball games. I was one of the first ones in the gym, so I took a seat on one of the upper bleachers. Well, before long another guy comes in. And even though he had the whole gym, he comes over and sits right next to me. I had never met this guy, so obviously it seemed rather strange. There's got to be some kind of bleacher etiquette. I'd be willing to bet that sitting directly adjacent to a total stranger in an empty gym would certainly be a breach of that etiquette. If nothing else, it's just weird.

Anyway, I think we've covered enough about seating arrangements for one day. If my painful experiences benefit at least one person, I'll feel just a little bit better....

KW