We are gathered here today to celebrate what my humble friend,
Rip, used to refer to as “National Greatness Day”. Now, I'm not trying to say
that Rip is arrogant or anything, but he also used to refer to himself as "The
Ultimate Man". When we used to play softball together, on the back of
Rip's jersey, it simply said "The Man". Can you imagine carrying a
head that big for 50 years?
I can say these things because I have known Rip longer than
most people. I think we first met about 40 years ago. We grew up within a
couple of blocks of each other in Brooklyn. We played football together in
Garrett Park and baseball against each other at the old 6th Street ball fields.
And then we became best friends a few years later when we attended Cardinal
Gibbons High School together.
("Yeah, yeah, tell us
some stories, Ken!”)
Ok, since you insist…....
Like I mentioned, Rip and I went to high school together where he
was somewhat of a legend. For example, I think Rip still holds the all-time
record for total days spent in detention by a single student. It was a rare
occasion when Rip joined the rest us on the bus stop immediately after school.
The reason for all of the detentions could be summed up in two words....his
mouth. He would never miss an opportunity to make a wisecrack in the middle of
class and this would almost always translate into an extended school day.
Rip's high school fashion statements are also worth mentioning.
You see, we went to a private school where we were required to wear ties. Well,
Rip, was always trying to push the envelope with this. He would wear a bright
plaid shirt and then accent it with a striped tie. Just the sight of it was
enough to give you a migraine. But to take it even farther, he would make this
huge knot in the tie which caused the tie to only hang down a little past the
collar. He would come strutting down the hall in this ridiculous looking
combination, saying, "That's right. Uh-huh, I'm the man." The
teachers would see him passing by and they would just shake their heads.
("Was Rip very competitive
back in the day?")
Yes, yes he was....
Rip and I used to play different sports together. And yes, Rip was
always very competitive. Losing was
never an option for him. Now, that's not to say that he never lost. He did.....quite often. And that's when the fun would start. When
things didn't go his way, Rip would often take his frustration out on random
objects.
("Can you give us an
example?")
Yes, I sure can......
I can remember one night, we were playing softball. I believe that
it was at Latrobe Park in South Baltimore. Well, Rip comes up to bat and
ultimately winds up striking out. So, feeling the need to take out his
frustration on something,
he walks up to a nearby electrical panel and punches it. Well, the next thing
you know, all the lights go out. Everyone was wondering what
happened as they stood on the dark field. I guess Rip figured that if he
couldn't see the ball, no else was going to either.
("Ken, are there any
other sports stories?")
Yes, there are......thanks for asking.
There was another time when my son, Kenny Jr., was about 10 years
old and we were heading out to play a round of miniature golf. Rip happened
stop by as we were heading out the door. Going against better judgment, I
invited him to join us. As we played the first few holes, Rip was having an off
day (which was kind of normal). Anyway, Kenny and I were ridiculing him the
whole time which was really starting to get under his skin. Well, after missing
shot after shot, Rip eventually reached a boiling point. Extremely frustrated,
he swung at the next ball extra hard and finally hit it squarely. The ball left his
club at about 150 mph and, as luck would have it, hit a cinder block behind the
hole. As if he wasn't having a bad enough day already, the golf ball bounced
off of the cinder block and came back and cracked Rip in his bottom lip. But
even a high-speed golf ball is no match for Rip's mouth. He kept bitching and
complaining but was determined to keep playing. However, the sight of blood
squirting from his bottom lip was major distraction. Plus, it was really
starting to scare the nearby kids. He eventually wound up having to go to the
ER to get it stitched up. So, there you go, the first person ever to wind up in
the emergency room after a round of putt-putt golf.
We also used to play tennis together. Rip would often get
frustrated which always had the potential to lead to a John McEnroe-like tirade.
On one of these occasions, Rip hurled his tennis racket and it wound up in a
nearby tree. As we were standing around looking up at the racket, which was
about 30 feet up, people were walking by asking, "How did that get all the way up there?" I would just shake my head.
