Grounding The Turkey Burger

I was just reading an article about a huge recall on ground turkey. Thirty-six million pounds of it, to be exact. It immediately struck a chord with me because I am totally repulsed by ground turkey. If it were up to me, I would recall the whole world's supply and send it to Purina One. I'm serious, I would rather eat pet food than ground up turkey meat.

I think my hatred for ground turkey began several years ago when Tina tried to pass off a grilled turkey burger as a real burger. Why would someone try to do something like this to another human being? Upon the first bite, I knew something wasn't right. With a Clint Eastwood-like facial expression, I said, " I think something's wrong with this meat. It doesn't taste right."

Tina, knowing that she was busted, came clean. She said, "There's nothing wrong with that burger. It's made of ground turkey." Then, she tried to compensate by telling how healthier it was compared to ground beef. I seriously doubted her healthy argument. I mean, just to make it palatable, I have to add a half jar of mayonnaise, four slices of provolone and then chase it down with three bottle of Sam Adams. How healthy can that possibly be? I don't have to add all of these enhancements to an old fashioned cheeseburger! Yes, sometimes I still do, but it's out of preference and not necessity.


Visions of the old lady in the Wendy's commercial are floating through my head..."Where's the beef!"

On a related side note, when Tina talked me into buying a new house several months ago, I made a few demands. One of them was that there would be absolutely no ground turkey permitted in our home. Reluctantly, she agreed. I knew that a new house was the only leverage that I might ever get to win the battle of the flavorless meat.

You see, I think of a turkey burger as a mugger with a ski mask. It hides it's true identity while stealing the great expectation of a delectable, juicy 100% beef burger. The "mugging" takes place after the first bite. Take off the mask and show your true identity, you tasteless bastard!


Before all of the turkey advocates beat me up, let me be clear. I love turkey in general. When I order a a sub, it's usually a toss-up between an Italian cold-cut or turkey breast. And on Thanksgiving, since steamed crabs aren't really an option, I can't think of anything else that I'd want for a main course other than a big ol' roasted turkey. But trying to pass ground turkey off as ground beef is sacrilegious!

I say let's recall all of the ground turkey and let's stop this madness once and for all!

kw