One Evening at a Colorado Brewpub

Shortly after arriving in Colorado last Sunday night, I decided to hit a local brewpub for a couple of beers and a bite to eat. I cozy on up to the bar and begin to scan the beer menu. (By the way, any place that has a beer menu gets extra points from me right from the start.) Anyway, I order a seasonal IPA and then move on to the traditional food menu.

As I'm trying to decided between the ahi tuna and the crab bisque for my appetizer, a guy pulls into the bar space a few stools down. Instead of picking up the menu, he proceeds to start playing a card game on his iPad. The bartender comes over to take the guy's drink order. However, the guy is clearly preoccupied with a big decision of whether to go for the full house or a four-of-a-kind.

"Yeah, yeah, I just have a beer or something"', the guy says.

The bartender gives me a quick glance as if to say, "WTF?". Then, he turns back to the guy and says, "We definitely have beer here. And some other things as well. But can you be a little more specific?"

The guy, who by now had achieved the full house in his card game was a little more pleasant. He answered back, "Ok, I'll have a Coors Light."

Stop right there! Before we go any further......

In beer-ese, there is no bigger faux pas than ordering a watering-down, mass produced light beer in a beer pub. For the love of Sam Adams, you just don't do it. The bartender later confirmed this for me by saying, "Yeah, it really pisses me off when people do that."

The guy eventually settles for a fruity house brew and then goes back to playing his poker game. After several more virtual hands of Texas Hold 'Em, he calls the Colorado bartender over. He says, "I think I'll have the turkey burger."

Now, for the record, aside from tofu and hummus, ground turkey is about the most tasteless substance on the planet. Why anyone would order this crap in a restaurant is beyond me. (For a more detailed explanation, see my blog titled "Grounding The Turkey Burger")

Anyway, the bartender takes the guy's food order and sends it back to the kitchen. A short time later, the bartender returns and tells the guy that they're all out of turkey burgers. I assume it's because no one has ordered a turkey burger since 1973. Maybe the inventory has spoiled? Nonetheless, the guy at the bar really seems to get upset over it. Yes, over a freggin' turkey burger. The bartender, who seems just as amazed as I am, reluctantly apologizes to the guy and asks him if there's something else on the menu that interests him. The guy, who has turned into a fully-pledged curmudgeon at this point, takes a deep breath and condescendingly says, "I'm going to need a minute."

Mr. Grinch proceeds to scan the menu as he multitasks by playing another hand of poker. He eventually settles on a some type of salad. The bartender, recognizing that the guy's fruity beer is almost gone, asks him if he would like another. He replies that he would indeed like another beer. The bartender sets the new beer in front of the guy and turns toward another customer. However, in mid-turn, the curmudgeon slams the bartender by asking, "This beer is on the house, right?"

The bartender, not sure if he heard the guy correctly, replies, "I'm sorry, sir. Can you say that again?"

"This beer is on the house, right? It would seem like the right thing to do. Don't you think?", he arrogantly asks..

The confused bartender replies,"I'm sorry, sir. Is there something that you're unhappy about? I'm not quite following you."

The guy manages a half-smile and says, "You guys didn't have the turkey burger that I originally ordered. So, I think the very least you could do is comp me a beer for the inconvenience."

Can you believe this bullshit? This guy is trying to strong-arm the bartender for a free beer over a stupid turkey burger. In my opinion, the bar did the guy a favor by running out of turkey burgers. But obviously, this knucklehead isn't playing with a full deck and feels like he should somehow be compensated.

With one ear on the Steelers-Panthers game and the other on the this ridiculous interchange, I desperately tried to finish my ahi tuna appetizer. I almost felt like walking over slapping the guy upside the head for being such an asshole. But knowing that there's probably a video camera nearby, I let it go. I figured the local news stations would have a field day if I went to the dark side. I could already see the lead-in story on the evening news.....

"Earlier this evening a Baltimore man slapped a local curmudgeon in a Denver brewpub. Pictured here, next to Ravens running back Ray Rice, is Baltimore native, Ken Wilson. Details are still coming in but here's the video of the incident. We are still unclear what provoked the altercation. We will be updating this story as we learn more....."

Anyway, the grumpy guy at the bar wound up getting a free beer when it was all said and done. I just don't get it. I'm generally a nice guy who engages in intriguing conversation with the bartender (and anyone else within earshot). Plus, I usually tip pretty well. But do I ever get a free beer? Hell, no.

So, I settle up my bar tab as the curmudgeon plays another round of poker and casually sips on his free beer. The worst part about all this the guy isn't even a "real" beer drinker. He's one of those guys who prefers wine coolers and fruity concoctions with little plastic umbrellas.........


kw