I understand that Rip has recently graduated from putt-putt golf
to grown-up golf. He must be like the Happy Gilmore of Compass Point. I can see
all other golfers ducking and running for cover every time Rip takes a swing. I’m
told that Rip has the unique ability to transform a golf ball into a scud
missile. He’s always bugging me to go golfing with him. But the mere thought of this
guy swinging a long metal club scares the hell out of me.
When I heard they were going let Rip carry a gun, I hid under my
bed for three days…..
(Hey Ken, is Rip a cop or
something?)
Well, that's a tricky question. You see, Rip doesn't like for
people to know that he’s a cop. He prefers to keep
things "undercover". But it always seems to trickle out somehow. For
instance, if a waitress isn't fast enough with Rip's beer, he'll tell her,
"Hey, I'm getting thirsty over here. Don't make me get out my nightstick
and give you a wood shampoo!"
Gee, I wonder what he does for a living.....
Of course, I'm just having some fun at my friend's expense. The
truth of the matter is that Rip is actually a really good guy. But yes, he's very opinionated and
can be somewhat abrasive at times. And to people who don't really know him,
this can be a bit confusing. So, through the years, I have often found myself defending
him. And trust me, it’s not always easy.
("Ken, can you give us
an example?")
Of course, I can...
Just the other day, I was having a conversation with a local
priest. At some point, Rip's name got brought up. The priest says to me, "But
Ken, I hear that this Rip guy is an asshole." So, feeling the need to
defend my friend once again,
I explain, "Yes, father. But he's a good asshole."
No one, not even a priest, is going talk crap about my buddy.
("Hey Ken, I hear Rip
is quite the karaoke singer!")
That’s putting it mildly.
(“Can you tell us about
it?”)
Absolutely….
Several years ago, Rip and I were having a few beers at local bar
where it happened to be karaoke night. Well, I thought it would be funny to
fill out a slip and put Rip's name on it. I had to make sure it was special
song that Rip could really relate to. So, I picked "I Am Woman" by
Helen Reddy. When the DJ picked up the
song slip, a puzzled look instantly appeared on his face. And then, he
announced, “OK, this one is going to be good. Please welcome Rip up to the
stage." Of course, by this time we were three sheets to the wind, so Rip
just shrugs and walks up to meet the DJ who then hands him a microphone. Rip,
at this point, still has no idea what song I've picked out for him. When they
song titled finally pops up on the karaoke monitor, Rip started to laugh
hysterically. I really thought that this was as far as the joke would go. But,
Rip being Rip, decided to
take it to the next level. As the song began, Rip proudly belted out the lyrics
like only he could. About three octaves out of key, he sounded like a wounded wildebeest
during mating season. Everyone in the bar eventually stopped what they were
doing and gave Rip their full attention. It was perhaps the most compelling
performance since The Beatles appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show. My ears were
practically bleeding but I couldn’t turn away. It was one of the funniest
things that I’ve ever seen. For those three minutes on that karaoke stage, Rip was woman and damned proud of it!
..........................................................................................................................
I tell these stories because, number one, they're funny. And number two, as competitive as Rip can be,
he also has a great sense of humor and I knew he wouldn't object to me throwing
him under the bus for your entertainment. However, there are many stories that
I won't tell you tonight. These are the stories where Rip stepped up, time
after time, to do the right thing. As crazy as it might sound, these are the
stories that would actually embarrass him. Rip is the type of guy who will do
something really nice and then keep quiet about it. If word ever got out that
Rip was a nice guy, he would be absolutely devastated.
So, since it's his birthday, I won’t embarrass him by exposing all of his good
deeds. I will simply say that Rip is a class act.
Rip and I often find ourselves sharing laughs and reliving the old
days through our countless memories together.
The bond that we have is something that I will always value. I'll wrap this
up by saying that I feel privileged to call Rip a friend. I look forward to
many more adventures with him in the upcoming years. However, don’t expect to
see me on the golf course with him anytime soon!
I would like everyone to now raise their glasses and toast our
friend, Rip....one of the most interesting people that I've ever met.
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